February 16, 2013


I'm so tired.

Between getting four hours of sleep, eating an obscene amount of Reese's hearts, and consuming enough wheat to last a month, I am beat.

I haven't felt this lethargic is a long time - at least I made myself work out today. I even managed a two miles (one running, one walking) yesterday. I'm sick, though, so I'm kind of an idiot.

I'm going to Arizona on Thursday. Mer. The next three weeks are going to be busy. I'm such a glutton for sleep that I dread it, but I can't really be an adult without being busy. Isn't being a glutton for down-time one of the deadly sins? Dag.

I've got some concerts in my future - for the first time in quite literally, years. I think the last show that I went to was Switchfoot, in my Senior year of high school. I think. Maybe there was one after my first year of college, but I don't think so.

Anberlin and Audio Adrenaline in March. I don't actually care for Audio A at all, but I adore Kevin Max, and the other bands playing aren't bad. I'm not familiar with the groups touring with Anberlin, but  they're just opening, so it's kind of irrelevant. I was this close to not seeing them, because my mom is a little antsy about my going to Boston alone, at night. I understand the concern, it's legit, but when dad said he was okay with it, she relented :)

Thanks, mom :)

I'm...really, really, really excited that I get to see them. Most of you are from Facebook, so you know how I was in November when they were in Connecticut. Kind of a maniac.

But now, I can go because I can go alone. And I want to go alone. One of the girls I worked with at Camp Clear is going to be there, so we'll probably meet up for a bit.


Ah, boy. It sure will be interesting to see what the Lord has planned. There is really only one thing that I'm "on the lookout" for, as it were, but not in an obsessive way. And frankly, the happenings of this past Monday are good starting points.

Way-ull. S'pose that's all, then.

February 15, 2013

I throw my hands up in the air sometimes, sayin' AYYO, gotta let go.

That song is a classic memory for me. I have a lot of fantastic memories of singing it with many different friends, at incredibly loud volumes. When I first heard it, I connected to it because of the "live life" message that it ultimately proclaims.

It's in my head right now, that's why I'm talking about not. But it's apropo, because that is, again, what I'm talking about. Living life.

Yesterday was my birthday, I'm 22 now. It doesn't feel very different, but I think that the early 20s are kind of a plateau when it comes to "feeling" older or whatever. I mean, it's weird that I'm almost 23, which means I'm almost 25 (because who ever counts 24 as mattering at all?) 25 will be interesting. It's a halfway point, and it just sounds impressive.

The day opened with not feeling happy at all (this week was stupid,) forcing myself to get into my gym clothes and go work out. I'm glad I did, because working out just feels good. I'm nice and sore. I came home from the gym, and things began to look up - Between sweet Happy Birthday posts on Facebook, unexpected flowers, Reese's hearts, cards (with money, whaaat?), Thai food, The Hobbit, and cannoli's from Boston, it was a lovely day.

Some changes in plans happened this week. I told you all that I was moving to Colorado, but a turn in events has made it look like that isn't going to happen anymore. It was more depressing when it initially happened, and it played a part in the bum start to yesterday, but that's life. I told the Lord that I wanted Him to shut the door if it wasn't His will. He's just answering my prayers. I can't really complain.

So, we'll see what happens. The year has taken a drastic turn, and I'm pretty much back to where I started - jobless, and aimless. The only difference is that I'm done with school debt, so I can pursue my education again.

Even The Hobbit encouraged me to be excited about my unknown future. (I find inspiration from anything, guys. Deal with it.)

Anyway, we'll see what happens. No one knows.

February 13, 2013


I'll be 22 tomorrow. Nothing too exciting going on, really. I anticipate the year, but..eh.

The beginning of the week started off with a bang, not necessarily a good one, but whatever. I'm just going through the basic stages of dealing with self-centered jerkfaces (calling someone a self-centered jerkface is a part of the process.)

But as my mom said this afternoon, "Men are jerks."

My parents and I going out for dinner tomorrow as some point. I'm working out. It's pretty uneventful, but I hear 22 isn't a big deal, anyway.

What else...I dunno. Oh! My folks bought cable for my birthday :) On Friday at Midnight (technically Saturday,) there's a Psycho Marathon to usher in the new season. Prior to having cable, I was going to miss it, which made me sad, but now I don't have to! Yay! :)

I'm bored. I thought I had something to talk about. Sorry, guys.

February 10, 2013

Once in a while.

Once in a while, the Lord hits you with big things. It may not be big to anyone else, but it's big to you. Sometimes it's simply a lesson, sometimes it's a chance to see the work that He has done in you. Some times, it's a little bit of both.

I'm an introvert, so I express myself best through writing - in this case, blogging.  It's faster, and my thoughts can come out in a more fluid way, rather than pen-to-paper journaling. I do appreciate that form of expression, but right now, this suits me.

I just got off the phone, from a very big conversation. It was big to me, concerning all the history that lead up to it. I'm sure, in a way, it was big for the person on the other end of the line, but we're individuals, and our experiences aren't the same.

It was a conversation that required me to be a person that I've never been before. It required me to be very frank, very honest, and very vulnerable, and very mature.

In the hour prior to this conversation, (because I was pretty sure I knew what was coming,) I had a very emotional script written up for myself. It was very passionate, it was very selfish, it was very...emotional - the word that encapsulates passion and selfishness very well. I was ready. At so many moment in the conversation, I was ready to blurt it out. To just say it.

But why? Well, I know why. Because it would fulfill my selfish desire to have the ultimate final say concerning my heart. To say how I really feel, even though in the end, it would benefit no one.

And let me be honest, chances are very good that had this conversation happened a year ago, or even two months ago, I would have done it. I've wanted to. To say those words that have made a place in my heart.

But who would gain? No one. The person who called me wouldn't have gained anything...maybe a shallow ego boost (because let's be honest, sometimes hearing certain things just feels good, no matter what.) But really, it would have just made everything more difficult. It would have made me vulnerable in a way that is wrong, because of reasons. It would have made what is coming in the future a bit less.

Let me explain. I read a story once, in Josh Harris' book, "I Kissed Dating Goodbye." It's not my favorite, mainly because I don't date. Anyway, there's a story in the book about a woman who had a dream about her wedding day.

She and her groom are at the altar, and one by one, women come and line up next to him. They're all women that he's dated in the past, and given away a bit of his heart to.

Suffice to say, because I don't date, there are other ways that I can give away my affection that aren't branching from what happens when you're in a relationship. Words are one of them. As strongly as I felt the truth of words, I couldn't make myself say them. I've said them before, but not in this particular context.

I have to keep them. For someone else.

And this, my friends, is proof of God. I am a very emotional person. I can be very irrational. I have been, in the past. And I know that I will be in the future. But I wasn't tonight. Tonight, when it really mattered, and when it was so important for me to react as the woman that God is making me, not the girl that I was a year ago.

The Lord has changed me so much. I'm nowhere near being finished, because Paul told me so in Philippians.

But for this day, I was ready. The Lord prepares us for things that come our way. He gives us what we need. He knew this day was coming, and I knew it was coming (but I'm human, and my view of it was very skewed). The Lord has worked in me. Only by His Spirit was I able to leave that phone call the way that I did. With a whole heart. Nothing broken, nothing bruised, nothing used or tampered with.

God is faithful to keep us. He is faithful to work in us, and change us, if we let Him. And it's hard. It can be so hard. Up until tonight, I have been on the world's longest, roller coaster, filled with the highest hills and the lowest valleys - For this one particular situation, alone.

But He is so faithful. Even in the midst of the phone call, when it was hard. When I was mad at myself. When I heard a voice in my head telling me how stupid I was to let myself get to this point. God was faithful. This is life. It happens. We feel things, and we are blinded by our heart, sometimes. but if we allow God to guide our hearts, we don't get hurt.  We just struggle, and we keep going forward, by His Grace.

"God, who foresaw your tribulation, has specially armed you to go through it,not without pain but without stain." - C.S. Lewis

February 8, 2013

Snowing and such.

It's nice to have a blizzard. I know it's not nice for some people, but I'm not them, so..anyway. We haven't had a snow like this in a long time, so it's nice.

It's nice to have no choice but to lay in bed and read. It's nice to have a cold, and not feel guilty about it.

And it's only Friday! Tomorrow will be just as laid back, and I'm looking forward to it.

Sure, it'll mess with my internal clock, come Monday, but eh. C'est la vie.

I was just thinking about something. I was thinking about my lovely lady, Anna. Love her, she is one of my best of friends. She's been in Colorado for almost a year, and it has been quite the year for her (not to brag, but I told her so. I think deep down she agreed with me all along when I told her that she would meet someone out there, and live happily ever after.)

It's true. She's dating a great guy, and I'm exceedingly happy for her. Anyway, I was thinking about her and David, and then as expected, my thoughts wandered to myself, and my love life, or lack thereof (harharharhar) and I was trying to imagine (because that's what I do) my falling love experience.

I don't want to date. It's a commitment I made when I was about eleven. I'm sure I've talked about this before, but anyway, I was thinking about the fact that I don't date makes, you would think, falling in love hard to do. I realized, I'm basically going to have to have an experience similar to my mom and dad. Meet someone, have such a strong connection to each other and be so compatible that we spend any waking moment together, which is basically dating, but not officially be dating, and then realize that we're in love, and then get engaged. Whether people expect it or not.

My mom will forever deny that she and my dad dated. But let's be real, that's ultimately what it was, mom. It's okay. I'll probably be the same way, should I be put in a similar situation.

I'm kind of at the point where I don't think I'm marrying anyone that I currently know, and I'm really in a nice place of contentment, so no need to dish out the encouragement this time :) I'm doin' just fine this time around...almost borderline arrogant, which isn't necessarily a good thing....*exaggerated shrug*

So, I don't want to date, but for me to be oblivious to what is clearly pretty much dating, the Lord is going to REALLY catch me by surprise, which I know He is 100000% capable of doing, and I'm counting on it. I am expecting the unexpected from God, which makes me really observant and oblivious at the same time.


Anyway, it's nice to be living life. I thought just today, that I'm so thankful to have reached a place of self-confidence that says whoever falls in love with me WILL love me no matter what I'm like. What I look like, how I act..We're all a work in progress, and we meet people at the right time. I'm allowing the Lord to change me into a godly woman, I'm working on making myself a capable woman, and by the time I meet whoever I'm supposed to marry, I'll be just fine.

It's moments like this when I'm so happy that this is my blog, and I can talk about whatever I want.

I'm waiting for Anna to tell me that I'm really going to Colorado. I'm really quite incredulous at this point. She's terrible at texting back.

Thanks for reading, if you read this. I'm going to go back into the world of Pinterest and waste a little more time before I get my head back into Jurassic Park. My friend Zack told me to read the book, and without mentioning anything, my mom brought it to me from..somewhere. I started it several months ago, and it was good then, but I was inbetween three books at the time, and got distracted. Now, I'm more than half-way through and it is SO MUCH BETTER than the movie. I LOVE the movie. I think dinosaurs are totally rad, but the book is just fantastic.

It's the third book I'm into so far with my reading goal. I'd like to read all of my books by the end of the year, but with the 99% chance of moving to CO in the summer, I won't be able to bring them with me. So, my immediate goal is to read 22 books before I turn 23. THAT goal is a part of my "22 before 23" List, which is an idea I got from A Beautiful Mess. Neat blog, I'm trying to visit more often, and hopefully do some of the things they have on there.

Ohhhhhkay. Well, I suppose that's all. Thanks for bearing with me through yet another post about love and romance and my newfound self confidence.  I would say, "Hope it's not TOO boring!" but this is my blog, and I do what I want, y'all.

February 6, 2013

This day.

Well, I'm kind of bumming it today, as I do most days. I was pretty productive two days ago, though. Or..wait, yesterday? Yeah, yesterday.

I worked out this morning, lost two pounds from last week (but it's not really a big deal because of reasons.) Technically, I think I lost three. That third pound might actually count.

Anyway, boring. This entire post is going to be fairly dull, so please feel free to leave this medium of me basically talking to myself.

I plan on making some quinoa and veg for lunch, which will be tastylicious. Love me some tasty veg. I...will be doing some big cleaning and ordering of things in my room because I'm leaving for Arizona soon, and I'm moving away for a year later. I have no idea what's involved in moving across the country by myself. I'm not really going to BE alone, but I'm the only one going. I wonder if I'll stay longer. Or where I'll go after the year ends. Don't know, that bridge will come up in it's time.

But I need to figure what I want to take with me, maybe pack up unnecessary things that I'm not taking with me and take them to the attic (arrrblarrrghhh.) Figure out what I want to be shipped to me (most likely just books.)

Oh, hey, if you have a not terribly old, or terribly worn out laptop that I could buy from you for under a hundred bucks, get in touch, eh? I'd love to try and at least START finishing my degree while I'm over there, and the program is online. Which means on a computer. So, yeah.

I'll look around. Maybe my parents will let me take the Mac (hint, hint?) I do have the Batman decal that is just aching to be fixed onto a Mac...lolz.

dkfgkadgakjrkjak. Well, I'm boring. Sorry. Nothing too profound is going through my brain these days. I've had two cups of coffee so far today. I kind of feel like the second cup was too much.

Mmmm...OH, you know what? When I move, after I miss my parents and my few friends that I have and love so much that are here, I'm going to really, really miss my gym. Mostly my boss at the gym, Billy. I love that guy SO MUCH.

He is literally one of my favorite people. I'm going to miss him so much, I plan on taking a picture with him, and maybe with him and Dan, to take with me. And buying a GIS jacket to remember these days by. I was thinking about it on Monday, and I literally had to force myself to not cry a few tears.

I don't know, he's just one of the most quality people I've met over the past couple years being home. He feels like an Uncle to me. I mean, he's just...everyone should know him. He's quirky, and hilarious, and has a really kind heart toward people. I've been at the gym for over a year, now. Not a week goes by that I'm not just in awe, and so thankful to the Lord for letting me be there. I will be very sad to say goodbye to them. Maybe I'll be able to go back someday.



That's all, I suppose. I'm going to go make lunch, now. And do busy things.

February 5, 2013


Nothing deflates the glory of paying off your college bills like being told that you have to pay 6 bucks to get your yearbook shipped to you.

I'm not begrudging anyone, but really? I got paid my thirty dollars for the week, took out my tithe, paid off the last $25 to be paid-in-full, and now, when I have three dollars left in the bank, I have to give MORE money? There's not six bucks in the alumni fund to help a sister out? Dag, bro.

See, now my gangster is coming out. Man.

I'm getting my diploma, which is nice. I can put it in the frame my parents got me for graduation.

This really isn't very exciting, is it? For me it is, but I know that people owe crazy loans that won't be paid-off, ever.

Oh, well. I'll just set aside six dollars from next weeks thirty dollars and live my life.

Anyway, nothing new. Got a new/used bookshelf from the side of the road. It's pretty clean, and it was free, so, holla.

I missed my workout because I couldn't find my car keys, and walking would make me late. And it was freezing cold. Lame sauce. Keys always manage to be lost at the worst times.


Well, good night. Honor God. Be smart. Marry the woman you say you love (it's okay, I know it's not me).

That's all the advice I got.