December 28, 2013

A year ago, December 31st.

My grandma passed away last year on New Year's Eve. It was that morning, my aunts were here through the night. I almost slept through the knocking on my door, but knew that it was an important knock, one that I shouldn't ignore. I got up, the house was probably chilly - my room is always freezing in the winter. There we all were, in the living room, standing around her bed, watching her sleep. We see her last breath together; my aunts, our close family friend, my parents and me. I don't remember a lot that happened in the immediate moments after my grandma peacefully entered to her eternal reward, but I do remember seeing my father weeping by her bookshelves. My mom stroking her head. My aunt holding her hand. We were all in a state of numbness, I think. In a way, while one weight - grandma's pain and suffering - was lifted, and another one, her absence, took its place.

I remember sitting on the couch with my aunt, trying to be whatever comfort I could - it was harder for my mom and her sisters than it was for me. I cried, mostly from awe that my grandma was no longer in pain, that she was finally with her Lord whom she loved and praised until she couldn't speak anymore.
This is challenging to write, but it's on my mind.
I think about the person hat I was a year ago. I was depressed, angry, resentful, straight-up unhappy. It was a very hard season, Christmastime 2012. Lots of stress. Lots of pain. Lots of emotions. Not a lot of joy. Not a lot of peace.

I'm thankful that it's not like that this year. There have been challenges this season, but nothing to compare. I'm not the same person that I was, and I'm so thankful. No one wants to know angry and depressed Hannah. She's a lousy human being.

The healing still isn't done. I don't know about everyone else but I can't stand to be in hospitals or nursing homes. Dealing with diseases like dementia and Alzheimer's fill me with almost paralyzingly fear and discomfort. Certain things that remind me of her make me really emotional...she loved reading a book about the book of Revelation in the Bible. My aunt has it now, and I saw it on her shelves a few months ago. I pulled it out and there were still neatly folded tissues where my grandma had stopped reading and meant to pick up again. I think there was even one of her blue ballpoint pens.. I had to put it away or else I would have started crying.

I'm not sure how it's going to be once New Year's Eve comes. I'm hoping not too bad, but I don't know. It has been a long, full year but this.. As it draws closer it feels like it just happened. I hope we all experience the healing we need. Despite the joy of knowing that Grandma is at peace, there is still sadness. You can sense it

December 17, 2013

Twists, turns, and changes.

The end of 2013 is showing to be really....weird. It's been a good year, you know that. But the end of this year is feeling very flustered. It feels like I had a hand of cards, and I just decided to throw the cards in the air, just watching them float down wherever they would feel to land. I somehow feel emotionally uprooted from things that I used to care about, I feel like I'm being too open about certain things, I feel like I'm a liar. Things just seem amok, you know?

I feel like I'm ready for certain things, and yet I feel like I'll never be ready. I feel like I'm okay with myself, and then I feel like I'm no where near good enough for anyone that I want to accept me. I miss my friends, I wish it was easier to see them all on a regular basis.

I like my job, but I want to be better. I like my co-workers, but I want to be kinder. Not that I'm not a nice person, but I feel like I should be a kinder human being. I have the tendency to be kind of brash and sarcastic, and jokes have their place, but geez. Sometimes I feel a little out of control.

I love the Lord, and I want to honor Him, but I'm doing nothing to act on that. I don't always honor Him with my words or actions. I don't serve Him the way that I should. I go to church, but anyone can do that. It's important, and I think it's beneficial for me as a person, but it doesn't make my walk with God grow. I don't read the Bible, really ever. A few weeks ago, around Thanksgiving time, a friend was home for the holiday, and we were catching up after church, and he asked me: "What are you reading in your quiet time?" I had nothing to say. I don't get asked that, ever. Not by my peers. I told him that I don't really have quiet time these days. He was kind enough to shrug it off as "understanding that it's hard to find time," which is true to a point, but I mean..I would make time to go to the gym when I had a car? But I can't make time to read the Bible or some inspirational book when I'm home? Like now, instead of blogging?

And then last night, a woman from my church, the mother of said friend, asked if I came in to the facility. I felt ashamed as I said, "Not as often as I should." I love being there. There's no reason for me to not try and make an effort to go.

I don't know. I'm having some kind of identity crisis that I don't really understand, but at the same time I understand very well. I think a part of it comes from not wanting people to be surprised or proud of me when I do spiritual things like pray or read my Bible. It's stuff that I should be doing, you don't have to tell me you're proud of me, like I'm a child.

I guess we never really figure it all out at one time in our life. Lessons come and go. In the meantime, I'm writing a bunch of unsolicited emails that are way too transparent, I feel, at least. I'm afraid I'm going to freak this person out and never see them again. Oh well. Risks must be taken, amiright? Especially when you believe in them.

December 7, 2013


WHAT IS UP WITH MEN?  I need a husband so that men will go away. I'm so bored with friendships with men. Like, I don't mind being a friendly aquaintence or anything, but seriously? I want to get to know one man really well, and then hang out and talk to him until one of us dies. Not just any man willy-nilly that isn't going to marry me. It's stupid, it's a waste of time. bleh. I'll be in book clubs with men, I'll have casual, nondescript chit chat with men on the weekends at work, I'll have fun working with men, but I DON'T WANT TO SEE INTO OTHER MEN'S SOULS. I JUST WANT TO SEE INTO ONE, AND HAVE HIM SEE INTO MINE AND THAT'S IT.