A year ago, December 31st.

My grandma passed away last year on New Year's Eve. It was that morning, my aunts were here through the night. I almost slept through the knocking on my door, but knew that it was an important knock, one that I shouldn't ignore. I got up, the house was probably chilly - my room is always freezing in the winter. There we all were, in the living room, standing around her bed, watching her sleep. We see her last breath together; my aunts, our close family friend, my parents and me. I don't remember a lot that happened in the immediate moments after my grandma peacefully entered to her eternal reward, but I do remember seeing my father weeping by her bookshelves. My mom stroking her head. My aunt holding her hand. We were all in a state of numbness, I think. In a way, while one weight - grandma's pain and suffering - was lifted, and another one, her absence, took its place.

I remember sitting on the couch with my aunt, trying to be whatever comfort I could - it was harder for my mom and her sisters than it was for me. I cried, mostly from awe that my grandma was no longer in pain, that she was finally with her Lord whom she loved and praised until she couldn't speak anymore.
This is challenging to write, but it's on my mind.
I think about the person hat I was a year ago. I was depressed, angry, resentful, straight-up unhappy. It was a very hard season, Christmastime 2012. Lots of stress. Lots of pain. Lots of emotions. Not a lot of joy. Not a lot of peace.

I'm thankful that it's not like that this year. There have been challenges this season, but nothing to compare. I'm not the same person that I was, and I'm so thankful. No one wants to know angry and depressed Hannah. She's a lousy human being.

The healing still isn't done. I don't know about everyone else but I can't stand to be in hospitals or nursing homes. Dealing with diseases like dementia and Alzheimer's fill me with almost paralyzingly fear and discomfort. Certain things that remind me of her make me really emotional...she loved reading a book about the book of Revelation in the Bible. My aunt has it now, and I saw it on her shelves a few months ago. I pulled it out and there were still neatly folded tissues where my grandma had stopped reading and meant to pick up again. I think there was even one of her blue ballpoint pens.. I had to put it away or else I would have started crying.

I'm not sure how it's going to be once New Year's Eve comes. I'm hoping not too bad, but I don't know. It has been a long, full year but this.. As it draws closer it feels like it just happened. I hope we all experience the healing we need. Despite the joy of knowing that Grandma is at peace, there is still sadness. You can sense it

Twists, turns, and changes.

The end of 2013 is showing to be really....weird. It's been a good year, you know that. But the end of this year is feeling very flustered. It feels like I had a hand of cards, and I just decided to throw the cards in the air, just watching them float down wherever they would feel to land. I somehow feel emotionally uprooted from things that I used to care about, I feel like I'm being too open about certain things, I feel like I'm a liar. Things just seem amok, you know?

I feel like I'm ready for certain things, and yet I feel like I'll never be ready. I feel like I'm okay with myself, and then I feel like I'm no where near good enough for anyone that I want to accept me. I miss my friends, I wish it was easier to see them all on a regular basis.

I like my job, but I want to be better. I like my co-workers, but I want to be kinder. Not that I'm not a nice person, but I feel like I should be a kinder human being. I have the tendency to be kind of brash and sarcastic, and jokes have their place, but geez. Sometimes I feel a little out of control.

I love the Lord, and I want to honor Him, but I'm doing nothing to act on that. I don't always honor Him with my words or actions. I don't serve Him the way that I should. I go to church, but anyone can do that. It's important, and I think it's beneficial for me as a person, but it doesn't make my walk with God grow. I don't read the Bible, really ever. A few weeks ago, around Thanksgiving time, a friend was home for the holiday, and we were catching up after church, and he asked me: "What are you reading in your quiet time?" I had nothing to say. I don't get asked that, ever. Not by my peers. I told him that I don't really have quiet time these days. He was kind enough to shrug it off as "understanding that it's hard to find time," which is true to a point, but I mean..I would make time to go to the gym when I had a car? But I can't make time to read the Bible or some inspirational book when I'm home? Like now, instead of blogging?

And then last night, a woman from my church, the mother of said friend, asked if I came in to the facility. I felt ashamed as I said, "Not as often as I should." I love being there. There's no reason for me to not try and make an effort to go.

I don't know. I'm having some kind of identity crisis that I don't really understand, but at the same time I understand very well. I think a part of it comes from not wanting people to be surprised or proud of me when I do spiritual things like pray or read my Bible. It's stuff that I should be doing, you don't have to tell me you're proud of me, like I'm a child.

I guess we never really figure it all out at one time in our life. Lessons come and go. In the meantime, I'm writing a bunch of unsolicited emails that are way too transparent, I feel, at least. I'm afraid I'm going to freak this person out and never see them again. Oh well. Risks must be taken, amiright? Especially when you believe in them.

URRGERBADER.

WHAT IS UP WITH MEN?  I need a husband so that men will go away. I'm so bored with friendships with men. Like, I don't mind being a friendly aquaintence or anything, but seriously? I want to get to know one man really well, and then hang out and talk to him until one of us dies. Not just any man willy-nilly that isn't going to marry me. It's stupid, it's a waste of time. bleh. I'll be in book clubs with men, I'll have casual, nondescript chit chat with men on the weekends at work, I'll have fun working with men, but I DON'T WANT TO SEE INTO OTHER MEN'S SOULS. I JUST WANT TO SEE INTO ONE, AND HAVE HIM SEE INTO MINE AND THAT'S IT.

BAH.

There is hope, calm your soul.

February. February was a peak for me. I had just come out of the hardest year of my life thus far, the hardest fall and holiday season. My grandmother passed away. The one person who I felt that I could turn to and be completely honest with, and hold on to even though he was miles away confronted me and broke my heart. February was the month that it was determined I was going to go to Arizona and spend two weeks with my other grandmother who is suffering from Alzheimer's. I was tormented from the time I said I would go, through about my first week there with panic attacks and suffocating fear.

February was a peak. I couldn't handle any more. I was holding on to the literally last strand of my rope. I had nothing but my faith in God, and even that was on its way to being choked out. 

Things have since lifted. I got a job, I got over my broken heart (about 6 months later), I'm making decisions to enrich my life. I have friends that I spend time with, I think my church hunt has come to an end, and life isn't without its challenges, but it's small potatoes compared to feel like the life is being sucked out of you, kicked out of you, pressed out of you. What Paul talks about in Second Corinthians about being hard pressed on every side, crushed, perplexed..but not destroyed - that was me. Thankfully, my life is not like that. My problems are a walk in the park at this point.

I'm very blessed. My blog title comes from a song by a band called Paper Route, I heard them at my first Anberlin concert (which I saw in February,) it's called "Calm My Soul" and when I was listening to it today, I realized that that song is the culmination of last year to this past February. And the prayer to God of calming my soul has I think, been mine for a while, though I may not realize it. But I do know that my life is settled in a state of peace now. I'm not at unrest. I fail, I definitely do. There's a situation at work that I know I've dealt with wrong and I'm hoping that the Lord will give me a chance to rectify it, because I truly don't know how.

I met with "my book club" tonight. I never thought I'd be in a book club. It's with some people from work, and we met for the first time today to talk about Frankenstein, which I hurredly finished before the meeting. The next book is "Brave New World,' which I plan to focus on a little better. I like it because I want to read more to better my intelligence, and discussing is interesting because it makes me feel kind of vulnerable in a weird way. I don't like to feel intellectually vulnerable, or intellectually inferior, which I kind of felt tonight but only because I'm silly and insecure. Anyway. It was still a good time, I'm looking forward to doing it more regularly. 

Uhg, I hate not being to hash out certain thoughts because I don't know who might read my blog and take it the wrong way. :P

I'll try anyway. Do you ever feel intimidated by someone that you admire and respect, and even are friends with on a basic level, and you want to bond with them a little more personally but you feel like they kind of think that you're lame because you're not as cool as them? I know, 100% juvenile but I cant help it. I feel that way. And I think that ultimately it's on me because I clam up and don't try to make conversation, when I could try to make better efforts. It's not like this person has told me that they hate me or think that I smell. We've actually had some legitimate times where when I thought about it, I was like, "We're definitely friends to some point, what am I being so weird about?" Maybe I just feel like I have to have a moment where a person and I have a legit heart to heart to feel like we're "friends for real." It's dumb, but oh well.

But I'm determined to try and do what I can to make it clear that I'm not trying to be stand-offish or snobby. Because when I analyze how I act around this person I see that I could be misinterpreted to be that way. But i don't want that. I'm not that person. I don't know why I'm so shy sometimes. Well, that's a lie. I do.

Also, in other news, BIG NEWS. Declaring that by faith and I'll keep you in the loop when my faith is made sight. Hashtag: If you hear me talk about it, I'll sound like a crazy person. Which maybe I am.

I thought I had something to say.

And then I over-thought myself out of it.

Here are just my thoughts. They might not make sense, because I am long-winded, and I tend to ramble. Feel free to leave and look at picture of cats in the internet. We'll see where this goes.

I love people. I think that people are fascinating, and I think that people have potential for greatness. I want everyone to be the greatest that they can be, I want people to have their dreams come true, I want everyone to understand exactly what's happening in their life. If I could take everyone's problems away, and replace it with happiness, I would. I mean, life is challenging. It's hard. We end up in places that we didn't expect, and that we wish we could escape. I want to help people escape. I want to have all the answers to all their questions.

But I guess that's where Christ comes in. I can't do any of the things that I want to, to help people. I mean, I can, to a point. They're imperfect efforts, but they're efforts, nonetheless. And the only reason, I think, that my efforts can ever make some kind of difference is because of Christ in me. He's the only reason I'm any kind of a good person, you know? If I didn't know that God has perfect love for me, all day, every day - when I screw up, when I gossip at work, when I curse under my breath, when I do things that do not reflect Him at all - I wouldn't be a nice person. I wouldn't be good. There would be no reason to be. But because I know that someone is always there, in my pleasures and in my pain, when I'm at my best or at my worst...I think that that subconsciously makes me try to be a good person.

I mean...how can you not want to be that person when you know that there's someone there rooting for you even when you fail? Who sees the end of your story, and because I'm in Christ, the end of my story is being perfect like Him.

When we give God the chance to become real to us, He takes it and makes Himself undeniable to us. I think that my moment when God became undeniable to me was back when I was in Bible college.

I liked a guy, in Bible college. I look back and believe that I loved him. There's really no other way to define what I felt for him. Anyway, in my final semester of college, I was so overwhelmed by my emotions on afternoon, that all I could do was walk around. Try to run away. Unfortunately, there's no easy way to get off campus, so all I could do was furiously wnader around the fields and try to find a place that I couold just scream and no one would hear. It was impossible. The fields were huge, and I was insecure that somehow my scream would be so loud that they would echo and everyone would hear me. This is probably not true, but who knows.

I had to run away. I couldn't take it. I was crying, and my head was pounding, and I was a mess. I stormed into my dorm, through the lounge to my room (which was thankfully on the same floor as the lounge - not far.) There were a couple girls sitting in there, who of course could see that something was wrong and one of them knocked on my door, which was sweet of her, to ask if I was okay. Obviously not. I don't think I yelled at her, but I was trying to not burst into maniacal sobs. I was the biggest wreck that I had been in the entire journey with these emotions.

She left me alone, and all I could do was lay on the floor. I couldn't support myself. I couldn't sit up, I couldn't curl up into a ball, I could just lay on the ground. Crying, gasping for breath, head pounding. I gave up. I couldn't do anything. I was helpless. And then, in the moment where I was at my absolute weakest, I felt, I swear it was tangible, arms wrap around me. A head rest on mine, a sense entering my heart telling me that it was okay to cry. People say that God feels our pains and our joys, even if they seem insignificant. I knew, in that moment, that God knew my pain. He was with me, holding me, and I knew He knew my pain. Not because God had been in the same situation exactly, but honestly, God's love for us exceeds our capacity to understand, and yet we treat it like it means nothing to us. How much must that hurt Him?

It makes me tear up, thinking about that moment on my floor, when God made Himself real to me. When I knew that He was with me in all of my highs and my lows, and that He was familiar in ways that I can't understand all of my pain and my joy.

I haven't had a moment like that since, but because of it, I have a really hard time truly doubting God, and His promises. Even last year, when I was in such a dark place, spiritually and emotionally, in the deepest part of my heart I had less than a grain of mustard seed sized faith that God had victory at the end of that journey. And He did. I was able to keep reminding myself of His faithfulness because, I believe of what I experienced on the floor of my dorm room.

After I finished crying, I remember that I felt physically strengthened. I was able to stand up, and sit outside of my dorm, and for that time, face what was hurting me the most. Not interact with it, just face it.

God is so good, guys. I wish I able to be more verbal about all that He is, but I'm not. Not now, anyway. Maybe someday God will have me be that person. But for now I'm just me. A lady with a lot of love because God has all of His love for me.

"When I look at the stars, I feel like myself."

Life is what it is, am I right? At this point, I sort of barely know what's going on. I don't feel aimless, or hopeless. I don't feel worried. Everything just feels...right. It's like standing out in the middle of a field in the fall. It's perfectly silent. Distant rustles of grass and leaves, but nothing disturbs you. You can just stand there, and enjoy the peace. That's how I feel right now. I've done that, too. Perhaps even more peaceful is standing in the middle of said field, at night, staring at the stars. The latter of the two scenarios is probably my favorite. I love looking at the stars. Everything seems possible when you look at the stars.

The past couple weeks have been fascinating. Experiences that I never imagined having, that have had their drawbacks, because consequences is too harsh of a word. My best friend Allix got married last weekend. I went down to Maryland for a few days, and stayed with her and her fiance, and their sweetie-faced puppy. I swear I'm becoming more of a dog person as the weeks go by. From a distance, though. Between allergies, and how high-maintenance they are, I'm more inclined to appreciate, but not commit.

The wedding went so well. We prayed that God would hold back the rain (constant drizzles or downpours the entire week!) Prayers answered. It rained before the ceremony during final setting up, but by the time 4 pm rolled around, the skies dried up, some blue sky and sunshine even peaked through during the receiving line! It didn't start raining until the end of the dancing, which was really quite perfect. Dancing and jumping around in the rain in a fancy dress is great experience. Speaking of dancing, this is the second wedding I've danced at. Despite how terrible I am. I usually join in for just big group dances...classic wedding stuff, but still. The Cupid Shuffle counts. Plus, it's fun.

I'm getting a car, soon! Hopefully by the end of this month, or the beginning of next. I'm so thankful, and excited. I need a car like whoa. I'm not sure what to name it. I'll have to think it out.

Went to church this morning, and for the first time in many weeks, I actually felt normal. I didn't feel like I was putting on any kind of face, or that the people around me didn't think about my existence. I felt like I could belong. Which is really nice. It got a little weird when some Zion alumni (one of them is a co-worker) talked about how I should go to Zion to finish my degree or..something. I had no other option (aside from lying) but to tell them that I thought about it, and even tried out Zion Experience, but that the school freaks me out. I couldn't make it through the first night. I felt so uncomfortable on campus. Strange but true.

Currently not caring about being single. That'll change by the next post, though. Don't worry, guys.

Oh! So remember how I want to have my own coffee shop one day? Well, for whatever reason, I was thinking about it, and about how I didn't want it to be that thing that I talk about but never start pursuing. There's a space available in my town, in a great spot, and ultimately, it's pretty affordable. If I wanted to be crazy, I could rent it with my income, and still pay my basic bills. Just live off of my tips.

I wrote whomever about seeing the space. I said that I was curious about it, and made it clear that I'm not familiar with any of this, but figured I would ask. We'll see what happens. I just felt like I had to take some kind of initiative. I know that the smart thing to do is take business classes, ideally go to the American Barista & Coffee School, but at least it's a step in the right direction. I dunno. This is just how I do things. I make spontaneous decisions sometimes, and if it freaks me out, I wiggle my way out.

I'm actually pretty excited.

I understand.

I'm unconventional. I believe and hope for unrealistic things, and what's worse is that I sincerely believe them to come to fruition. Mostly concerning love and romance. I know it's impractical and impossible. But then this voice inside me reminds me gently that I can trust Him. Despite the confusion and good intentions of others, this is going to be worth it. It has to be. The impossible is possible because that's what God does. Impossible things. Even with practical things. I was raised to believe that God can do anything, and now that I know Him, I trust in that promise. That God can and will do anything, according to His perfect will.

This is repetitive for me. I find that the only way to continue believing for the promises of God is be repeat truth got ourself over and over and over. And then a few more times for good measure.

This is worth it. It's impossibly possible because God said so. God is not a liar. I know this. I know what I believe He has had me hold in my heart for all these years.

Oh, but it can be hard. So hard. Please be patient. Aside from the Thing, this is the longest lesson that I've ever had to learn. I do t even understand it at all at this point. God's ways are not my own. Fortunately, because He knows best. Unfortunately, for my own selfish gain.

I became so overwhelmed with feelings that I had to blog.

And I'm listening to Relient K's "Collapsible Lung" because though all the lyrics don't match my life, the essence of the album matches my momentary and oppressed angst.

Yesterday in church, in the midst of all the neat looking people who I'm not dumb enough to think have it all together but are generally prettier than me, men and women, both. I was looking at them. I was singing songs. I was looking around. Two things happened. One, I was confronted again with how uncomfortable I feel in church these days, and how every time I go to church I feel like I don't belong and my sense of feeling incomplete is glaring at me in the form of pretty couples loving Jesus together.

So, there's one thing. kind of two. Feeling like a misfit in church, and always feeling incomplete when I sit in the church pew with anyone. My parents, my co-worker and her husband...I just don't fit in. I don't belong. I feel like I'm so out of place in church. I don't understand it and it makes me sad.

And then I thought about something else. My church is full of (aside from everyone else), a lot of young single people, or young couples. The single people are all high schoolers. Irrelevant. But here's what was going through my head.

What is it about me that makes me not at all desirable to Christian men? Don't give me any kind of consolation, this is a fact. And it is going to make me freak out. I'm not unspiritual. I'm not backslidden. I have a sincere, honest, real walk with the Lord. No, I'm not your typical Bible college graduate. No, I don't raise my hands when the pastor tells me to. No, I don't pray in tongues on demand. No, I don't shout to the heavens when I praising God in church. But it doesn't make me less of a godly woman.

I was sitting in church and all I could become was angry  Christian men. Angry at them for not being worth my time, angry that they pass me by because I'm not a size 6. Angry at them for being shallow. If you're going to try and tell me that there are other Christian men out there that are NOT like this, AND still single, then you had better be a single Christian man with depth who doesn't judge women by their size. Not an old married lady, not my best friend, not my co worker, not my parents, not my family, you had better be the man who is going to freaking marry me. Because this is getting old. I don't even understand my outrage. It has nothing to do with impatience of time, because I'm CLEARLY still willing to wait or else I'd be in a relationship by now, and I CLEARLY still think someone must be out there that's worth waiting for or, again, I'd be in a relationship by now.

I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of men not being manly enough. I'm tired of not being able to escape this inner longing for someone to complete me. I mean, THIS is where I'm at. I literally feeling like a part of me is missing. I know that it's not Jesus that I need to fill the void. I've known that feeling. I don't feel empty and meaningless. I feel incomplete and out of place. When you feel empty, the answer is Jesus. But I don't feel empty. I know where I am in Christ. I may not go to church every week, but I know my place in Christ. A part of me is missing.

I'm incomplete. And it's the worst. I don't want to feel like a misfit in the world. I don't want to feel like I don't belong. I want to complete someone. If it's the Lord's will for me to get married, and he's out there, feeling the same way...it's awful.

But maybe that's what scares me. That I'm here, alone, feeling incomplete and wishing that someone needed me, but the person I'm supposed to be with is still all fine being single and dudely. Doesn't need anyone. Thst scares me, I think. The thought that the person I'm supposed to be with is out there, perfectly content to have not met me yet.

I can't be left alone with my thoughts.

On a different note, life is going well. Work is going well. I'm making friends, and it's really nice. When confronted with a former person, I am confronted iwth my heart and I freak out. I can basically never interwct with them again. I'm going to a wedding soon. I'm in it. I still have to buy the coffee. That's all.

C'est la vie. That's all there is to say.

There are things about my life that I don't understand. I'm sure that's true for many but every once in a while, things happen. Things don't just happen though, they happen quickly, and I find myself in a miniature whirlwind of sorts, one that, once it slows down, I look back and I think: "Did I go too fast, too soon? Did I say too much at once? Did I react prematurely? For undisclosed reasons, I can't be specific, but the moral of the story is that this weekend has been absolutely fascinating. I've gone with the flow, but when I look back, I wonder if in that flow I just...unintentionally overstepped my boundaries.

Life is life. You can't take back anything, you just have to go with it. I accept this, but it doesn't stop me from cringing until I see the final reaction or response to whatever I have said or done.

Today, I was a jerk. Things were recently implied, and I think I may have overstepped myself by going ahead and putting said implications to the test.

My dad said that I should find a way to explain myself. So I'll just blog.

The reason I do what I do now, especially concerning relationships, is because I have already been through the experience of thinking that someone is worth my time, and then just committing my heart to them. I don't want to do that again. It's a waste of time, energy, and heart space. Now, I have to determine by means of subconscious, and conscious testing if someone is worth my time, and wait for them to act on thinking that I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. I cannot pursue. I can do my part to try and build a friendship, but I cannot pursue. I cannot devote myself again unless someone makes it clear that they want to devote themselves to me.

It's a logical way to be, I should have been like that all along...but alas. Love clouds our judgment.

We'll see. It's an interesting life I lead. All of these obscure windows have cracked open that I did not expect, and are simply just that. Unexpected. I'll continue to live my life and let the Lord do His thing, I suppose. I hope that I don't get in the way. That's always a hassle.

Sometimes I feel like I'm in cahoots with "the Church."

To start off on a high note, today was really nice. Good church service, though people who have been missionaries with big organizations for so long make me wary sometimes...you can't always tell if they're just trying to sell you something at this point. Either way, I was reminded of something that I'd really love to do someday. Maybe the Lord will open that door, maybe not. We'll see. My "heart", for lack of a better Christian term, for missions has always fluctuated. "I want to do missions," and then someone says, "Well, you'll be so far from home," or "It's so expensive," or "You don't want it to be a vacation under the guise of mission work." All of which I understand, and as you can see by my lack of involvement with world missions, it's played its part in my decision making. Anyway, that desired was kind of stirred up again, I think. We'll see, I guess.

I proceeded to spend the afternoon between my store and Newburyport, both places offered up a really nice time. I enjoy walking around cities/towns by myself, and Newburyport is particularly lovely. A majority of my co-workers I think judge me for going over there on my day off, but I can't help it that I like them. I don't have a lot to do in my life right now. Why not hang out with people whose presence I enjoy? I don't see the problem.

Now to get to the meaning of my title. Sometimes, I feel like I'm in cahoots with the Church. I know that the Bible says that the Church is the Body of Christ, and that we're supposed to function like a body...work together, be there for each other, etc...but sometimes, when I think about so much of the reality of the church, I feel like I'm in cahoots with it to somehow defend its bad behavior.

I mean, the reality of so many parts of "the Body of Christ" is that it's full of hypocrites, apathetic Christians, or people who are just trying to prove that they're good enough. They aren't working together, they aren't trying to be Christ-like for the sake of reaching out to people who don't know the Lord. I don't deny that I am a part of the problem. I say that I'm a Christian and that I love the Lord and that I want to honor Him, but...I hardly participate in any of the "regular" Christian "activities" or "duties." I rarely go to church, I rarely read my Bible, I rarely pray...I'm a Christian in name only at this point. And I feel like I'm responsible to be honest about it.

I mean, granted, I don't want people to look at me and think, "Well, geez, if she's a 'Christian' and keep her 'Christian life' together, what's the point? She's just as bad off as me." I don't want people to think that about me, but it's true. I guess what makes it different is that I know I'm not condemned for being imperfect. Not that imperfection is a condemnation otherwise, but you know what I mean? Like...at this point in my life, I see that I'm a Christian in name only. My deeds aren't necessarily evil or going against God, but there is no action to my faith.

James tells us that faith without works is dead. You don't have to be living a life of blatant, willful sin to have lifeless, useless faith.

I feel like I'm responsible to be honest about my lacking with the Lord. If anything, I think that 1) It's important for people to know that Christians really don't have it all together, even though the whole point of church these days is to look that way. And 2) Even though I don't have it all together, and even though my faith is bearing no fruit, I see it as a challenge to rise up above myself by the grace of God so that people can ALSO see the reality of the Christian walk. It's a walk of mountains and valleys. It's a walk about feast and famine. It's about choices. Christ does as work in us continually to be like Him, but WE CHOOSE to let that work really take place. And sometimes we choose death over life, but then we choose life over death.

Does any of this make sense? I just think that it's wrong for Christians to NOT be honest about where they're really at with their walks with God. What's the secret? That being a Christian is hard? "Oh no, don't tell anyone that! Then they won't get saved." They're gonna get saved if they think we're constantly better than them?

I'm not sure what I'm rambling about anymore, but hopefully something made sense.

I'm tired of having to back up a Church that I'm uncomfortable being affiliated with. Can't the Church go back to being JUST about Jesus and being like Jesus and being Christ-like to those who aren't believers in Christ so that they can see it's not just a crutch or make a group of pathetic people feel better about themselves?

And I mean, I know that I shouldn't be "bashing" the church. I'm not trying to. But if I hear someone say, "Blah blah, people in the church are this and that," and I know that they're right, I mean...I have to agree. But then I want my life to reflect what the reality of Christ is. And currently, I don't think it is. My challenge is to repent of complacency and just OBEY. Like Pastor Tim said so many times. Simple obedience. Day by day, doing what God asks of you, one thing at a time.

*sigh* Christianity. It's so misunderstood. By everyone.

I feel like I'm falling apart.

But instead I'm going to be honest with you again about the person that I've become.

A long time ago, when I was about ten or eleven years old, I made the decision to not date. I wasn't going to date, I was going to court, and then I was going to get married. I was going to wait for a godly man who was going to know that I was the "One", and it was going to be romantic, and easy, and fine.

This has pretty much worked for me since then until now. For a long time I prided myself on having some kind of lofty standard for men, for dating - or not, rather. I was perfectly okay with waiting for the godly man (who of course had problems because no one is perfect.) I was okay with it until I thought that I had met him. And understandably, I'm sure, once I thought that I had met him, I began to get antsy. I began to be impatient, under the guise of patiently waiting for him to get a clue. Unfortunately, with the permission of my emotions, and against the will of my mind, my heart got away from me. I was convinced that somehow, some way, some day (sounds pretty West Side Story, am I right?) that this man and I were destined for each other. No matter what or who happened in either of our lives, it was fate. And since I believed that, it was easy to fall back on the "I'm trusting God" line, and play the "I'm waiting for the right one" game.

And then the reality of what I knew about my future with the man slapped me in the face one last time. And I gave up. I wouldn't have told you that, I would have said that I was a better woman for it, and that I was confident in my singleness, and that I was still trusting God and still waiting.

Not true. I gave up. I gave up on meeting anyone that I truly connected to, believed in, wanted to be with. Every once in a while something would happen and I'd feel some sort of glimmer of "hope" again, or I'd feel a wave of "single girl power" rush over me.

But the truth is that I don't know if I'm waiting anymore. I don't know what I'm waiting for, and I'm not trying to become the kind of woman that the man I think I should be waiting for would want to marry. I'm a mess. I feel like I've given up and I'll take whoever wants me, but the flip side is that that's not going to happen. I don't know what my future is. I don't know if there's a man in it. The image I have is a man who is much too good for me. I don't deserve some God-fearing man who wants to serve the Lord. I hardly want to serve the Lord. My walk with Christ is a complacent one, and I can talk a good talk but the reality is I don't have anything together. Right now, as I type this, I feel like I'm falling apart. I feel alone, and I feel like I know how I should be but I know I can't get there with my feeble attempts at Christianity. I get uncomfortable when Christians talk all Christian-y, like I can't relate to them anymore. That's not the person I want to be. I talk about wanting to be a "light for Christ at my job." Yeah, okay. Nice idea.

I want to wait. I want to believe. I want to be a godly woman who can stand beside a godly man and honor the Lord with marriage. I want that. But it doesn't exist right now. It's like I'm an emotional streetwalker, looking for anything, but I'm not at the point yet where I'll give in to anything that's offered to me, but I won't be surprised if I do some day.

Blech.

Pretty sure I'm addicted to caffeine at this point. My head is pounding. Last week was weird. It went by really quickly, and I did a lot of stupid things. You know how sometimes you do something dumb, and then you just keep on a roll for the next few days, doing more stupid things, and you judge yourself, and you sincerely believe that other people are judging you, and then you hate yourself, and then at some point you stop cringing at every thought about all the dumb things you couldn't stop doing and decide to push it all behind you and live like it didn't happen?

I'm trying to get into that last stage, but it's hard. I'm really just kinda stuck here. I'm a moron, and everyone knows it, and everything thinks I'm weird. I mean, a part of me sincerely doesn't care if people think I'm weird, but let's be real - no one wants it to be known that we're idiots.

My head really hurts.

But unfortunately, in life, there are people that you subconsciously really want to impress, and when you do dumb things that EVERYONE knows about - because I'm shameless and put my life on Facebook - it's like, "Well. I'm sure you thought I was quirky before this happened, but now you see that I have the maturity of a twelve year old."

Super. So here I am, blogging out my insecurities, hoping that soon I'll believe that I can move on, and no one will talk about my stupidity, and things can go back to normal, and I can be a grown up again.

*headdesk*

I'm also really insecure about my lack of love life right now, but that was expected, and I won't bore you with it again.


dlkjhdkjghdgjhekrjhksjdhkjbsa;oiaeuwr;poiwer[pQOEWEO;EUHCVBMNC <>ZX/:LKS"APwoeiw'epr9uetiugefbamndvmnv Z.

Uhg. I HATE BEING IN A FUNK LIKE THIS. I hate caring about what people think, I hate having stupid crushes on people just out of boredom, I hate that I'm so full of myself that I'm down on myself so much, I hate it. It's pathetic. It doesn't do anything for anyone, and it just rings me back twenty steps into adolescence instead of steps towards mature adulthood. What the heck is wrong with me?

Huhhh. Oh well. Cest la vie.

To win or be won.

"You have to learn how to play the game if you want to win."

What if I don't want to win? What if I want to be won?

The problem with things concerning life decisions being a game is that in order to win games, you have to be skilled at what is required to play. PEople who aren't good either lose, or win by chance. Games take strategy, sometimes manipulation, and there is always a winner and a loser.

However, what it takes to be won is completely different. There is work done on both sides, but there's only really need for one side to be cunning. To outwit the other competitors. The prize, however, just has to be that - a prize. Something that is only for the party deserving of it.

We want to be prized. Women want to know that men think they're most wonderful thing to be attained, and men want to know that women think they're worthy of attaining.

By making yourself the prize, it says that you believe whoever wins you is clearly worthy of you, which makes them feel good. If both men and women are playing games with each other, there's too much strategical cunning on both sides for anyone to truly know what's going on. There's the great chance of mixed messages, and people who may really want to be together end up with the wrong people because in trying to be the prize, AND a competitor in the game, makes you available to anyone, while you are trying to win other people. Does that make any sense?

Isn't it smarter to stay put, and watch for the one who proves to deserve you, instead of trying to prove that you are deserving AND something to be deserved at the same time?

I'm not good at games that require great strategy. I almost always lose Monopoly, I'm awful at Risk, and I'm 100% terrible at Manhunt. I'm good at staying put. I'm good at thinking things through, and figuring things out, but I am not good at trying to figure out the best way to win things.

I'm good at being myself. I'm not good at forced flirting. If ever someone falls in love with me, it's going to be because they think that I'm great. Not because I played with their emotions in a strategic way to win them over. Love isn't a game. It shouldn't be.

You do the best at being the best possible version of yourself, and someone will see that and be drawn to it. I know that it happens. I don't think that games are necessary. If they are, then I'm going to be single for a very long time.

A different determination.

Something is on my mind. It's my ability to inadvertently make things awkward. I never intend to, no one really does, but I always manage to be just weird enough that suddenly, something that was fun and enjoyable has become just awkward enough to be noticeable.

Maybe that's me reading too much into things, because I freely admit that I do do that. But I dunno. This week in particular I have too frequently regressed to my quirky immature state that I always regret at the end of the day, though it's fun in the moment. Maybe it's because I'm getting comfortable, maybe it's because different personalities bring out different parts of my personality. Maybe both. Probably both.

Either way, I would appreciate it if I had a better handle on my own personality and didn't let myself regress when I'm in the presence of certain others, and when I'm emotionally in the midst of ridiculous things. I also with I had a better handle on my imagination, which is linked to my emotions, which aren't actually a problem right now, in a negative way, but they're a hassle. They're in the way.

Thus ends my personal psychoanalysis. But the moral of the story, and the reason for my title is that I really do want to try and become more grounded as an individual. It's important to me. "Especially since I'm single and stuff."

*shrug*

Moving on to recent events. There isn't very much going on these days. Most of my days are spend at work, which I still very much enjoy. I still love my co-workers, and if anything, I have been hit with the reality of customers. Humans are awful, and serving rude people is awful. It's life, but I'm just letting you know.

Today I learned how to set up the store with the different promotional seasons. I did it with Jackie, and it went by pretty quickly. It almost filled up the eight hours we were allotted for it, but we finished about two hours early. It was a nice time. fun seeing new products, and making everything look good. I'll have to take a picture of the coffee sign I drew. I restarted it about four times. "It" being the little chalkboard sign sitting in the basket of Pike coffee beans. It says which beans they are, and how much they are, but what I decided to venture for was the draw the image of Pike's Place that's on the bag. The Siren's Eye showed the sign with the image on each of the coffee bags on the signs, and I wanted to try. It took a lot of re-do's, but I'm pretty pleased with the final result.

Some day, eventually, I suppose, I'll be doing it on my own, which is neat. It's a fun diversion from the regular day.

It is SO hot right now. It's supposed to be in the 90s all week. And it's humid. Bleeehhhhh. However, on the plus side, I just heard some thunder, so maybe it's rain. That'll be nice.

Oh! I've also been recently reminded of a band that I used to love, called The Classic Crime. I had only heard one of their albums, from years ago, but they came on my Spotify radio sometime last week, and I was like, "Hey! I still like them!" So, I'm listening to them. They're the kind of band that I'm willing to invest money in. I'm really choosy when it comes to music that I buy. Like, I'll pretty much listen to anything within a little reason these days, but I don't but a lot of stuff. It has to be stuff that I connect to.

The funny thing.

You ever have those things in your head that you want to express, and would express despite what people may think if you had the guts - but can't? I'm like that with certain things. Mostly silly things that don't carry any weight to them. But I can't write them down. Writing/journaling/blogging is probably my best means of communication. My thoughts just come out more clearly, and more honestly this way. However, there are somethings that I subconsciously refuse to express on paper or on here because I will simply feel too ridiculous. Even in a completely private journal. I don't know what it is about human nature that we are able to be embarrassed by our own secret honesty. It's nothing bad. It's nothing incriminating. It's just...silly.. To me.

Live life in denial. That's my motto. (Well. About certain things. Not everything. Just the things that make we exceedingly vulnerable.)

"We are our choices." - Jean-Paul Sartre

I like to google quotes about whatever topic I plan on discussing. I usually take them at face value, because I appreciate what is said, though I don't know what context it's in.

I don't know much about Sartre - nothing, really. His name is familiar, but that's about it. So, considering that he's a "existentialist philosopher, playwright, novelist, screenwriter, political activist, biographer, and literary critic." Chances are good that I don't align myself with much, if any, of his belief system. But like I said - I don't really know much about him.

I say all that to avoid being chewed out about using a quote from a secular man.

But let's be honest. It's true that the choices we make give people insight into who we are. I don't think that we ARE our choices, per se, because sometimes choices are honest mistakes, and don't necessarily reflect who we truly are.

I say all this to let you know that Choosing Life over Pancakes in still 100% relevant in my life. However, the definition has shifted a bit. It's not so much about choosing LIFE as in, "living life to the fullest," but more choosing LIFE as in righteousness and godliness. Understanding what I believe and making the choice to incorporate my relationship with God into my life every day. I fail drastically. I choose Pancakes all the time when it comes to my walk with the Lord, and when it comes to being Christ-like.

I know it's all a process, but it's a matter of discipline. (Insert "real life" examples such as health, doing well at work, etc.)

Growing closer to the Lord isn't about success and feeling like I'm "doing such a great job" at being a Christian. It's not about how I'm seen as a believer, but about the integrity of my relationship with the Lord. It's like integrity in real life. If you're the same behind closed doors as you are in public, then you have nothing to worry about. The same thing for our walk with the Lord. If I actually have a strong walk with Him, and actually spend time with Him, and actually spend time in prayer, I won't need to act like I've got it all together as Christian. That will just manifest itself.

I fail. Every day I fall short of who I think I should be and who I want to be in Christ. I fall so short, and so hard. I know that God is faithful with new mercies, but I do not want to take them for granted. I need to stay humble.

That's the word from God about this season of my life. Stay humble. Remember who I really am, and who He really is, and walk in humility. Don't take anything for granted.

The end.

I used to, but not anymore.

Had an interesting confrontation with myself, today. Nothing new, really, just one of those moments when you look at yourself now, and your look at yourself four years ago, consider how you would have done something then as opposed to now, and either shudder or sigh relief at what you've become.

Four years was pretty specific, wasn't it? Anyway. That number will just keep getting bigger, and soon four years will be ten years ago, and I'll be happily married. Or whatever.

Today's case was a sigh of relief. I told my mom yesterday, "I think that [this situation] is the most rational I've had in my entire life."

Because I'm not even treating it like a situation. It's just life. I have the tendency to read into things, and over think things into what they aren't, and never have been.  It's just how I am, and usually (as is true for most, I'm sure,) it never has the best outcomes.

However, now, in the case of say, giving my opinion on something that I actually have very strong opinions about, I no longer give my opinion as law. In the past, I would give "advice" or my "opinion", but with the expectation that whoever I was talking to was going to take it and make it a part of their moral code. I also was more generous with giving my opinion when it wasn't necessarily asked for.

I don't do that anymore. I used to, but not anymore. Unless it's an open conversation where everyone is giving an opinion. That's not weird.

So I used to do that. Now, I've learned the importance of individuality I have accepted that though my personal convictions are right to me, because of where I am in life, because of the lessons I've learned, because of my worldview, I have every right to them. However, though I have the right to express them to others, I don't have the right to force them on people.

Well, I do, technically. It's just not nice. No one likes to be told what to do, unless they're in the mood to learn, and listen.

This is starting to not make sense.

The moral of the story is, I think that casual friends can turn into lovers, but emotionally invested friends cannot. It doesn't give you a chance to find common ground and get along and have fun...you're just both emotional.

Trust me, this makes sense, okay?

My thoughts...when I write them out an omit specifics, it just makes it a train wreck for the general public. Sorry :P Because in my head, I know all the missing links.

Oh well. Stinks to be you.

Are thumb rings ever cool?

Because I've started wearing one again. I'm pretty sure this is a sign of taking two steps backward out of mature adulthood, but I don't really care. I'll take it off in a few days.

On the health front, I've make a determination to go back to, and stick with in a serious way the decision to be wheat free, which in turn becomes being gluten free, because...well, it just happens. When I started working, I was still wheat free, but then one day...I was really hungry. And I ate a sandwich. And from then on, I was eating sandwiches. Frankly, this is not good. I have seen the effects it's making on my body, and I dislike them. Aside from probably weight gain, there are other things like my skin that are clearly affected, and I'm retaining a lot of water (which accounts for weight gain.)

So, that's a boring thing to talk about, but I'm just letting you know. I don't eat wheat, okay? Don't let me do it. Ever again.

In other news, I visited a new church today (remember that lesson I learned about trusting God to bring a Christian man into my life out of the blue? It was that guy's church.)

Although, as I expected, he wasn't there. I knew he wouldn't be. The Lord even whispered something along the lines of this to me: "Hannah, you know that you pursuing him is going to slow everything down, right?" And then I told myself, "Besides, he really probably isn't the one. I'm just crazy."

But I sincerely wasn't going to try and find this guy. What would I have done? Gone up to him and said, "Hey, remember me from the Senior Day? My name is Hannah, and a girl from work directed me to your Facebook profile, and I stalked you, and that's how I knew you'd be at this church."

Lame. And creepy. And awkward. But if I was in that situation, I'm in a place of personal confidence, that I'd probably tell him the truth. Maybe it's desperation. Either way, he wasn't there, but I enjoyed the service. The pastor is a ZBC graduate (I think from several years ago, before they came to Haverhill.) He's very hip and traditional at the same time. Maybe not hip...more like straightforward. Which I appreciate, if it's not too rash.

It was nice. I don't know that I'll go back...because...well, I have a church already, and..I'm not dating that guy yet. Or ever.

Anyway. Lesson re-learned: Strategically placing yourself in a place that a guy might be doesn't work. Let the Lord bring you together.

The end.

Funny story at the end.

"...Not necessarily big, 'ha, ha, ha,' 'laugh out loud' funny, and certainly not make-fun-of-other-people funny but rather something human-funny." - Marie, from Dan in Real Life

I have a job. I have a job that I love. I'm so thankful.

Last night, I set up my banking account for a monthly transfer from checking to savings. I wrote out a check for my tithe. I bought my own car insurance. Today, I bought my transcripts from Mt. Zion, so that I can get back on the ball for school in the fall.

So thankful to the Lord for making this possible. Sure, my car is falling apart. Sure, I haven't been able to go to the gym in a month. Sure, I'm not as organized as I'd like to be. Sure, sometimes my emotions get away from me. Sure, I still live at home and am needing rides from my parents to work again...but you know what? I'm content, and my earthly ducks are in a row for now. Things are not a cyclone of confusion, you know? I mean..I dunno. I can save for a car. I can save for my wedding. I have the ability to take care of myself with financial things, and it makes me really, really, happy.

Things at work are going well, I'm still not the best in the Cafe, but I feel really comfortable on Drive Thru and Bar.

I'm going to be in a wedding this fall! Allix got engaged a few days ago! She knew her boyfriend was asking her dad on Mother's Day, and then a couple days after she got home, they got engaged!! So excited for her. She's totally wife material. It's just where her life is at, you know?

The wedding is in the Fall, and I'm in it. Because Allix and I are biffs. With weddings come fitness, and before fitness comes a girl who has literally not been to the gym or done any major physical activity for a month. Not having a reliable car makes it difficult.

Making lame eating choices also stunts my success. But, such is my story. You've heard it all before.

Either way, I'm on the road again, to success. At least I'm not insecure anymore.

So, funny story. You remember my unrequited love story, right? Maybe you were a part of it, depending on who reads this. 

And there was an underlying reason as to why I continued to unrequitedly love. I didn't fully believe my own belief that God could cross my path with any Christian man out of the blue. I believed it, but I believed that it had to be someone from church, or small group or something. A place where I could be confident that the men were saved.

Obviously, this had led to disappointment, because though I know some godly, single men, I am clearly not in a relationship with any of them.

So I went to Canada. Freaked out, chilled out, had a great time. Came home and declared all sorts of "faith-filled" things about a person who really is...well, great as a casual friend, where his faults don't matter, but as a partner...it's just simply a bad idea. Logically. Realistically. For me. It's okay...I think that logic and reason, and God, have won out in this thing. But my parents were on board, and we all prayed together, and it was nice.

And fast forward to the next day. The day of a Donation for work, at the community center. It was Senior Day, and Em and I were serving coffee to Seniors. Well, made coffee and brought t over with cups, milk, cream and sugar. And we smiled, and looked pretty. 

And what would happen? Now, don't take the rest of this too seriously. I'm not claiming any big future things, but it's a lesson learned. I met someone. We didn't even officially introduce ourselves to each other, but we met, and we hit it off fine, and it turns out this guy went to high school with a bunch of people that I work with. And after some Facebook stalking, he knows people that I went to youth group with, back when I was about 14.

See where I'm going with this? Aside from this proof of how tiny our planet it, this guy is a Christian. It's fairly clear from stalking his Facebook. Who would have thought? Not I. But it happened. In an unexpected place, I met and got along with a guy who turned out to be a Christian.

Out of the blue. God is able to do things like this. And deep down, I believed it, but I didn't really. Because I'm human, and I desire proof, just like anyone.

So...I don't expect to see this guy ever again, although he works two buildings away, and I know his work schedule (he offered the information. but then failed to get my number. Or name. So...I dunno.)

He also said he's not a big coffee guy. Which is an issue. Maybe he likes tea.

Anyway, I don't expect to see him again. Maybe he'll come into the store one day. We'll see. But until then, I have a renewed faith that the Lord can do quite literally anything. Even cross my paths with a Christian man in an unexpected place.

So there.

[Oh,] Canada.

This is actually from the drive home. :P

Whenever anyone goes to Canada, or talks about Canada, they ALWAYS say "Oh, Canada," or sing "Oh, Canada," or whatever.

Obviously I had to follow suit because..well, it's simply appropriate.

Allix and I drove to Canada on Friday.

To prove it, here's an exceedingly unattractive picture to prove it. Well, unattractive of me. Allix looks lovely. I share it because I have no more shame. Quite literally.

We drove to Canada because our classmate Roman, was thinking about getting married, and asked us to come enjoy the event. The moral of the story is that Roman is one of my favorite people, and I have been psyched about his wedding for a YEAR. Quite literally to the day, because LAST year, at Hannah Eddy's wedding, Roman was like, "Yeah, I think we're gonna get married in May..." And his wedding day was the day after Hannah Eddy's. Just a year later.

Sooooo.. A whole year! Been waiting forever! His wife is lovely, and also perfect for him. The ceremony was beautiful, the reception was great. Lindsay had like, the perfect Pinterest wedding. She pinned things, and actually DID them. I was massively impressed.

Saw a lot of classmates, which was really nice.

So, funny story: Roman's house. Allix and I knew we were staying there, but we didn't quite comprehend that everyone else was staying there. We arrived, got inside, poked around a bit, to figure out who was staying and...well, EVERYONE was staying.

We were like, "What the...?!" and kind of freaked out. Well, I freaked out. If you know anything about my life, and/or have read any previous posts about my bout of unrequited love, then..well...just fit those pieces together and go on your merry way.

But it gets better! Honest! Between the time that we got to the house, and everyone came home from the rehearsal dinner, the Lord did a massive work in my heart.

I knew one thing: If I kept on freaking out, it would be selfish, and it would ruin everything for everyone. I didn't want to be a quiet jerk, like I've done in the past, because it's wrong. I wanted to do what was right in the eyes of God because...well, being selfish is wrong. I'm not that person anymore.

I had determined all kind of ways to deal with the weekend. Don't have a cold shoulder, but don't be friends.  Don't be rude, but don't interact.

All contradictions, really. The right thing to do was to..well..forgive, not hold any grudge or bitterness, and have a nice time. I was there for Roman, after all.

Well...in the end, as far as I'm concerned, everything went great. I love seeing how I've changed when I'm in different social situations, etc. Case in point, I danced at the reception! I have NEVER even remotely considered going onto the dance floor because I have ZERO dance skills, and I don't like looking stupid.

But as I watched everyone, I realized..they don't have dance skills either. No one knows what to do, they're just copying each other and having fun.

So that's what I did. And it was fantastic.

We got to see Niagra Falls before we left on Sunday. They're beautiful, although, I think we all agreed that they're smaller than we anticipated. Oh well. Still beautiful, and majestic, and very, very quiet. It was interesting. I would post a picture, but Zack has them on his phone, and has yet to send them to me.

The drive back was long. We left about four hours behind schedule, which was in the end okay. It was nice to spend the extra time with everyone.

For good measure, here's another picture of me and Allix, being beautimous.

I like this.

This week has been great. I've had some emotional backlash, but I've gotten to see all kinds of friends and drink coffee, and make coffee, and laugh, laugh, laugh. My job is going to give me epic laugh lines.

The seven shots of espresso I had today don't help, I'm sure.

But really, it's been so nice to catch of with the Gable's on Wednesday (over coffee), and with Sam today (over coffee) and then with Sam AND Anna tonight (over pizza), and then tomorrow I'm going to to dinner with Priscilla.

AND ALLIX IS COMING NEXT WEEK! YAY.

She and I are road-tripping to Canada for a friend's wedding. Roman. Love that guy. Obviously his fiancee loves him more, but as far as friendship goes, I like him a whole lot. SO excited for him and Lindsey.

There was one potential cloud over the trip, but I've gotten over it. Ain't got nothing on me.

Well, this blog is really dull, but my life is not. Life is great, and the people in it are fantastic, and today was a great day.

I really should stop writing when I have nothing substantial to say. I don't like these kind if posts. Boo.

Wanted: Emotional Detox

I feel like I am experiencing an emotional overload. About to overflow with feeling. Unfortunately, it's not any wonderful feelings, they feel old and cloudy. I need to detox. Some kind of emptying and renewal sequence of my feelings.

My head is there, because I understand logic and facts, but my heart is just lagging behind, you know? It's dragging me down. I have had five years of feelings building, and building, and building, only to have someone reject them. A lame example would be, someone says they're hungry. You want this person to be completely satisfied, so you work really hard to make them something they'll enjoy. They get excited about, tell you that it looks really delicious, they thank you for putting in the effort, and then when you finish, they say, "Eh. No thanks. It looks great, but eh." And leave.

My brain has processed all of this. It knows, "This is done, and it's all going to be fine, so be happy." But my heart just is walking through a swamp about it, man. My heart is saying, "But it made so much sense. But I cared so much. But I was there when... But, but, but..."

It's hard. I wish I wasn't dealing with this, but it's simply not over yet.

Today was the first time that it started to manifest itself in my regular outside life. For the last hour and a half or so of work I was on the verge of bursting into tears. I didn't express anything, but I was taking everything personally, I was being cold to my partners, who didn't deserve it, because they're wonderful and I love them, and they make me smile. I love work because it occupies my mind in a productive and enjoyable way.

So, if any of you read this, I'm sorry for being so lame. You guys are my favorite.

I need some quiet. And Jesus. And I miss having a best friend that was easily accessible. Everyone is so far away, or busy.

Uhg.

Well, sorry for wiping my sleeve off on you, if you read this. My heart was all over it. But thanks for reading, anyway.

My hope for YOU.

If you decided to click on the link to this post, I have something to say to you.

Everyone deserves to do what they love. Sometimes it takes a longer time for dreams to be achieved for some than it does for others, but everyone deserves to be actively involved in whatever brings them the most joy, and sense of accomplishment.

We all have dreams, desires. We favor some activities over others. We're unique, and what we love is what makes the world go 'round.

I don't know what you love, but I know that you love something. If you aren't sure what you're passionate about, I hope that you discover it, and I hope that you find the courage to throw yourself into it absolutely.

If you're currently putting aside your passion for something else, then I hope that one day you will have the opportunity to pursue your dreams, and do what you love.

Life comes with disappointments, sure, but that doesn't mean that you have any reason to give up or think that you're stuck in some dead-end gig for the rest of your life.

Trust the Lord for your dreams. They aren't too small, or insignificant. It's what you love, and that's what matters.

So there.

A promise from the Lord.

You ever have those moments when you think the Lord has given you a promise to believe for, but you pretty much don't really believe it until you see it? That's how I feel. I believe it in the sense of faith, but my brain is waiting for the proof.

I mean, sometimes we hear things that are undeniable. We KNOW we were just told something in our heart, but it's so crazy we can't help but be like, "Yeah, right. That's totally just my wishful thinking."

That's kind of how I feel, I think. Last Thanksgiving, we had a lovely evening, my whole family. It was the nicest family gathering that we've had in a long time, I feel. Which, I believe as I think about it, what simply a blessing from the Lord because it was my Grandma's last Thanksgiving.

Anyway, at the end of the night, I was standing outside by myself, admiring the night sky, and talking to the Lord. Not complaining, but requesting, and leaving it at that.

And then....I heard something, as I was talking to the Lord. I did a double take - it was completely beside my original train of thought - it literally was like I was thinking one thing and at the same time a completely different statement was made into my head. I did a double take, and the exact same sentence entered my mind.

I believe just by means of faith that it was a promise from the Lord, but my head is like, "Girl, you crazy. I mean, we'll see, because nothing is impossible, but you crazy."

I've told a couple people about this, but not many. I think I've even talked about it previously here, on my blog. I may have been more specific then, if so. Whatever.

Trusting the Lord. Feeling at peace these days, as opposed to a couple days ago when I was a wreck.

Unrequited love, it's a thief of joy. But it's unrequited, not true. True love is mutual, and it's also not a thief of joy. It adds to it.

Thankful

I'm thankful for my friends.

I've had a weird emotional breakdown this week, concerning an event from February. I ended up talking for a while with my dear friend Kiaya about it. I've known Kiaya since about 8th grade, though I don't think we became friends until about maybe 10th grade. We connected through a mutual friend, she married the brother of the friend, and the rest is history.

So, I've known her for a long time. Almost ten years!

This is us Senior Year. Ah, Senior Year.

She is one of my favorite people. One of my best friends in life. It's one of those open, non-judgmental, completely honest relationships that...I don't think has ever had any drama. Kindred Spirits, no doubt. 

So, I talked to her today about my problem. She was honest, and kind, and the Lord used her to speak to me.  I mean, what she said struck me so deeply that all I could do was cry.

It started with her telling me that I should pray about it. Which is obvious, but you know what? I wasn't doing that. It ended with her saying this: 

"But what I'm saying is sometimes these romantic things make it hard for us to hear. Lust of the flesh and what not."

And there it was. I'm not even sure exactly what it was the struck me so deeply but it did. And it put me in my place.

And I'm thankful. 

Nothing new, per se.

The short of it is: I still make coffee, I still work out, and I'm still happy being single.

Although, as expected, that last one has managed to sneak in and try to convince me that being single is a problem.

Something I saw somewhere made me cry myself to sleep with disappointment. Not despair, I'm not quite THAT juvenile, but the fact is that unrequited love hurts, even when you're content with the the situation.

Oh well, I suppose. There's nothing to do about it, except to keep making macchiatos. Which is okay by me. I love it.

I got a little more practice sequencing today. I'm not great, but that's expected. I'd like to be great.

rionfdkfdkfkjgfkfvcnvnv defgfjbgnkjkjbf.

Yup. I'm so tired. I went to the gym after work, and it was great, but now I'm sleepy and my feet are sore.

Aaaaand that's it. Nothing too profound. OH, I got to see Billy and Dan from Get in Shape yesterday! I stopped by before work to tell Dan about the hiring fair at my store (his fiance wants to work at Starbucks), and they were like, "Wellll where's our coffee??" So I bought them some coffee yesterday. And it made me happy. And I miss them! I love those guys so much. Dan said he would come see me on Saturday at work. AND WELL HE SHOULD. lol

Ick. My blog is digressing into what my old blogs were. Lame journal entries that say the same thing over and over and over again.

I'll do better, promise.

I want a salad.

So I'm going to go buy one.

Well, life update:

I work, I work out, I go to church, I watch Fox News and the Food Network. This is my life, and I'm content. I still love work. I still love my co-workers. I love working out. I love my church. I love justified laziness.

That's it, really.

But sincerely, God is just faithful. I'm blessed. He answers prayers, and is faithful to open doors.

I recently joined Planet Fitness. It was so weird - I saw an ad for their Spring $1 start up deal, and that was on the 9th. It was like, "Ends April 10th!" and I was like, "Dangit!" It's always hard for me to keep up my fitness on my own, and I knew that waiting until their summer deal was going to wreck havoc on my health. And then, as odd as it sounds, I had a kind of dream-vision sort of thing. I saw myself go into PF and ask if I could still sign up for a dollar, even though the promotion passed. And in the dream, the guy told me that a lot of people had been asking that, and he let me do it.

Well, a couple days later, I decided to go to the website just to see how much it was to start up, if I could scrounge it together.

What do I see? "Extended by popular demand until April 14th! Sign up for a $1!"

Whaaaaat? I happened to have $1.19 in my account, and proceeded to join.

So now I'm a gym member. I love being able to go and be on the machine as long as I want, and burn as many calories as I want.

That's basically how I lost weight at school, sooo fingers crossed. But in the end, I just like working out. I like knowing that I live a normal healthy lifestyle. I'm not crazy because I just can't afford it, and I'll get bored. I like doing what I want, okay?

So, life is good. I think I'm getting paid this week which will be awwwwesome. :)

That's all.

Maybe I'm just idealistic, buuuuuut...

I am completely willing to own that my mind could be in the midst of rainbows and butterflies when it comes to loving my job. But I sincerely love it from the bottom of my heart. Even when DTO is a beast, and in my head, all I want my manager to say is "move on to something else, you're terrible at this," I don't want to give up. I have been waiting for, and applying to this job for a long time. I am willing to work as hard as I need to to be great.

I hope that I never come to a point where I dread coming to work. I don't see that happening soon. Obviously there's bad days, but I know that. In general, thought, I don't want to hate my job, and do it just because it's an income.

Also, I think it's safe to say that I think my co-workers are fantastic. Encouraging, funny, normal...I love having co-workers. It's literally one of the reason I wanted a job so badly. They're so great. I'm thankful for them.

GUYS, EVERYTHING IS JUST GREAT. That's the simplest way to say everything that I can't find words for to express my happiness. Everything is amazing, and it's as awesome as I thought it would be, and that's all.

Moving on from the greatness of the work where I get burned by milk, and smell like coffee, and get splattered by coffee, and my hands get sticky with syrup...I'm starting a different kind of work tomorrow.

We heard about this farm that gives volunteers a share of the harvest. I think the Farmer said I'll be doing planting tomorrow. This is going to be so fun! I'll learn how to garden, and do a new kind of physical labor, and get tan (holla.) AND the moral of the story is we get a share of everything. Fruit, vegetables, flowers, herbs, eggs. Awesome!

Well, sorry for being so sunshine-y with my Starbucks love, if you're hating your life right now. I know that when I hate my life, people who are so happy annoy the heck out of me, so I apologize, but I can't help it. I know how those happy people feel, now.

Life will get better, if you're life is terrible :) Patience, and courage to trust God pay off at the right time.

Dangit, T-Swift.

STUCK IN MY HEAD, AGAIN. What is this voodoo?!

I'm sleepy. Finished up training today, and got to get a leg up on practice shifts, which start next week. Loved it all. I love getting comfortable with everything. I love that ultimately, everything is really organized. I love that the atmosphere is really friendly, and normal. I've said it before, but I am really just so thankful that I'm naturally being myself. That I'm not going through my typical "being shy and weird at first and then opening up after three weeks" phase.

Hurrah for confidence, and being a grown up.

Honestly, I love working. Having a job is so great - especially after NOT having one for so long. Not a consistent, several-days-a-week one. I love that I have something to do every day, that is productive, and that is fun. I seriously do not deserve to be so blessed, but I am so thankful.

All of these blog posts are pretty redundant these days. Sorry. But really, it's just all so great.

I haven't gotten my pound of coffee yet. Dangit! I should go pick it up tomorrow.

Got time off in the works for Roman's wedding, which is super. Have I mentioned that, yet?

In short, the moral of the story is:

Me. Allix. Car. Canada.

Ohhhhhh yeahhhh.

iuhzdrdjfhg;jfgh I'm just bored, don't mind me. I felt like typing. Jurassic Park is coming out in 3D, guys. I'm really, really excited. The book is 1000x better, but I LOVE that movie. It always puts me on the edge of my seat.

Hmm. I should go do devotions, and things.

Shots, pumps, and foam, oh my!

The biggest accomplishment (if it was accomplished, anyway) I think is memorizing how many shots of espresso, and pumps of syrup go into the different drink sizes. Also steaming milk. After that, the espresso based drinks are probably a breeze. Teas and frappuccinos are pretty easy, though.

Today was day two of training, and it was really great. Had fun, and I'm not as nervous about forgetting things because I feel really relaxed in the environment. If I was uptight and insecure, I'd be forgetting everything the instant I learned it. Obviously I don't have everything down yet, but I'm comfortable.

Tomorrow I go in at 1 pm, which is nice. NEXT WEEK, though - I have an opening and closing shift. I'm really excited about that. It's funny, being completely okay (and excited) about waking up at 3:45 in the morning to get to work by 5. I told my mom that I think it's similar to my Mt. Zion experience: I was okay with wearing skirts every day because I knew that I was supposed to be at the school, and I was excited about going. Same thing here. I know that I belong in that store, man. It's like, everything is foreign, but in a really exciting way. I'm beyond excited about this job, so if I have to be up at the crack of dawn, I'll gladly do so.

Left this evening on a high note - both T and I made ourselves a drink before we left. I made a hazelnut macchiato, because of the lattes, cappuccinos, and macchiatos, the latter are the trickiest. I had tried a caramel one earlier today, and it didn't turn out quite right, so I wanted to try again, and V (she was training us) said it was perfect. It was also *Jim Gaffigan voice* delicious. Seriously, hazelnut over caramel any day. But that's just a personal preference.

I also got to make a couple customer drinks, and they didn't complain so...hopefully they turned out okay :)

Well, another day - happy, content, and blessed. So excited about what the Lord has in store.

April First, 2013

Today was the day! I began Barista training this morning, a little after 9 am. The other guy who is training with me, T, seems really great. It was so neat to be sitting across from another person who was just as excited about working at Starbucks as me, who was just as enthusiastic abut coffee, and even wants his own cafe someday. It's like, "Hey, I'm not a complete loon for looking forward to this so much!" I think he and I hit it off really well, so I'm excited to work with him (it'd be a bummer to meet the other new person and dread being their co-worker.)

Today was mostly paperwork and the background/vision of Starbucks. We also did one tasting - I'm really looking forward to doing the tasting. Just doing Kenya today was eye-opening to the distinctions between each roast and blend, and I'm really, really excited about delving into that. I mean, I've probably had a cup of almost all their different blends, but before now, it was just all coffee. I could taste the difference between roasts, but the little things that make it unique just make the experience so much more exciting.

I know that Starbucks is all controversial right now in the Christian/conservative world, but as a business, and as a coffee shop, they're really great. And I think I'm really blessed to be at a branch that puts action to the values that the company claims. They care about the experience for the customers, and they care about the community that they're in, they care about their partners, and my store acts on these values. I'm really excited. I think that this is going to be a really, really incredible experience.

And yeah, I am very aware that I'm going into a secular workplace, and that I'm going into the world, and that my maturities are going to be tested, but I'm ready for that. I'm in a very different place than I was two years ago - the Lord knows when to put us in certain places. If I had started at the Haverhill Starbucks two years ago, I can assure you that things would not be going well.

I'm ready for this. I'm ready to learn - everything. When it comes to the work, when it comes to the people I'm working with, when it comes to customers, when it comes to myself in the midst of it all. I'm more than ready to get into this.

I am nervous about retaining everything, but that stems from my "I want to get it right the first time, and every time" mentality. I'm always like that when I start new things - but I'm reminding myself over and over that making mistakes is completely okay, I'm new. No one expects me to be perfect right away.

Well, I'm thrilled. I'm blessed. I'm ready. I am so excited about what lies ahead.

Huhhhh. I'm happy. When it comes to earthly things satisfying the best that they can, I am satisfied. However, my wrath towards Hallmark Love stories would say otherwise. (Seriously, Hallmark? Nothing is more unrealistic.)

But really, I'm happy. Why? Because of the faithfulness of God. Literally none of our "earthly satisfactions" come from anywhere except God.

Monday!

It's coming closer - the beginning of a new chapter in the book of my life.

I start work at Starbucks on Monday. 9 a.m. I'm thrilled. I'm still in disbelief that this is my life. That I'm not going to be stretching thirty dollars a week, and using my parent's money every week. I'm so in awe of the Lord, and still so humbled by His blessings. All I want for this experience is to honor Him and do my best, and not waste what He's given me. I'm not the best at doing all of that, but I really, really just want to do well on my end of this blessing.

Yesterday, I went shopping for uniform gear. I technically HAVE black pants and white blouses, but I wanted to get some new stuff because what I have is...lacking. The most important thing that I needed was leather shoes that fully covered my feet. HARDEST THING TO SHOP FOR, EVER.

I found a white blouse right away, pants were a struggle, until I stumbled upon the Lee part of Sears, and found the pants I was wearing that day, but in black - on sale! I got two pairs.

After that, I walked, and walked, and tried on, and walked, and looked, and tried on shoes upon shoes upon shoes.

Finally. FINALLY. I went into Payless one last time, and there they were - Converse style Airwalks with a label that specifically said LEATHER and a tag with "24/7 comfort insole," and as a bonus "no-slip soles."

When I saw the word Leather, I knew I was going to buy them. I tried them on as a formality, but I was so tired at that point, I just KNEW the search was over.

God is faithful. And I bought myself a cupcake. It was delicious. Then, I went home.

And today, I went bowling! Priscilla came, and we had a great time. Now, I'm going to go eat tacos, because life is good.

It's nice when...

You feel good about your blessings.

You know how when times are rough, and you have to remind yourself that you're blessed, so that you can force yourself to keep perspective? It's an important thing to do, but man is it nice to know you're blessed and FEEL blessed.

We can't live by feelings, but when there's nice feelings...I can't complain.

I was sitting out on the steps, drinking my second cup of coffee (second time sitting on the steps in the sunshine,) and I thought to myself, "Man. I am hugely blessed."

I just FEEL and SEE the blessings these days, and I am so humbled by them. I really, really am. It's a bunch of simple things, and big things, but I am so, so humbled. I mean, I feel like it's too much. Like, the Lord is going overboard, and needs to let me linger in a rut for a while or something.

I've been home for two weeks - two of them. More has happened in two weeks that is life-changing and thrilling than has happened in two years. Things that I have been waiting for, dreaming of, wishing at 11:11 for for TWO really, really long years are actually happening.

I'm not crazy now, and I wasn't crazy then. I knew in my heart of hearts that things like becoming a barista were going to happen.

The secret to having dreams come true is being willing to let go of your dreams if God asks you to, in the midst of holding on to them.

I have a job. Finally. It's not JUST a job, it's my dream job. I have insurance, AND the same doctor that I had before I lost it a few months ago. I'm going to go to college in the fall. These past two years have been a process of going forward. We're always moving forward by the grace of God, but sometimes we have to go forward through things that we wish we could run away from to get to what we're really anticipating. It's ACTUALLY HAPPENING.

Two years of searching, and crying, and waiting, and being angry, and being on a spiritual decline, and having a few ups, but only being able to focus on the downs, and forcing myself to remind myself that God is trustworthy...it's like...if you've been following me on my blog for any major length of time, you know that it's been a struggle.

And for now, the struggle is over. There will be new challenges, but for now, it's all good. And I'm stunned by the blessings of God. I literally do not feel worthy, and I almost feel really bad to be like, "OMG GUYS MY LIFE IS AWESOME NOW YAYAYAYAY!!!"

But it just is, and it's because God is faithful, even when I haven't been faithful. It's..just incredible. I mean, the week before I left for Arizona, everything that I thought I had going for me collapsed. Literally. Love, life, and what I thought was a pursuit of happiness just crumbled. The week after I got back from Arizona, everything took a turn. (There's not love yet, but that's okay. I'm content. I told Allix today that if the Lord brings man into my life this week, I won't be able to handle it. I'll probably run away.)

Life feels good these days, and I'm embracing it. It's not always going to be nice, but for now, in my day by day walk, things are rainbows and sunshine. And I'm honored that the Lord would bless me like this.

Ta!

It's a nice life.

I do have to remind myself to not get caught up in what looks and feels like success. Life is nice, and there HAS been a big burst of success but if I get wrapped up in that, and forget that it's a gift from God, it's going to get sour fast.

I'm talking of course, about my JOB AS A BARISTA R;OHF;GKJHSOIHG.

Honestly, proof that there is a God #47676: Me getting this job. The Bible says that God will "give us the desires of our hearts" if we delight in Him. Now, I'm not a Pastor, or a deep student of the Bible. But I think that this is fairly simple. Delighting in God, means delighting in anything from Him, and about Him. It means reading His Word, but it also means being willing and fully open to the possibility of Him asking you to give up whatever you want most. You delight in Jesus - it might be hard, or even extremely hard to give up the possibility of doing what you love, or receiving what you think you truly desire, but God knows what will please us the most.

He knows us better than we know ourselves. I know for myself, what I prayed frequently concerning my career in coffee was "Lord, this is my desire, but if it's not YOUR desire for me, then make Your desire my desire. But it really would be great if coffee was in my future." But my heart wanted what He wanted for me. I was fully prepared, and even expecting to not get hired this week. I was expecting at the very best, the "promise" of a phone call.

I mean, there is something supernatural about the feeling that comes when the Lord gives you a desire of your heart. I went into that interview simply trusting Him, and the only hopes that were raised were that His will would be done in my life. My expectation of one final rejection. When that didn't happen, and the manager said that she wanted to offer me the job, I felt such a swell of joy and excitement inside me. It was like standing outside the door of someone's house. You've rung the bell, knocked a few times, and decided to just wait. You know they've heard the knocks and the doorbell, so you wait. Maybe it gets cold, maybe your legs get tired, so you sit a while, but you wait. And when the door opens, it's like...this unebelievable experience.

When she offered me the job, it was like seeing a door that I had been waiting outside of for so long just open so wide, and someone on the other side was beckoning me in.

Really thrilling. I'm so honored, and humbled, honestly. I mean, yeah, in the reality picture, it's just a job, and it's not going to be perfect, but for me, it's not just a job. It's a journey that I have been itching to take for so long. My mom reminded me that I've actually wanted to work at Starbucks since I was 15 years old. I just didn't have the chance to pursue it until I got home from college. 7 years. Seven years for something that I thought was cool to turn into a sincere passion (that is, let's be honest, pretty dang cool.)

Delight in Jesus. His desires will be your desires, if you let Him fulfill His will for your life. Don't aggressively pursue what you don't love. In work, in relationships, even...it just makes things harder, and it keeps you from what's perfect for you. Waiting, and trusting God, and letting Him provide and fulfill your needs day to day is the fastest way to receive your heart's desires.

I don't remember if this is what I originally wanted to blog about, but hey. So it goes.

I'm sleepy.

I woke up at 6:30 this morning to the first scrape of our neighbor's shovel. My dad's back is down for the count, and I had a 9:30 interview, so I was strangely energized to get outside and shovel like a boss. I was determined to get to that interview - rain, snow, sleet, hail, tornado, anything. Because the reality is, if I can't make it to an interview in the snow, I can't go to work in the snow. I'm an unemployed New Englander - how can I deserve a job if I can't handle our crazy weather? She gave me a couple of chances to reschedule, but all I knew was, "No. I am going to be there. I will be in that interview." And, I told her that when we got started, making initial chit-chat about the weather and roads, etc.

So, I had an interview at Starbucks, today. Now, I know someone working at this particular store, and she's told me multiple times that I should try applying there. I had applied once, and never heard anything. Then, last week, on the day that I got home, she messaged me saying that her store is hiring and I should apply. So, okay. I put in an application that night, and I followed up a few days later. I scored an interview, great.

Now, I'm not sure how to say this without sounding weird, but between scheduling my interview, and having my interview, there was a lot of "Well, I'm not going to get my hopes up, I'm just going to do it and trust the Lord for His will." There was a lot of committing my will to His will, and just trusting Him. I was at The Loop yesterday, and in January I had put in an application to Claire's. A part of me said, "Well, maybe you should follow up with your application there, just in case." Then another part said, "Just give the interview a chance." I have also always had this belief, though I haven't been very verbal about it, that if I were ever to get a job (at Starbucks or otherwise,) I would be offered the job on the spot. They wouldn't have to think about it, and they wouldn't have to "talk to other applicants," or anything. They would just believe that I could do the job and hire me. Because, let's be honest, very frequently the phrase "I'll call you in about a week" means "Haha, sucker, you are lame and I hate you." Okay, not exactly that, but that's what it feels like.

Anyway. The interview. The morning was stressful and we left later than I wanted, so I was convinced that I would be late. I even called her to say that I would be about fifteen minutes late.

I walked through the doors at exactly 9:30. My dad is a snow beast. And, God is good.

Then, I got my complimentary interviewee coffee (grande Americano, because of reasons.) I sat at a table and waited. She came over, we shook hands, and the interview was a breeze. I have never felt so comfortable in an interview. I didn't feel the awkward need to prove myself to her, or try and force answers to questions that I simply couldn't answer. There weren't really a lot of questions.

She told me about the job, the dress code, the pay, the benefits. She told me more than I've ever been told in an interview.

Now, I do have to say I wasn't sure what to wear. I googled "what to wear when you interview at Starbucks." I know. In the article I read it gave tips on what to ask when they say, "Do you have any questions for me?" I NEVER do. I'm always like, "Mmmm, nope." But, I asked a couple that the article suggested, like about the dress code and how she got into the company.

It was really great. At one point, I realized that we had been talking a long time, and she didn't seem to be giving me signals that she wanted to end this interview now, or anything. The whole thing lasted about 45 minutes. Longer than any other interview I've done, ever.

And, it ended with the words that I could not believe I was hearing.

I don't want to say it was EXACTLY this, but it really was, essentially, "I don't normally do this, I usually wait a few days to call, but I would like to offer you the position."

WHAT? Nuh-uh. WHAT? I was shocked. I was completely blown away. Obviously, in a more retrained manner, I said HECK YES I WILL TAKE THE POSITION. I could not stop smiling. I could not stop thanking her. She said that she's had experiences when she really likes someone, and she'll call them but they don't call back. So, she pretty much is starting to just offer the job when she likes someone. SHE LIKES ME. SHE WANTS ME TO WORK FOR HER. DJFKJFLKSJFDIOARJDOPJG.

I did tell her that if she had called me instead, I would have most definitely called her back.

We shook hands, I went to the car, told dad that I got the job, and we both started crying.

It's really exciting. It's beyond really exciting.

And now, I'm really, really sleepy.

But, I mean, this is so validating. It validates my faith, it validates my not wanting to go get just any job, it validates applying six freaking times to a company that kept rejecting me. It validates those three failed interviews. It validates my decision to stay home instead of going to Tennessee or Colorado. It makes me believe that maybe my dream of having my own coffee shop one day isn't strictly a dream. It means that I'm not crazy when I know (and have known!) that all I've wanted to do is make coffee for people.

I remember being at the Prison one day, not long after I had gotten home from college. The man who was volunteering with dad asked me, "So, what do you want to do with yourself?" I said that I wanted to make coffee for people. I don't remember the exact words he said to me, but the message was, "Well, that's nice, but what do you REALLY want to do?"

For a long time I felt like maybe I should want something more than "just" to be a barista. Then, one day I was browsing the coffee internets, and I discovered the Barista Guild of America. And, the Specialty Coffee Association of America. I realized - we all have our own passion. It doesn't matter what it is.

Each individual passion that people pursue is what makes the world go round. Not me getting a "proper career." My goal with finding a job was to do what I loved. I didn't want to be stuck with a job I hated. I love coffee. I want to learn everything I can about it. I want to be the best that I can possibly be in the coffee world.

And, I became confident about my passion. Getting this job is IT for me. Aside from having my own place, this is my dream gig. There is nothing bigger or better than this for me.

God gives us the desires of our hearts. We walk through doors that we think are open, we take steps of faith, even if we're not sure it's really His will, and He eventually leads us to what He wants for us. It takes time, and sometimes is incredibly hard, but He really does want the best for us. He gives us the desires of our heart.

And, I told the Lord that I wanted His desire for me to be MY desire for me. If I was wrong about wanting to be in the coffee world, then I wanted Him to change my mind. I was open to that. But, I also told Him that I needed a job. I was really straightforward about that two weeks ago.

So, here I am, home from Arizona for a week, and employed. At my dream job. God rewards obedience. Going to Arizona was being obedient. In the back of my mind, I knew that if I didn't go I was just going to make things harder for myself. I knew that God had something waiting for me at the end of that finish line.

He is good. You can trust Him. Just obey, and wait. It's okay to wait for the best - in work or anything. Be obedient in the things that He gives you to do along the way, and then He will give you the desires of your heart.

Still can't believe it.