December 17, 2013

Twists, turns, and changes.

The end of 2013 is showing to be really....weird. It's been a good year, you know that. But the end of this year is feeling very flustered. It feels like I had a hand of cards, and I just decided to throw the cards in the air, just watching them float down wherever they would feel to land. I somehow feel emotionally uprooted from things that I used to care about, I feel like I'm being too open about certain things, I feel like I'm a liar. Things just seem amok, you know?

I feel like I'm ready for certain things, and yet I feel like I'll never be ready. I feel like I'm okay with myself, and then I feel like I'm no where near good enough for anyone that I want to accept me. I miss my friends, I wish it was easier to see them all on a regular basis.

I like my job, but I want to be better. I like my co-workers, but I want to be kinder. Not that I'm not a nice person, but I feel like I should be a kinder human being. I have the tendency to be kind of brash and sarcastic, and jokes have their place, but geez. Sometimes I feel a little out of control.

I love the Lord, and I want to honor Him, but I'm doing nothing to act on that. I don't always honor Him with my words or actions. I don't serve Him the way that I should. I go to church, but anyone can do that. It's important, and I think it's beneficial for me as a person, but it doesn't make my walk with God grow. I don't read the Bible, really ever. A few weeks ago, around Thanksgiving time, a friend was home for the holiday, and we were catching up after church, and he asked me: "What are you reading in your quiet time?" I had nothing to say. I don't get asked that, ever. Not by my peers. I told him that I don't really have quiet time these days. He was kind enough to shrug it off as "understanding that it's hard to find time," which is true to a point, but I mean..I would make time to go to the gym when I had a car? But I can't make time to read the Bible or some inspirational book when I'm home? Like now, instead of blogging?

And then last night, a woman from my church, the mother of said friend, asked if I came in to the facility. I felt ashamed as I said, "Not as often as I should." I love being there. There's no reason for me to not try and make an effort to go.

I don't know. I'm having some kind of identity crisis that I don't really understand, but at the same time I understand very well. I think a part of it comes from not wanting people to be surprised or proud of me when I do spiritual things like pray or read my Bible. It's stuff that I should be doing, you don't have to tell me you're proud of me, like I'm a child.

I guess we never really figure it all out at one time in our life. Lessons come and go. In the meantime, I'm writing a bunch of unsolicited emails that are way too transparent, I feel, at least. I'm afraid I'm going to freak this person out and never see them again. Oh well. Risks must be taken, amiright? Especially when you believe in them.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for this post. I can relate in so many ways. I feel like I have an identity crisis so often sometimes I forget that I'm having one and everything just feels weird to me. But I can understand where you're coming from in the first few paragraphs especially the 'It feels like I had a hand of cards, and I just decided to throw the cards in the air, just watching them float down wherever they would feel to land."