July 15, 2013


Pretty sure I'm addicted to caffeine at this point. My head is pounding. Last week was weird. It went by really quickly, and I did a lot of stupid things. You know how sometimes you do something dumb, and then you just keep on a roll for the next few days, doing more stupid things, and you judge yourself, and you sincerely believe that other people are judging you, and then you hate yourself, and then at some point you stop cringing at every thought about all the dumb things you couldn't stop doing and decide to push it all behind you and live like it didn't happen?

I'm trying to get into that last stage, but it's hard. I'm really just kinda stuck here. I'm a moron, and everyone knows it, and everything thinks I'm weird. I mean, a part of me sincerely doesn't care if people think I'm weird, but let's be real - no one wants it to be known that we're idiots.

My head really hurts.

But unfortunately, in life, there are people that you subconsciously really want to impress, and when you do dumb things that EVERYONE knows about - because I'm shameless and put my life on Facebook - it's like, "Well. I'm sure you thought I was quirky before this happened, but now you see that I have the maturity of a twelve year old."

Super. So here I am, blogging out my insecurities, hoping that soon I'll believe that I can move on, and no one will talk about my stupidity, and things can go back to normal, and I can be a grown up again.


I'm also really insecure about my lack of love life right now, but that was expected, and I won't bore you with it again.

dlkjhdkjghdgjhekrjhksjdhkjbsa;oiaeuwr;poiwer[pQOEWEO;EUHCVBMNC <>ZX/:LKS"APwoeiw'epr9uetiugefbamndvmnv Z.

Uhg. I HATE BEING IN A FUNK LIKE THIS. I hate caring about what people think, I hate having stupid crushes on people just out of boredom, I hate that I'm so full of myself that I'm down on myself so much, I hate it. It's pathetic. It doesn't do anything for anyone, and it just rings me back twenty steps into adolescence instead of steps towards mature adulthood. What the heck is wrong with me?

Huhhh. Oh well. Cest la vie.

July 7, 2013

To win or be won.

"You have to learn how to play the game if you want to win."

What if I don't want to win? What if I want to be won?

The problem with things concerning life decisions being a game is that in order to win games, you have to be skilled at what is required to play. PEople who aren't good either lose, or win by chance. Games take strategy, sometimes manipulation, and there is always a winner and a loser.

However, what it takes to be won is completely different. There is work done on both sides, but there's only really need for one side to be cunning. To outwit the other competitors. The prize, however, just has to be that - a prize. Something that is only for the party deserving of it.

We want to be prized. Women want to know that men think they're most wonderful thing to be attained, and men want to know that women think they're worthy of attaining.

By making yourself the prize, it says that you believe whoever wins you is clearly worthy of you, which makes them feel good. If both men and women are playing games with each other, there's too much strategical cunning on both sides for anyone to truly know what's going on. There's the great chance of mixed messages, and people who may really want to be together end up with the wrong people because in trying to be the prize, AND a competitor in the game, makes you available to anyone, while you are trying to win other people. Does that make any sense?

Isn't it smarter to stay put, and watch for the one who proves to deserve you, instead of trying to prove that you are deserving AND something to be deserved at the same time?

I'm not good at games that require great strategy. I almost always lose Monopoly, I'm awful at Risk, and I'm 100% terrible at Manhunt. I'm good at staying put. I'm good at thinking things through, and figuring things out, but I am not good at trying to figure out the best way to win things.

I'm good at being myself. I'm not good at forced flirting. If ever someone falls in love with me, it's going to be because they think that I'm great. Not because I played with their emotions in a strategic way to win them over. Love isn't a game. It shouldn't be.

You do the best at being the best possible version of yourself, and someone will see that and be drawn to it. I know that it happens. I don't think that games are necessary. If they are, then I'm going to be single for a very long time.