November 25, 2012

I don't mind Buble, but I still don't want him on my Sinatra station.

Well! Hello, readers :) Awww, isn't that precious? I just called you readers. It's like I'm really a blogger. Well, I am really a blogger, but you know what I mean. As much as the dramatist would love for my blog to become something that tons of people come and read, it probably won't because I'm not really a big deal. Maybe when I have my coffee shop :)

Anyway, a lot has been going on. Inside my head, and in life, and I haven't blogged in a while, so I figured before I start writing too many long Facebook statuses about all my thoughts, I should just blog :)

I hope you all had a lovely Thanksgiving. I know I certainly did. It was absolutely my favorite Thanksgiving. It was the first one in four years that I've had with my entire family. It was stress-free, it was fun, and the food was delicious. I love that Auntie Jill and Kate can be here for both Thanksgiving and Christmas, instead of one or the other (although getting Christmas packages in the mail IS very fun.)

Here's a picture of me and my family. My cousins, Beth and Allison, started a photography business and they posed us all really nicely. We all look great!

SO. Thanksgiving was a winner. Loved it. I'm looking forward to Christmas.

The next topic that has been on my mind is running. I've begun to cross the threshold of running a consistent three miles. I went out...two days ago. I left at 3 pm, and figured that I'd be out for probably 45 minutes. I didn't decide to shoot for three miles until I started my run, and as I finished, I figured I should head back to get my water bottle before my workout at 4. I walk in, check the clock, and it says that it's 3:30! What the what?? I ran three miles in thirty minutes! I am still amazed with myself.

Seriously, I was never, ever a runner. I never thought that I would be. I thought that I would just walk, always. But I always WANTED to be a runner. I was just too embarrassed to let people hear my huffing and puffing, and I thought that would all be judging me for being a fat kid trying to run.

I don't know when my mindset changed, but I came to the point where I figured, "This is where I'm at with my fitness. I can get better, the more I do it. I am who I am, and I can't hide it. I can only change it, and if I listen to music, I can tune out the world and my thoughts about the word." When I first started, I could only run about half a mile, and then walk the rest. Then I could barely do a mile. Then I could do 1.5 and then two. And then I could really do 2 miles. When I started, I still thought about what people thought of me, but now I just go. This last time I went, my iPod was dead, so I ran without music. One lady who was walking, smiled at me and said, "Good job!" It was odd, but really nice at the same time.

I love knowing that I can do this. I love that I don't care what people think anymore. I love that I'm not as consumed with my image as I have been for YEARS. I mean, journals. I went through a bunch of old journals yesterday. My journal from high school, all I talked about, literally, was boys and losing weight, and wanting to become really good at straightening my hair. I hated myself. I had such terrible self-image.

In my college journals, all I talked about was making health/fitness plans and goals, and figuring out who my future husband was. Only I wrote prayers to God about it all, thinking that by doing that, it would make some miracle happen and I'd become skinny right away, and fall in love right away.

(For kicks, my journal from when I was 9-14ish, all I wrote about was hot celebrities and the boy I had a huge crush on from church, and concerts. HA. It was hilarious.)

I'm so, so, thankful that I'm not that way, anymore. I'm the same girl, but with a much healthier attitude about it all. I still want to lose weight, but not so I can attract some guy. I want to just live a healthy lifestyle. It's not even a matter of feeling comfortable in my own skin. I am! Finally, for the first time in my life!

I still want to get married, but words can't even describe how NOT like my old self I am, now. I don't even know how to describe it. If you knew me at all, you'll just have to trust me. Sometimes it seems like I'm still the same, but I'm really not. If anything, I'm usually joking around and playing the desperate game.

It's like Pastor Teresa told us last year. It was the "Year of Freedom," and she said that freedom wasn't just there, but it's the rest of the year. It goes beyond just the class of 2011. Maybe that's what's happening, if I can be allowed to sound weirdly spiritual. That I'm just becoming free from my "bondage of insecurity." It's nice, because I don't know how free I really felt at the end of my third year. I think I might have hyped myself into it. I don't know, anymore. I hardly remember anything :P That's a lie. I remember a lot.

Well. Let's see. I know I've been talking about myself a lot, but's my blog. That's kind of the point.

I'm excited for Christmastime for the first time in a long time. My Aunt Jill puts up a Christmas Village every year, and this year, she's given me some things to start my own - I'm really excited about putting it up. I love designing things and creating stuff like that :)

I'm also looking forward to snow. Didn't care last year, but this year I'm happy about it. I blame Evan, the bank teller. Every time I go cash a check, he and I talk about how cold it's getting, and he says how he is totally ready for winter and snow. I think I've been swayed by his passion for being cold, haha.

Hmmm. I think that's about it. I feel good, these days. I feel hopeful, in spite of life, and times when things are more than just challenging. I don't hate my life, anymore. I don't hate living in my house. I'm content. I'm trusting the Lord again.

It's really nice.

November 15, 2012

__ ___________

Rude. Very disrespectful. The biggest fake I know. Prejudiced. Obnoxious. Egotistical. Not Christ-like. Two-faced.

That's __ ___________.

November 11, 2012

This post is titled.

Okay, look. I think it might be official. It's hard for me to be declarative because I'm dubious of really wonderful things, however, this...I don't know how long I can stay dubious for.

I think I found a church. To attend, every week. It's an Assemblies of God church, which is surprising to me because I had, until this point, written off the AG as a bunch of weirdies who have tried too hard to become modern and got soft as a result.

That is not true for this church. It's unreal. It's unlike any other church I've been to in New England. I don't feel judged, and I don't find myself judging anyone...mainly because I don't feel judged. I feel comfortable worshiping the Lord. I raise my hands in worship, and I pray in tongues. What? I mean, freely. Like, it feels right to do it. I don't feel like I have to make myself do it so that I can convince myself I'm spiritual. It just happens.

I don't even know. The Word from the Pastor is solid, he doesn't seem to make the truth easier to swallow. He says it like it is, but with love. It's completely different. People think that watering things down is just being's not.

Like I said, I may be building them up too much because it's hardly possible for a church so great to exist, but I'm almost willing to let myself believe it.

I have walls up about church. Which is weird, because I'm a Christian. But it's not out of the ordinary, because I'm a Christian.

Anyway. I really love my church. It's only been three services, but I'm pretty sure this will last for a while. I hope so, anyway. I mean, worship isn't a show...or completely dead and lacking in the Spirit.

The Holy Spirit makes all the difference, guys. All the difference.

In other news, there isn't much to say. I love Anberlin. They're going to be in Connecticut this month. I really want to go. I invited a couple people, but no luck. I REALLY want to see them, guys. Please, someone. Anyone. Come with me, okay? They even have a song called Someone, Anyone. It's a sign.

November 10, 2012


I'm wearing a pair. Willingly. I have no idea who I am anymore.

In other news, I am honestly, doing quite well, and it surprises even me. I have more self confidence than ever, which leads to me doing brave and daring things that I would only think about doing in the past. Never would I ever actually go through with them. I'm shocked, really.

I started volunteering at my local library this week. They're in the middle of re-barcoding all the books in the Library. I was there for two hours, and got a lot done, which made me happy. I also went in to the prison with my dad, and got a lot done. I really do get a lot of satisfaction out of being productive for others.

The New Brothers Volunteer Appreciation Dinner was last night, also a good time.

Hmm. It was a nice week. Busy, long...did all my laundry, WHAT. I really don't have much else to  say, though.

November 3, 2012


Well, this past week has been, in a couple words, quite fantastic! It hasn't been easy, but it hasn't been like a "regular" week. I've gotten pretty upset a few times, but I haven't been waking up mad every day. I've come to a much more realistic state of mind...about a lot of things.

Concerning my general life, I've accepted the fact that it's my time to stay home and help my mom with Grandma. No matter how many applications I put out, I'm simply not going to get a "real job" any time soon. Or ever, possibly. The Lord has opened the door to weekly provision that, when used the right way, will fill my car with gas, pay off my monthly phone bill, HAS paid off my Mt. Zion debt (YAY!!!!) will help pay for car insurance, and once in a while, leave money leftover for random fun things. Oh, also Christmas gifts. I can't wait to start Christmas shopping!) And that dumb doctor's bill from when I had MRSA over internship...anyway. I digress.

When I really thought about it, I realized that the Lord HAD made provision for my NEEDS. Not my wants. The Bible says that He does. "But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus" Philippians 4:19. Where I had fallen was thinking, nay, insisting, that my wants qualified as needs. And I was mad at God for holding me back, keeping me stuck in this house while life passed me by.

But it's not. I'm in it, moving along with it, and He has provided for my needs.

I also found myself open to volunteering again. I used to be really into it, and then I got back from college and was like, "Gotta make mad monies, yo." And that consumed me. But again, what does the Bible say?

"Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Matthew 6:31-34

So, what I'm trying to say is, I let myself believe the Enemy, and was living contrary to the Word of God. Intentionally, and unintentionally.

Volunteering. Once I became settled into the fact that my job is to stay home and help my mom, I was like, "Well, I still have a lot of free time, so...I should do stuff." The idea popped into my head when I was thinking about how culturally lacking I am - so I was checking out the MFA site, and saw that they take volunteers...looked into it with a few museums, and then was like, "Hey! What about the Library?" So I checked it out yesterday, and I'm in. I'll be going in on Monday evenings.

I'm also going to go back into the prison with dad to help him with office stuff, on Tuesdays. I used to have mixed (okay, maybe more like negative) feelings about this because I felt like every time my mom told me to go in, I thought she was pushing me into doing ministry stuff. And it ticked me off. But..I don't see it that way, anymore.

I also do some babysitting for a homeschool group that meets at my old church. Monday mornings, and it's a nice little bit of extra income. I have some potty-trainers, which is a little nerve-wracking, but oh well.

And then, of course, there is still the gym. I love the gym. Billy is so great. I mean, talk about provision - I STILL get to work out three times a week, for free, in exchange for like, five hours of work a week. That's at most. It still amazes me. If the Lord hadn't opened that door, my health would...not be what it is today. No way. I don't want to think about what would haven happened to my body if I hadn't walked in that day and asked about doing a trade off.

Seriously though, my attitude about my health has radically changed over the past few months. I used to feel weird at the gym and judge myself against how others were fast they lost weight, etc...I would only walk outside because I was insecure. I'm not, anymore. If I'm not losing weight quickly, I know it's on me, and I make changes. I am my own person, and what other people do doesn't define me. I freaking go running, now. I NEVER in a million years thought I'd go running. Outside. During the day. Ask anyone. And I love it! I'm not really fast, and I usually can only go two miles, but I DON'T CARE. I don't give up on myself anymore, and I know I'm going to get better!

I'm busy, and I didn't notice or care, because I was convinced that I was in the wrong place. But now I know otherwise. I'm in the right place, and to quote Jim Elliot, my hero:

"Wherever you are, be all there. Live to the Hilt of every situation you believe to be the will of God."

Not to say that I don't fail miserably. Not to say I do it all right, now. I don't. But it's okay.

I'm hoping that I'll be able to get back into school, soon. I want to get my Biblical Studies degree out of the way. I also have discovered that social psychology is my niche. I have a Psycho book from high school, and I started reading that chapter yesterday. It's EXACTLY what I talk about when I say I want to study Psychology. Love it. I want to do a lot, really, when it comes to school. I won't go off on it all now, but...know that I really want to get back into school.

Ahhh. That's all. I know it was long, but it was so positive, right? Super duper.