Back in college, the only person I really made phone calls to was my mom. More often than not we went over the allotted thirty minutes. Anyhow, when talking to friends, I'd very frequently start sentences with "So, I was talking to my mom..." and then went on from there.
Well, I talk to my mom a lot. A few months ago, while I was in the pit of despair and rebellion, I was crying and venting to her about how "Blah, blah, I want a job, blah, I hate the world." something to that extent. She would be nice, and then she would say, "Hannah, I think you should be going into the prison with your father. I don't know why, and I could be wrong, but I really think you should start doing that again."
This made me mad. Like, angry. I didn't WANT to go into the prison. I didn't WANT to wake up at the crack of dawn to take a shower because chances were good that dad would still be in the shower, and I would have to wait, and be sleepy, and cold, and then have no time to get ready.
And yet, deep down, I knew that she was right, and that if I went into prison, everything would probably begin to sort itself out. However, I wanted to do it the hard way. I didn't want to start going inside because I knew that it would magically fix my life. I figured that was somehow making God a magician.
I'm really stubborn. I like to ignore good advice and wait until I'm good and ready to do things the way they are suggested to me. I have to come to that point on my own. Which is funny, because I usually try to force people to see the light about things. IT'S SO OBVIOUS THAT THIS IS HOW IT SHOULD BE DUH. I've changed a lot, and I don't do that as much as I used to, but I was an oxymoron. Emphasis on moron, I think :P
Instead, I think it in my head, and say to myself, "It's ok. Everyone has to learn their own way." Because really, you just can't change anyone. I can only do my part to live out the truth that needs to be seen by others. In spiritual, and practical ways.
WELL. One day, after my trip to New York to visit with Ashley and Allix, where God met me in church and I began to truly believe that I was going to be okay, I felt ready to go back into the prison with my dad. My problem was also, I think, seeing it like I was being forced into ministry. I didn't want to be on call to randomly speak something spiritual in chapel. But now, I saw it as helping my dad, not being forced into ministry.
So, I went in with my dad. I do go in with my dad, rather. I might have to make some schedule changes now, because of Wicked Big, but I still go in with him.
Okay. So, here's where it get's funny. Since I've gone into the prison, my life has gotten better.
Mmhmm. Just like I knew deep down that it would. Sure, it's not all peaches and cream, but the things that I longed for? Getting them, slowly but surely. The Lord has opened the door for me to get into the coffee world. That was what I was fighting for for months, but He kept shutting the doors. So I got mad. Relationships are changing for the better. I trust the Lord again. I'm happy. I'm losing weight. I don't wake up angry anymore. I'm busy. I don't make a lot of money, but I make just enough to get through a couple weeks.
So, really. If there's something that you know the Lord wants you to do NOW, just do it. I know, it can take time to feel okay with it. I know, resenting God, and thinking that you aren't getting what you deserve makes it hard to obey.
But believing cliches actually helps. God does truly work things out for those who love him and are called according to HIS purpose, not our own. It could literally be anything. Stop watching that TV show. Stop listening to that music.
Stop resenting God for not following through with what YOU believed for. He isn't a liar, and He doesn't play games with us. Once we stop believing that we know what's best, and accept disappointment (not that that means we stop being disappointed. Life is hard.) But once we accept it, and WORK AT MOVING FORWARD, WITHOUT RESENTING GOD, then things can begin to change. Our heart plays a big part in how God can work in our lives.