December 31, 2014

2015 sounds weird.

Somehow, 2015 is the year that my brain didn't really think ahead to. 2014...okay, sure. That'll be a thing. 2015 is just kinda weird. Like a "Oh yeah, by the way," sort of reminder that life goes on, and January comes around again every 365 days.

It's been a really good year. Mostly good, with new experiences, and also some introductions to my dark corners. We'll see how that goes.

I didn't think that by the end of this year, I would not be working for Starbucks. Nor did I think that I would have another job lined up. I was pretty sure that I'd still be unemployed by the time January was done. I didn't think that I would be in the middle of the journey to opening my first coffee shop (a journey that has been put on hold simply because even though I'm not really doing anything for the holidays, I'm broke and busy.)

This month alone has been sort of a whirlwind. It doesn't feel like tomorrow is January. It still feels like there's two weeks left of the month. Not so.

I wrote a list of goals for myself on Facebook. They are mostly inspired by the person that I was this year. I was consumed with work - literally consumed, and it drove me almost out of my mind. I hardly did anything to enrich my life, or the lives of others.

I want to be different in the new year. I want to love others. I love the people in my life a LOT. They mean the world to me, and I have expressed this generally, but not really personally. It feels good to hear someone tell you how much you mean to them sometimes...and specifically you. Not just that in this crowd of people someone knows, all of them mean something to them. That's nice, but ya know.

I need to give of myself more, for no gain. I used to volunteer a lot. I was raised to be a volunteer. My parents are in ministry - that's basically full-time volunteer work. Things need to get done, and people are needed to get stuff done. I want to be a part of that, and help more.

I need to be more creative. I had a conversation not too long ago with a friend from work, and I basically told him that I was afraid of being wrong when it came to being creative. Which, I said, is completely ridiculous because there aren't any wrong answers! I know this - but I don't act on it. I like to draw. I like to act. I like to write. Do I like writing stories? No..because I'm not good at it. So what? Who cares? I'm not trying to get published. I'm not trying to get on Broadway. I just want to enjoy my life.

I also want to read more - I have so many books. I am blessed with books, and yet I have barely read even a quarter of a fraction of them! There are classics sitting on my shelves, unread. It's a crime! And I keep buying books - what even am I doing?? I'm going to be drowned in books that I've never read. It's legitimately a crime. So, here's to hoping I can reed one book a week. It's not impossible, right?

-heavy sigh- A new year. I feel tired after this year. I'm usually pretty amped about fresh starts, and such, but this year...I just feel tired.  I hope next year is nice. I hope that long-held dreams come true. For me, and for others.

I hope that I grow closer to God this year. That I actively seek Him, and that it becomes second nature to me.

Happy New Year. Enjoy your celebrations. Be safe. Love one another. Look forward to the new year with hope and anticipation.

December 22, 2014

Stop being ridiculous.

Sometimes, I just want to walk up to men that I know and grab them by the shoulders, look them in the eye, and say "Stop it! I'm not trying to marry you! I'm not trying to be your girlfriend! I just want to laugh with you, and have a good time, and get to know you!"

I'm a flirtatious person. Sometimes I stop myself, but mostly, it just happens. My grandmother was flirtatious, and my mother understands my ways. And geez, flirting is fun. If you're a man, and we get along, I have probably flirted with you. Chances are good that you have flirted back, and guess what? That's called chemistry. You know what it's NOT called? Love. You know what it's not called? Life-long commitment. It's called chemistry. Flirting is a chemical reaction. It's science, to be honest.

And as far as I'm concerned, as long as no one is seducing the other into inappropriate behavior, then all is well. Don't misunderstand me, and give me the cold shoulder if you think I'm interested. I'm not going to ask you to be my significant other. I don't roll that way. I would prefer for a man to initiate a romantic relationship with me, not me to him.

Even if I was interested, would that be a problem? You were able to be my friend 24 hours ago - have I suddenly become repulsive? Give me the benefit of the doubt, and just live your life. I'm a cool person, and I know a lot of cool people. It's okay for men and women to get along, and talk, and joke, and flirt. It's human nature.

And you don't know what the future holds. Maybe that person your have fun flirting with IS you're soul mate, and you're missing out because you're being weird and not just reacting to the chemistry between you and the other person.

People take finding a mate so gosh-darn seriously that that's all they are looking for. "Oh, oops, flirted with that girl but I don't want to marry her, I can never look at her or talk to her again." STOP IT. You're missing out on what could be a good, stable relationship - FRIENDSHIP - with another human being.

Don't be stupid. We're all so busy being stupid that we miss out on being people together. We all have something to offer another person, and sometimes we won't realize that until we break the ice with them, and sometimes joking around or being flirtatious breaks the ice. Flirting doesn't equal sex.


December 14, 2014

I'm happy for me, too.

I was inspired to watch "Eat, Pray, Love," again today, after an online encounter that was a stabbing reminder of loss. It was with good intention, sure, but unfortunately, we don't always react to people's good intentions the way they want us to. Or the way we think that they want us to.

So I'm cleaning my room, drinking some coffee, and getting inspired again. This is my last week of work, I have very little money, some upcoming doctors bills, and a very big dream that is on it's way to coming true. Thankfully, I have a God who is bigger than my dreams, my bills, or my bank account.  It's sort of like I'm being thrust into trusting Him again, except it's a happy situation, so it's not as stressful? It's just intimidating.

I haven't heard from PI Coffee Roasters yet, but I don't think that it's wrong to follow up. I have a feeling the owner is the kind of person who would appreciate that. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow.

I'm partnering with Stumptown Coffee Roasters for my coffee shop. This is absolutely thrilling - I've admired them for a long time, and have only had their coffee once. However, their reputation precedes them, and is enough for me. I can buy any equipment that I need from them, they will provide training and maintenance. I'm going to go to New York to be professionally trained on how to PROPERLY brew coffee, manually. The representative that I spoke to said I could train on making pour overs for six hours if I wanted to. My reply: "THAT'S AMAZING!!"

Pottery is going well. I haven't been able to take advantage of the open studio hours, but the owner said that I can come in other days of the week to use up my clay. I want to make mugs.

My manager got fired this week. That's probably the biggest news, after me putting in my two weeks notice two days before it happened. This is big. I'm still pinching myself about it. And since she got fired, the atmosphere of our store is already beginning to change. People seem more relaxed, there has been more honesty, and I hope - chances for healing. My crew has been through a lot. They have been abused, and mistreated by their boss, and their company. I hope that this new year is sweet for them. That the new people learn quickly, and that everyone can be up to speed with each other, and support each other, and enjoy the job, despite the usual stresses. I hope that if anything happens again like what we have gone through this year, things will be handled differently.

I miss my girlfriends. I love my cat. I like simple black, and grey clothes, and the color yellow. I have had an amazing year, and I am an amazing person who has a lot to offer, but sometimes doesn't believe it. That makes me human, and thank goodness, because anything more or less would be too much of a burden. Humanity is hard enough.

A new year is approaching. If you have read my blog at all, you know that there is little I love more than blank slates, and new chapters. 2014 - I knew it was going to be big. And it was. It isn't even over yet - who knows what the rest of this year has in store? I can't even fathom what 2015 will hold.