August 18, 2013

C'est la vie. That's all there is to say.

There are things about my life that I don't understand. I'm sure that's true for many but every once in a while, things happen. Things don't just happen though, they happen quickly, and I find myself in a miniature whirlwind of sorts, one that, once it slows down, I look back and I think: "Did I go too fast, too soon? Did I say too much at once? Did I react prematurely? For undisclosed reasons, I can't be specific, but the moral of the story is that this weekend has been absolutely fascinating. I've gone with the flow, but when I look back, I wonder if in that flow I just...unintentionally overstepped my boundaries.

Life is life. You can't take back anything, you just have to go with it. I accept this, but it doesn't stop me from cringing until I see the final reaction or response to whatever I have said or done.

Today, I was a jerk. Things were recently implied, and I think I may have overstepped myself by going ahead and putting said implications to the test.

My dad said that I should find a way to explain myself. So I'll just blog.

The reason I do what I do now, especially concerning relationships, is because I have already been through the experience of thinking that someone is worth my time, and then just committing my heart to them. I don't want to do that again. It's a waste of time, energy, and heart space. Now, I have to determine by means of subconscious, and conscious testing if someone is worth my time, and wait for them to act on thinking that I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. I cannot pursue. I can do my part to try and build a friendship, but I cannot pursue. I cannot devote myself again unless someone makes it clear that they want to devote themselves to me.

It's a logical way to be, I should have been like that all along...but alas. Love clouds our judgment.

We'll see. It's an interesting life I lead. All of these obscure windows have cracked open that I did not expect, and are simply just that. Unexpected. I'll continue to live my life and let the Lord do His thing, I suppose. I hope that I don't get in the way. That's always a hassle.

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