I'm not. Well..technically, yes. I'm in bed. I'm not asleep. I should be asleep.
I cannot shut off my mind. Especially this week. There is so much in my head - processing, listing, considering, hoping, brushing off...
Work stresses me out these days.
A woman that I went to college with wrote me a couple years ago, after reading one of my blog posts. It was some sort of manic rant about the guy that I was so madly in love with (I need to come up with a good nickname for him, because obviously I'm never going to stop talking about him, AND I'm at the point of just using his name. Everyone knows who he is, anyway.)
She wrote me, suggesting that I see a counselor. That this was clearly something that was stressing me out, big time. I responded, basically saying that I was fine, thanks for the advice.
I know that counselors are good. Therapists, psychiatrists...I even want to be one. For some reason, though, maybe it's just simply the media, I feel like if I have to see a therapist, that means that everything has just gone too far, and I'm now completely incapable of having any sort of control. It somehow makes my weakness too much of a reality.
We're afraid of our weaknesses. It's the reality of ourselves that we really just can't face, but is our burden alone. We have other burdens, but they can be shouldered by other people. Losing a job, having a bad hair day...other people can help us fix these things. Our weaknesses, though? No. That's ours alone.
Is it? Between yesterday and today, I realized how bad this stuff at work was getting. That maybe I should see someone. Talk to someone. They couldn't give me answers, but at least I could talk it out. Right? That's how people end up getting answers, they talk it out, and the pieces connect in their head, right?
At first I was resigned to it. I didn't like it. It meant that I had reached my proverbial rock bottom. However, as the past twenty-four hours have unfolded, as I've considered seeing someone, something kept creeping into my mind.
"Wonderful counselor." Now, the verse separates those two words, Isaiah 9:6, but that phrase would come to mind, and then the verse would come to mind, and all I could think was, "Why, if Jesus Christ is the Counselor..if He can listen to me AND give me answers, why would I go to anyone else? It's like when the Bible says (I paraphrase), "Would a father give his son a stone when he asks for bread?" Me seeing someone is like me ASKING for a stone, when Christ is offering me bread, always. He is always there for me, and His wisdom, and peace are at my disposal, if only I would accept them. I don't even have to ask, because I'm a child of God, and those things are freely offered to me. I choose to take them or ignore them.
I hope that no one reads this, and thinks that I am saying counselors, and therapists are wrong. They aren't. They are people who listen, and are there for us when we feel like we can't trust anyone else. They do good, and I am in no way belittling their work.
For me, though...I have Christ. He knows my future, He sees what I'm doing, and He knows my heart and my mind. He loves me, and I wouldn't be where I am if there wasn't a purpose. There's purpose in all of this nonsense. There always is. I don't need to run off to get a cheap answer. I don't need to recount everything that's happened. He has seen it all. He knew of it before the beginning of time. I can trust Him. Starbucks might be big, and they might not be doing their job right, but God is greater than Starbucks, and He tells us in His word that His love does not fail us. He is perfect, and just. He brings justice where there is injustice. He moves us when it's time for us to be moved.
It's a battle to have peace, and have a good attitude, and to treat everyone with love, and respect. It's really hard right now. It won't be hard forever.