Sometimes I feel like I'm in cahoots with "the Church."

To start off on a high note, today was really nice. Good church service, though people who have been missionaries with big organizations for so long make me wary sometimes...you can't always tell if they're just trying to sell you something at this point. Either way, I was reminded of something that I'd really love to do someday. Maybe the Lord will open that door, maybe not. We'll see. My "heart", for lack of a better Christian term, for missions has always fluctuated. "I want to do missions," and then someone says, "Well, you'll be so far from home," or "It's so expensive," or "You don't want it to be a vacation under the guise of mission work." All of which I understand, and as you can see by my lack of involvement with world missions, it's played its part in my decision making. Anyway, that desired was kind of stirred up again, I think. We'll see, I guess.

I proceeded to spend the afternoon between my store and Newburyport, both places offered up a really nice time. I enjoy walking around cities/towns by myself, and Newburyport is particularly lovely. A majority of my co-workers I think judge me for going over there on my day off, but I can't help it that I like them. I don't have a lot to do in my life right now. Why not hang out with people whose presence I enjoy? I don't see the problem.

Now to get to the meaning of my title. Sometimes, I feel like I'm in cahoots with the Church. I know that the Bible says that the Church is the Body of Christ, and that we're supposed to function like a body...work together, be there for each other, etc...but sometimes, when I think about so much of the reality of the church, I feel like I'm in cahoots with it to somehow defend its bad behavior.

I mean, the reality of so many parts of "the Body of Christ" is that it's full of hypocrites, apathetic Christians, or people who are just trying to prove that they're good enough. They aren't working together, they aren't trying to be Christ-like for the sake of reaching out to people who don't know the Lord. I don't deny that I am a part of the problem. I say that I'm a Christian and that I love the Lord and that I want to honor Him, but...I hardly participate in any of the "regular" Christian "activities" or "duties." I rarely go to church, I rarely read my Bible, I rarely pray...I'm a Christian in name only at this point. And I feel like I'm responsible to be honest about it.

I mean, granted, I don't want people to look at me and think, "Well, geez, if she's a 'Christian' and keep her 'Christian life' together, what's the point? She's just as bad off as me." I don't want people to think that about me, but it's true. I guess what makes it different is that I know I'm not condemned for being imperfect. Not that imperfection is a condemnation otherwise, but you know what I mean? Like...at this point in my life, I see that I'm a Christian in name only. My deeds aren't necessarily evil or going against God, but there is no action to my faith.

James tells us that faith without works is dead. You don't have to be living a life of blatant, willful sin to have lifeless, useless faith.

I feel like I'm responsible to be honest about my lacking with the Lord. If anything, I think that 1) It's important for people to know that Christians really don't have it all together, even though the whole point of church these days is to look that way. And 2) Even though I don't have it all together, and even though my faith is bearing no fruit, I see it as a challenge to rise up above myself by the grace of God so that people can ALSO see the reality of the Christian walk. It's a walk of mountains and valleys. It's a walk about feast and famine. It's about choices. Christ does as work in us continually to be like Him, but WE CHOOSE to let that work really take place. And sometimes we choose death over life, but then we choose life over death.

Does any of this make sense? I just think that it's wrong for Christians to NOT be honest about where they're really at with their walks with God. What's the secret? That being a Christian is hard? "Oh no, don't tell anyone that! Then they won't get saved." They're gonna get saved if they think we're constantly better than them?

I'm not sure what I'm rambling about anymore, but hopefully something made sense.

I'm tired of having to back up a Church that I'm uncomfortable being affiliated with. Can't the Church go back to being JUST about Jesus and being like Jesus and being Christ-like to those who aren't believers in Christ so that they can see it's not just a crutch or make a group of pathetic people feel better about themselves?

And I mean, I know that I shouldn't be "bashing" the church. I'm not trying to. But if I hear someone say, "Blah blah, people in the church are this and that," and I know that they're right, I mean...I have to agree. But then I want my life to reflect what the reality of Christ is. And currently, I don't think it is. My challenge is to repent of complacency and just OBEY. Like Pastor Tim said so many times. Simple obedience. Day by day, doing what God asks of you, one thing at a time.

*sigh* Christianity. It's so misunderstood. By everyone.