April 30, 2013

Wanted: Emotional Detox

I feel like I am experiencing an emotional overload. About to overflow with feeling. Unfortunately, it's not any wonderful feelings, they feel old and cloudy. I need to detox. Some kind of emptying and renewal sequence of my feelings.

My head is there, because I understand logic and facts, but my heart is just lagging behind, you know? It's dragging me down. I have had five years of feelings building, and building, and building, only to have someone reject them. A lame example would be, someone says they're hungry. You want this person to be completely satisfied, so you work really hard to make them something they'll enjoy. They get excited about, tell you that it looks really delicious, they thank you for putting in the effort, and then when you finish, they say, "Eh. No thanks. It looks great, but eh." And leave.

My brain has processed all of this. It knows, "This is done, and it's all going to be fine, so be happy." But my heart just is walking through a swamp about it, man. My heart is saying, "But it made so much sense. But I cared so much. But I was there when... But, but, but..."

It's hard. I wish I wasn't dealing with this, but it's simply not over yet.

Today was the first time that it started to manifest itself in my regular outside life. For the last hour and a half or so of work I was on the verge of bursting into tears. I didn't express anything, but I was taking everything personally, I was being cold to my partners, who didn't deserve it, because they're wonderful and I love them, and they make me smile. I love work because it occupies my mind in a productive and enjoyable way.

So, if any of you read this, I'm sorry for being so lame. You guys are my favorite.

I need some quiet. And Jesus. And I miss having a best friend that was easily accessible. Everyone is so far away, or busy.


Well, sorry for wiping my sleeve off on you, if you read this. My heart was all over it. But thanks for reading, anyway.

April 28, 2013

My hope for YOU.

If you decided to click on the link to this post, I have something to say to you.

Everyone deserves to do what they love. Sometimes it takes a longer time for dreams to be achieved for some than it does for others, but everyone deserves to be actively involved in whatever brings them the most joy, and sense of accomplishment.

We all have dreams, desires. We favor some activities over others. We're unique, and what we love is what makes the world go 'round.

I don't know what you love, but I know that you love something. If you aren't sure what you're passionate about, I hope that you discover it, and I hope that you find the courage to throw yourself into it absolutely.

If you're currently putting aside your passion for something else, then I hope that one day you will have the opportunity to pursue your dreams, and do what you love.

Life comes with disappointments, sure, but that doesn't mean that you have any reason to give up or think that you're stuck in some dead-end gig for the rest of your life.

Trust the Lord for your dreams. They aren't too small, or insignificant. It's what you love, and that's what matters.

So there.

April 27, 2013

A promise from the Lord.

You ever have those moments when you think the Lord has given you a promise to believe for, but you pretty much don't really believe it until you see it? That's how I feel. I believe it in the sense of faith, but my brain is waiting for the proof.

I mean, sometimes we hear things that are undeniable. We KNOW we were just told something in our heart, but it's so crazy we can't help but be like, "Yeah, right. That's totally just my wishful thinking."

That's kind of how I feel, I think. Last Thanksgiving, we had a lovely evening, my whole family. It was the nicest family gathering that we've had in a long time, I feel. Which, I believe as I think about it, what simply a blessing from the Lord because it was my Grandma's last Thanksgiving.

Anyway, at the end of the night, I was standing outside by myself, admiring the night sky, and talking to the Lord. Not complaining, but requesting, and leaving it at that.

And then....I heard something, as I was talking to the Lord. I did a double take - it was completely beside my original train of thought - it literally was like I was thinking one thing and at the same time a completely different statement was made into my head. I did a double take, and the exact same sentence entered my mind.

I believe just by means of faith that it was a promise from the Lord, but my head is like, "Girl, you crazy. I mean, we'll see, because nothing is impossible, but you crazy."

I've told a couple people about this, but not many. I think I've even talked about it previously here, on my blog. I may have been more specific then, if so. Whatever.

Trusting the Lord. Feeling at peace these days, as opposed to a couple days ago when I was a wreck.

Unrequited love, it's a thief of joy. But it's unrequited, not true. True love is mutual, and it's also not a thief of joy. It adds to it.

April 25, 2013


I'm thankful for my friends.

I've had a weird emotional breakdown this week, concerning an event from February. I ended up talking for a while with my dear friend Kiaya about it. I've known Kiaya since about 8th grade, though I don't think we became friends until about maybe 10th grade. We connected through a mutual friend, she married the brother of the friend, and the rest is history.

So, I've known her for a long time. Almost ten years!

This is us Senior Year. Ah, Senior Year.

She is one of my favorite people. One of my best friends in life. It's one of those open, non-judgmental, completely honest relationships that...I don't think has ever had any drama. Kindred Spirits, no doubt. 

So, I talked to her today about my problem. She was honest, and kind, and the Lord used her to speak to me.  I mean, what she said struck me so deeply that all I could do was cry.

It started with her telling me that I should pray about it. Which is obvious, but you know what? I wasn't doing that. It ended with her saying this: 

"But what I'm saying is sometimes these romantic things make it hard for us to hear. Lust of the flesh and what not."

And there it was. I'm not even sure exactly what it was the struck me so deeply but it did. And it put me in my place.

And I'm thankful. 

April 23, 2013

Nothing new, per se.

The short of it is: I still make coffee, I still work out, and I'm still happy being single.

Although, as expected, that last one has managed to sneak in and try to convince me that being single is a problem.

Something I saw somewhere made me cry myself to sleep with disappointment. Not despair, I'm not quite THAT juvenile, but the fact is that unrequited love hurts, even when you're content with the the situation.

Oh well, I suppose. There's nothing to do about it, except to keep making macchiatos. Which is okay by me. I love it.

I got a little more practice sequencing today. I'm not great, but that's expected. I'd like to be great.

rionfdkfdkfkjgfkfvcnvnv defgfjbgnkjkjbf.

Yup. I'm so tired. I went to the gym after work, and it was great, but now I'm sleepy and my feet are sore.

Aaaaand that's it. Nothing too profound. OH, I got to see Billy and Dan from Get in Shape yesterday! I stopped by before work to tell Dan about the hiring fair at my store (his fiance wants to work at Starbucks), and they were like, "Wellll where's our coffee??" So I bought them some coffee yesterday. And it made me happy. And I miss them! I love those guys so much. Dan said he would come see me on Saturday at work. AND WELL HE SHOULD. lol

Ick. My blog is digressing into what my old blogs were. Lame journal entries that say the same thing over and over and over again.

I'll do better, promise.

April 18, 2013

I want a salad.

So I'm going to go buy one.

Well, life update:

I work, I work out, I go to church, I watch Fox News and the Food Network. This is my life, and I'm content. I still love work. I still love my co-workers. I love working out. I love my church. I love justified laziness.

That's it, really.

But sincerely, God is just faithful. I'm blessed. He answers prayers, and is faithful to open doors.

I recently joined Planet Fitness. It was so weird - I saw an ad for their Spring $1 start up deal, and that was on the 9th. It was like, "Ends April 10th!" and I was like, "Dangit!" It's always hard for me to keep up my fitness on my own, and I knew that waiting until their summer deal was going to wreck havoc on my health. And then, as odd as it sounds, I had a kind of dream-vision sort of thing. I saw myself go into PF and ask if I could still sign up for a dollar, even though the promotion passed. And in the dream, the guy told me that a lot of people had been asking that, and he let me do it.

Well, a couple days later, I decided to go to the website just to see how much it was to start up, if I could scrounge it together.

What do I see? "Extended by popular demand until April 14th! Sign up for a $1!"

Whaaaaat? I happened to have $1.19 in my account, and proceeded to join.

So now I'm a gym member. I love being able to go and be on the machine as long as I want, and burn as many calories as I want.

That's basically how I lost weight at school, sooo fingers crossed. But in the end, I just like working out. I like knowing that I live a normal healthy lifestyle. I'm not crazy because I just can't afford it, and I'll get bored. I like doing what I want, okay?

So, life is good. I think I'm getting paid this week which will be awwwwesome. :)

That's all.

April 10, 2013

Maybe I'm just idealistic, buuuuuut...

I am completely willing to own that my mind could be in the midst of rainbows and butterflies when it comes to loving my job. But I sincerely love it from the bottom of my heart. Even when DTO is a beast, and in my head, all I want my manager to say is "move on to something else, you're terrible at this," I don't want to give up. I have been waiting for, and applying to this job for a long time. I am willing to work as hard as I need to to be great.

I hope that I never come to a point where I dread coming to work. I don't see that happening soon. Obviously there's bad days, but I know that. In general, thought, I don't want to hate my job, and do it just because it's an income.

Also, I think it's safe to say that I think my co-workers are fantastic. Encouraging, funny, normal...I love having co-workers. It's literally one of the reason I wanted a job so badly. They're so great. I'm thankful for them.

GUYS, EVERYTHING IS JUST GREAT. That's the simplest way to say everything that I can't find words for to express my happiness. Everything is amazing, and it's as awesome as I thought it would be, and that's all.

Moving on from the greatness of the work where I get burned by milk, and smell like coffee, and get splattered by coffee, and my hands get sticky with syrup...I'm starting a different kind of work tomorrow.

We heard about this farm that gives volunteers a share of the harvest. I think the Farmer said I'll be doing planting tomorrow. This is going to be so fun! I'll learn how to garden, and do a new kind of physical labor, and get tan (holla.) AND the moral of the story is we get a share of everything. Fruit, vegetables, flowers, herbs, eggs. Awesome!

Well, sorry for being so sunshine-y with my Starbucks love, if you're hating your life right now. I know that when I hate my life, people who are so happy annoy the heck out of me, so I apologize, but I can't help it. I know how those happy people feel, now.

Life will get better, if you're life is terrible :) Patience, and courage to trust God pay off at the right time.

April 4, 2013

Dangit, T-Swift.

STUCK IN MY HEAD, AGAIN. What is this voodoo?!

I'm sleepy. Finished up training today, and got to get a leg up on practice shifts, which start next week. Loved it all. I love getting comfortable with everything. I love that ultimately, everything is really organized. I love that the atmosphere is really friendly, and normal. I've said it before, but I am really just so thankful that I'm naturally being myself. That I'm not going through my typical "being shy and weird at first and then opening up after three weeks" phase.

Hurrah for confidence, and being a grown up.

Honestly, I love working. Having a job is so great - especially after NOT having one for so long. Not a consistent, several-days-a-week one. I love that I have something to do every day, that is productive, and that is fun. I seriously do not deserve to be so blessed, but I am so thankful.

All of these blog posts are pretty redundant these days. Sorry. But really, it's just all so great.

I haven't gotten my pound of coffee yet. Dangit! I should go pick it up tomorrow.

Got time off in the works for Roman's wedding, which is super. Have I mentioned that, yet?

In short, the moral of the story is:

Me. Allix. Car. Canada.

Ohhhhhh yeahhhh.

iuhzdrdjfhg;jfgh I'm just bored, don't mind me. I felt like typing. Jurassic Park is coming out in 3D, guys. I'm really, really excited. The book is 1000x better, but I LOVE that movie. It always puts me on the edge of my seat.

Hmm. I should go do devotions, and things.

April 2, 2013

Shots, pumps, and foam, oh my!

The biggest accomplishment (if it was accomplished, anyway) I think is memorizing how many shots of espresso, and pumps of syrup go into the different drink sizes. Also steaming milk. After that, the espresso based drinks are probably a breeze. Teas and frappuccinos are pretty easy, though.

Today was day two of training, and it was really great. Had fun, and I'm not as nervous about forgetting things because I feel really relaxed in the environment. If I was uptight and insecure, I'd be forgetting everything the instant I learned it. Obviously I don't have everything down yet, but I'm comfortable.

Tomorrow I go in at 1 pm, which is nice. NEXT WEEK, though - I have an opening and closing shift. I'm really excited about that. It's funny, being completely okay (and excited) about waking up at 3:45 in the morning to get to work by 5. I told my mom that I think it's similar to my Mt. Zion experience: I was okay with wearing skirts every day because I knew that I was supposed to be at the school, and I was excited about going. Same thing here. I know that I belong in that store, man. It's like, everything is foreign, but in a really exciting way. I'm beyond excited about this job, so if I have to be up at the crack of dawn, I'll gladly do so.

Left this evening on a high note - both T and I made ourselves a drink before we left. I made a hazelnut macchiato, because of the lattes, cappuccinos, and macchiatos, the latter are the trickiest. I had tried a caramel one earlier today, and it didn't turn out quite right, so I wanted to try again, and V (she was training us) said it was perfect. It was also *Jim Gaffigan voice* delicious. Seriously, hazelnut over caramel any day. But that's just a personal preference.

I also got to make a couple customer drinks, and they didn't complain so...hopefully they turned out okay :)

Well, another day - happy, content, and blessed. So excited about what the Lord has in store.

April 1, 2013

April First, 2013

Today was the day! I began Barista training this morning, a little after 9 am. The other guy who is training with me, T, seems really great. It was so neat to be sitting across from another person who was just as excited about working at Starbucks as me, who was just as enthusiastic abut coffee, and even wants his own cafe someday. It's like, "Hey, I'm not a complete loon for looking forward to this so much!" I think he and I hit it off really well, so I'm excited to work with him (it'd be a bummer to meet the other new person and dread being their co-worker.)

Today was mostly paperwork and the background/vision of Starbucks. We also did one tasting - I'm really looking forward to doing the tasting. Just doing Kenya today was eye-opening to the distinctions between each roast and blend, and I'm really, really excited about delving into that. I mean, I've probably had a cup of almost all their different blends, but before now, it was just all coffee. I could taste the difference between roasts, but the little things that make it unique just make the experience so much more exciting.

I know that Starbucks is all controversial right now in the Christian/conservative world, but as a business, and as a coffee shop, they're really great. And I think I'm really blessed to be at a branch that puts action to the values that the company claims. They care about the experience for the customers, and they care about the community that they're in, they care about their partners, and my store acts on these values. I'm really excited. I think that this is going to be a really, really incredible experience.

And yeah, I am very aware that I'm going into a secular workplace, and that I'm going into the world, and that my maturities are going to be tested, but I'm ready for that. I'm in a very different place than I was two years ago - the Lord knows when to put us in certain places. If I had started at the Haverhill Starbucks two years ago, I can assure you that things would not be going well.

I'm ready for this. I'm ready to learn - everything. When it comes to the work, when it comes to the people I'm working with, when it comes to customers, when it comes to myself in the midst of it all. I'm more than ready to get into this.

I am nervous about retaining everything, but that stems from my "I want to get it right the first time, and every time" mentality. I'm always like that when I start new things - but I'm reminding myself over and over that making mistakes is completely okay, I'm new. No one expects me to be perfect right away.

Well, I'm thrilled. I'm blessed. I'm ready. I am so excited about what lies ahead.

Huhhhh. I'm happy. When it comes to earthly things satisfying the best that they can, I am satisfied. However, my wrath towards Hallmark Love stories would say otherwise. (Seriously, Hallmark? Nothing is more unrealistic.)

But really, I'm happy. Why? Because of the faithfulness of God. Literally none of our "earthly satisfactions" come from anywhere except God.