August 23, 2012

I like Train.

Just sayin'. Musically, they're very enjoyable. Vocally, they're not bad. Lyrically, I've mostly heard love songs, and I have no beef with that. I think my favorite song is "Drive By."

*sigh* Today. If there was ever an example of "the worst day ever" in my life, it would be today. Mostly the first part. The second part wasn't "bad", per se, but it was tainted by the first.

I know that the Lord has purpose in all things, and He places us where He wants us, and He puts things in our hands and tells us to deal with them in a Christ-like manner. But this? I want to throw it on the ground and run away. Unfortunately, running away is impossible.

And yes, I suppose we came to a conclusion, ultimately, but that doesn't mean it's been worked out through my heart and mind yet.

I don't even really know what it is that's so challenging. For whatever reason, I am fighting it hard. Mentally, emotionally...I am kicking and screaming, almost literally. And you know? I always wondered what people meant when they said they kicked and screamed through something the Lord put before them. I would think to myself, "Have I ever done that? Nothing's been that bad..I don't think.."

Now I know what it's like. Sure, there's always a light at the end of the tunnel, but reaching that light is 100% dependent on me and my willingness to obey. With each step of obedience is a step forward to the light.

Yet, I fight. I'm not sure, really, what the Lord wants to teach me. I can't name it off the top of my head. I can't look at my life and list off what I know the Lord wants to work out of me. I'm just not sure, but whatever it is, I have thus far bit and scratched at God about it.

And I don't feel myself being in a place of wanting to change, which is a little scary. I think I feel indignant, and again...I don't know why.

I don't always feel this way. I'm not walking under a dark cloud every day. I'm not always putting on a face and consciously suppressing my true feelings. Sometimes I don't think about it and I'm fine.

But then days like today happen and there is an explosion of self. It's very ugly. It's very comfortable. It's all wrong. And it won't go away until...something.


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