Once in a while, the Lord hits you with big things. It may not be big to anyone else, but it's big to you. Sometimes it's simply a lesson, sometimes it's a chance to see the work that He has done in you. Some times, it's a little bit of both.
I'm an introvert, so I express myself best through writing - in this case, blogging. It's faster, and my thoughts can come out in a more fluid way, rather than pen-to-paper journaling. I do appreciate that form of expression, but right now, this suits me.
I just got off the phone, from a very big conversation. It was big to me, concerning all the history that lead up to it. I'm sure, in a way, it was big for the person on the other end of the line, but we're individuals, and our experiences aren't the same.
It was a conversation that required me to be a person that I've never been before. It required me to be very frank, very honest, and very vulnerable, and very mature.
In the hour prior to this conversation, (because I was pretty sure I knew what was coming,) I had a very emotional script written up for myself. It was very passionate, it was very selfish, it was very...emotional - the word that encapsulates passion and selfishness very well. I was ready. At so many moment in the conversation, I was ready to blurt it out. To just say it.
But why? Well, I know why. Because it would fulfill my selfish desire to have the ultimate final say concerning my heart. To say how I really feel, even though in the end, it would benefit no one.
And let me be honest, chances are very good that had this conversation happened a year ago, or even two months ago, I would have done it. I've wanted to. To say those words that have made a place in my heart.
But who would gain? No one. The person who called me wouldn't have gained anything...maybe a shallow ego boost (because let's be honest, sometimes hearing certain things just feels good, no matter what.) But really, it would have just made everything more difficult. It would have made me vulnerable in a way that is wrong, because of reasons. It would have made what is coming in the future a bit less.
Let me explain. I read a story once, in Josh Harris' book, "I Kissed Dating Goodbye." It's not my favorite, mainly because I don't date. Anyway, there's a story in the book about a woman who had a dream about her wedding day.
She and her groom are at the altar, and one by one, women come and line up next to him. They're all women that he's dated in the past, and given away a bit of his heart to.
Suffice to say, because I don't date, there are other ways that I can give away my affection that aren't branching from what happens when you're in a relationship. Words are one of them. As strongly as I felt the truth of words, I couldn't make myself say them. I've said them before, but not in this particular context.
I have to keep them. For someone else.
And this, my friends, is proof of God. I am a very emotional person. I can be very irrational. I have been, in the past. And I know that I will be in the future. But I wasn't tonight. Tonight, when it really mattered, and when it was so important for me to react as the woman that God is making me, not the girl that I was a year ago.
The Lord has changed me so much. I'm nowhere near being finished, because Paul told me so in Philippians.
But for this day, I was ready. The Lord prepares us for things that come our way. He gives us what we need. He knew this day was coming, and I knew it was coming (but I'm human, and my view of it was very skewed). The Lord has worked in me. Only by His Spirit was I able to leave that phone call the way that I did. With a whole heart. Nothing broken, nothing bruised, nothing used or tampered with.
God is faithful to keep us. He is faithful to work in us, and change us, if we let Him. And it's hard. It can be so hard. Up until tonight, I have been on the world's longest, roller coaster, filled with the highest hills and the lowest valleys - For this one particular situation, alone.
But He is so faithful. Even in the midst of the phone call, when it was hard. When I was mad at myself. When I heard a voice in my head telling me how stupid I was to let myself get to this point. God was faithful. This is life. It happens. We feel things, and we are blinded by our heart, sometimes. but if we allow God to guide our hearts, we don't get hurt. We just struggle, and we keep going forward, by His Grace.
"God, who foresaw your tribulation, has specially armed you to go through it,not without pain but without stain." - C.S. Lewis