I can't help falling in love - Part Two

Let me backtrack a little. When I was about 12 years old, I decided that I wasn't going to date. I was going to wait until God brought the perfect man into my path, and then we would court, and we would get married. I was steadfast with this conviction for years, until I got to college. At the time, I was liking a guy back home who seemed really great, I convinced myself that the Lord had told me he was the one, and I was waiting for him...without there having been any communication between us, because God was going to just tell him that I was the One, duh.

Then enter Zack, that guy I've written about, and bemoaned for eons. He was the closest thing to a soulmate that I had ever encountered. We knew each others thoughts, we were best friends, we manipulated each other by not being straight forward, I was there for him at any moment that he needed me to be his listening ear...we liked each other. He told me that he could see us working out really well together. He told me to pray about it.

You can see where this is going, right? You are also in the future with me, right? From the summer of 2009, to the summer of 2013, Zack was IT. I was willing to go through anything, I believed and never doubted for a second that he was THE ONE. Who cares that I couldn't understand what was right in front of me? Who cares that even though I knew his desire to "be best friends with the same emotionally intimate relationship we had before," AS WELL as have a steady girlfriend was unhealthy. I would win that battle. We were made for each other. He would see.

Lol, Hannah. Lol. No, that culminated in a heartbreaking phone call the Monday before my birthday, where Zack cornered me about my feelings for him, and told me that he would never have romantic feelings for me. We were "too perfect for each other."

Okay. 

That's fine. I can deal with this. I'll deal with it by slowly letting myself get angry with God, and giving up on trusting Him for anything that I trusted Him for before. There was no perfect man. I had been believing God for a joke. Trusting God meant inviting pain into your life.

I didn't acknowledge the place I was really in until late last year/this year. 

I decided that it was better to trust myself - that way, I knew that I would be disappointed. I'm imperfect. No expectations there.

I just didn't care about anything, anymore. I had my first kiss this past January with someone who (is a fine person as a human being,) was completely wrong for me. We got along, but I knew nothing would come of it. It couldn't. He did drugs, and he didn't have any kind of walk with God, and so what if he had gentle smiles? But I had given up. I got tired of waiting. What's the point of waiting for something that doesn't exist? Something that I was never really promised in the first place? If you had asked me if I still wanted to wait to have sex before I was married, I probably would have said "I don't know. I'll have to be in the situation to find out."

I did everything right. I got heartbroken. God let me down. He saw what I had wanted, and let me down. So why bother, anymore?

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That was all pretty dark, I know. I'm not trying to throw these men under the bus, most of everything that happened to me was my fault, but there needs to be background for why I fell away from the Lord.

Finding the love of my life has been a huge part of my life. It's what I completely invested myself into believing for. Why? I don't know. Sometimes I wished that I could have just gotten into drugs or something. 

Anyway. Moving forward.

Tim was different. In ways that were important to me back when I was a little girl. Things about him existed on my "List" that I had given up on long ago. "Never had a girlfriend before," was one of them. Even my pastor's wife wished me luck with that one when I told her about it all those years ago.

And when I found out this little factoid about him, a voice in my head gently reminded me: "Remember when that was important to you?" Yeah, I do. Weird.

We have the ability to talk for hours. So much to the point where it's becoming a problem. But in the early days, this was pretty big for me. When we first talked on the phone, we talked for an hour and a half. I stuggle to talk to my best friends on the phone for an hour and a half, let alone a man I've never met. We skyped for two hours with ease, not realizing how much time had gone by - "Time flies when you're having fun," he had said. And then, the last phone call we had before he came up here lasted a grand total of three hours. Who even am I? I NEVER talk to ANYONE for three hours. Ever. EVER. This was different.

During that particular phone call, I found out that he too, was waiting until marriage. Heck, I gave up on finding anyone who was still willing to wait. No one does that at my age. They don't exist. If they do, they're secluded, and don't know how to pursue women. It's just true.

But here was someone..who did exist. The sigh of relief we both let out after finding out that we were both waiting was so heavy that you could use it for strength training.

We've both discussed how insane it is that we couldn't find anything wrong with each other before we met. He told me that he would try to ask questions that could potentially have a deal-breaking answer. I never gave one. The same is true for me. He could do no wrong.

The truly telling moment before we met also occurred during that 3-hour call.

Me: So, we know that you flying up from Florida is insane, right? It's super great, and fantastic but it's also crazy. And it's a really big deal. So, because it's such a big deal, my dad is probably going to have a conversation with you.

Him: Like a dad talk?

Me: Yeahh..

Him: Okay. ... Whatever I gotta do.

Me: -mind explodes-

Him: I could buy him a prop gun, and give it to him when I get there.

Me: You definitely should.

Who is okay with this? I mean, it turned out that my dad was going to pick him up from the airport, and he didn't shy from it. Who does this? WHO? TELL ME.

I mean, this guy is incredible. He's faced some pretty intimidating stuff since meeting me and my family, but he hasn't shied away from them. He just goes with it, and not because he's just trying to please anyone, but because he wants to. He thinks things through, and he has a mind of his own, and it's amazing.

Okay, okay. Sidetracked.

TIM COMES TO MASSACHUSETTS.  I hadn't felt nervous until the day he was going to arrive. 

This is what I instagrammed (so white. ugh.)

And before I knew it, he was here. I went outside to greet him, we hugged. He hugged my mom. I was crazy nervous. His ride with dad went well, they didn't have a very intense "dad talk," mostly because we didn't know if this would turn into a thing or not (however, before he came, I predicted that we would be a couple before he left.) But it went well, nonetheless. 

We went on to get some stuff from the grocery store together. He was all gentlemanly, and carried the grocery basket for me. He was quiet, and I was quiet, kind of. I told him I was nervous. He was really nice about it.

He had dinner with us that night, and then I brought him into Boston to stay with his friend for the first night. I hung around at the apartment with him  - alone! Scandalous! - and I basically asked him, "WHY ARE YOU HERE?!" He didn't know. He wanted to get to know me. I forced myself to believe him. We sat on the futon together for about an hour before I decided I should head home, and stop being a bad friend - Sam was spending the night, and we were all going to spend the day in Boston the next day.

We parted ways with a hug, and that was that.