August 29, 2012

This is a part of me.

My mom suggested to me a few days ago to blog about why I don't date. It's true, I don't.

At the time, I didn't feel like it was time, but I've been thinking about it fairly often these days (I go through phases of feeling like a super empowered single woman, to being like, "Meh, I don't have a man. Boo."

I'm not really either, my current status is "trusting the Lord," and "not being afraid to respond."

Okay, well, first things first. I made the choice to not date back when I was ten or eleven. I read a handful of books, one specifically about courtship, and (of course) Joshua Harris' "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" (which I eventually came to dislike as a reference can't kiss dating goodbye unless you've dated. Irrelevent to my life.)

I'm not 100% sure what first struck me about courting that made me declare, "I'm never going to date!" Knowing me, it was probably the notion of there being ONE person who was infatuated by you enough to dedicate themselves to you right away with the intention of marriage.

That is probably why when I've had crushes on boys, I thought I was going to marry them..because I wasn't going to date multiple guys. There is only one out there for me. And we're going to get married. That's that. I'm still kind of like that, to a point, but my crushes are few and far between these days.

So it makes me a little quirky, that's okay. I've been happy. For a while in high school, my choice was reinforced because guys didn't give me a second glance. "Oh, no wonder I'm not dating. No one wants to date me!" But then again, I was also the most closet extrovert ever. I'd show you a picture of me from high school, but it's too embarassing. *shakes head* Because let's be honest: looks matter, to a point.

Moving on. it was easier to be a "non-dater" back then because really, none of my friends were dating. And then I went to college, and met more quality men than I had known in my tiny homeschool bubble (sorry, guys) and in Bible college, it's inevitable that everyone is going to marry each other. Who liked who and who heard from the Lord about whom was THE hot topic.

That last paragraph didn't make a whole lot of sense. Either way, we weren't allowed to date at Mount Zion, so my choice to not date was further encouraged. Of course, we always find ways to get around rules, don't we? Not always to an extreme (expecially if you're me). I don't think that story will ever be told on the internet.

And then by my last year in college, friends started getting engaged, married, pregnant. Eengaged, married, pregnant...and me? Very single. Always very single.

There were times when being single was more challenging than others. It's an area that the Lord has done a lot of work in. It's also an area that the Lord has really kept me in. For whatever reason (the Holy Spirit), I would be able to remind myself that it was worth it to wait. It was worth it. I wouldn't regret it. The Lord wants to give us the best, we don't have to go looking for it.

Yadda, yadda. Well, sometimes it sounded like yadda, yadda. Repeat things to yourself enough times and tell me it doesn't get old once in a while!

This past year has been a big learning year for me. What I really believe concerning the Lord, and my Christian walk. Figuring out what I'm really looking for in a man (and let's be real, as great as most of the guys were that I've liked in the past, there was always something that didn't jive that I couldn't think myself past.) Becoming confident in who I am as a person, and as a woman. Figuring out what I want to do concerning work and education. I just haven't been sure until now.

I went from being an insecure homeschooler to a sheltered Bible student...there hasn't been a lot of time for this kind of introspection by way of life experience. Being put in situations and being able to analyze it.  I'm behind, I'm sorry!

Anyway. My non-dating standards. They've evolved a lot, and they're kind of unconventional and impossible. I've even had argumments with my mom about them being too much. I don't know when it was that I became such a believer in the impossible. I just decided at some point that I can believe God to do anything if it's His will, and if it isn't His will, He will let me know because He doesn't play games with us. Anyhow, here:

I have always said, and wished (despite my actions back when I was really impatient and immature,) that someone will just be drawn to me. I don't date. I can flirt and respond to certain actions, but I really can't do too much about the gradual, "we've been together for a while and I think I know that I want to spend my life with you" thing. I want someone to "see me across a crowded room," as it were. To just be intrigued enough by me being me. Not by trying to get their attention, not by saying or doing the right things. By living my life. I know, it sounds insane. How can two people get together, let alone married without some kind of trial period? Well. Don't ask me, I don't know yet. I just believe it can happen.

It's in the Bible. Genesis 24, I think. Isaac sees Rebekah over the hill, and then they get married.  She was persueded to come and marry him by the Holy Spirit. She didn't know what his favorites things were right away. She just knew that he was a godly man and went with it.

And I'm waiting. I've seen too frequently the consequences of dating and I don't dig it. I don't want to deal with drama of not being sure because of failed relationships. I just want to know.

Sometimes I don't want to wait. Waiting is hard. Especially when everyone and their sister is getting hitched. Within the past two years or so, I've had...over ten people (not counting both people in the couple if I know them both, which I do for the most part,) get married or enganged. Most of those have been within the year. Only one couple I know got married in 2010. I believe. SO. It's all around me. It's challenging. But it's also encouraging because certain couples (Zeke and Kiaya, for example,) are incredible examples of people who are literally made for each other. I use them as examples for people all the time. They are literally hand crafted by God for each other. If they were with anyone else, it would be a mistake. The same is true for other couples, but I know them the best, so it's different. The same can be true for me. There is someone out there who is perfect for me and I am convinced to wait for him.

And to keep waiting. And to stay busy. That's new for me. Before, I was like, "Berpader, not in a relationship, I'm not doing anything with my life." Not the case anymore. I'm trying to stay busy. I'm seeking the Lord. Because really, He hasn't brought me together with "The One" because I'm not ready. And he probably isn't either. God's timing is perfect, I'm convinced. But I'm rebuilding my walk with the Lord so that I CAN be ready.

We have to do some of the work for things to happen in our lives.

I trust God. And God is faithful.

Well, I know that most of this has been a blur of me rambling, but hey. It's my blog. I do what I want. You chose to keep reading, if you made it this far. Thanks.

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