101 Dalmations.

I know, that's a really lame post title.

My Grandma passed away today. New Years Eve. It's appropriate, I think. It's been a very long year, and now, at the end of the year, she finished her race. And won.

Tomorrow is a new beginning. My attitude has already shifted a bit from yesterday's gloom. I still really have no idea what the year holds. I don't have any major plans, or ways to fulfill the plans that I DO have.

I have one big commitment in May. That's all I know of right now.

I want to read a lot this year. I have so many book on my shelf that I've never read, and then my aunt gave me a big stack of books for Christmas, none of which I have read.

I love books. I want to read more. I don't really have anything to write about. I just thought that it would be right to state my Grandma's passing here.

2013 is going to be different. Now that Grandma isn't here, the whole dynamic of our home has changed. This whole year, it has been a place to take care of her. Now it's just...the place where we live. It's going to be very interesting to see what thing year brings. Like I said before, it's an empty journal. Each day is a new entry, no matter how dull it might be.

Happy New Year to you all. Thanks for following along with me this year. I've shared a lot with you guys. Writing this blog has really helped me discover myself, and I'm thankful for it. I really love the place that I'm in when it comes to my individuality. I'm so different. This year...I know that it has changed me in so many ways.

A girl that I don't know very well, but admire very much - her name is Arielle - wrote a blog post about her "Favorites from 2012." Music was a big part of her favorites, and I like the idea of it, but my year, as I think about it, was really jam-packed. I did a lot this year. It was...hoo boy.

2012 was quite literally a roller coaster ride. Quite literally.

But I wouldn't change it. I'm thankful for every tear, every laugh, every scream, every failure, every experience. I'm thankful for 2012. It was a very big year.

100.

Well, this is it. My 100th post. Officially, anyway. Some of the posts are private, so you can't see them in the count on the side over there -->

It's still the 100th post.

I wish I was writing on a happier note. For some reason, I feel depressed today. I've been feeling kind of depressed since Christmas. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning - but not in a "OMG I LOVE MY BED SO MUCH" kind of way. In a hopeless way. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to go to the gym, I don't want to go to the cafe, I don't want to go to church, I don't want to do anything that has previously brought me pleasure. I just want to stay in bed. And do nothing.

I know it sounds like I'm just being lazy, but I know when I'm being lazy. This is different. I don't want to see people. I don't want to talk to people.

It's weird. Maybe it's stress. Stress would make a lot of sense.

I have no idea. I don't know if I've ever really felt this way before. I know I have, but I've always had this underlying sense of hope and anticipation about what the future holds.

I was excited about the new year. But now I'm afraid of the unknowns. I don't want to face the future. I was excited about being a single woman, but now it terrifies me. I'm content with it, but I'm not excited.

Something I've really been wanting this past week was a partner. Someone that I could physically lean on, and exchange energy with, as it were. Someone to face it all with. I know, I have parents. I have God. but this is different. I'm sure it's normal. We're created to be partners. And yeah, I've wanted to fall in love with someone for a long time, but this is a different feeling.

I am not called to be single. I ache too much for someone to complete me.

And don't get all on your "Blah blah, you don't need a man to complete you" soap box. It's not true. I don't need a man to comfort my insecurities. But the Bible says that the man and the woman become one flesh. It doesn't say that they stay individuals. They join, and become one.

That's what I'm missing. I'm content as an individual. I like myself. I'm secure with who I am. I know what to do to make myself a better version of myself. I have confidence.

Anyway. I'm sorry that this post is such a downer. I'm sure you understand.

Heaven

I grew up in a Christian home. When you grow up in a Christian home, the tendency is to believe what you're told about Jesus, God, the Devil, Heaven, Hell, etc. You know it in your head, and you believe it because there's really no reason not to.

For me, I didn't realize that I was just "knowing" these things until I went to Bible college. I remember in my first year suddenly having a deep understanding of God's omniscience. It was literally radical. I was SO excited about it. I was like, "OH EM GEE GOD KNOWS LITERALLY EVERYTHING FROM THE LITERALLY BEGINNING TIL THE VERY END OH EM GEE."

Something like that. Then, in my second year, like I shared in a previous post, I had a life-changing understanding of God's love.

I don't remember what God taught me in my third year. I'm sure it was great. Probably trust or something.

Anyway, all my life, I've known about Heaven. It's where the Believer goes when he/she dies. The streets are paved with gold, we become like Christ, and there's no crying or sickness. Awesome. Sounds good to me.

I never really understood it beyond that. I never got really excited about going to Heaven..it just...was the inevitable end for me. No big deal, really. Friends would be like, "I just want to go to heaven because life is so terrible." I'd be like, "But it's life...why want to shut down now? You'll get through it. I mean, I know heaven is great, but...I dunno."

My Grandma is sick. The reality is that she's more likely than not, going to pass away.

I'm okay with that. Not because of how hard taking care of her has been at times. Not because I'm secretly evil and hate old people. But because I believe in heaven.

Only now, I understand Heaven in a very different way. It happened gradually, my understanding. However, watching my Grandma's like unfold the way that it has, being so intimately connected to it helps me see.

It's not JUST that there is no sickness or pain in heaven. It's not JUST walking on streets of gold.

When my Grandma goes to Heaven, (just imagining it now brings me to tears because it's so incredible, and TRUE) she will be able to walk. With straight legs. For all my life, my Grandma has walked with a cane. She's had a crooked leg. Her knee is out of joint. When I came home from college, she went from sometimes using a cane or a walker, to always using a walker. The fact that she was able to do any walking period was a miracle. She's broken a hip, AND bones in both of her legs.

My Grandma will be able to WALK on the streets of gold. With JESUS. He won't have to hold her up because she'll be perfectly capable of supporting herself. She won't have a disconnected knee. Her knee won't be bulging out. It's going to be perfect. 

When my Grandma goes to Heaven, she'll be able to remember everything she has ever forgotten. Everything that old age, dementia, and strokes have wiped from her mind will be restored. Everything that frustrated her because she couldn't remember will no longer frustrate her. She will have a clear mind.

She'll be able to speak perfectly clear. She won't mix up words. She won't speak gibberish. She'll be able to speak clearly. With JESUS. When my Grandma goes to Heaven, she's going to have REAL LIFE conversations with God! It won't be a matter of praying with faith that He hears, she'll KNOW because she's going to SEE HIM FACE TO FACE.

When my Grandma goes to Heaven, she's going to be reunited with all the people that's she been missing for so long. Family, friends, my grandpa. She's going to see them all. And she's going to rejoice with them. She's going to be able to sing, and dance. DANCE. 

When my Grandma goes to Heaven, she won't complain about her hand being numb because it's not going to BE numb. She'll be able to write (I don't know what you'd write in Heaven, but she can do it if she wanted to!)

When my Grandma goes to Heaven, she's going to be in the presence of God. FOREVER. She's going to STAND before His throne and praise Him. She's going to be completely unhindered by illness, and fatigue, and pain.

When my Grandma goes to Heaven, she's not going to be in pain. Pain will be distant memory. She will never feel pain again.

Knowing all of this in my head...and then seeing it for my Grandma. I SEE it for her. I'm so excited for her. I can't WAIT for her to be able to be with JESUS. The Man who died for HER will be there to welcome her with open arms. And she will run to Him, and be able to thank Him the way she always wished she could.

She will be with Jesus. For real. His presence won't be something she has to accept by faith. Her faith will be rewarded with sight.

When my Grandma goes to Heaven, she'll be told, by God Himself, that she was a FAITHFUL servant. She'll be able to see how many hundreds of lives she touched. People she maybe never met. She'll be given her crown, full of precious jewels. She will be honored by all of Heaven as she walks in.

She will welcomed into a place that we can only dream of, here on earth. But she will BE there. And she's going to love it. And she'll be in eternal peace. She will have eternal rest.

I love that she gets to go to heaven. I love that when she takes her last breath, she doesn't have to wait. She'll be there. Instantly. 

It's going to be amazing. It blows my mind every time I think about it. In the end, she wins.

Ninety-eigggght.......

I only have a couple more posts to write before I hit 100 by the end of the year! I love feeling any sense of accomplishment, and even though 100 posts in 365 days is hardly worthy of any applause, I am not ashamed of applauding myself.

After I write two more blog posts.

Anyhow, today, I'm still getting over a mild, but intrusive chest cold. I haven't been to the gym very consistently in a few weeks, and I am just feeling really out of wack. I think it's all the wheat I've been consuming the past couple weeks.

My parents and I stopped eating wheat a couple months ago. My mom and I have noticed a significant difference when we don't eat wheat as opposed to when we do. My dad noticed a little bit of a difference, but not as much.

It's insane!! I gained five fast pounds in a week and a half just from bringing wheat back into my diet - no other changes. It affects everything, though. I amd 95% positive that it's the reason I've been feeling so needlessly tired, and lazy. Today is the first day that I haven't had any wheat, and I already feel better. Totally bizarre, and legitimate. If I was a gym beast, it might be different, but I'm not, so it's irrelevant.

Speaking of being gone forever, I feel like coming up with some New Years Resolutions. I know it's fairly early yet for them, but hey. I don't care.

1a) Don't eat wheat. Now that I am officially convinced of it's evils, and that it hates me, I am no longer going to partake willy-nilly. The only time will resign this resolution is when I go to Paris, other literally once-in-a-lifetime experiences, and once-in-a-blue-moon connolis (I love them too much.) Otherwise, no. I know it soulds like I'm giving myself a lot of wiggle room, buwhen you consider how many things contain wheat, I'm really not.

1b) Be more committed in general to my overall health and fitness.

1c)Buy new running shoes.

2) Pay off the last $45 dollars of my Mt. Zion debt, resulting in getting my certificate, and having access to my official transcripts.

3) Complete a FAFSA and get started on continuing my education.

4) Pursue being more involved in my church.

5) Read more classic literature, including all of Shakespeare's work.

6) See Anberlin when they are in Boston in March (That's not really a resolution...but I'm fairly resolved to do it.)

7) Get a job, and save money.

8) Make a greater effort to keep in touch with my friends.

9) Get a handle on Boston and the T system.

10) Start learning the guitar again.

EDIT: 11) find a pottery class to take!

Enough for now.

Making Christmas, making Christmas, LA LA LA.

If you are a Nightmare Before Christmas fan, you can sing that, and it makes sense.

Well, yesterday was Christmas! It was a nice day. My parents and I had a nice afternoon. I woke up first (as usual,) and went to Starbucks to buy us some Christmas blend for the day. We had a bet that if I could keep my room clean for a week, loser buys Christmas morning coffee. I obviously lost. It's kind of embarrassing, but I blame the fact that my room got bombarded with Christmas gifts and stuff. I'm making excuses.

Anyway, we had our traditional coffee and cinnamon rolls, and opened our stockings first.

I GOT THE DARK KNIGHT RISES. That's all that matters. It's a fancy shpancy two disc special edition which is amaaaazinggggg. I would have been this excited about the regular dvd. She also got me a little Batman figurine, which I got way too excited about. She told me that she almost got me a cape and mask, but decided against it because she knew I would wear it.

The best line of the day was probably, "It was...interesting...to be shopping in the BOY section..because it said very clearly, 'BOY'...so I pretended I was shopping for my little son, not my...21 year old daughter." Ahhhhh, me. I told my mom that I think I'm making up for all the time that I didn't dress up and pretend to be a princess or something.

So, now, as I make up for lost time, I'm Batman. >_>

That's the only gift I'm going to talk about. Everything, really, was great, but I feel weird listing out what I got. It's silly. However, I will brag on what my aunt Joy gave me. She gave me a lithograph print of a Van Gogh painting. It's gorgeous. It's incredible. It's hanging above my bed. I looked up what the lithograph printing process is, and it's really intense. Really.

So, Batman and Van Gogh. Two vastly different things that make me equally happy.

I'm a closet materialist. I don't really like talking about things people give me. Things that I purchase for myself, it's different somehow. But I do love being given things, and I love enjoying them.

I'm looking forward to New Years. I love fresh starts. Fresh, new years are no exception, It's like a gigantic empty, journal of life that you know is full of potential. I love looking at journals. You can buy fun ones, pretty ones, simple ones...you know it's a great journal, but you have no idea what you'll write inside of it. That is all to come.

I like that. I'll write another post about my "resolutions."

In other news, I'm thinking of trying to approach Starbucks again. I had such a great interview in Newburyport, I might try one more time. We'll see. Because now I'm more confident in my ability to learn the machines and drink recipes. I can actually sell myself a little bit.

I JUST WANT TO MAKE COFFEE FOR PEOPLE, ALWAYS. The Lord knows that.

I can trust Him.

I WAS CAUGHT IN A GANG FIGHT.

How's THAT for eye-grabbing? Yeahhh.

I'm stressed these days. Last night I had a complete emotional breakdown, complete with those asphyxiating kind of sobs.

I guess at some point, I need to turn to the Lord when I'm so blatantly faced with the terror of my own humanity. I'm really a terrible human being. I don't deserve anything nice, and yet I'm blessed with so much. Open doors into work that I sincerely love, a small amount of friends, all of whom mean so much to me, a car that manages to have a full tank at some point every week, parents that are sincerely there for me and support me, and tolerate with a genuine smile my ridiculous side. I've come to a place of loving myself, and being comfortable in my own skin. I have a church. I have a small group. I've been working out for free for over a year.

I'm exceedingly blessed and I deserve none of it. I'm horrible.

In my second year of Bible college, I did something that, to me, was just the peak of any bad that I could do. I disobeyed a big rule of the college, and in doing so went against my own personal standards, and in turn, caused pain for people that I loved the most (geez, could that part have been any more dramatic? It's true, though.)

I felt so terrible. I had lied to, and betrayed one of my girlfriends. It was the worst charade I've ever been a part of. It really was. I completely blame myself because in retrospect, I had been so manipulative of other people involved, and it was something that haunted me for about a year.

During that time of feeling like I was the worst person on earth, I realized that I didn't have a personal understanding of God's love for me. I knew it in my head, but I didn't know it in my heart. It's impossible to believe the promises of God with just our head. They have to be real inside our hearts, or else we will crumble.

I knew that Romans 8 was the "God's Love and Not Being Bound to Sin" chapter, so that's what I read to try and understand His love. I read it over, and over, and over again. Romans was so confusing to me. I didn't get it. I asked the Lord to make it real to me. I kept reading Romans 8 over and over again. And then suddenly, one day, it clicked into place. Like doing a puzzle and trying to find that one piece and you try to stick so many other pieces into the spot, and then suddenly...one fits. Perfectly. It makes the picture a little more clear.

I got it. I wrote a sermon for class on it. I believed it. I knew it was real, and I knew that it was true for me and everyone else around me. It revolutionized my relationship with God and how I saw Him. He wasn't sitting up in heaven glaring down at me for being selfish and disobedient. He was loving me, and being patient with me, and giving me another chance to repent and become more like Him, and to make things right.

Things did go right, eventually. It took a long time, but I'm still friends with the people involved.

And now, I'm faced with the Love of God again. I've changed a lot since my second year. Mostly for the better, but the past few months have been a season of personal rebellion, and though I've made it right with the Lord, and my heart is to honor Him, truly, I'm dealing with the consequences of rebellion. There's habits that I fell into that I need to get out of only with help from the Spirit. There's attitudes that I embraced that I really need to stop defaulting to because they're negative attitudes that no one wants to be around, and they benefit no one.

There are lessons to learn. Unfortunately, I tend to be someone who is willing to learn them the more difficult way. There are some that I'm not willing to learn the hard way, but man..I'm crazy. It's like I weigh my options of "badness" and go for it if it doesn't seem like it'll be too big of a deal. It's a terrible attitude to have. I need to mature. Spiritually, emotionally.

We all do, but dang, I am lacking.

In other news, Grandma is home..well, she's not inside yet, but the ambulance just got here. Cookie packing is tomorrow. Thankfully more people have committed to helping, which is great. I'm nervous about heading it alone, but it'll be okay. As long as cookies and candy get packed up, we'll be good.

I had an idea for a post.

I'll try to rememe...oh wait, I remember.

First, this is my 94th post. I'm going to try to hit 100 by New Years Eve. It shouldn't be too hard. This is a busy time of year, plenty to talk about.

Alright, well, to catch up.

My time at the Cafe has been amazing. I love it. Unfortunately, it's coming to an end soon. I'm actually legitimately disheartened by this. It's not for any bad reason, but when I proposed the idea, I think I came across as wanting to get a little bit of experience so that I could find a job, or know how to get my own business off the ground.

Well, this is true to a point, but I really just want to make coffee for people. If I have to make it for free, then I'm okay with that. Anyway, this past Thursday, when I was getting ready to leave, Mohammad was talking to me and saying that he thinks I'm doing really well, and I'll probably need two or three more days and I can move on.

I'm kind of hoping that what feels like a sudden dismissal isn't because it's "come out" (for lack of a better phrase,) that I'm an inexperienced, floundering Bible college graduate who's dad is the Prison Chaplain. I'm 90% sure that I'm just being paranoid, but I am 10% sure that I may be onto something.

I know that I haven't done anything to push my beliefs around, so..I'm just paranoid. Oh well.

Anyway, more proof that I'm paranoid, it didn't all end badly. He told me that he wants to extend the store hours sometime soon, and after he builds up the shift a little bit, he'd give me a call.

However, he might just be making me feel better >_> I'M SO PARANOID. I need to stop. The Lord brought me to this point, and it all happened the way that it has for a reason. Things will work out the way that they're supposed to, I just can't let my insecurity and fear screw me up.

But I really love being at the Cafe. I love it so much. I'm sad about being done, even though I'm not done yet. I've gotten to chat with some of the other guys that work there, and it's been nice. Each of them, John and Nouredeen, kind of did that same thing I'm doing. John was studying business management, and came to the cafe to do an internship kind of thing so that he could open his own business, and the manager at the time was looking to hire, so he ended up getting a job there. That was about four years ago, I think. Nouredeen, Mohammad's brother, was in Morocco before coming here, and for a week before he left, he went to a restraunt to train in the indsutry, as it were.

So, I guess since I have no idea what to do with myself after this, I feel kind of like I've been tossed out into the ocean of the world and though left with some good advice (John said that NECC has a good business program, which is good to know,) I'm just a girl who doesn't know what going on! And I'm poor!

*deep breath* I'm okay. I'm way too dramatic, and too easily excited, whether in a good way or a bad way. It'll be fine. I still have a few days. Anything could happen.

Moving on! It's a week until Christmas! We've already had one Christmas outreach, at the Middleton facility, and it was great! So many guys came out, and nothing went wrong. Even the Officers that were there were amazed. We were all walking out just laughing and having a great time.

We had more than enough bags, which is great because we can give them to guys at halfway houses and discipleship groups and stuff.

This week is busy. Getting ready for the Christmas Eve service at the FARM. All kinds of stuff going on. I have to make some Christmas gifts. I don't even have gifts for some people. It kind of stinks. I either have no idea what to get them, or I'm too poor to get them anything.

Next Christmas. I always feel bad at Christmas time. I know it's not about gifts, really, but I love giving gifts, and I always feel bad when I come up with a lot of ideas for one person, and the other person almost nothing. And I get gifts.

CHRISTMAS IS UNFAIR. MERRR. I need to collaborate with my mom. And also $1000.

Anyway, 100 posts before 2013! Yes. (This is really just me being OCD.)

I take credit for that.

No, you don't need to know what I'm talking about, but I totally take credit for it. Maybe not all the credit, but definitely some. I definitely played a part.

HAH! Anyway.

Church was great. I love my church. I love that even though socially I feel awkward because I don't really know anyone, and the people I do know go to different services, spiritually, I feel at home. I went up to the altar call today. I was able to have a legitimate altar experience with the Lord. That just...has never happened outside of Bible college. Okay, maybe at some youth rallies and my first year at Church Camp, when I got filled with the Holy Spirit.

I went to their program tonight, which ended up being kind of a kids Christmas craft night, which is fine, but I felt out of place. One of the Pastors was standing up in the foyer, and I met her before slipping out.

My genetic tendency toward being an introvert totally made sense, though. It was all held downstairs in the basement, it was dark, crowded, and again - I didn't know anyone. I just felt stressed out. If I had had a friend, or was more outgoing, it may have gone differently, but I'm glad I left. At least I tried, right? haha

I'm almost done with Christmas shopping.

I'm not sure why I'm blogging. I need to go to sleep. I have a long day tomorrow.

This post has no point. I just love my church. I am content. I am hopeful. I am a little manic. It's okay. I'm still sane.

O_O

I'm going nuts. My mind is going crazy. I'm not even confused, I'm just in a whirl. I need to be distracted. Every time I sit down and I'm left with my thoughts, I think and think and think and I'm just....feeling like I'm going crazy.

And it's like, I don't feel like I need to spew out all of my feelings, and try to convince anyone of anything, I'm okay keeping it inside, and to myself, and trusting the Lord with all, but I feel CRAZY. I feel like I want to be spontaneous and just go do something to get my mind off of THIS.

Cleaning doesn't help. Watching a movie in my room doesn't help. Reading doesn't help. On this particular day, EVERYTHING is a trigger.

Literally everything.

Maybe I have mental problems. Maybe I'm clinically insane. Maybe this is what schizophrenia is like. I hope not. Maybe I believe too much. Maybe I'm believing so much today that my brain just can't handle it all.

I am a thinker. I'm an over-thinker. But I'm not even over-thinking. I'm going through everything that is real, and has actually happened. Just over and over and over again.

I'm not imagining things that COULD happen. Well, okay. That's a lie. Maybe a little bit. But...UHHGGG. It's like, I know that I'm being completely rational about my life and I know the reality of my life, and then there's THIS.

*deep exhale*

I'm fine. Thanks for asking. I'll be okay. I just need to remind myself of things, and become stoic again. I'll be fine. I'll just go back into denial and maybe my head will calm down.

I'm not a mess. I have myself together. I'm fine. I'M JUST _____ __ ____.

I didn't say that. See? You can't see what I said. Or didn't say.

BUHHHHHH. Okay. I'm done. I just need to get out this energy.  My fingers aren't typing fast enough for this.

I'm fine. I'm just over-excited about working at the Cafe. Yeah. That's it.

Yeah. Denial. That's all I need. It's fine. It's good. I'm just a regular person who makes everyone think she's a nutcase by blogging like a crazy person.

Please don't judge me. Just continue to accept me for the girl you are friends with and love for all her quirks.

Thanks.

So, I was talking to my mom...

Back in college, the only person I really made phone calls to was my mom. More often than not we went over the allotted thirty minutes. Anyhow, when talking to friends, I'd very frequently start sentences with "So, I was talking to my mom..." and then went on from there.

Well, I talk to my mom a lot. A few months ago, while I was in the pit of despair and rebellion, I was crying and venting to her about how "Blah, blah, I want a job, blah, I hate the world." something to that extent. She would be nice, and then she would say, "Hannah, I think you should be going into the prison with your father. I don't know why, and I could be wrong, but I really think you should start doing that again."

This made me mad. Like, angry. I didn't WANT to go into the prison. I didn't WANT to wake up at the crack of dawn to take a shower because chances were good that dad would still be in the shower, and I would have to wait, and be sleepy, and cold, and then have no time to get ready.

And yet, deep down, I knew that she was right, and that if I went into prison, everything would probably begin to sort itself out. However, I wanted to do it the hard way. I didn't want to start going inside because I knew that it would magically fix my life. I figured that was somehow making God a magician.

I'm really stubborn. I like to ignore good advice and wait until I'm good and ready to do things the way they are suggested to me. I have to come to that point on my own. Which is funny, because I usually try to force people to see the light about things. IT'S SO OBVIOUS THAT THIS IS HOW IT SHOULD BE DUH. I've changed a lot, and I don't do that as much as I used to, but I was an oxymoron. Emphasis on moron, I think :P

Instead, I think it in my head, and say to myself, "It's ok. Everyone has to learn their own way." Because really, you just can't change anyone. I can only do my part to live out the truth that needs to be seen by others. In spiritual, and practical ways.

WELL. One day, after my trip to New York to visit with Ashley and Allix, where God met me in church and I began to truly believe that I was going to be okay, I felt ready to go back into the prison with my dad. My problem was also, I think, seeing it like I was being forced into ministry. I didn't want to be on call to randomly speak something spiritual in chapel. But now, I saw it as helping my dad, not being forced into ministry.

So, I went in with my dad. I do go in with my dad, rather. I might have to make some schedule changes now, because of Wicked Big, but I still go in with him.

Okay. So, here's where it get's funny. Since I've gone into the prison, my life has gotten better.

Mmhmm. Just like I knew deep down that it would. Sure, it's not all peaches and cream, but the things that I longed for? Getting them, slowly but surely. The Lord has opened the door for me to get into the coffee world. That was what I was fighting for for months, but He kept shutting the doors. So I got mad. Relationships are changing for the better. I trust the Lord again. I'm happy. I'm losing weight. I don't wake up angry anymore. I'm busy. I don't make a lot of money, but I make just enough to get through a couple weeks.

So, really. If there's something that you know the Lord wants you to do NOW, just do it. I know, it can take time to feel okay with it. I know, resenting God, and thinking that you aren't getting what you deserve makes it hard to obey.

But believing cliches actually helps. God does truly work things out for those who love him and are called according to HIS purpose, not our own. It could literally be anything. Stop watching that TV show. Stop listening to that music.

Stop resenting God for not following through with what YOU believed for. He isn't a liar, and He doesn't play games with us. Once we stop believing that we know what's best, and accept disappointment (not that that means we stop being disappointed. Life is hard.) But once we accept it, and WORK AT MOVING FORWARD, WITHOUT RESENTING GOD, then things can begin to change. Our heart plays a big part in how God can work in our lives.

Today was my favorite day.

Honestly, from beginning to end, it was just so great.

For starters, although I enjoy going into the prison with my dad, I really didn't want to this morning. I woke up anyway, got dressed, and found out that dad wasn't going until later, and I should just go back to bed. I did not complain. He then ended up not going later, and I woke up with time to get ready to go to Wicked Big. It was mildly stressful, because I forgot to write a "I will take responsibility for anything that happens to me" letter, but dad wrote it for me, and I got there on time. If anything bad DID happen, it was trying to park. Downtown Haverhill is whack when it comes to parking. It's either two hours for free, or you have to pay, or it's for the apartment residents only. I was parallel parking. By the 5th try, and finally getting over all the gangsters judging my bad parking skills, I finally got it.

I then walked into the Cafe. Mohammed read my letter, said it was fine, invited me behind the counter, and then from there is was like a dream come true. Honestly, I had to tell myself to stop grinning so big, because people would think I'm crazy. That's how exciting it was to stand behind the counter and see the espresso machine, and the cups, and the steam wands, and the syrups, and to be so close to the gigantic chalkboard in the back, and know that I am finally going to be a part of it all. It was amazing.

He showed me the machines, how they worked, where to find things, etc. Then, some customers came in, they ordered, and he made the drinks, showing me how to do it and explaining the difference between a latte and a cappuccino. I had no idea what the difference was, but now I do.

I made a few hot chocolates, a few lattes, served some regular coffees...that wasn't hard. Ultimately, I think I have the methods down so far, but I am MESSY. My hands aren't conditioned to the equipment. (Mo asked me, "Oh, are you a lefty?" I said yes, and asked if it was going to wreak havoc. He laughed and said, "Yes.")

So, I pour awkwardly and make messes, and it's a little difficult to get a handle on foam. It's okay, it's just my first day. There are going to be more.

(At this point, I had to stop. I'm picking this up today, Wednesday.)

Speaking of which, when I was getting ready to leave, he just kind of said that I could come in a second day if I wanted to (to which I said, "HECK YEAH." Not quite, but close.) So, after my first day, I am scheduled to come in twice a week. TWICE A WEEK! I'm so freaking excited.

Also exciting, in the same conversation, when he was encouraging me about how doing everything is just a matter of practice, like driving, he was like, "You know, and maybe you'll go and do your own thing, or you could get a job here...just takes practice."

It was almost mumbled, and I thought I misheard him, but I know what I heard. I heard him say that I could get a job there.

I know. It's only been one day. And it was pretty slow. But despite being incapable of pouring, and putting enough foam into a cappuccino, I obviously didn't do too poorly. I don't think I did, for a first time, anyway. But I know I can definitely do better. Once I feel more comfortable with everything, and become more confident in the reality that I can do it.

I know I can. Also fascinating is that I found myself actually asking questions because I sincerely wanted to know the answers. I didn't just stand around like, "Merrrrr....I'm just a weird girl who likes coffee." I mean, I did that too, but I also found myself engaged in everything that was going on. I guess it's on me to be interested, anyway. I am the one who walked in out of the blue and asked to do this.

Also, yesterday, I got talk to a friend of mine, which was great. We've been trying to get a hold of each other for a few days now, and we finally got to talk for a while last night. Like I told him, I think the last time we spoke over the phone was in August. That feels like centuries ago. Like, just in general. August? What? It feels like it's only September, but it's actually December, and August was a long time ago.

I also went to the Young Adult group I've kind of joined..kinda. I don't go to the church, but I enjoy it nonetheless.

It was, all in all, just a really superb day. Between, doing what I love, talking to one of my best friends, and also having a late night craft project with my parents for our Advent calendar, it was just all good.

Today is a little slower. I have a workout later, and I need to do some work around the house. And set up my Christmas village! The Advent item for today is perfect for it.

So, yes. And tomorrow, I will be back at Wicked Big, learning and doing more. So happy.

I never catch the whole Mumford & Sons song on the radio.

It's true. I always get there during the "People are probably tired of hearing the chorus over and over, let's stop singing" part.

I also never catch Gangnam Style, or Dynamite. I always get them near the end. Stinks.

Well, this has been a really long week, feels like. I skipped church last Sunday, because I was tired, and running low on gas. I didn't have babysitting on Monday, which was nice because again, I was low on gas. I went to the Prison with dad on Tuesday, and organized reading materials/cleaned up his office some more. I don't know what happened after those two days...I worked at the gym, and had workouts. Things really didn't get going until Friday, because I got paid some monies and could live my life a little bit.

Story!

Thursday night, I was washing the dishes, and thinking about what to do the next day. Mom and dad were taking grandma to a doctor appointment, so I figured I'd go out. My plan was to go read at Wicked Big, an indie coffee house in Haverhill that I've always really liked, even before I went inside, but never get to go to as often as I like because their hours are easy to miss. It's tiny, but they're food and coffee are good, and the atmosphere is cozy, and I've been slowly slipping away from my Starbucks craze and falling in love with the independent scene. Don't get me wrong, I frequent Starbucks all the time. I don't have much choice because they're open until 9 pm, not 5 pm. It's easier to hang out there.

Anyway, forgive my rabbit trail. So, I'm washing dishes. Thinking about going to Wicked Big. Suddenly, an idea pops into my head: "I wonder if Wicked Big would let me volunteer as a barista?" The idea is so out of this world that I'm thinking about it more, and figuring how I could ask about it, and if they'd be willing to do that....take someone in and teach them how to make coffee? "They would HAVE to be open to the idea, if they weren't going to pay me..."

Similar to my gym phenomenon, I'm pretty this idea was God-sent. I tell my mom about the idea, and she mulls it over a little bit, and says that she thinks it's a good idea. I mean, the worst that could happen is that they would say no, right? Yeah, pretty much.

So, I'm excited. This could be my in to the coffee world, finally! I go to bed feeling pretty good about it, hoping that I don't lose my nerve to ask in the morning.

When I wake up, a lot is ging through my head. "Should I ask? Should I even go today? What if it's busy? If it's busy I won't ask. What if the manager isn't there? I'll definitely lose my nerve by Monday. No, I have to go. I have to! It's my only chance to ask."

So, go I did. As an answer to prayer, it was not busy, and the manager happened to be the only guy working. I had kind of rehearsed how to present the idea, and when he was free to talk, I kind of just put it out there.

"Have you considered...would you be open to the idea of a..volunteer barista?" His eyebrows raised, interested. I told him about how this is something that I really want to do (which he replied to with a surprised, "Really?"), that I tried to get work at Starbucks, but they wouldn't hire me because I have no experience. I told him that I'd like to have my own coffee shop one day, but I can't do that until I learn how to make coffee and stuff!

He was really nice about it, and to my absolute surprise, he said yes right away! He said that I'd need to write a letter saying that I'd take responsibility for anything that could happen to me, hopefully not, and we discussed when I could come in (Tuesday afternoons.)

I don't think he (his name is Mohammad, by the way,) knows quite how thrilled I am that he's letting me do this. I am THRILLED. I'm so excited that I FINALLY get to do what I've been wanting to do for so long.

My mom swayed me into the fact that technically, I'm not going to be a volunteer. I'm an apprentice, because I'm learning "the trade," as it were. I'm totally cool with that. Who knows what all of this could lead to?? I'm just thrilled to pieces, though.

It's possible, I suppose, that I could end up hating this, and never want to own a business, and never want to make coffee for people, but I don't think so.

I think I would have hated working at Starbucks. I don't think I'm a corporate, "work for the man" kind of girl. I'm happy to benefit from people who do work for the man, though. I dig corporations.

So, thank you, workers of corporate America. Life wouldn't be the same without you.

I've also gotten a good handful of Christmas shopping done this weekend. I'm done shopping for about three people, but I have a couple solid idea for a couple others. My dad, Jill & Kate, and my cousins, Nic and Kyle are who I have no idea for. Zilch. Nada. Nothing. No clue.

I hate that! You'd think after a few years of knowing my dad I'd be able to think of something :P

Oh, well. Maybe I can find old emails with Christmas lists in them...people probably haven't changed too much.

Unfortunately, there aren't any gifts that I'm giving that I'm like, SO EXCITED about. I mean, they're really nice, and I like them, but you know how it feels to be like, "OH EM GEE I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO OPEN YOUR GIFTSSSSS!!!!!!" I love that feeling. I love buying gifts for people, so it's lame sauce when I can't think of anything awesome.

OH! I need to do my advent calendar item for today!

So, things are going well. I did get some surprising, and momentarily unsettling news this week, on Thursday, but since Thursday, things have been such a blur of excitement, that my emotions have settled down about it.

I still have mixed feelings, though.

Anyhow, that's my life. Back to a normal (but new!) schedule this week. It's Christmastime, and I'm really happy about it.

I don't mind Buble, but I still don't want him on my Sinatra station.

Well! Hello, readers :) Awww, isn't that precious? I just called you readers. It's like I'm really a blogger. Well, I am really a blogger, but you know what I mean. As much as the dramatist would love for my blog to become something that tons of people come and read, it probably won't because I'm not really a big deal. Maybe when I have my coffee shop :)

Anyway, a lot has been going on. Inside my head, and in life, and I haven't blogged in a while, so I figured before I start writing too many long Facebook statuses about all my thoughts, I should just blog :)

I hope you all had a lovely Thanksgiving. I know I certainly did. It was absolutely my favorite Thanksgiving. It was the first one in four years that I've had with my entire family. It was stress-free, it was fun, and the food was delicious. I love that Auntie Jill and Kate can be here for both Thanksgiving and Christmas, instead of one or the other (although getting Christmas packages in the mail IS very fun.)

Here's a picture of me and my family. My cousins, Beth and Allison, started a photography business and they posed us all really nicely. We all look great!

SO. Thanksgiving was a winner. Loved it. I'm looking forward to Christmas.

The next topic that has been on my mind is running. I've begun to cross the threshold of running a consistent three miles. I went out...two days ago. I left at 3 pm, and figured that I'd be out for probably 45 minutes. I didn't decide to shoot for three miles until I started my run, and as I finished, I figured I should head back to get my water bottle before my workout at 4. I walk in, check the clock, and it says that it's 3:30! What the what?? I ran three miles in thirty minutes! I am still amazed with myself.

Seriously, I was never, ever a runner. I never thought that I would be. I thought that I would just walk, always. But I always WANTED to be a runner. I was just too embarrassed to let people hear my huffing and puffing, and I thought that would all be judging me for being a fat kid trying to run.

I don't know when my mindset changed, but I came to the point where I figured, "This is where I'm at with my fitness. I can get better, the more I do it. I am who I am, and I can't hide it. I can only change it, and if I listen to music, I can tune out the world and my thoughts about the word." When I first started, I could only run about half a mile, and then walk the rest. Then I could barely do a mile. Then I could do 1.5 and then two. And then I could really do 2 miles. When I started, I still thought about what people thought of me, but now I just go. This last time I went, my iPod was dead, so I ran without music. One lady who was walking, smiled at me and said, "Good job!" It was odd, but really nice at the same time.

I love knowing that I can do this. I love that I don't care what people think anymore. I love that I'm not as consumed with my image as I have been for YEARS. I mean, journals. I went through a bunch of old journals yesterday. My journal from high school, all I talked about, literally, was boys and losing weight, and wanting to become really good at straightening my hair. I hated myself. I had such terrible self-image.

In my college journals, all I talked about was making health/fitness plans and goals, and figuring out who my future husband was. Only I wrote prayers to God about it all, thinking that by doing that, it would make some miracle happen and I'd become skinny right away, and fall in love right away.

(For kicks, my journal from when I was 9-14ish, all I wrote about was hot celebrities and the boy I had a huge crush on from church, and concerts. HA. It was hilarious.)

I'm so, so, thankful that I'm not that way, anymore. I'm the same girl, but with a much healthier attitude about it all. I still want to lose weight, but not so I can attract some guy. I want to just live a healthy lifestyle. It's not even a matter of feeling comfortable in my own skin. I am! Finally, for the first time in my life!

I still want to get married, but words can't even describe how NOT like my old self I am, now. I don't even know how to describe it. If you knew me at all, you'll just have to trust me. Sometimes it seems like I'm still the same, but I'm really not. If anything, I'm usually joking around and playing the desperate game.

It's like Pastor Teresa told us last year. It was the "Year of Freedom," and she said that freedom wasn't just there, but it's the rest of the year. It goes beyond just the class of 2011. Maybe that's what's happening, if I can be allowed to sound weirdly spiritual. That I'm just becoming free from my "bondage of insecurity." It's nice, because I don't know how free I really felt at the end of my third year. I think I might have hyped myself into it. I don't know, anymore. I hardly remember anything :P That's a lie. I remember a lot.

Well. Let's see. I know I've been talking about myself a lot, but um...it's my blog. That's kind of the point.

I'm excited for Christmastime for the first time in a long time. My Aunt Jill puts up a Christmas Village every year, and this year, she's given me some things to start my own - I'm really excited about putting it up. I love designing things and creating stuff like that :)

I'm also looking forward to snow. Didn't care last year, but this year I'm happy about it. I blame Evan, the bank teller. Every time I go cash a check, he and I talk about how cold it's getting, and he says how he is totally ready for winter and snow. I think I've been swayed by his passion for being cold, haha.

Hmmm. I think that's about it. I feel good, these days. I feel hopeful, in spite of life, and times when things are more than just challenging. I don't hate my life, anymore. I don't hate living in my house. I'm content. I'm trusting the Lord again.

It's really nice.

__ ___________

Rude. Very disrespectful. The biggest fake I know. Prejudiced. Obnoxious. Egotistical. Not Christ-like. Two-faced.

That's __ ___________.

This post is titled.

Okay, look. I think it might be official. It's hard for me to be declarative because I'm dubious of really wonderful things, however, this...I don't know how long I can stay dubious for.

I think I found a church. To attend, every week. It's an Assemblies of God church, which is surprising to me because I had, until this point, written off the AG as a bunch of weirdies who have tried too hard to become modern and got soft as a result.

That is not true for this church. It's unreal. It's unlike any other church I've been to in New England. I don't feel judged, and I don't find myself judging anyone...mainly because I don't feel judged. I feel comfortable worshiping the Lord. I raise my hands in worship, and I pray in tongues. What? I mean, freely. Like, it feels right to do it. I don't feel like I have to make myself do it so that I can convince myself I'm spiritual. It just happens.

I don't even know. The Word from the Pastor is solid, he doesn't seem to make the truth easier to swallow. He says it like it is, but with love. It's completely different. People think that watering things down is just being loving...it's not.

Like I said, I may be building them up too much because it's hardly possible for a church so great to exist, but I'm almost willing to let myself believe it.

I have walls up about church. Which is weird, because I'm a Christian. But it's not out of the ordinary, because I'm a Christian.

Anyway. I really love my church. It's only been three services, but I'm pretty sure this will last for a while. I hope so, anyway. I mean, worship isn't a show...or completely dead and lacking in the Spirit.

The Holy Spirit makes all the difference, guys. All the difference.

In other news, there isn't much to say. I love Anberlin. They're going to be in Connecticut this month. I really want to go. I invited a couple people, but no luck. I REALLY want to see them, guys. Please, someone. Anyone. Come with me, okay? They even have a song called Someone, Anyone. It's a sign.

Leggings.

I'm wearing a pair. Willingly. I have no idea who I am anymore.

In other news, I am honestly, doing quite well, and it surprises even me. I have more self confidence than ever, which leads to me doing brave and daring things that I would only think about doing in the past. Never would I ever actually go through with them. I'm shocked, really.

I started volunteering at my local library this week. They're in the middle of re-barcoding all the books in the Library. I was there for two hours, and got a lot done, which made me happy. I also went in to the prison with my dad, and got a lot done. I really do get a lot of satisfaction out of being productive for others.

The New Brothers Volunteer Appreciation Dinner was last night, also a good time.

Hmm. It was a nice week. Busy, long...did all my laundry, WHAT. I really don't have much else to  say, though.

Thrilling!

Well, this past week has been, in a couple words, quite fantastic! It hasn't been easy, but it hasn't been like a "regular" week. I've gotten pretty upset a few times, but I haven't been waking up mad every day. I've come to a much more realistic state of mind...about a lot of things.

Concerning my general life, I've accepted the fact that it's my time to stay home and help my mom with Grandma. No matter how many applications I put out, I'm simply not going to get a "real job" any time soon. Or ever, possibly. The Lord has opened the door to weekly provision that, when used the right way, will fill my car with gas, pay off my monthly phone bill, HAS paid off my Mt. Zion debt (YAY!!!!) will help pay for car insurance, and once in a while, leave money leftover for random fun things. Oh, also Christmas gifts. I can't wait to start Christmas shopping!) And that dumb doctor's bill from when I had MRSA over internship...anyway. I digress.

When I really thought about it, I realized that the Lord HAD made provision for my NEEDS. Not my wants. The Bible says that He does. "But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus" Philippians 4:19. Where I had fallen was thinking, nay, insisting, that my wants qualified as needs. And I was mad at God for holding me back, keeping me stuck in this house while life passed me by.

But it's not. I'm in it, moving along with it, and He has provided for my needs.

I also found myself open to volunteering again. I used to be really into it, and then I got back from college and was like, "Gotta make mad monies, yo." And that consumed me. But again, what does the Bible say?

"Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Matthew 6:31-34

So, what I'm trying to say is, I let myself believe the Enemy, and was living contrary to the Word of God. Intentionally, and unintentionally.

Volunteering. Once I became settled into the fact that my job is to stay home and help my mom, I was like, "Well, I still have a lot of free time, so...I should do stuff." The idea popped into my head when I was thinking about how culturally lacking I am - so I was checking out the MFA site, and saw that they take volunteers...looked into it with a few museums, and then was like, "Hey! What about the Library?" So I checked it out yesterday, and I'm in. I'll be going in on Monday evenings.

I'm also going to go back into the prison with dad to help him with office stuff, on Tuesdays. I used to have mixed (okay, maybe more like negative) feelings about this because I felt like every time my mom told me to go in, I thought she was pushing me into doing ministry stuff. And it ticked me off. But..I don't see it that way, anymore.

I also do some babysitting for a homeschool group that meets at my old church. Monday mornings, and it's a nice little bit of extra income. I have some potty-trainers, which is a little nerve-wracking, but oh well.

And then, of course, there is still the gym. I love the gym. Billy is so great. I mean, talk about provision - I STILL get to work out three times a week, for free, in exchange for like, five hours of work a week. That's at most. It still amazes me. If the Lord hadn't opened that door, my health would...not be what it is today. No way. I don't want to think about what would haven happened to my body if I hadn't walked in that day and asked about doing a trade off.

Seriously though, my attitude about my health has radically changed over the past few months. I used to feel weird at the gym and judge myself against how others were doing...how fast they lost weight, etc...I would only walk outside because I was insecure. I'm not, anymore. If I'm not losing weight quickly, I know it's on me, and I make changes. I am my own person, and what other people do doesn't define me. I freaking go running, now. I NEVER in a million years thought I'd go running. Outside. During the day. Ask anyone. And I love it! I'm not really fast, and I usually can only go two miles, but I DON'T CARE. I don't give up on myself anymore, and I know I'm going to get better!

I'm busy, and I didn't notice or care, because I was convinced that I was in the wrong place. But now I know otherwise. I'm in the right place, and to quote Jim Elliot, my hero:

"Wherever you are, be all there. Live to the Hilt of every situation you believe to be the will of God."

Not to say that I don't fail miserably. Not to say I do it all right, now. I don't. But it's okay.

I'm hoping that I'll be able to get back into school, soon. I want to get my Biblical Studies degree out of the way. I also have discovered that social psychology is my niche. I have a Psycho book from high school, and I started reading that chapter yesterday. It's EXACTLY what I talk about when I say I want to study Psychology. Love it. I want to do a lot, really, when it comes to school. I won't go off on it all now, but...know that I really want to get back into school.

Ahhh. That's all. I know it was long, but it was so positive, right? Super duper.

Changes.

I make changes all the time. Usually inner changes, sometimes lifestyle changes..I enjoy change. I like setting goals for myself.

I called my friend Anna tonight. I'm terrible at calling people - like, I'm surprised I still have friends. Anyway, I was thinking today, I'm not sure what about exactly, but I thought to myself, "I haven't talked to Anna in WEEKS. I say that she's my best friend, but I NEVER talk to her. If I want to stay her best friend, I need to make a better effort to talk to her. Same thing with Allix, and anyone else that I love. I'm just lame, and I accept it. However, I made plans to talk to her, flopped when she tryed calling me, and then guess what? I CALLED HER BACK. It's a miracle! I never call people back!

I'm amazed. And then, she and I went on to talk for an hour, and it was great. Because I miss her a lot. And things she said, though she said them conversationally, were things I needed to hear.

If you read my previous post, you'd know that I feel like I'm going to be okay, and that even though life is insane, it'll work out in the end...instead of being the end. Dramatic, I know, but it's the truth. Sometimes it feels endless. Anyhow, this time around, instead of taking "feeling good" as "everything is over" and then being disappointed when things get hard again, I'm of the mindset that, "Yes, things are still hard, and sometimes it'll be a little easier, sometimes it's going to be straight up hell, but I am not a failure. I'm human, I'm growing, and the goal is to learn how to go to the Lord when I feel upset or stressed, not wallow, and feel bad for myself."

Oh, get this. So, I went to a youth group party thing tonight, and I got a little lost, and thankfully, I found the church not long after I got lost, in a torrential downpour.

On the way home, however, When I got into my car it wasn't raining, and by the time I got to the end of the street, it was raining again. Great. And it is REALLY dark. Between clouds and nighttime, it was almost impossible to see. Well, further on down the road, it was not just raining it was POURING sheets and sheets of rain. Literally could not see, and from that point on, I drove the rest of the way at 25mph. No more than 30. I also, at some point, instantly started praying. In tongues. I haven't done that since Bible college. That was a long time ago, in case you're wondering. And literally, that was the only thing keeping me from going OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG the entire ride. I was focused, I pulled over to let people pass me, I stayed safe...and if I hadn't been praying in the Spirit, I know that something bad or almost really, really bad would have happened. I mean, it was scary. I felt fear, and then I just started praying in the Spirit. I didn't think about it, I didn't plan it..it just happened. Which, aside from calming all my fears about the roads, confirmed to me that I'm not making up the language that I speak when I pray in tongues. It was the same as it has been since I paid attention to what what coming out of my mouth.

DEMENTIA IS REALLY CHALLENGING, GUYS. Please, don't ever try to understand okay? That only makes it harder because you just don't understand and it's better for you to just say you're praying for us, and actually do it. I'd say more, but that's enough. Thanks.

Anyway, moving on. Uhhhh, I don't even remember what I was talking about. This post has morphed.

A change that I'm making. Yes. I'm going to make phone calls more often. There's no reason I shouldn't be able to. I'm also going to write Joanna letters more faithfully, lol.

I love my friends. I miss being able to see them everyday. I don't like being a hermit, anymore. I want to get out of my comfort zone.

I'm also going to frequent Haverhill's indie coffee shop more. Yes, you heard it here first. Starbucks has lost it's appeal. I still like their coffee, and they're easier to hang out at because they stay open later than Wicked Big. However, I still want to frequent Wicked Big. Indie coffee houses for the win. Take me to them.

Yes, I'm a hipster at heart, if not in body. I freely admit it. I embrace it. I love mustard yellow, and want to wear straight legged pants. I've grown out of wearing Converse everyday, and want to invest in Keds, flats, and dare I say it? Moccasins. IT'S BIZARRE AND I LOVE IT.

Wow. This post is...just...I don't even know. It's crazy.

I think I'm going to be okay.

That's what was going through my head during communion at church last Sunday. I went to visit my friend Ashley last week. I got there Saturday night, and left the following Saturday morning. We went to her church on Saturday, and for the first time in months, I felt like the Lord put me directly where I needed to be, to hear exactly what I need to hear. The message was perfect. 100% on point to my life. And I felt like I truly believed, for the first time, that I'm going to turn out okay. That I'm not a complete Christian fail.

This process rarely starts and finishes immediately, but at least I have hope. I didn't, before. It was really great, because my friend Allix (who missed her bus and came a day late) has been feeling the same way I have, so being able to talk it out with someone who completely understood, in the moment, what it's like...it was relieving. We cried and prayed together, and afterwards, both of us felt different.

Bible college wasn't a complete waste of time.

Anyway, it was a really great week. So much laughing - I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. I mean, stumbling around as I walk, tears streaming from my eyes kind of laughter. Making a fool of ourselves in public places kind of laughter. (Seriously, we went out to dinner, and were seated in the midst of like, thirty empty tables. Upon leaving the place, and passing the front window, we saw that that area was full of guests. I'm convinced they heard us cracking up before they seated us and said, "Them girls cray.") That's okay.

We dressed up fancy one night, we stayed in our pajamas the next day, we drove long country roads that were filled with the smell of horse poo, we watched movies, played an obscene amount of Phase 10, and sang along really loud to the radio. We made failed, but tasty, gluten free pizza and brownies (the pizza dough had too much water, and the brownies were short one egg.) Ashley and I pointed out and giggled over any cute man that we saw who didn't wear a wedding ring. We did face masks. We taunted Ashley's dog. We drank a lot of coffee.

It was so great. Now, Allix is stuck there because of the storm. I'm home. I like being home, but I still wish I could be there.

We're so flipping gorgeous.

Today, tomorrow, the next day...

Today was my least favorite. Bad, bad, bad. I cannot fix myself, and frankly, I feel like God is just watching me from the sidelines, telling me I'll be fine eventually, not with me in the midst of the battle, where He said He would be.

I know that's not true, but it's how I feel, regardless.

I'm thankful for being able to talk to Zack, who has, since day one, been the long-suffering other half of our non-judgmental, unafraid-to-speak-the-truth, ears-open-to-complaints-and-rants friendship (that I'm amazed still exists, because if I was him, I think I would have ditched me a long time ago.)

Also today, or tonight, rather. I made some gluten free pizza. Making your own pizza is actually pretty fun. And tasty.

---

Tomorrow, I am hoping to go for a run. I have a workout in the afternoon with the cute trainer who forgot my name. OH WELL. I'll convince myself he's too short.

Tomorrow, I'm also going to be packing for my trip to see Allix and Ashley! Hooray for friends! I'm reallyreallyreally looking forward to seeing their faces, and hugging their torsos.

---

The next day, I'm heading into Boston to head to New York. I love Boston. There's a part of me that wants to go early and walk around the area. The only thing making me change my mind is dragging around a suitcase :P It's not really fun to do that at all.

And, well, that's all. Maybe sometime I'll get an inspiration for a post that changes lives. Not today.

You know...

What irritates me are people who aggravate others for fun, have huge egos, are prone to pointless debates, and then think that the person they have been harassing is going to chat with them willy nilly.

Um, no. I'm going to be on the defense, and not want to talk to you at all. Go away. I'm incredibly tired for now of people who are so insecure that they have to have the last word, no matter how obnoxious they have to be to get it.

So, fine. You can even have the first word, which will be your last, because I'm not in the mood to respond to you.

"Family Person."

Last summer, I was on the verge of letting myself become a part of a relationship that would have been a huge mistake. Not because he's a terrible guy or anything, but he's just...so clearly not my other half that I was literally being a fool. It's not an experience I enjoy talking about too much, because it was really so silly, but...hey, we live.

Anyway, I bring this guy up because in the midst of our many conversations, he told me very often that I was a "family person." And then he'd chuckle in that odd chuckle he has, because he liked me a lot.

Well, until recently, I never really saw myself as a family person. I've never hated my family, I've always loved them (I'm talking about my parents. I love the rest of my family too, but you know what I mean.) I just never saw myself being like some people who were REALLY family people. Like, talked about them all the time, wanted to leave Bible college because they missed them so much, etc. I was never one to get homesick when I went away for long periods of time, that kind of thing.

Until this past year. I've been thinking about it a lot, actually. I think I really am a family person. I mean, maybe I'm just more mature, but not very long ago, I probably wouldn't choose going for a drive with my parents. Nothing personal, seriously, just...residual high school "parents are weird," or something. I dunno. Didn't like shopping for fun with my mom, blah blah. It makes me sound horrible, but I promise it's not like that.

However. Within the past year, especially the past several months, I have come to really love spending time with my parents. My mom and I have gone to the movies together twice in the past 4 months - it was so much fun! I'll sit with my dad in bed and watch Wimp videos with him on his phone. It's just fun. I enjoy grocery shopping with my mom, and doing errands with my dad. I enjoy clothes shopping with my mother! I used to NOT like that at all. Maybe because of my own insecurities, and also because I wanted to wear "cool" clothes and I didn't like her style choices at all, and I was afraid to say I didn't like things she would point out.

Now, my style tastes have matured and slowly but surely I'm coming to love all the things she wished I would wear when I was 14. I just wasn't ready. And I'm not afraid to tell her that I don't like things. For example, old lady floral prints. Yeah, they're pretty, and some girls my age and pull them off, but I am just not there, yet. Give me a few more years.

Does this make sense? Like, when I go away now, I actually miss my parents. I look forward to coming home and hanging out with them.

The point of this isn't really much. It's just what I've been thinking about, and I like it.

In other news, this day has been non-stop. We made a bunch of gluten-free stuff last night. I enjoyed most of it with no issue, my parents have mixed feelings.

I've also been thinking about hate. There are some people that I say I hate, and I think that I sincerely mean it, but I realized yesterday that it's not true. I just really, really, really, really dislike those people and don't care if I ever see or talk to them again. Literally. However, I have seen people actually hate, and it's shockingly pitiful. It takes a LOT of work to sincerely hate people. I'm way too lazy for that. I'm willing to call a true once in a while, but some people are hardcore, legit haters. It's impressive, as well as weird, as well as just too bad for them.

Hmm, my mind. Maybe this is why I don't get chatty right away with people. Because my head thinks about things that are not conducive to normal conversation. I mean, I'm talking about being impressed by people's capacity to hate and to stick with it for so long.

I'm weird. That's okay. Someone will love me for it, someday.

To my own surprise, I knew all the lyrics to every Emery song on The Question.

I guess I listened to it in high school more than I realized. And with my almost-post-cold voice, I sounded like one of the band members. You could hardly tell that I was singing along. (Exaggeration, exaggeration, exaggeration....)

Anyhow, yesterday, I drove to Keene, NH to visit Alex, one of my oldest friends. We met at a summer camp when I was 11 and she was 12 (I believe.) I think that's right because she went to the older camp the next summer. Of the friends that I keep consistent contact with, she's the oldest. Ten years! I'm impressed, anyway. Well, like I said, we met at summer camp, and we connected because we both loved dc Talk and Veggie Tales. After the week, she was Archibald the Asparagus, and I was Larry-Boy. I called her Archie for short, and also for years. I think I stopped calling her Archie after we got settled into college.

Over the years, because she lived pretty far away, and because she was super busy (public schoolers! They have no time on their hands! ;) we only got to see each other once or twice a year. Usually my birthday, or in the summer at this fair her town had (has?) every year called a Balloon Rally. It's basically a fair and they launch off hot air balloons. We usually made our visits last a weekend, and we always had lots of fun. Obviously, as time goes on, you get older, and busier, but we've still managed to see each other in real life about once a year. It's less than we'd like, but hey...it's better than not at all! Before yesterday, the last time I had seen her was when I was in her wedding last year :)

We are "adorbs."

Unfortunately, I didn't get a picture of us yesterday because my phone died, and stayed dead for basically the rest of the day. It was a great day, regardless.

I drove a nice, long back road that was surrounded by beautiful Fall trees. We walked around Keene, and chatted, and ate some incredible fries, and I bought some Christmas gifts! Yayyyyy. When we went back to her house (which is officially my favorite,) we watched While You Were Sleeping, and that was a major boost to my sleepy system. I LOVE that movie.

I also bought the book Roots, which I WAS excited about, and then my mom told me that it was discredited because the author lied about his family history. I should have bought the Van Gogh book, instead. DANGIT.

Now, I'm eating spicy hummus, which is clearing my sinuses quite effectively.

Also in this week, my parents and I are trying to go "Gluten-Free", or basically just wheat free. I didn't abide by that yesterday, but I don't care. So far it's been pretty good, I think.

Mmmmm......OH! INCREDIBLE NEWS. The car that was given to me? It's finally all done! It passed inspection and everything! Yay for a car!

Sad news, the cute trainer at the gym forgot my name. That was pretty crushing. I guess that means I'm available, again. I really thought he and I might have had something. I was a fool.

Sorry to end on such a low note, but....sometimes life is sad. :P

Man...I'm really starting to feel the spice in this spicy hummus. I get it chili pepper, you're hot.

Dementia is not my favorite.

I'm currently home alone with my grandmother, who has dementia. I think it's wrong to treat this like it's a secret, or some hidden family shame...people get dementia. It's a legitimate illness, and taking care of people with dementia is hard, like it is right now. Home, alone with her. When things are challenging, it helps to talk about it.

I know some people are going to get upset, but you know, my grandmother having dementia doesn't take away from all that she's done. It's kind of changed her these days, but ultimately she's got the same quirks that she's had my whole life. Obsessed with her room being clean, determined to do things that she wants to do, drinks coffee all day. She's still my grandma, but she has dementia. It's a mental illness, but it doesn't mean she's whacked out of her mind. It means her mind is getting old, but faster than normal.

And, taking care of her is hard. She has intense mood swings that are difficult to keep up with. Her general short-term memory is now VERY short---and repeating the same thing over, and over, and over, and over again, and then about ten more times, can make someone a little crazy after a while. She gets nervous easily, and is often anxious for mom to get home, whenever mom goes out.

However, by the time I'm writing this sentence, she's calmed down a bit. She's not as wound up and anxious as she was before. I think she's reading her Bible.

If that's not proof of God, and how His Word is inspired, I don't know what is. She always gets calm when she settles into reading the Bible. That's how the Holy Spirit works. He brings peace even when the mind fails, because God isn't something we comprehend with our mind. Since her dementia had been officially diagnosed, and has progressed, the one thing that stayed the same was God. Sometimes, she needs help understanding what she's read in the Bible, and sometimes she gets a little dramatic about how souls need to be saved, but she's the most lucid when she is reading the Bible and has her mind on Christ.

I mean, how amazing is that? That when everything else is failing...her mind, her body in general...when she reads the Bible, and enters in with Jesus---not in some super spiritual, ceremonial way, just reading the Bible, even if she doesn't understand it all---there comes a peace. A peace that she can't bring for herself. It's peace that only Christ gives us, when we allow Him to cover us.

It's pretty amazing, really. When the mind fails, Christ still works, because it's not about our mind. It's about His Spirit.

MANLY.

So, I just had a small comment dialogue with someone on Facebook about how men have been dumbed down to think that they don't need to pursue women.

I just need to tirade for a little bit, okay?

IT'S NOT OKAY. There might be other fish in the sea, but that doesn't mean you need to keep casting in your line! Geeeeez. Yes, wait for the right one. Keep yourself from tampering with what isn't yours (aka stop casually dating.) And if you think you're in love with someone, FREAKING PROPOSE ALL READY. Every time I see someone get engaged on Facebook, I'm like, "Good for you, man." Literally, The Man. It takes guts to make that kind of commitment. Even if I don't like the guy, he gains major respect from me because he chose to get married instead of being a loser.

So what if she says no? That's the whole point of being a grown-up. At least neither of you are waiting on the other anymore. You can know for sure that she's not the one, or whatever.

All I'm saying is if I knew or had a feeling that a man was in love with me, and he took his sweet time expressing it and seriously acting on it, I would totally write him off. He doesn't deserve anymore of my time. It's straight up rude to let a girl think you love her by just sticking around, because you're too lazy to commit to anyone.

STOP BEING A WUSS MAN. BE A MAN. And heck, who cares if you can't get some ginormous diamond ring, blah blahdy blah. It's called true love, people. If she really loves you, it won't matter. I know I don't care. I mean, rings are pretty and stuff, but just knowing that a man loves me enough to spend the rest of his life with me? That's legit. I'll take that over jewelry any day.

And, trust me guys. The girl that you think is incredible? There is literally no one else like her, so if she is what you think is the definition of amazing, you better get busy. Cuz she's got a life to live, and unless you do what you can to be a part of it, you're gonna get lost in the dust of her independence. Women are only so independent, because men aren't being dependable. A way to be dependable is by COMMITTING. By GETTING MARRIED. Not dating for years and years. You're willing to date someone for two years, but not be willing to marry them? You have a problem. You don't marry someone that you date for a week. A month. But, two years? You've most likely seen enough of this person to see the good and the bad, so......why stay with them, if you aren't going to marry them?

It's flipping selfish, and ridiculous. Real men get married, little boys date for years---thinking they'll find something better. You're won't. Because you'd KNOW if she was wrong for you. You would know that she's wrong for you, and you would get out of that relationship. This is why casual dating is whack. Why waste your time AND someone else's time, when you aren't going to marry them? It's only making both of your lives harder! What if you're dating someone and the woman you're really supposed to marry is right over there? And, the man she's supposed to marry is right over there? And, you two are slowing everyone down by dating each other, when you aren't even meant to be!

WRONG. God can tell you who the right one is. It's called peace that passes all understanding. There is NO check in your spirit, NO feeling of, "Well, I guess she's good enough. I dunno."

MEN SHOULD BE MEN. And until then, women should do their thing, not waste their time sitting around doing nothing. Learn how to be a homemaker. Get an education. Volunteer. Work. Save money. Learn how to fix things. Become a good cook. It's just good to know this stuff. Do what you love. Travel. Show men what they're missing out on by being sticks in the mud who are afraid of commitment.

Cuz let's be real. Again. Money doesn't HAVE to be an issue. I know men are like, "Urr, I'm a man, must be able to have house. Have food. Urr." Yeah, okay, but if you spend ALL your time getting ready to prepare for a family, the chance to have a family is going to pass you by. That's something that you do as a couple. You're partners in life. Prepare for a family together.

And, I think that's all I have to say for now.

Hurray!

Today has been pretty great. I've been talking a little more recently about my weight. Not much, but more than is common for me. So, if you've paid attention to any of my social media, you'll know that I've been doing an extra mini-workout type thing (which I haven't actually done in a couple day,) I've started running, and ultimately I've been trying to make better choices for my health.

Well, despite pitfalls, fluctuating numbers, and thinking that I'm never going to lose weight, today, it's all paid off and I'm really, really happy. The gym I work/workout at typically weighs in their clients every other week. I'm not a paying client, so I've kind of gotten away with not doing that. Well, I've avoided weighing in because every time I think I'm doing okay, I weigh in at the wrong time of day or..simply have made no progress. Today, I planned ahead of time. I wasn't completely sure that I would go through with it, but I didn't eat a big breakfast, I weighed in at home to have a rough idea, etc.

Then, after my workout, I made up my mind. Dan writes in my numbers, does the math, and says "You're down three pounds! All fat." I'm like, Whaaaaa...??? I practically jumped up and down. So, he and Billy were happy for me, and Billy knows I've been having a hard time (love that guy.)

So, motivated and encouraged are my two key words for the day. I'm really excited.

Also exciting, Sam and I are going to visit a Young Adult group tonight! I've been wanting to go for about a month, but the car situation isn't fixed yet, and dad usually goes to NBF on Tuesday nights. But tonight, he has a cold.

So, Sam and I are going. Yay!

It's been a good day. It would be off the chain if CBD called me telling me I'm hired. I don't think I could handle it.

No title ideas.

I watched a little bit of the movie I.Q. this evening. Meg Ryan, Stephen Fry, Walter Matthau, and that guy Susan Sarandon used to date. Tim something. I've seen it before, and it's not my favorite chick flick, but I can relate to it a bit. Only, I'm Tim something. Bleh. Maybe a mix of Meg Ryan and Tim something.

Anyway. Today has been...mmm, ultimately good, I guess. Started out okay..got up early enough, penciled myself in for the gym, had a good breakfast. Then...gas was a million dollars. And I had an empty tank. And I had seven dollars, but didn't know that until later today. I told the guy to put in eight dollars, and he does, and then he swipes my card and is like, "You're poor." Well, he didn't say that, exactly.

I pulled away from the pump and called my folks for money. While I waited, I had a minor breakdown, and told the Lord, again, that I really need a job. If I had a job, this most likely would not have happened. So I cried a little, and watched the clock tick away to me being late for my commitment.

That all got resolved, and I went on with my day. It proceeded to get better, kind of. My coffee was weird, but not too bad. The cute bank teller was still cute, but I think he's probably 18. I bought quinoa to try. I also got stuff for an Autumn display on our front step. It's really cute. I got home and made a good lunch. A part of which was a green smoothie, which I made with no recipe, and it turned out kind of wonky. I drank it anyway. I cleaned the kitchen. Then, I went for a run.

Now, my runs are definitely jogs, but I call then runs anyway, because I'm definitely not walking. My goal has been to hit two miles with no stops. NAILED IT. From there, I felt pretty great. I felt so good that I treated myself to a DIY salad from the grocery store for dinner (I LOVE THEM.)

I wrote up a thing for the NBF Cookie Campaign, and now I'm blogging. This day has ended on a high note, for sure.

I'm going to bed soon, working at the gym at 9, and working out at 11. All good in the hood.

OH! On my way home earlier in the day, I got REALLY excited about seeing Allix and Ashley this month! It's going to be so much fun! :D

The struggle between soul and spirit.

I don't know how much of this post is going to even be akin to the title. However, the title is my inner turmoil concerning my life.

My mother has told me my entire life, "If you feed your Soul-Man, it will get stronger. If you feed your Spirit-Man, IT will get stronger. Which one do you want to have the most control?" Soul being the "fleshly" or "worldy" desires and tastes, the Spirit being the godly ones.

Now, I know certain people who may read this and take the term Soul-Man as a joke, and well, if you want to be that immature, then fine. I can't stop you. However, I encourage you to NOT do that, and understand the difference between soul and spirit, and understand that there is an ever constant battle between the two. Now, when I say it's an ever constant battle, that doesn't mean that it's always bad. Battle usually seen as a negative thing. However, it's only negative if the soul is the one with the most power. If the spirit has more power than the soul, then the battle is a positive, and no less serious one.

I know what my problem is. I usually do. I know the solution to my problem. I usually do. However, this is where the battle comes into place.

Currently, my soul is stronger than my spirit. I don't think my spirit is dead, I haven't denied God, but it's not strong. It's very weak, or, rather, it's very lazy. I've become very lazy concerning my Spirit-Man. I don't feed my spirit, really, at all. My Soul-Man is doing just fine.

That is problem, and the solution is simple. So simple, in fact, that I'm not even going to say what it is.

In the car today, my mom put in Jars of Clay's album Good Monsters. The first song, Work, seemed to speak to how I feel. Just in that indescribable what the songs have sometimes.

You can see the video for the song here. You can read the lyrics of the song here.

So...there. Anyway. I spent a few days with my friend Kiaya and her baby, Gideon, this week. We went to the Deerfield Fair, and watched Runaway Bride (Richard Gere, swoon) and a sweet Christmas Veggie Tales that I had never seen before. It's about Saint Nick. I'm sure mymom will love it.

My mother is making bruschetta which is reeeeally exciting.  I'm going to bake a cake for tomorrow. Hopefully it's tasty. Ehmmm..hopefully I hear back from CBD...ultimately, if I got the job or not. Hopefully I got it.

Fun Fact: I say certain words wrong on purpose, simply because it's more fun. Farfalle, for example. Far-fah-lee is the proper way, but the fun way is Farfuh-lee. If you say it out loud, you'll understand the difference.

October is coming. September didn't go by quite as fast as August, but it went by very quickly. In a few weeks, I'm going to upstate New York for a rollicking time with my girls.

OH! We bough a basil plant! We tried growing our own, but we aren't (well, I'm not..mom is better than I) very dedicated gardeners. I blame life. However, we did get a lot of tomatoes. Some were wonky, but not all of them.

Okay, that's all.

This dumb Owl City song is stuck in my head.

I thought that maybe I liked Owl City, but...eh. I dunno. I have mixed feelings.

I need to finish working out. And then I need to shower, because, well, frankly, I am dirty.

I also don't have much to say, I'm just blogging to waste time, I suppose. Well, actually. I just ate a sandwich, and I'm letting my body settle before I continue.

I went for a run yesterday. I mapped a complete mile from my house to my house. It's in the neighborhood area, and it's a pretty basic circle, and it's also out of the way of too many people. I ended up walking about half of the mile because the cold air was making my asthma act up.

Wow. This is the most boring blog post ever. I'm basically just talking about my health and how I need to shower.

TMI. Sorry, guys. And yet, I'm still going to post it...

I swear I have no shame. Or at least, I have very little shame. Very little. My mom goes, "I can't believe you said your weight on your blog!" I was literally like, "Eh, whatever." I just don't care, anymore. I mean, this is who I am. I can pull in the reins on certain aspects of myself, depending on the situations I'm in, but ultimately, as it is with all of us, humanity is a take it or leave it kind of deal.

If you think I'm gross for saying I'm in need of a shower after working out and that makes you want to not talk to me, then..okay. If you need to take a shower too, then we're in good company (great movie, by the way.)

I dunno. We have to get to know people. I'm not really good at talking about myself in normal conversation, but here...you get it all. Well, most of it.

I have no idea where any of this is going. I'm just rambling out what's inside my head. I'm going to go exercise, now.

Hollaaaa

Huhray!

I found my iPod today! I couldn't find my current brown purse, so I pulled out the other one, went through the pockets, and whaddaya know? There it was. Mind you, it's been missing for MONTHS. Like, literally months. It's made train rides REALLY boring. It's made me uninspired to go walking or running. It's literally made my life dull.

No more! Tomorrow, I can go for a run, and be completely uninhibited by the outside world. You may be wondering, "If your iPod has been missing for so long, what did you do when you WERE running that short time?" Well...it's pitiful. My phone is quickly becoming really ghetto, and because of that, Pandora or Spotify don't work when there is no internet connection. So...I listened to 30-second long song clips. Ringtones that I had downloaded. The choruses of Rolling In the Deep, Billie Jean, and Volare.

Pathetic, I know.

My mom is going through a bunch of my old clothes from storage. One item, my D.A.R.E. shirt, made me laugh. We got them on the last day of school, and I remember being at the school picnic, chasing down Jon, the boy I had been in love with all year, to sign it. His was the only signature I wanted. He never liked me. We even ended up in the guidance counselor's office, because it was so crushing for me. Our lockers were next to each other, or at least one over from each other. He was a sweet, curly brunette kid. I officially decided today that I am definitely a curly/wavy dark brunette fan. Depending on the person, blondes, red-heads or light-brown haired men can be attractive, but...dark brunettes instantly grab my attention.

Ahem. Anyway. Did some random driving today. I enjoy driving.

Oh, speaking of which, pray that the situation with my car gets figured out. It's not road-ready yet.

Also, pray that I can get a job. Or if not, that someone will give me money for the rest of my life.

I'm tired. There's a bunch of stuff from storage in my room, and I think the dust is penetrating my air. It's hard to fall asleep because my asthma gets really worked up. I never have problems with asthma, usually..but the past few days, when I'm laying it bed it gets bad. The only thing I can think of is the boxes :P

Did I mention that I love David Tutera? That man is literally incredible. I LOVE HIM.

Okay, that's all.

I'm blogging to distract myself.

My mom and I just finished watching a movie called "A Good Woman." It's based on Oscar Wilde's play, "Lady Windermere's Fan," which I happened to have just read a few weeks ago. We stumbled upon it, really. I recognized the opening line of the movie as Oscar, and remembered that the title was the alternate title for the original play.

Throughout the movie, many of the male characters' lines were bits of Wilde's negative, snarky wit. By the end of the film, I sighed inside, and said to myself, "Man, I love Oscar Wilde!" Which, if you read my blog (Brad...), you'll know already that I am, for reasons that I'm not sure of, a big Oscar fan. There's just something about him. He was such a sad person, though. Maybe it's the aspect of him that he just didn't care what anyone thought of him. He set out to make a name for himself by being completely out there - and he did, in a very short period of time. He was bizarre and successful. He was wise, too. So many things that he wrote into his stories are just simple, witty, and wise. 

Anyway, I enjoyed the movie. They stayed true to the original story quite well, which is something I appreciate (and pounce on when it's not done well.) My Grams is like that, too.

Amongst other people that I love, the recent addition is David Tutera. This guy is fantastic!! He knows everything about anything concerning etiquette, design, style...he's amazing! I look at all the DIY pins on Pinterest for weddings, and I'm like, "What would David Tutera say about this?" Because all the brides he works with are like, "Blah, blah, I made this, blah," and he's like, "No. No way." And I'm like, "Yeah, man. He's totally right."

He has opened my eyes to wedding planning. I'll never be the same. 

In other news that won't make people uncomfortable (speaking of which, if you're afraid of what I'm going to write on my blog, just don't read it. Coming here is just proof that you're LOOKING for something to be afraid of. Just saying.)

I got over the hump which is 219. Yay for me.

The Office's final season started today. I didn't watch it. I'll watch it tomorrow. Apparently, it was "hilarious." Well, I don't doubt that. I love The Office. That is a show that I would buy the box set of. I'm not willing to do that with many thing...not that I watch much TV anyway. The Office, though...it's special. 

That's all, I think.