Well, it's been almost six-ish months since I've started this blog about living life and choosing to live over eating nothing but pancakes everyday.
So far, I have not done very well. Yes, I've done some short trips here and there, which have been great, don't get me wrong. But as for me, myself, I have not been really choosing life over pancakes.
Firstly, it looks like I've been eating only pancakes every day because I've gained weight. Which is consistently discouraging because I've been working out pretty faithfully and trying to eat well. It's hard for me to become disciplined with multiple things at once, and food is just to be disciplined with for whatever reason. I know it's not THAT hard. Anyway, failure number one.
Secondly, I still haven't gotten my license yet which is straight up irritating. I'm starting to get the hang of calling the DMV every day to see if there's a test available, but...there hasn't been for months. Maybe by calling every day I'll manage to find something? MAYBE. Failure number two.
Thirdly, in taking these trips - Graduation, Hannah's wedding - AND by just practically spending money willy nilly, I have neglected my school debt. I'm close to finishing, and hopefully, now that I'm done with travel for a while, I'll be able to try and pay this off.
Fourthly, my walk with the Lord is very stale. That pretty much says it all and it pretty much the reason my life stinks.But I do still desire His will, and I know that He will be faithful to do His work in me. But we have to be faithful to Him, too. He does the work of changing us, but we have to love Him and honor Him. The only way we can do that effectively is if we walk with Him. If we stop walking, His work is hindered. I don't want that.
With all this negativity, I do want to say that I'm not sitting in a funk. As discouraged as I get, I'm still trying to go forward, little by little every day. I don't want to be a hypocrite to my spoken desires and goals. I'm still trying to reach them. I'm still trying to figure out how to do things. And it'll be okay in the end.
May 5, 2012
I've started writing in my journal a bit more this past week. I was doing this in Starbucks the other night, and I realized, as I wrote down meaningless things about my potential future life...planning a trip with my best friend, wanting to make coffee for a living...surprisingly, nothing about wanting to be married (I like these seasons of feeling like an empowered single woman. I think I have about 2% of a femenist in me.Not the entirety of the movement, but some.)
Anyhow, I realized how little I talk to people. I mean, I journaled about three full pages of...nothing significant.
Oy. But I guess there's a part of me that enjoys being quiet and on my own. For now, anyway. Because I do like to be with people. I like to chat. I never thought of it before, but this could just be a season. I'm still trying to figure myself and my life out. Yeah, yeah. I can never completely do that but there does come a point where we feel confident in ourselves and our ambitions and can be more at ease in our own skin.
There are different levels of confidence that I believe we all need to and are working through. Self image, like and dislikes, ambitions, goals...It's a process that is never fully completed, but also one that...Let me think. One that we level up on so we can move forward strong for a bit, until we need to grow more.
Maybe I'm making excuses for myself. In part. Whatever. Don't care.