Things!

Our laptop is incredibly sensitive. The trackpad is like...HEY GUYS, GONNA DO WHATEVER I WANT KAY???????? And it's like..."oh...oh, okay..please stop...no, why? Please?"

It's bad. But at least we have a computer.

So, something is happening. It's really exciting. I haven't heard back any kind of confirmation from my Contact, so I won't say anything yet, buuuuuuuut.......

Let's just say it's pretty exciting, and it involves big changes. I think it's totally the right choice for me, and I believe that it's an open door from the Lord (though it seems too good to be true...but that's my skewed view of God, really. He doesn't ALWAYS want us to do things we think we're going to hate or whatever.)

I have told a handful of people here about it, but telling people that "I might be doing this," in real life is a bit more private than telling the internet, "I'M GONNA DO THIS." I'm still kind of in that, "Am I making this up?" phase of thinking. But, I don't think I am. I'm pretty sure it's real, and I'm pretty sure that last night both of my parents gave me their support, and I'm pretty sure that when I've been praying about it, the Lord hasn't put a check in my heart about it...not a real one, anyone. I mean, there's a difference between self doubt, and a spiritual check in your heart that something is wrong.

There's literally nothing wrong with this decision. It makes all kinds of crazy sense, which makes me think it's actually nonsense.

And it's like, it's a BIG DEAL for me. I talk about doing stuff like this, but it never actually presents itself as a real life opportunity. Just me thinking about how neat it would be if...

So, that's what's going on. I'm waiting for a solid confirmation from SOMEONE HINT HINT TEXT ME BACK. Just because I'm a little obsessive and like to know that things are settled.

I think that's it. Pirate Day was a success. The other day, I had to wait a million hours for my coffee at Starbucks, so I got a certificate for a free drink. It's sitting in my car until further notice. I bought some moccasin slippers yesterday from Target. I have literally been waiting so many months for them to go on clearance, and finally, yesterday, there they were. It was thrilling. And worth it. I came so close, so many times, to just blowing twenty bucks on them, but I know they aren't worth that much. Thirteen was much more feasible. If I had been even more patient, I probably could have gotten them cheaper, but I'm not.

My mom and I are going to see Lincoln tomorrow, with Priscilla and her mom. Should be a good time. I've heard nothing but god things about the movie. The man's method of acting seems incredibly legit, and I'm excited to watch it. I also adore Sally Field. Love her all kinds of lots.

I think that's about it. Hopefully I get what I'm waiting for to feel peace of mind about declaring this all over the interwebs SOON. Because I'm excited. And nervous. And doubting. And yet not doubting at all. But that's normal when you're about to do something this big, right?

I mean, I never thought that I would REALLY ever do something like this. That it would just be something I talked about and dreamed about doing. That's one way of knowing that this has to be the Lord because it's quite literally a dream come true. So, yeah.

And if you're any amount of observant, you might be able to figure out what I'm doing. I feel like I'm practically giving it away. lol

EDIT: Story time. So, last month, about a week before my Grandma passed away, I wrote to the yogurt company, Chobani, and thanked them for their product because it was really all my grandma could eat at that point. They wrote me back, about two or three days before she passed, and said that they were sorry to hear that she was sick, and that they were going to send us a box of vanilla yogurt (the flavor that she could take because it didn't have any fruit pieces in it.)

Well, we received that shipment a few days ago. Of course, it was a little sad, but just the fact that they did it was so genuinely kind.

Today, I got another email from them. The lady who wrote said that she came across my previous email, and wanted to reach out to me. She said that they wanted to send us some of their new products, etc for us to enjoy. I wrote her back, explaining that my grandma had passed away, so I didn't want them to feel obligated to do it.

She just wrote again, sending her condolences, and they're going to send us yogurt anyway.

I mean, who does that? Who, in a big corporate company opens up an old email and says, "Hey, let's send this family more free stuff!" What? Who does that? I'm literally amazed by their kindness.

NON-CONFORMIST.

I've been thinking about my dream to have my own coffee shop.

When I tell people about it, I kind of preface myself with, "I know it's crazy..." but then I've encountered a few things within the past couple days that have made me think otherwise. One of them is this:

This is a man. A man who designs shoes. A man who sincerely believes in the importance of elegant footwear. He has a signature for each pair (they're red on the bottom. I only caught onto this because of Pinterest.)

I mean, who am I to know what beautiful shoes are? I have no clue. But this guy does. At some point, this man said, "Dangit, I'm going to design shoes, and they're going to be bloody fabulous, whether people buy them or not."

And now he's a freaking shoe mogul or something.

And then, there are these men who started a coffee roasting company, Handsome Coffee Roasters.

Under each of their personal stories, there are a series of questions. One of the questions is "Why coffee?" One of the men answer with: "Because I (REALLY) love it."

And so these guys roast and make coffee for a living. Someone had to. They're doing it because they love it, and are committed to making some freaking awesome coffee (well, they say it's that good. I've never had it.)

So, I think to myself, "WHY exactly is it so far off for me to want to have my own business, birthed out of a love for coffee, where my goal is to give people a chance to sit, relax, and enjoy a cup of joe?"

Fact is, it's not. I could probably run it out of my house, if I had to (that is, if I ever had my own place.)

I mean, WHY NOT? Why do I feel like I'm somehow degrading my life's worth by saying, "I love coffee, and my career goal is to make coffee for people."

Who says that I HAVE to "sit in a booth, like a veal"? Why? There is absolutely no logical reason for it. I don't have the education to get me any kind of "well-paying" job, I don't have the experience to get an kind of "normal" job..why? Why do I torment myself?

WHY? Why CAN'T I force myself to wait two weeks and pay off that last $45 to Mt. Zion? Why can't I, after that, sign up for Mass Grants, and get my Associates in Business? Why then, after THAT, can't I just make myself a coffee shop? Somewhere. Anywhere. Make a deal to borrow space from someone? I can totally DO that. If I can get myself a free gym membership in exchange for no more than eight hours of work in an entire week, and KEEP IT for over a year so far, why can't I cut a deal with someone for cafe space? Just start with a coffee pot. Make some different syrups for variety. Use all those gajillion mugs that I have collected, and charge a buck?

WHY CAN'T I JUST DO WHAT I LOVE? *frustrated artist sigh*

So, that's what's on my mind.

Disappointment.

Today was an annoying day.

I woke up early to go babysit in Amesbury. I pull in right on time, and see no cars...what? Did I miss the memo? Since when do homeschoolers care about MLK Day? I try calling the leader, her phone is down. I leave, and come home. Annoyed, and disappointed. This babysitting gig is my one source of income - thirty dollars. When I was originally offered the job, I almost said no because I thought I was going to be working at CBD. Obviously that fell through, and I'm thankful for what I can get.

I go out to run errands with dad, and I'm worried that I'm going to be late for my hair appointment.  I was annoyed. I got to the salon, and find out that I'm scheduled for NEXT Monday. Okay..

So, I mean, I know that other people are off way worse than I am, but it's just been a genuinely annoying day. Nothing very exciting happened, I have eight dollars to my name, and with all the wasted driving, my gas tank is just getting lower and lower.

I know it could be worse, and I'm sorry for complaining. It's just disappointing. It's disappointing to keep bumping into closed doors, and being left hanging with job applications. No one is hiring. I know that the Lord will open a door when it's the right time, but in the spirit of being proactive, it's just a lot of rejection. I know that I don't have anything to offer. I know that I DO have things to offer, but let's face it, in the real world it doesn't matter.

Last week, I was talking with one of the moms at the homeschool group I babysit for. I was like, "You hear about problems in the country, but for me, I never think that any of it will really reach me...it's a big country, you know? I'm a really small part of America." And yet, I'm one of those young people that they talk about on the news. Someone who went to college, came home anticipating work, and getting nothing and nowhere.

I don't know..it's just one of those things that you can't connect with until you're forced to. Like people having sex before they get married. "No one REALLY does that......no, actually, almost everyone does."Or, "I'm sure that it's scary to know someone who has cancer. Oh..my mom has cancer? Wait.." Like, you hear about it happening with everyone else, but forget that the world is really small, and it's going to affect you too.

Anyway. So, I'm a little down today. Feeling like I don't want to get out of bed in the morning and sleep away my problems. Unfortunately, I have an early, and busy day tomorrow. I won't be able to sleep away the world until Thursday.

Well, that's all I guess.

Fo Sho Bro.

Anyone have cable that wants to invite me over to their house on February 15th to watch Psych all night long? Thanks.

I went for a run today, which was good because I haven't worked out for a couple days. I made a mile, with a couple of stops because my asthma was acting up. I need to build up my stamina again, because when I first started a few months ago, my asthma became a non-issue. But I'm glad I made the mile, and I'm just glad I went out - I was really craving a run. It wasn't too gross outside either, which was a plus.

Had a nice night with Priscilla last night. We didn't go to the Bible study because most of the group was at a retreat or something. So instead, I went over to her place. We watched Sense & Sensibility, and talked for a couple hours after that. It was really great, I love that we're hanging out.

It was also an interesting night, but I won't go into details, because that would be foolish. Let's just say that I need to pray more, and leave it at that, eh? haha

Oh, I'm going to a cooking class tomorrow! It starts at 11 am, so my plan is to make it to the 8:30 service at CCC and head to the class from there. I need to look up how far away Lynnfield is from Peabody. I don't think it's very far.

Anyway, the class is at Williams-Sonoma, and it's free. They have a free cooking class of some kind almost every weekend. Tomorrow's is about cooking vegetarian foods. It should be a lot of fun, and maybe I can make a habit out of going, which would be super.

Well, there isn't much more to say. I was doing really well at being pretty structured, but I'm kind of losing ground with a few things. Mostly working out and keeping my room organized. I'm getting better at doing devotions though - devotional books AND the Bible, which makes me really happy.

Oh, neat story - yesterday, I went job-hunting, and ended up in a Used Book store. The man wasn't hiring, but the fellow who was there, chatting with him, told me that his daughter owns a business in Haverhill, and last he heard, was looking to hire someone. I gave him my info, and we'll see what comes about with that. She's in Seattle right now, so it'll probably be a few days before I hear from her again.

I knew this was going to be an interesting year. I can already sense the air shifting...kind of like Pocahontas. That's weird.

Just sayin'...

Benedict Cumberbatch is single, and frankly, I think he and I could make it work. He wants to just settle down with someone who isn't famous. Man, that is TOTALLY me. I'm completely not famous, and am completely willing to marry him.

Yup. Hey, ll I know is that John Travolta's wife had a crush on him, and they got married. Kate Middleton? She was totally not Royal, and captured the heart of Prince William.

CRAZIER THINGS HAVE HAPPENED, PEOPLE.

So, yeah.

Nothing is something, I suppose.

I'm trying to clean up my design a little bit. I decided that the main part of the banner was tooo...eh. I love the quote, so I'm keeping that there. It's hard for me to get int my bog design, because I usually just change it constantly. It'd be nice if I had better skills. That's okay.

So, my life is really pretty dull these days. I have laundry that I am neglecting to put away, because I am a bum. I've been exercising for about an hour 1/2 every day (save yesterday. I took a break.) So, that's good. I've been eating a lot of carrots. Basically just trying to do specific things each day for my health, instead of being so broad-minded about my health plans.

I'm trying to read more, because as you may recall, one of my resolutions is to read all of my books in a year. It's hard! Three weeks in, and I'm hardly to the middle of Wuthering Heights, not to mention all the books I started LAST year that I keep picking up and putting down. It's ridiculous!

My friend Priscilla and I went to a Bible study last week, out in Revere. It was really great, and we had a lot of fun. I've known her for several years, but before this, Priscilla and I really haven't hung out outside of Camp and NBF outreaches, and other various things, but we had a lot of fun. She and I are a lot alike, which is what my mom told me, but you know how I can be. I know it's a god idea to do something, I just never do. Hanging out with Priscilla was one of those things. I'm a loser, I know.

Anyway, it was the first time, in a long time, that I went to something new, with someone who is fairly new to me, and had a genuinely nice experience. I felt comfortable, with the atmosphere, and with myself...I was able to force myself out of my quiet, observant shell and actually participated in bible study discussion, and made conversation with one of the girls there for a long time (at the restaurant, that is. We all went out to eat after the study.) I mean, the fact that I did any of it, and was successfully social is still mind-blowing to me.

That's probably one of my subconscious resolutions - I always get on myself in public situations about how quiet I am. I don't want to be so shut in. So yesterday, at small group, I finally worked out of my shell, and participated in discussion. I felt great for doing it.

What isn't great is my lack of job-getting. I've put in a few applications that I need to follow up on, probably tomorrow, and my mom urged me again tonight to apply at Market Basket :P Meh.

But, if I really want a job, I'll apply, right? Yeah, basically.

I like that I'm seeing myself actually becoming the kind of woman that I want to be. Not completely, but instead of just imagining my future self, I am becoming my future self..in the present.

Even spiritually, which is actually the most challenging. I've been reading the Bible, and some devotionals way more consistently that I have before. It's really good. I've been really honest and up-front with the Lord about where I'm at, and when He said, "Okay, then," to my prayer, I recognized it and didn't shrink away from it. It's hard for sure, but at least it's happening.

So, I'm boring, gradually becoming consistent with my goals, and I guess being productive (except for that dang laundry. I was doing a good job with it, but this week has just been like, "Meh, whatevs, clothes." And I NEVER say "whatevs." EVER.

Finally, a post with a little bit of substance. Sorry for those stupid ones down there. Just felt like blogging, and never had anything good to say.

Well, that's it. Have fun.

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That's pretty much all I have to write these days.


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Worst blog post ever.

Annoyed. Or something.

I'm not sure what's up with me. I'm all out of wack for some reason. I feel...annoyed? Melancholy? Agitated? I'm really not sure. I'm sure I'll be fine once I fall asleep and then wake up tomorrow.

You know, I honestly think it might be my outfit. I opted to wear my old black Converse, jeans, and a bulky hoodie. An outfit straight from high school. My hair is pulled back in a bun, and I literally look like I just got back from Agape. I didn't want to look really nice for some reason. I was looking at myself in the mirror and said to myself, "Hannah, you really need to figure out who you are." True story. I enjoy bulky sweatshirts. However, in this particular outfit, I associated it with how awkward and uncomfortable with myself I was for so long. I hid under sweatshirts. I typically just wear them for warmth, as workout clothes, or to feel cozy now. This wasn't the case for many years.

Maybe that's the problem. It's psychological. I figured as much.

DLKDFLKNDFGLKNDFGKLFLKNDFGKLNDFKLnFB. Don't mind me as I feel like I've been thrown in a washing machine, and yet am still trying to walk straight through each day like I know what's going or, or what I'm doing, or where I'm going.

I was talking with one of the trainers the other day about work, or lack thereof. How I wish that I could get a job so that I feel like I'm doing something with my life, so thatI have something to simply just DO. He agreed with the sentiment, but then pointed out the simple fact that having a job tends to make you wish that you could do something with your life.

We settled the chit chat with the simple fact that life is life, and it would be so easy if we could only make things work out the way we want. And yet, we are held back.

I'm trying to balance trusting the Lord with not being lazy about finding work.

The past.

I just finished looking through photos from my second year in Bible college. I have the most vivid memories from that year, I think. It was a peak of grown-up immaturity for me, and clicking through all the pictures would, at times, just make me cringe with...not necessarily regret, but something similar.

I have changed so much just as a human being. The way I carry myself, the way I dress, the way I put hair product on my hair. I mean, it doesn't feel like it was three years ago that I was wearing thick-posted plastic star-shaped earrings and a tie-dye hoodie that didn't quite fit. I mean, in some ways, concerning those things, even, I haven't changed and yet I feel older. More mature, even if..not.

Who knows. All I know is that there were some pictures that I saw, I remembered precisely what I did when the picture was taken, and I would roll my eyes at myself, so far back into my head, and shudder with a gentle kind of disgust at myself.

UHG. anyway. That's what inspired me today. I write about second year a lot. A lot happened that year. It was big for me.

Went to church as a family today, which was great. We missed worship, but the sermon was just what I needed to hear. I'm so glad that I've found a church.

Well, I should sign off. I need to go get some exercise in before it's time for DOWNTON ABBEY.

OH EM GEE DOWNTON ABBEY.

Clearwater, FL?

So, I think that something about my dad's computer is synced into Florida. Almost every time I come to my blog, "Clearwater, FL" has also just arrived. It's weird.

Today has been full of idiots. We had no half and half this morning for coffee. I went to get some. The lady at the supermarket was a meanie, which is irrelevant to the idiots. So, I'm on my way home. I turn onto my street. I see a lady, walking her two Corgis in the middle of the road. At first it looks like she's going to move over and get out of my way, but in fact, she moves to the center of my lane, and stays there. I literally slow down to a stop and wait for her to move. It took at least a minute for her to turn around and get out of the way. I mean, Corgis are cute, I like them, but they have ridiculously short legs. They can't walk fast enough to matter. when she finally saw me, she and her dumb dogs started "running" over into the middle of the opposite lane.

And then tonight, on my way home from the gym, these two punky kids are walking, again, in the middle of the lane. I'm coming around a sharp curve in my street, and almost hit them because they are IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LANE. Side by side, thus taking up more space.

Seriously people? My street connects the 97 to the 133. You act like it's deserted and no one travels it ever. GET A CLUE.

>_< Anyway. People on Facebook were idiots too, unfortunately. However, fortunately, when I told someone about it, they got upset as well. I was worried that I was over-reacting, but really, I'm not.

If you represent a Bible college, homosexuality is not something that you can use as a joke. It just isn't, no matter what you represent, but especially a college that doesn't support the homosexual lifestyle. Talk about being disrespectful across the board.

O_O ANYWAY. Aside from all the stupid people, this was a really nice day. Mrs. Smith stopped by, and she, my mother and I had a really nice time chatting and laughing. She was here for quite a while, it was great.

They both convinced me to go apply at Market Basket. The one place that I have never wanted to work. Just wait. Watch me get hired, and be able to live out all my dreams. I don't doubt it at all.

I had a good workout. I stopped myself from buying ice cream just now at the store. I HAVE been eating a lot of wheat, though. Uncool. Because, see, I have this weight loss goal that ends by my birthday.

But ya know, there is always a new chance to make better decisions. I just have to make the right decisions all the time, not when I feel like it.

This is probably why I don't have a job yet. I'm still trying to juggle holding my regular life together. Ridiculous.

Okay, I'm done complaining and whatever else it is that I'm doing.

People are dumb, and sometimes I'm dumb, and sometimes people are dumber than me.

Also, DOWNTON ABBEY WAS AMAZING ON SUNDAY. AMAZING. SO FREAKING GOOD.

Train lyrics in my head.

Today is the first "back to normal" day for me. Babysitting in Amesbury is back on, and I'm going to do some work at the gym in a little while.

I think my time at Wicked Big is done for now. It's kind of sad, but I'm okay with it. I haven't gone in for a couple weeks, and today, since I was mailing packages and the Cafe is down the street, I went and got a cup of coffee. There was no mention of when I was going to come in again, so I didn't bring it up. Like I said, it's okay, though. He let me come in to train me, and really, I've got a basic handle on making coffee, so there's no need for me to keep going.

But of course I'll still go to hang out. It was nice - I walked in and everyone was happy to see me. Like Cheers: Where everybody knows your name. Haha, I know, that was corny. But it's true. And it's nice to be friends with the people in my local coffee shop. It's something I've always wanted, actually. I know, my dreams are so pathetic. Don't care.

At this point, with so much free time on my hands, I really have to be accountable to myself for trying to find work and stuff. I can't use the excuse of needing to be home, so I can't commit to anything yet. Doors will open, but I have to try walking through them first.

It'll be nice when I have other things to blog about aside from trying to find a job :P

I just can't do much else until I do. I could be crazy and try to move somewhere...but not until I have enough money saved. Which I can't save until I have it..coming into my life.

ANYWAY. Moving on. I have yet to grab hold onto my resolution to read more books. Maybe after the gym today I'll sit down and FINALLY make some headway on Wuthering Heights. I don't know how many times I've started that book and then put it down again. I'm in the middle of SO MANY BOOKS. UHG. I'm a terrible bookworm.

Well, time to get ready to go. 

Hello, again.

Today has been a simple day. My cousin came over and she, my mother and I packed up most of Grandma's stuff. Took some things. I took a couple of her goose-down pillows. She loved them, and I have always loved how soft they were. I took some other random things..not necessarily for any really personal memory behind it. I don't want to take things just to take them. I took a pair of mittens that are big and cozy and probably crazy warm, and I like to use things that have memories behind them if I can. Unless I can somehow create a piece of art or something...like, Beth is going to make a shadowbox. But I'm not crafty..not to make anything sentimental. So, I took things that I liked, could remember her using or really liking, and that I could use. Maybe it sounds kind of greedy, but that's not my heart.

That's just how I like memories. Something that I won't have to just have and remember because I went through a box of stuff that I kept. Something that I can utilize in a simple way, but it's meaningful at the same time.

Anyway. That's mostly been the day so far. I have a workout later, and tomorrow.

So, I came up with a new resolution for myself. I've always hated oatmeal. My Grandma tired to get me to eat it for years because it was good for me, but I just hated it so much. I tried it again at the end of my internship, and...uhg, it was gross. I couldn't handle it.

BUT I know it's really good for me. Healthy people eat oatmeal. My boss at the gym was shocked that I didn't like oatmeal, lol. So, I'm going to try. People have given me suggestions on Facebook for how to make it tasty. Mostly by putting sugar in it...which I think defeats the purpose, but to start, it's probably the only way to go.

I'm thinking of putting granola in it, because I don't like slimy food. If it has to be slimy, I like something to add texture to it. So...since granola is pretty much crunchy oatmeal, I figure it wouldn't hurt to try. Plus, that can add some flavor too.

We'll see.

Well, it seems like the beginning of the year always invites boring posts. Nothing going on. Nothing started. Nowhere to go.

I'm trying to get some babysitting gigs. They can pay really well, and it's really the only work that I have the most experience for. Now that I have a car, it'll be easier to get hired. Most jobs require that you have transportation. So, we'll see.

BORING POST.

New look.

I've mentioned before that one of my favorite people is Abby from Vanilla & Lace. She is one of those people that I think is just plain ol' COOL. If we went to school together, I would have been too nervous to try and be her friend directly. If I played my cards right, I would have become her friend by association, but would have still been too nervous to REALLY be her friend.

I know, I'm pathetic. Well, anyway, my new blog look is inspired her. Her blog is incredibly minimalistic. I appreciate the look, and the fact that I used the same yellow is more of a coincidence. I like the yellow.

Well, even though it's a little embarrassing that I'm copying someone, I don't care. I totally aspire to be as cool as her. Maybe I'll even marry a rockstar.

Probably not.

It's the second day of the new year. It feels like it's going to take so long to get to December again, but it is going to be here in no time.

My friend Samantha and I are going to have our friend Christmas tonight. Swap gifts and laugh and drink coffee. It's not very different from what we do every time, except we don't give each other gifts very willy-nilly.

I'm trying to round up my life a little bit. I went to the gym and wrote myself into some slots for the next couple weeks. Tomorrow I go in at 9:30 in the morning. That's me being idealistic about not going bed at 4 am and waking up at 2 in the afternoon. I want to be more of a morning person. Not necessarily early morning, but before 10 would be nice. Even though I have no life, I don't want to constantly live like I'm unemployed.

Even if that means I only wake up at 9 in the morning and don't do anything else for the rest of the day.

Not much to say at this point. There isn't a whole lot going on, and everything is sort of at a standstill until Grandma's memorial service this Sunday. That will probably bring some sense of closure to everything..at least for me, It's different for everyone.