100.

Well, this is it. My 100th post. Officially, anyway. Some of the posts are private, so you can't see them in the count on the side over there -->

It's still the 100th post.

I wish I was writing on a happier note. For some reason, I feel depressed today. I've been feeling kind of depressed since Christmas. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning - but not in a "OMG I LOVE MY BED SO MUCH" kind of way. In a hopeless way. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to go to the gym, I don't want to go to the cafe, I don't want to go to church, I don't want to do anything that has previously brought me pleasure. I just want to stay in bed. And do nothing.

I know it sounds like I'm just being lazy, but I know when I'm being lazy. This is different. I don't want to see people. I don't want to talk to people.

It's weird. Maybe it's stress. Stress would make a lot of sense.

I have no idea. I don't know if I've ever really felt this way before. I know I have, but I've always had this underlying sense of hope and anticipation about what the future holds.

I was excited about the new year. But now I'm afraid of the unknowns. I don't want to face the future. I was excited about being a single woman, but now it terrifies me. I'm content with it, but I'm not excited.

Something I've really been wanting this past week was a partner. Someone that I could physically lean on, and exchange energy with, as it were. Someone to face it all with. I know, I have parents. I have God. but this is different. I'm sure it's normal. We're created to be partners. And yeah, I've wanted to fall in love with someone for a long time, but this is a different feeling.

I am not called to be single. I ache too much for someone to complete me.

And don't get all on your "Blah blah, you don't need a man to complete you" soap box. It's not true. I don't need a man to comfort my insecurities. But the Bible says that the man and the woman become one flesh. It doesn't say that they stay individuals. They join, and become one.

That's what I'm missing. I'm content as an individual. I like myself. I'm secure with who I am. I know what to do to make myself a better version of myself. I have confidence.

Anyway. I'm sorry that this post is such a downer. I'm sure you understand.