And I'm listening to Relient K's "Collapsible Lung" because though all the lyrics don't match my life, the essence of the album matches my momentary and oppressed angst.
Yesterday in church, in the midst of all the neat looking people who I'm not dumb enough to think have it all together but are generally prettier than me, men and women, both. I was looking at them. I was singing songs. I was looking around. Two things happened. One, I was confronted again with how uncomfortable I feel in church these days, and how every time I go to church I feel like I don't belong and my sense of feeling incomplete is glaring at me in the form of pretty couples loving Jesus together.
So, there's one thing. kind of two. Feeling like a misfit in church, and always feeling incomplete when I sit in the church pew with anyone. My parents, my co-worker and her husband...I just don't fit in. I don't belong. I feel like I'm so out of place in church. I don't understand it and it makes me sad.
And then I thought about something else. My church is full of (aside from everyone else), a lot of young single people, or young couples. The single people are all high schoolers. Irrelevant. But here's what was going through my head.
What is it about me that makes me not at all desirable to Christian men? Don't give me any kind of consolation, this is a fact. And it is going to make me freak out. I'm not unspiritual. I'm not backslidden. I have a sincere, honest, real walk with the Lord. No, I'm not your typical Bible college graduate. No, I don't raise my hands when the pastor tells me to. No, I don't pray in tongues on demand. No, I don't shout to the heavens when I praising God in church. But it doesn't make me less of a godly woman.
I was sitting in church and all I could become was angry Christian men. Angry at them for not being worth my time, angry that they pass me by because I'm not a size 6. Angry at them for being shallow. If you're going to try and tell me that there are other Christian men out there that are NOT like this, AND still single, then you had better be a single Christian man with depth who doesn't judge women by their size. Not an old married lady, not my best friend, not my co worker, not my parents, not my family, you had better be the man who is going to freaking marry me. Because this is getting old. I don't even understand my outrage. It has nothing to do with impatience of time, because I'm CLEARLY still willing to wait or else I'd be in a relationship by now, and I CLEARLY still think someone must be out there that's worth waiting for or, again, I'd be in a relationship by now.
I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of men not being manly enough. I'm tired of not being able to escape this inner longing for someone to complete me. I mean, THIS is where I'm at. I literally feeling like a part of me is missing. I know that it's not Jesus that I need to fill the void. I've known that feeling. I don't feel empty and meaningless. I feel incomplete and out of place. When you feel empty, the answer is Jesus. But I don't feel empty. I know where I am in Christ. I may not go to church every week, but I know my place in Christ. A part of me is missing.
I'm incomplete. And it's the worst. I don't want to feel like a misfit in the world. I don't want to feel like I don't belong. I want to complete someone. If it's the Lord's will for me to get married, and he's out there, feeling the same way...it's awful.
But maybe that's what scares me. That I'm here, alone, feeling incomplete and wishing that someone needed me, but the person I'm supposed to be with is still all fine being single and dudely. Doesn't need anyone. Thst scares me, I think. The thought that the person I'm supposed to be with is out there, perfectly content to have not met me yet.
I can't be left alone with my thoughts.
On a different note, life is going well. Work is going well. I'm making friends, and it's really nice. When confronted with a former person, I am confronted iwth my heart and I freak out. I can basically never interwct with them again. I'm going to a wedding soon. I'm in it. I still have to buy the coffee. That's all.