A different determination.

Something is on my mind. It's my ability to inadvertently make things awkward. I never intend to, no one really does, but I always manage to be just weird enough that suddenly, something that was fun and enjoyable has become just awkward enough to be noticeable.

Maybe that's me reading too much into things, because I freely admit that I do do that. But I dunno. This week in particular I have too frequently regressed to my quirky immature state that I always regret at the end of the day, though it's fun in the moment. Maybe it's because I'm getting comfortable, maybe it's because different personalities bring out different parts of my personality. Maybe both. Probably both.

Either way, I would appreciate it if I had a better handle on my own personality and didn't let myself regress when I'm in the presence of certain others, and when I'm emotionally in the midst of ridiculous things. I also with I had a better handle on my imagination, which is linked to my emotions, which aren't actually a problem right now, in a negative way, but they're a hassle. They're in the way.

Thus ends my personal psychoanalysis. But the moral of the story, and the reason for my title is that I really do want to try and become more grounded as an individual. It's important to me. "Especially since I'm single and stuff."

*shrug*

Moving on to recent events. There isn't very much going on these days. Most of my days are spend at work, which I still very much enjoy. I still love my co-workers, and if anything, I have been hit with the reality of customers. Humans are awful, and serving rude people is awful. It's life, but I'm just letting you know.

Today I learned how to set up the store with the different promotional seasons. I did it with Jackie, and it went by pretty quickly. It almost filled up the eight hours we were allotted for it, but we finished about two hours early. It was a nice time. fun seeing new products, and making everything look good. I'll have to take a picture of the coffee sign I drew. I restarted it about four times. "It" being the little chalkboard sign sitting in the basket of Pike coffee beans. It says which beans they are, and how much they are, but what I decided to venture for was the draw the image of Pike's Place that's on the bag. The Siren's Eye showed the sign with the image on each of the coffee bags on the signs, and I wanted to try. It took a lot of re-do's, but I'm pretty pleased with the final result.

Some day, eventually, I suppose, I'll be doing it on my own, which is neat. It's a fun diversion from the regular day.

It is SO hot right now. It's supposed to be in the 90s all week. And it's humid. Bleeehhhhh. However, on the plus side, I just heard some thunder, so maybe it's rain. That'll be nice.

Oh! I've also been recently reminded of a band that I used to love, called The Classic Crime. I had only heard one of their albums, from years ago, but they came on my Spotify radio sometime last week, and I was like, "Hey! I still like them!" So, I'm listening to them. They're the kind of band that I'm willing to invest money in. I'm really choosy when it comes to music that I buy. Like, I'll pretty much listen to anything within a little reason these days, but I don't but a lot of stuff. It has to be stuff that I connect to.

The funny thing.

You ever have those things in your head that you want to express, and would express despite what people may think if you had the guts - but can't? I'm like that with certain things. Mostly silly things that don't carry any weight to them. But I can't write them down. Writing/journaling/blogging is probably my best means of communication. My thoughts just come out more clearly, and more honestly this way. However, there are somethings that I subconsciously refuse to express on paper or on here because I will simply feel too ridiculous. Even in a completely private journal. I don't know what it is about human nature that we are able to be embarrassed by our own secret honesty. It's nothing bad. It's nothing incriminating. It's just...silly.. To me.

Live life in denial. That's my motto. (Well. About certain things. Not everything. Just the things that make we exceedingly vulnerable.)

"We are our choices." - Jean-Paul Sartre

I like to google quotes about whatever topic I plan on discussing. I usually take them at face value, because I appreciate what is said, though I don't know what context it's in.

I don't know much about Sartre - nothing, really. His name is familiar, but that's about it. So, considering that he's a "existentialist philosopher, playwright, novelist, screenwriter, political activist, biographer, and literary critic." Chances are good that I don't align myself with much, if any, of his belief system. But like I said - I don't really know much about him.

I say all that to avoid being chewed out about using a quote from a secular man.

But let's be honest. It's true that the choices we make give people insight into who we are. I don't think that we ARE our choices, per se, because sometimes choices are honest mistakes, and don't necessarily reflect who we truly are.

I say all this to let you know that Choosing Life over Pancakes in still 100% relevant in my life. However, the definition has shifted a bit. It's not so much about choosing LIFE as in, "living life to the fullest," but more choosing LIFE as in righteousness and godliness. Understanding what I believe and making the choice to incorporate my relationship with God into my life every day. I fail drastically. I choose Pancakes all the time when it comes to my walk with the Lord, and when it comes to being Christ-like.

I know it's all a process, but it's a matter of discipline. (Insert "real life" examples such as health, doing well at work, etc.)

Growing closer to the Lord isn't about success and feeling like I'm "doing such a great job" at being a Christian. It's not about how I'm seen as a believer, but about the integrity of my relationship with the Lord. It's like integrity in real life. If you're the same behind closed doors as you are in public, then you have nothing to worry about. The same thing for our walk with the Lord. If I actually have a strong walk with Him, and actually spend time with Him, and actually spend time in prayer, I won't need to act like I've got it all together as Christian. That will just manifest itself.

I fail. Every day I fall short of who I think I should be and who I want to be in Christ. I fall so short, and so hard. I know that God is faithful with new mercies, but I do not want to take them for granted. I need to stay humble.

That's the word from God about this season of my life. Stay humble. Remember who I really am, and who He really is, and walk in humility. Don't take anything for granted.

The end.

I used to, but not anymore.

Had an interesting confrontation with myself, today. Nothing new, really, just one of those moments when you look at yourself now, and your look at yourself four years ago, consider how you would have done something then as opposed to now, and either shudder or sigh relief at what you've become.

Four years was pretty specific, wasn't it? Anyway. That number will just keep getting bigger, and soon four years will be ten years ago, and I'll be happily married. Or whatever.

Today's case was a sigh of relief. I told my mom yesterday, "I think that [this situation] is the most rational I've had in my entire life."

Because I'm not even treating it like a situation. It's just life. I have the tendency to read into things, and over think things into what they aren't, and never have been.  It's just how I am, and usually (as is true for most, I'm sure,) it never has the best outcomes.

However, now, in the case of say, giving my opinion on something that I actually have very strong opinions about, I no longer give my opinion as law. In the past, I would give "advice" or my "opinion", but with the expectation that whoever I was talking to was going to take it and make it a part of their moral code. I also was more generous with giving my opinion when it wasn't necessarily asked for.

I don't do that anymore. I used to, but not anymore. Unless it's an open conversation where everyone is giving an opinion. That's not weird.

So I used to do that. Now, I've learned the importance of individuality I have accepted that though my personal convictions are right to me, because of where I am in life, because of the lessons I've learned, because of my worldview, I have every right to them. However, though I have the right to express them to others, I don't have the right to force them on people.

Well, I do, technically. It's just not nice. No one likes to be told what to do, unless they're in the mood to learn, and listen.

This is starting to not make sense.

The moral of the story is, I think that casual friends can turn into lovers, but emotionally invested friends cannot. It doesn't give you a chance to find common ground and get along and have fun...you're just both emotional.

Trust me, this makes sense, okay?

My thoughts...when I write them out an omit specifics, it just makes it a train wreck for the general public. Sorry :P Because in my head, I know all the missing links.

Oh well. Stinks to be you.