I feel like I am experiencing an emotional overload. About to overflow with feeling. Unfortunately, it's not any wonderful feelings, they feel old and cloudy. I need to detox. Some kind of emptying and renewal sequence of my feelings.
My head is there, because I understand logic and facts, but my heart is just lagging behind, you know? It's dragging me down. I have had five years of feelings building, and building, and building, only to have someone reject them. A lame example would be, someone says they're hungry. You want this person to be completely satisfied, so you work really hard to make them something they'll enjoy. They get excited about, tell you that it looks really delicious, they thank you for putting in the effort, and then when you finish, they say, "Eh. No thanks. It looks great, but eh." And leave.
My brain has processed all of this. It knows, "This is done, and it's all going to be fine, so be happy." But my heart just is walking through a swamp about it, man. My heart is saying, "But it made so much sense. But I cared so much. But I was there when... But, but, but..."
It's hard. I wish I wasn't dealing with this, but it's simply not over yet.
Today was the first time that it started to manifest itself in my regular outside life. For the last hour and a half or so of work I was on the verge of bursting into tears. I didn't express anything, but I was taking everything personally, I was being cold to my partners, who didn't deserve it, because they're wonderful and I love them, and they make me smile. I love work because it occupies my mind in a productive and enjoyable way.
So, if any of you read this, I'm sorry for being so lame. You guys are my favorite.
I need some quiet. And Jesus. And I miss having a best friend that was easily accessible. Everyone is so far away, or busy.
Uhg.
Well, sorry for wiping my sleeve off on you, if you read this. My heart was all over it. But thanks for reading, anyway.
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