August 3, 2013

I feel like I'm falling apart.

But instead I'm going to be honest with you again about the person that I've become.

A long time ago, when I was about ten or eleven years old, I made the decision to not date. I wasn't going to date, I was going to court, and then I was going to get married. I was going to wait for a godly man who was going to know that I was the "One", and it was going to be romantic, and easy, and fine.

This has pretty much worked for me since then until now. For a long time I prided myself on having some kind of lofty standard for men, for dating - or not, rather. I was perfectly okay with waiting for the godly man (who of course had problems because no one is perfect.) I was okay with it until I thought that I had met him. And understandably, I'm sure, once I thought that I had met him, I began to get antsy. I began to be impatient, under the guise of patiently waiting for him to get a clue. Unfortunately, with the permission of my emotions, and against the will of my mind, my heart got away from me. I was convinced that somehow, some way, some day (sounds pretty West Side Story, am I right?) that this man and I were destined for each other. No matter what or who happened in either of our lives, it was fate. And since I believed that, it was easy to fall back on the "I'm trusting God" line, and play the "I'm waiting for the right one" game.

And then the reality of what I knew about my future with the man slapped me in the face one last time. And I gave up. I wouldn't have told you that, I would have said that I was a better woman for it, and that I was confident in my singleness, and that I was still trusting God and still waiting.

Not true. I gave up. I gave up on meeting anyone that I truly connected to, believed in, wanted to be with. Every once in a while something would happen and I'd feel some sort of glimmer of "hope" again, or I'd feel a wave of "single girl power" rush over me.

But the truth is that I don't know if I'm waiting anymore. I don't know what I'm waiting for, and I'm not trying to become the kind of woman that the man I think I should be waiting for would want to marry. I'm a mess. I feel like I've given up and I'll take whoever wants me, but the flip side is that that's not going to happen. I don't know what my future is. I don't know if there's a man in it. The image I have is a man who is much too good for me. I don't deserve some God-fearing man who wants to serve the Lord. I hardly want to serve the Lord. My walk with Christ is a complacent one, and I can talk a good talk but the reality is I don't have anything together. Right now, as I type this, I feel like I'm falling apart. I feel alone, and I feel like I know how I should be but I know I can't get there with my feeble attempts at Christianity. I get uncomfortable when Christians talk all Christian-y, like I can't relate to them anymore. That's not the person I want to be. I talk about wanting to be a "light for Christ at my job." Yeah, okay. Nice idea.

I want to wait. I want to believe. I want to be a godly woman who can stand beside a godly man and honor the Lord with marriage. I want that. But it doesn't exist right now. It's like I'm an emotional streetwalker, looking for anything, but I'm not at the point yet where I'll give in to anything that's offered to me, but I won't be surprised if I do some day.

1 comment:

  1. I love you. My reply to your post is here: