September 10, 2012

Simply a lousy day.

I'm sitting at home, waiting for mom and dad to come home. This is my least favorite. Being "alone" in the house.

This has not been a good day. I woke up to everything I did not have, that others were enjoying. Now, I'm frequently faced with what I do not have, and typically, it doesn't bother me. I'm able to be pretty upbeat about it and whatever.

This was not a regular day. I'm being selfish, and I'm full of self-pity, and I just don't care. I do care, but it's just a day.

"When was the last time you did devotions?" Yeah, yeah, blah blah. I know if I spend time with Jesus it'll all be better. Well, I spent time with Jesus. I caught up on my devotions, and everything I read was applicable to what I'm dealing with, which kind of made me mad.

Why can God make my life be relevant to my devotions, but He won't let me get a job? Why does doing office work at the prison have to be my answer? I don't want to do office work at the prison. I don't know what I want anymore. I need a job, but maybe what I've said before it just true and I should just accept it. I'm never going to have a real job with any form of a real income. I just need to get it in my head that I'm destined to a life of free church work.

So, fine. If that's my lot, so be it. It'd be nice if I could at least feel like I WANT to do this. I'm jealous of people who get to do what they like. Heck, what do I really like, anyway? I obviously don't know. Maybe sitting in freezing offices is way more fun than I give it credit for.

I know, I'm being too snarky to hear from the Lord. I'm even listening to Christian music to try and balance out my soul-man.

Thankfully, mom and dad have come home.

It's like, deep down I want all of it. Not even so deep. I want to be comforted by the Spirit, I want to live a life that shines out Christ. I just. I don't know how to be a Bible student anymore. It was easy at Mt. Zion. But "this is real life and so blargrah, zoppity doo." Being a Christian is hard.

I'm sorry for railing. I'm sorry for being so publicly bitter. I'm sorry that I'm being selfish. Hopefully I'll be open to the Lord and the Holy Spirit so that I can be a better person tomorrow.

Hmph. Dah, even the radio is singing songs about my life >_< Get out of my head.

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