The struggle between soul and spirit.

I don't know how much of this post is going to even be akin to the title. However, the title is my inner turmoil concerning my life.

My mother has told me my entire life, "If you feed your Soul-Man, it will get stronger. If you feed your Spirit-Man, IT will get stronger. Which one do you want to have the most control?" Soul being the "fleshly" or "worldy" desires and tastes, the Spirit being the godly ones.

Now, I know certain people who may read this and take the term Soul-Man as a joke, and well, if you want to be that immature, then fine. I can't stop you. However, I encourage you to NOT do that, and understand the difference between soul and spirit, and understand that there is an ever constant battle between the two. Now, when I say it's an ever constant battle, that doesn't mean that it's always bad. Battle usually seen as a negative thing. However, it's only negative if the soul is the one with the most power. If the spirit has more power than the soul, then the battle is a positive, and no less serious one.

I know what my problem is. I usually do. I know the solution to my problem. I usually do. However, this is where the battle comes into place.

Currently, my soul is stronger than my spirit. I don't think my spirit is dead, I haven't denied God, but it's not strong. It's very weak, or, rather, it's very lazy. I've become very lazy concerning my Spirit-Man. I don't feed my spirit, really, at all. My Soul-Man is doing just fine.

That is problem, and the solution is simple. So simple, in fact, that I'm not even going to say what it is.

In the car today, my mom put in Jars of Clay's album Good Monsters. The first song, Work, seemed to speak to how I feel. Just in that indescribable what the songs have sometimes.

You can see the video for the song here. You can read the lyrics of the song here.

So...there. Anyway. I spent a few days with my friend Kiaya and her baby, Gideon, this week. We went to the Deerfield Fair, and watched Runaway Bride (Richard Gere, swoon) and a sweet Christmas Veggie Tales that I had never seen before. It's about Saint Nick. I'm sure mymom will love it.

My mother is making bruschetta which is reeeeally exciting.  I'm going to bake a cake for tomorrow. Hopefully it's tasty. Ehmmm..hopefully I hear back from CBD...ultimately, if I got the job or not. Hopefully I got it.

Fun Fact: I say certain words wrong on purpose, simply because it's more fun. Farfalle, for example. Far-fah-lee is the proper way, but the fun way is Farfuh-lee. If you say it out loud, you'll understand the difference.

October is coming. September didn't go by quite as fast as August, but it went by very quickly. In a few weeks, I'm going to upstate New York for a rollicking time with my girls.

OH! We bough a basil plant! We tried growing our own, but we aren't (well, I'm not..mom is better than I) very dedicated gardeners. I blame life. However, we did get a lot of tomatoes. Some were wonky, but not all of them.

Okay, that's all.

This dumb Owl City song is stuck in my head.

I thought that maybe I liked Owl City, but...eh. I dunno. I have mixed feelings.

I need to finish working out. And then I need to shower, because, well, frankly, I am dirty.

I also don't have much to say, I'm just blogging to waste time, I suppose. Well, actually. I just ate a sandwich, and I'm letting my body settle before I continue.

I went for a run yesterday. I mapped a complete mile from my house to my house. It's in the neighborhood area, and it's a pretty basic circle, and it's also out of the way of too many people. I ended up walking about half of the mile because the cold air was making my asthma act up.

Wow. This is the most boring blog post ever. I'm basically just talking about my health and how I need to shower.

TMI. Sorry, guys. And yet, I'm still going to post it...

I swear I have no shame. Or at least, I have very little shame. Very little. My mom goes, "I can't believe you said your weight on your blog!" I was literally like, "Eh, whatever." I just don't care, anymore. I mean, this is who I am. I can pull in the reins on certain aspects of myself, depending on the situations I'm in, but ultimately, as it is with all of us, humanity is a take it or leave it kind of deal.

If you think I'm gross for saying I'm in need of a shower after working out and that makes you want to not talk to me, then..okay. If you need to take a shower too, then we're in good company (great movie, by the way.)

I dunno. We have to get to know people. I'm not really good at talking about myself in normal conversation, but here...you get it all. Well, most of it.

I have no idea where any of this is going. I'm just rambling out what's inside my head. I'm going to go exercise, now.

Hollaaaa

Huhray!

I found my iPod today! I couldn't find my current brown purse, so I pulled out the other one, went through the pockets, and whaddaya know? There it was. Mind you, it's been missing for MONTHS. Like, literally months. It's made train rides REALLY boring. It's made me uninspired to go walking or running. It's literally made my life dull.

No more! Tomorrow, I can go for a run, and be completely uninhibited by the outside world. You may be wondering, "If your iPod has been missing for so long, what did you do when you WERE running that short time?" Well...it's pitiful. My phone is quickly becoming really ghetto, and because of that, Pandora or Spotify don't work when there is no internet connection. So...I listened to 30-second long song clips. Ringtones that I had downloaded. The choruses of Rolling In the Deep, Billie Jean, and Volare.

Pathetic, I know.

My mom is going through a bunch of my old clothes from storage. One item, my D.A.R.E. shirt, made me laugh. We got them on the last day of school, and I remember being at the school picnic, chasing down Jon, the boy I had been in love with all year, to sign it. His was the only signature I wanted. He never liked me. We even ended up in the guidance counselor's office, because it was so crushing for me. Our lockers were next to each other, or at least one over from each other. He was a sweet, curly brunette kid. I officially decided today that I am definitely a curly/wavy dark brunette fan. Depending on the person, blondes, red-heads or light-brown haired men can be attractive, but...dark brunettes instantly grab my attention.

Ahem. Anyway. Did some random driving today. I enjoy driving.

Oh, speaking of which, pray that the situation with my car gets figured out. It's not road-ready yet.

Also, pray that I can get a job. Or if not, that someone will give me money for the rest of my life.

I'm tired. There's a bunch of stuff from storage in my room, and I think the dust is penetrating my air. It's hard to fall asleep because my asthma gets really worked up. I never have problems with asthma, usually..but the past few days, when I'm laying it bed it gets bad. The only thing I can think of is the boxes :P

Did I mention that I love David Tutera? That man is literally incredible. I LOVE HIM.

Okay, that's all.

I'm blogging to distract myself.

My mom and I just finished watching a movie called "A Good Woman." It's based on Oscar Wilde's play, "Lady Windermere's Fan," which I happened to have just read a few weeks ago. We stumbled upon it, really. I recognized the opening line of the movie as Oscar, and remembered that the title was the alternate title for the original play.

Throughout the movie, many of the male characters' lines were bits of Wilde's negative, snarky wit. By the end of the film, I sighed inside, and said to myself, "Man, I love Oscar Wilde!" Which, if you read my blog (Brad...), you'll know already that I am, for reasons that I'm not sure of, a big Oscar fan. There's just something about him. He was such a sad person, though. Maybe it's the aspect of him that he just didn't care what anyone thought of him. He set out to make a name for himself by being completely out there - and he did, in a very short period of time. He was bizarre and successful. He was wise, too. So many things that he wrote into his stories are just simple, witty, and wise. 

Anyway, I enjoyed the movie. They stayed true to the original story quite well, which is something I appreciate (and pounce on when it's not done well.) My Grams is like that, too.

Amongst other people that I love, the recent addition is David Tutera. This guy is fantastic!! He knows everything about anything concerning etiquette, design, style...he's amazing! I look at all the DIY pins on Pinterest for weddings, and I'm like, "What would David Tutera say about this?" Because all the brides he works with are like, "Blah, blah, I made this, blah," and he's like, "No. No way." And I'm like, "Yeah, man. He's totally right."

He has opened my eyes to wedding planning. I'll never be the same. 

In other news that won't make people uncomfortable (speaking of which, if you're afraid of what I'm going to write on my blog, just don't read it. Coming here is just proof that you're LOOKING for something to be afraid of. Just saying.)

I got over the hump which is 219. Yay for me.

The Office's final season started today. I didn't watch it. I'll watch it tomorrow. Apparently, it was "hilarious." Well, I don't doubt that. I love The Office. That is a show that I would buy the box set of. I'm not willing to do that with many thing...not that I watch much TV anyway. The Office, though...it's special. 

That's all, I think. 

{{{{ANGRY}}}}

When I was in college, I don't know how it started, but my friends and I started squishing our cheeks into our face and saying I'M ANGRY when we, or one of the others were mad. It always made us laugh, and relax a little bit because we looked so ridiculous.

I need my girlfriends to make the angry face at me. I'm getting angry these days. I'm torn between explaining why or just letting it continue to build up inside me.

I told my mom yesterday that I have more frequently been cursing in my head because of the parts of this past year that...well, I don't want to use too many incriminating adjectives.

However, before I begin, I would like to welcome Jill and Kate to my blog. Thanks for reading my garbage so faithfully! You're probably my most frequent readers. I'm sure I'll be internet famous, thanks to all your page views! It is a secret dream of mine to be a famous blogger. Not on that I pursue very strongly, though.

I think I'll just leave it alone. I wrote out a ton of stuff, but I deleted it because I knew it was wrong.

Oh, to be evil, without a care in the world, except how terrible I can make other people's lives.

Dancing Sea Dragons!

My dad is watching some video about this super cool creature called a sea dragon! It literally looks like a dragon. It's like a sea horse, only WAY cooler!

Anyway. I don't really have anything to blog about. However, one thing is on my mind that I'm really excited about.

So, I bought this dress, from Old Navy. It's black & white, striped, and pretty darn great. I have it hanging on my window as "inspiration," if you will, to motivate me to lose weight. It fits, but it doesn't fit JUST RIGHT yet. Ten pounds, and I'll be good. (Later on, after I make more progress, maybe I'll tell you about the Jeans.) Anyway, every time I see it, I imagine what I look like in it, and I'm like, "I want to wear that thing out." Like, OUT. I can just see myself with some girlfriends, being fancy and gorgeous and having fun.

So, I texted my friends, Allix and Ashley, whom I will be seeing next month. I suggest a dressed up girls night out, sharing fancy appetizers. They both write back, saying essentially, HECK YES.

I'm actually really excited about it. It's going to be really fun. I like friends. I miss being able to go see friends whenever I wanted. Drink coffee any time of day, anywhere.

Also, you know that section in the Facebook Timeline with the bigger pictures of your friends? I like that section.

Opposites attract.

Today has been a direct opposite of yesterday, and I have been taken completely by surprise.

Starting last night, I guess, a woman I know encouraged me to apply at the Starbucks she works at in New Hampshire. I put in my application today, and she told her manager about it. No word yet, but that's not a surprise. Then, right after this, I received a phone message from Maryl, a woman I worked with over my internship (At Light of the World, the greatest church ever, ever, ever.) She called to tell me about a job fair next week for seasonal positions where she worked. So, okay. I'd be a fool to not go and apply, so obviously..I'm going to do that.

Then, just now, I received an encouraging card and gift from my friend Joanna. She lives in Virginia, and we became friends by being roommates and Kitchen Staffers at Camp Clear in 2008 (that wasn't all that brought us together. Old movies, Cary Grant, and boys were a part of our friendship glue.) She's the only person I write letters with, and ultimately, those letters are the reason we are good friends. She's from Virginia, so we obviously haven't seen much of each other. Hopefully she'll come up soon to bake and watch girly movies.

Anyway, overall a very different day.

On a different note, I still have yet to do my workout thing...I haven't had time, yet. I HAVE to do it before I go to bed, though. I'm determined to do it every day.

Simply a lousy day.

I'm sitting at home, waiting for mom and dad to come home. This is my least favorite. Being "alone" in the house.

This has not been a good day. I woke up to everything I did not have, that others were enjoying. Now, I'm frequently faced with what I do not have, and typically, it doesn't bother me. I'm able to be pretty upbeat about it and whatever.

This was not a regular day. I'm being selfish, and I'm full of self-pity, and I just don't care. I do care, but it's just a day.

"When was the last time you did devotions?" Yeah, yeah, blah blah. I know if I spend time with Jesus it'll all be better. Well, I spent time with Jesus. I caught up on my devotions, and everything I read was applicable to what I'm dealing with, which kind of made me mad.

Why can God make my life be relevant to my devotions, but He won't let me get a job? Why does doing office work at the prison have to be my answer? I don't want to do office work at the prison. I don't know what I want anymore. I need a job, but maybe what I've said before it just true and I should just accept it. I'm never going to have a real job with any form of a real income. I just need to get it in my head that I'm destined to a life of free church work.

So, fine. If that's my lot, so be it. It'd be nice if I could at least feel like I WANT to do this. I'm jealous of people who get to do what they like. Heck, what do I really like, anyway? I obviously don't know. Maybe sitting in freezing offices is way more fun than I give it credit for.

I know, I'm being too snarky to hear from the Lord. I'm even listening to Christian music to try and balance out my soul-man.

Thankfully, mom and dad have come home.

It's like, deep down I want all of it. Not even so deep. I want to be comforted by the Spirit, I want to live a life that shines out Christ. I just. I don't know how to be a Bible student anymore. It was easy at Mt. Zion. But "this is real life and so blargrah, zoppity doo." Being a Christian is hard.

I'm sorry for railing. I'm sorry for being so publicly bitter. I'm sorry that I'm being selfish. Hopefully I'll be open to the Lord and the Holy Spirit so that I can be a better person tomorrow.

Hmph. Dah, even the radio is singing songs about my life >_< Get out of my head.

Opportunity nots.

Get it? Nots. Knocks. Only, negative. Punspunspuns.

Yeah, yeah, 'nots' isn't a word. Don't care.

I had my second interview for B&N yesterday. Suffice it to say when I got to the car, I burst into tears because I knew I wouldn't get the job.

He opened up with "Well, I have these questions to ask you, but since you've never had a job...it's kinda...well." and trailed off. He asked me what he needed to ask, all in the tone of voice that said "This is pointless because I've written off whatever answer you give me as useless because you've never had a real job."

He reminded me of the Haverhill Starbucks manager. A middle aged man who doesn't want to give young women with no "real" experience a chance to learn and succeed.

Then he ended the interview with the classic brush off, "Well, we have some other applicants to get in touch with, but we'll let you know by the end of the week."

So, I've cried a few times since, because frankly, it's just really disappointing. Whatever. I'll be over it by the time I go to bed tonight. In the end, I know that the Lord has it under control. But you know? Sometimes, in the midst of believing the promises of God, they just sound like "blah, blah, blah," in my head. It's not that I'm writing them off, they just sound too cliche right now.

On a higher note, my Grams told my dad that she is going to cover all the expenses to get the car on the road. Which is pretty incredible. I know that I seem kind of stoic about it, but I'm really not.

Anyway. I'm still going to give B&N the chance to actually get back to me by the end of the week. In the meantime, I just plan on reading, working out, and trying to establish some habits that I've been wanting to cement into my life. Mostly for health purposes, like jogging and doing Pilates on day that I don't go to the gym, and not not eating late. Drinking more tea and water.

I'm just trying to be an adult, okay? C'mon, guys. Guys, really, guys. <-- I watch WAY too much wheezywaiter. Way too much.

Well, that's all.

I'm still tired.

Pretty pathetic title. It's just a fact. I'm taking a nap after I write this.

Wednesday, I had an interview at Barnes and Noble. I think it went well, (it must have been at least okay, because I have another interview tonight) and I wish that I had remembered to tell her about things like my internship and stuff. I m ean, she was talking about how it's hard work, and I don't have a lot of experience. They want someone who can handle being called on in the middle of doing two other things. Now, that's one of my pet peeves, but I'm able to do it. If you're going to work at MH, you have no choice but to be flexible. "Go up the hill!" Oncew you get there, "Come back down to Sister So-and-so's class." Thirty minutes later, "Watch the kids during their break time." Okay. And that can literally all happen within an hour and a half of time. So, you do that for six months with kids of all ages and temperments...I just have a feeling I could get the hang of retail fairly quickly.

Maybe I'll have the chance tonight. Anyway, on Wednesday, it was funny because the woman, who I enjoyed, told me fairly early on that she wasn't sure what to expect from me because I was homeschooled and went to a ministry school. I didn't really think anything of it, and then when she asked me, out of curiosity, "not a part of the interview," how I would react if someone wanted help finding a book that wasn't Christian (her example was Witchcraft), I kind of tilted my head like, "Umm..huh?" And I said I'd help them find it. It's not my job to tell people what to believe...not in that situation. I don't know what her experience with Christians has been. It's either purely media driven, or just plain bad. She seemed pretty relieved that I wasn't someone who shoves it in people's faces. She also asked more than once if my parents were okay with me applying for this job, or if they were disappointed that I wasn't following in their footsteps of working with prison ministry. Of course it's okay!

If I get the job, it'll be nice to live my life and show how Christians can be normal people, too. I'm not the chick from Steel Magnolias, I promise.

At the end of the interview, I asked if I had any part of a good chance of getting the job. She told me that she wouldn't have scheduled another interview if she didn't think I had potential. She told me I was delightful early on in the interview. So, that's good, right? We'll see how it goes with Tony, tonight. I secretly want him to be some burly, mafioso Italian guy, but he probably isn't.

Yesterday, my mom and I went to Portland to have a tea party with my cousins, Beth and Allison (and Annaka, Beth's daughter, of course.) It was a really nice time. As sad as it sounds, we rarely get together with family for things other than Thanksgiving and Christmas or them coming to visit Grandma. Sometimes Easter, or the 4th of July. Other than that, though, we don't see them too often, so this was nice :)

Maine is beautiful. While we were on the Maine Turnpike, which is full of trees on both sides, I could just imagine the trees all orange, gold, and red, and gorgeous...for whatever reason I REALLY want fall to be here. Can't wait.

Mmm..well, that's all. My brain is slowing down.  I'm going to nap before too much time passes and the kids wake up.

Aaaaand today is my last day of babysitting. So..yeah.

I'm tired.

I went to bed last night some time after 10 pm. I woke up a few minutes after midnight, and never went back to sleep. I tried listening to music, no music; turning the fan on, turning it off. I tossed and turned. I flipped around from the head of the bed to the foot of the bed. Nothing worked. I was thinking about a lot of things, but my brain wasn't so active that I was lying awake. I tried closing my eyes. I think I got close to falling asleep, but no luck. Then it was 3:45 am, and no point in trying anymore. I did try around 4:15 am, and it was still pointless. I just watched Rhett and Link videos. Then I got up at 5 and got ready to leave. I decided that I was going to get some coffee and a muffin at the Starbucks in the Loop. It opened at 5:30, and I was clearly awake for it. Stupid.

Thankfully, I have gotten to nap today. I'd like to nap some more. Maybe I'll try.

Anyway, the next two days are jam packed. Tomorrow I have an early morning of work at the gym, I need to bring dad to Middleton, and then fly over to my interview at Barnes & Noble (pray really quick right now that she offers ne a gig right then and there. "Lord, let her get the job. Amen." Just like that.)

I'm very excited about the possibility of working at B&N. I realized this morning, as I was sitting in the essentially empty coffee shop, than if I had gotten the job at SB, I would dread going there to relax. It would lose its appeal. Let's face it, it's all we got. Wicked Big is great, but it's hours are wack. So I was sitting in the comfy chair, thankful that I was relaxing and not working there.

Thursday is Tea Day! Mom and I are getting together with my cousins for tea. It's going to be super lovely. Especially for mom. I'm looking forward to it :)

So, I was writing a list today. My mom and I were talking (like always...it used to be a joke at college that most of my sentences started with "So, I was talking to my mom..." But it wasn't a joke. It was real.) We were talking about forgetting men and living my life.

Now look, this is a cycle. I always do this. This is not progress, it's expected. So...yeah.

I was writing a list of things I'd like to accomplish. None of them are new, but they're all important to me. Hopefully dreams will come true.
Huhhhhh.

I'm really tired.

I feel like blogging, so sue me.

Pretty basic explanation, right there. I don't know why I feel like blogging. Maybe because I feel pretty today.

I do cheesy so well.

Maybe because the color scheme of my peach yogurt matches my sweater. Maybe because I'm a silly person who gets a sense of validation from the most insignificant actions. Maybe because I have a car, almost positively named "Bond, James Bond." (Yes, you have the say the whole thing. It'll be "Bond" for short, but the full name is "Bond, James Bond." Preferably in a manly British accent.)

Well, tonight I'm visiting a church with a couple of friends, Anna and Sam. They've both been before, and I'm pretty sure I've visited a long time ago, but not sure enough to stand by it. Anna, Sam and I. Aside from Zeke and Kiaya, they're my oldest friends that I've kept in touch with the most. Anna introduced me to Sam, back when she was taking me to youth group.  That was quite an era of my life, about the ages of 14 to 16.

A lot of things happened at that youth group. It was probably one of the first places that I had a lot of "exposure" to people that weren't your typical church folks, people from really different walks of life, with varying tastes, etc. My musical tastes were definitely shapes during that time. I was introduced to bands like Anberlin and Jars of Clay. It was during that period of my life that I, and my parents not long after, warmed up to the idea of "Christian rock", like Skillet, Switchfoot, Superchic[k], etc. It was probably my most rebellious phase, but my parents are pretty good at what they do, so I think I turned out okay in the end.

And now, Sam and I have become BFF, she and Anna are still pretty close, they've been friends their whole lives. Anna and I are still good friends too, but the growth of our friendship was kind of stunted when she moved away, I went to college, and our paths just didn't cross very much until recently. She's got two super cute kids.

So, it'll be nice to hang out with them, as the Three Musketeers (plus two). We never fail to have lots of laughs when we're together :)

This is the three of us at the Walk for Life back in June (which does NOT feel like it was three months ago.) Me, Anna, and Sam :)

Well, I guess that's all I have to say. This post pretty much wrote itself. Enjoy the rest of your Sunday :)