November 3, 2012


Well, this past week has been, in a couple words, quite fantastic! It hasn't been easy, but it hasn't been like a "regular" week. I've gotten pretty upset a few times, but I haven't been waking up mad every day. I've come to a much more realistic state of mind...about a lot of things.

Concerning my general life, I've accepted the fact that it's my time to stay home and help my mom with Grandma. No matter how many applications I put out, I'm simply not going to get a "real job" any time soon. Or ever, possibly. The Lord has opened the door to weekly provision that, when used the right way, will fill my car with gas, pay off my monthly phone bill, HAS paid off my Mt. Zion debt (YAY!!!!) will help pay for car insurance, and once in a while, leave money leftover for random fun things. Oh, also Christmas gifts. I can't wait to start Christmas shopping!) And that dumb doctor's bill from when I had MRSA over internship...anyway. I digress.

When I really thought about it, I realized that the Lord HAD made provision for my NEEDS. Not my wants. The Bible says that He does. "But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus" Philippians 4:19. Where I had fallen was thinking, nay, insisting, that my wants qualified as needs. And I was mad at God for holding me back, keeping me stuck in this house while life passed me by.

But it's not. I'm in it, moving along with it, and He has provided for my needs.

I also found myself open to volunteering again. I used to be really into it, and then I got back from college and was like, "Gotta make mad monies, yo." And that consumed me. But again, what does the Bible say?

"Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Matthew 6:31-34

So, what I'm trying to say is, I let myself believe the Enemy, and was living contrary to the Word of God. Intentionally, and unintentionally.

Volunteering. Once I became settled into the fact that my job is to stay home and help my mom, I was like, "Well, I still have a lot of free time, so...I should do stuff." The idea popped into my head when I was thinking about how culturally lacking I am - so I was checking out the MFA site, and saw that they take volunteers...looked into it with a few museums, and then was like, "Hey! What about the Library?" So I checked it out yesterday, and I'm in. I'll be going in on Monday evenings.

I'm also going to go back into the prison with dad to help him with office stuff, on Tuesdays. I used to have mixed (okay, maybe more like negative) feelings about this because I felt like every time my mom told me to go in, I thought she was pushing me into doing ministry stuff. And it ticked me off. But..I don't see it that way, anymore.

I also do some babysitting for a homeschool group that meets at my old church. Monday mornings, and it's a nice little bit of extra income. I have some potty-trainers, which is a little nerve-wracking, but oh well.

And then, of course, there is still the gym. I love the gym. Billy is so great. I mean, talk about provision - I STILL get to work out three times a week, for free, in exchange for like, five hours of work a week. That's at most. It still amazes me. If the Lord hadn't opened that door, my health would...not be what it is today. No way. I don't want to think about what would haven happened to my body if I hadn't walked in that day and asked about doing a trade off.

Seriously though, my attitude about my health has radically changed over the past few months. I used to feel weird at the gym and judge myself against how others were fast they lost weight, etc...I would only walk outside because I was insecure. I'm not, anymore. If I'm not losing weight quickly, I know it's on me, and I make changes. I am my own person, and what other people do doesn't define me. I freaking go running, now. I NEVER in a million years thought I'd go running. Outside. During the day. Ask anyone. And I love it! I'm not really fast, and I usually can only go two miles, but I DON'T CARE. I don't give up on myself anymore, and I know I'm going to get better!

I'm busy, and I didn't notice or care, because I was convinced that I was in the wrong place. But now I know otherwise. I'm in the right place, and to quote Jim Elliot, my hero:

"Wherever you are, be all there. Live to the Hilt of every situation you believe to be the will of God."

Not to say that I don't fail miserably. Not to say I do it all right, now. I don't. But it's okay.

I'm hoping that I'll be able to get back into school, soon. I want to get my Biblical Studies degree out of the way. I also have discovered that social psychology is my niche. I have a Psycho book from high school, and I started reading that chapter yesterday. It's EXACTLY what I talk about when I say I want to study Psychology. Love it. I want to do a lot, really, when it comes to school. I won't go off on it all now, but...know that I really want to get back into school.

Ahhh. That's all. I know it was long, but it was so positive, right? Super duper.

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