October 27, 2013

I thought I had something to say.

And then I over-thought myself out of it.

Here are just my thoughts. They might not make sense, because I am long-winded, and I tend to ramble. Feel free to leave and look at picture of cats in the internet. We'll see where this goes.

I love people. I think that people are fascinating, and I think that people have potential for greatness. I want everyone to be the greatest that they can be, I want people to have their dreams come true, I want everyone to understand exactly what's happening in their life. If I could take everyone's problems away, and replace it with happiness, I would. I mean, life is challenging. It's hard. We end up in places that we didn't expect, and that we wish we could escape. I want to help people escape. I want to have all the answers to all their questions.

But I guess that's where Christ comes in. I can't do any of the things that I want to, to help people. I mean, I can, to a point. They're imperfect efforts, but they're efforts, nonetheless. And the only reason, I think, that my efforts can ever make some kind of difference is because of Christ in me. He's the only reason I'm any kind of a good person, you know? If I didn't know that God has perfect love for me, all day, every day - when I screw up, when I gossip at work, when I curse under my breath, when I do things that do not reflect Him at all - I wouldn't be a nice person. I wouldn't be good. There would be no reason to be. But because I know that someone is always there, in my pleasures and in my pain, when I'm at my best or at my worst...I think that that subconsciously makes me try to be a good person.

I mean...how can you not want to be that person when you know that there's someone there rooting for you even when you fail? Who sees the end of your story, and because I'm in Christ, the end of my story is being perfect like Him.

When we give God the chance to become real to us, He takes it and makes Himself undeniable to us. I think that my moment when God became undeniable to me was back when I was in Bible college.

I liked a guy, in Bible college. I look back and believe that I loved him. There's really no other way to define what I felt for him. Anyway, in my final semester of college, I was so overwhelmed by my emotions on afternoon, that all I could do was walk around. Try to run away. Unfortunately, there's no easy way to get off campus, so all I could do was furiously wnader around the fields and try to find a place that I couold just scream and no one would hear. It was impossible. The fields were huge, and I was insecure that somehow my scream would be so loud that they would echo and everyone would hear me. This is probably not true, but who knows.

I had to run away. I couldn't take it. I was crying, and my head was pounding, and I was a mess. I stormed into my dorm, through the lounge to my room (which was thankfully on the same floor as the lounge - not far.) There were a couple girls sitting in there, who of course could see that something was wrong and one of them knocked on my door, which was sweet of her, to ask if I was okay. Obviously not. I don't think I yelled at her, but I was trying to not burst into maniacal sobs. I was the biggest wreck that I had been in the entire journey with these emotions.

She left me alone, and all I could do was lay on the floor. I couldn't support myself. I couldn't sit up, I couldn't curl up into a ball, I could just lay on the ground. Crying, gasping for breath, head pounding. I gave up. I couldn't do anything. I was helpless. And then, in the moment where I was at my absolute weakest, I felt, I swear it was tangible, arms wrap around me. A head rest on mine, a sense entering my heart telling me that it was okay to cry. People say that God feels our pains and our joys, even if they seem insignificant. I knew, in that moment, that God knew my pain. He was with me, holding me, and I knew He knew my pain. Not because God had been in the same situation exactly, but honestly, God's love for us exceeds our capacity to understand, and yet we treat it like it means nothing to us. How much must that hurt Him?

It makes me tear up, thinking about that moment on my floor, when God made Himself real to me. When I knew that He was with me in all of my highs and my lows, and that He was familiar in ways that I can't understand all of my pain and my joy.

I haven't had a moment like that since, but because of it, I have a really hard time truly doubting God, and His promises. Even last year, when I was in such a dark place, spiritually and emotionally, in the deepest part of my heart I had less than a grain of mustard seed sized faith that God had victory at the end of that journey. And He did. I was able to keep reminding myself of His faithfulness because, I believe of what I experienced on the floor of my dorm room.

After I finished crying, I remember that I felt physically strengthened. I was able to stand up, and sit outside of my dorm, and for that time, face what was hurting me the most. Not interact with it, just face it.

God is so good, guys. I wish I able to be more verbal about all that He is, but I'm not. Not now, anyway. Maybe someday God will have me be that person. But for now I'm just me. A lady with a lot of love because God has all of His love for me.

1 comment:

  1. I am glad that a point came that you did not feel alone in your struggle <3