October 27, 2013

I thought I had something to say.

And then I over-thought myself out of it.

Here are just my thoughts. They might not make sense, because I am long-winded, and I tend to ramble. Feel free to leave and look at picture of cats in the internet. We'll see where this goes.

I love people. I think that people are fascinating, and I think that people have potential for greatness. I want everyone to be the greatest that they can be, I want people to have their dreams come true, I want everyone to understand exactly what's happening in their life. If I could take everyone's problems away, and replace it with happiness, I would. I mean, life is challenging. It's hard. We end up in places that we didn't expect, and that we wish we could escape. I want to help people escape. I want to have all the answers to all their questions.

But I guess that's where Christ comes in. I can't do any of the things that I want to, to help people. I mean, I can, to a point. They're imperfect efforts, but they're efforts, nonetheless. And the only reason, I think, that my efforts can ever make some kind of difference is because of Christ in me. He's the only reason I'm any kind of a good person, you know? If I didn't know that God has perfect love for me, all day, every day - when I screw up, when I gossip at work, when I curse under my breath, when I do things that do not reflect Him at all - I wouldn't be a nice person. I wouldn't be good. There would be no reason to be. But because I know that someone is always there, in my pleasures and in my pain, when I'm at my best or at my worst...I think that that subconsciously makes me try to be a good person.

I mean...how can you not want to be that person when you know that there's someone there rooting for you even when you fail? Who sees the end of your story, and because I'm in Christ, the end of my story is being perfect like Him.

When we give God the chance to become real to us, He takes it and makes Himself undeniable to us. I think that my moment when God became undeniable to me was back when I was in Bible college.

I liked a guy, in Bible college. I look back and believe that I loved him. There's really no other way to define what I felt for him. Anyway, in my final semester of college, I was so overwhelmed by my emotions on afternoon, that all I could do was walk around. Try to run away. Unfortunately, there's no easy way to get off campus, so all I could do was furiously wnader around the fields and try to find a place that I couold just scream and no one would hear. It was impossible. The fields were huge, and I was insecure that somehow my scream would be so loud that they would echo and everyone would hear me. This is probably not true, but who knows.

I had to run away. I couldn't take it. I was crying, and my head was pounding, and I was a mess. I stormed into my dorm, through the lounge to my room (which was thankfully on the same floor as the lounge - not far.) There were a couple girls sitting in there, who of course could see that something was wrong and one of them knocked on my door, which was sweet of her, to ask if I was okay. Obviously not. I don't think I yelled at her, but I was trying to not burst into maniacal sobs. I was the biggest wreck that I had been in the entire journey with these emotions.

She left me alone, and all I could do was lay on the floor. I couldn't support myself. I couldn't sit up, I couldn't curl up into a ball, I could just lay on the ground. Crying, gasping for breath, head pounding. I gave up. I couldn't do anything. I was helpless. And then, in the moment where I was at my absolute weakest, I felt, I swear it was tangible, arms wrap around me. A head rest on mine, a sense entering my heart telling me that it was okay to cry. People say that God feels our pains and our joys, even if they seem insignificant. I knew, in that moment, that God knew my pain. He was with me, holding me, and I knew He knew my pain. Not because God had been in the same situation exactly, but honestly, God's love for us exceeds our capacity to understand, and yet we treat it like it means nothing to us. How much must that hurt Him?

It makes me tear up, thinking about that moment on my floor, when God made Himself real to me. When I knew that He was with me in all of my highs and my lows, and that He was familiar in ways that I can't understand all of my pain and my joy.

I haven't had a moment like that since, but because of it, I have a really hard time truly doubting God, and His promises. Even last year, when I was in such a dark place, spiritually and emotionally, in the deepest part of my heart I had less than a grain of mustard seed sized faith that God had victory at the end of that journey. And He did. I was able to keep reminding myself of His faithfulness because, I believe of what I experienced on the floor of my dorm room.

After I finished crying, I remember that I felt physically strengthened. I was able to stand up, and sit outside of my dorm, and for that time, face what was hurting me the most. Not interact with it, just face it.

God is so good, guys. I wish I able to be more verbal about all that He is, but I'm not. Not now, anyway. Maybe someday God will have me be that person. But for now I'm just me. A lady with a lot of love because God has all of His love for me.

October 20, 2013

"When I look at the stars, I feel like myself."

Life is what it is, am I right? At this point, I sort of barely know what's going on. I don't feel aimless, or hopeless. I don't feel worried. Everything just feels...right. It's like standing out in the middle of a field in the fall. It's perfectly silent. Distant rustles of grass and leaves, but nothing disturbs you. You can just stand there, and enjoy the peace. That's how I feel right now. I've done that, too. Perhaps even more peaceful is standing in the middle of said field, at night, staring at the stars. The latter of the two scenarios is probably my favorite. I love looking at the stars. Everything seems possible when you look at the stars.

The past couple weeks have been fascinating. Experiences that I never imagined having, that have had their drawbacks, because consequences is too harsh of a word. My best friend Allix got married last weekend. I went down to Maryland for a few days, and stayed with her and her fiance, and their sweetie-faced puppy. I swear I'm becoming more of a dog person as the weeks go by. From a distance, though. Between allergies, and how high-maintenance they are, I'm more inclined to appreciate, but not commit.

The wedding went so well. We prayed that God would hold back the rain (constant drizzles or downpours the entire week!) Prayers answered. It rained before the ceremony during final setting up, but by the time 4 pm rolled around, the skies dried up, some blue sky and sunshine even peaked through during the receiving line! It didn't start raining until the end of the dancing, which was really quite perfect. Dancing and jumping around in the rain in a fancy dress is great experience. Speaking of dancing, this is the second wedding I've danced at. Despite how terrible I am. I usually join in for just big group dances...classic wedding stuff, but still. The Cupid Shuffle counts. Plus, it's fun.

I'm getting a car, soon! Hopefully by the end of this month, or the beginning of next. I'm so thankful, and excited. I need a car like whoa. I'm not sure what to name it. I'll have to think it out.

Went to church this morning, and for the first time in many weeks, I actually felt normal. I didn't feel like I was putting on any kind of face, or that the people around me didn't think about my existence. I felt like I could belong. Which is really nice. It got a little weird when some Zion alumni (one of them is a co-worker) talked about how I should go to Zion to finish my degree or..something. I had no other option (aside from lying) but to tell them that I thought about it, and even tried out Zion Experience, but that the school freaks me out. I couldn't make it through the first night. I felt so uncomfortable on campus. Strange but true.

Currently not caring about being single. That'll change by the next post, though. Don't worry, guys.

Oh! So remember how I want to have my own coffee shop one day? Well, for whatever reason, I was thinking about it, and about how I didn't want it to be that thing that I talk about but never start pursuing. There's a space available in my town, in a great spot, and ultimately, it's pretty affordable. If I wanted to be crazy, I could rent it with my income, and still pay my basic bills. Just live off of my tips.

I wrote whomever about seeing the space. I said that I was curious about it, and made it clear that I'm not familiar with any of this, but figured I would ask. We'll see what happens. I just felt like I had to take some kind of initiative. I know that the smart thing to do is take business classes, ideally go to the American Barista & Coffee School, but at least it's a step in the right direction. I dunno. This is just how I do things. I make spontaneous decisions sometimes, and if it freaks me out, I wiggle my way out.

I'm actually pretty excited.

October 4, 2013

I understand.

I'm unconventional. I believe and hope for unrealistic things, and what's worse is that I sincerely believe them to come to fruition. Mostly concerning love and romance. I know it's impractical and impossible. But then this voice inside me reminds me gently that I can trust Him. Despite the confusion and good intentions of others, this is going to be worth it. It has to be. The impossible is possible because that's what God does. Impossible things. Even with practical things. I was raised to believe that God can do anything, and now that I know Him, I trust in that promise. That God can and will do anything, according to His perfect will.

This is repetitive for me. I find that the only way to continue believing for the promises of God is be repeat truth got ourself over and over and over. And then a few more times for good measure.

This is worth it. It's impossibly possible because God said so. God is not a liar. I know this. I know what I believe He has had me hold in my heart for all these years.

Oh, but it can be hard. So hard. Please be patient. Aside from the Thing, this is the longest lesson that I've ever had to learn. I do t even understand it at all at this point. God's ways are not my own. Fortunately, because He knows best. Unfortunately, for my own selfish gain.