Well, hello.
When last we spoke, you had just finished reading my Romantic Epic. As you're probably aware, four days after the final installment, my boyfriend flew up and proposed to me, thus becoming my fiance. We proceeded to have a not-long-enough blissful week of enjoying each other's company - when I wasn't working.
The story of how the night of his proposal went down is chaotic to say the least, but let's say that there were late flights, forgotten sparklers, and lots of spilled sparkling cider. His grandmother came up with him, and meeting her was fantastic. She could tell within minutes that Tim and I were a good match. "Tim is the boy version of Hannah, and Hannah is the girl version of Tim." It's really a quite accurate observation. We're different, but the same.
From that point, I managed to round up my bridesmaids, maid of honor, and matron of honor, as well as find a wedding dress.
From there, I went to Europe for two weeks, where I walked miles, and miles, and enjoyed so much bread. It was an incredible experience, but it was, I'll admit, partially overwhelmed by my excited for my trip to Florida that was coming three days after I got home.
I went to Florida for a week, and enjoyed absolutely every minute with the man I love. I met family, and friends, and church folk.
My fiance is an incredible man, folks. I love him more than I did a week ago, or a month ago, or two months ago. There is no man that I've known who I could be more excited to call my husband. I can't wait to live life with him.
So - I had a good month of vacation. Now, I'm home and busier than ever. I got a minor promotion at work, I got a second job, I'm planning my wedding, I'm looking for a place for Tim and I to live, I've begun running again, AND I'm in college again. There is, to state the obvious, a lot to do.
I'm thankful, though. I'm thankful that I don't feel overwhelmed. I'm thankful that the Lord is proving Himself to be true to His character, and is bringing things together seamlessly, in His right time. I'm thankful that my second job is something I can do from home. I'm thankful that I have a reason to not quit my job at the cafe. I'm thankful that I'm acing my class so far. I'm thankful that wedding plans are only a little stressful, and actually coming together fine. I'm thankful that I feel more organized than I do scattered.
This is a good season of my life. I'm thankful that this has been such a NICE year. Last year was the definition of hellish, and this year has been the opposite. I'm thankful that I trust the Lord again.
I am blessed.
August 31, 2015
July 10, 2015
I can't help falling in love - Part Four - CONCLUSION
"Wise men say / Only fools rush in / But I can't help falling in love with you..."
The last two and a half days of Tim's visit were a whirlwind. An incredible, beautiful, perfect whirlwind.
We went to church on Sunday morning, and I loved sitting next to this man that I was beginning to absolutely adore. He put his arm around me during the sermon, and it was exactly as I had imagined it would be the Sunday before. I saw us, sitting in that pew, together. It happened, and it was...perfect. I belong by his side, and he next to mine.
I don't remember exactly what the sermon was about, to be honest, but my father preached, and it was a message that I knew I needed to hear. When the time of an alter call approached, I knew three things:
1) I had a good thing in Tim.
2) I could acknowledge this, repent to God for my unbelief, and go forward with blessing.
Or,
3) I could acknowledge this, continue in my stubborn disbelief, and be in contention with God.
I knew that if I kept going forward the way that I had been, things would not go well for me. There is blessing when we believe, and trust God.
I didn't want to risk it. I wanted to be right with God. I knew that Tim was a gift, and I didn't want to ruin anything.
So, I went forward. I repented for my unbelief. I chose to trust God again. I felt new. I walked back to our pew, wiping tears from my eyes, and stood with Tim, who was misty-eyed, himself.
We left church, and headed to Maine. We held hands, and just before we reached Jill and Kate's home, Tim said this:
Him: There was something I wanted to say to you last night, but I got nervous.
Me: Tell me!
(Pause)
Him: I wanted to tell you that I like, like you.
Me: Awwww! I like, like you, too.
Let me set the scene of the night before, for you. Tim had been a dear, and made up my bed on the sofa for me (which he proceeded to do the following nights of his stay, and it was wicked sweet, and wonderful.) He took a shower, and I was laying in bed (read: sofa.) Before he went to bed, he leaned on the arm of the sofa, hovering over my head.
Me: Hey.
Him: What's up?
Me: (Reaches up and pats his beard.)
Him: Well, good night.
HA. Oh, my gosh. We still get a kick out of this whenever we talk about, because it was so random and hilarious! I didn't know what he was doing, and he didn't know what I was doing, and whatever it was was cute, and awkward, and when he closed the door to my room, and snuggled under my blanket, and smiled to myself thinking, "He likes me."
It was adorable, guys, okay?
Back to Sunday.
We spent the afternoon with Jill, and Kate, who, as always, were lovely hosts. Tim enjoyed being with them, and I'm thankful that they are in our lives. At one point, Tim was talking to Kate in the kitchen, and my mother and Auntie Jill wanted to know if anything had happened. So we grabbed dad, and all went outside to "look at the flowers," so that I could tell them about what happened in the car. I told dad that he should probably be prepared to have a more serious dad talk with Tim, because we were definitely on the verge of being in a relationship.
When Tim and I left the house, my dad's last words to him were, "We'll talk tonight." Not ominous at all.
We stopped by Starbucks so that he could meet some friends, and then went home. We had planned on going to the beach to look at the stars, so we pretty much just hung out until dark. We didn't leave before talking as a group with my parents, though.
Dad came home from the prison, and we all sat in the living room, and talked. We had an open conversation about courtship, about certain expectations, and basically got the green light to be together.
The best part of that talk was when Tim and I mutually expressed that we never thought we would find anyone like each other. Both of us had really given up, and neither of us know where we would be now if that week hadn't happened when it did.
Family talk was a success! Tim and I went off for a late night drive to the beach to look at the stars. We got a little lost, made ourselves Facebook official, and when we finally found the beach, discovered that it was a little cloudy, and really chilly. The blanket we brought with us was barely warm enough.
We huddled close together, sitting in a lovely state of bliss, talking...shivering...kissing. It was great. The best part is that we got kicked off the beach by a police officer, and our romance officially became like a Hollywood rom-com. We still laugh about it, and probably will for the rest of our lives.
We made our way home, and tried watching a movie - we watched a lot of movies. I believe it was Sunday night...no, maybe Saturday night...that we stayed up till sunrise. No, it must have been Sunday. Either way. We were up til sunrise at some point. It was romantic, okay?
Monday was a rainy day, we took a road trip to Rhode Island to visit a family friend of Tim's. They are a lovely couple, and I loved meeting them. We had a really nice time together. On the way there, and on the way home, Tim slept a while each way. All I could do was keep myself from crying out of gratitude to God. I had a man dozing on my shoulder who was everything I had dreamed of. Who wanted to be with me, and thought I was fantastic just for who I was. I didn't deserve that! I didn't deserve anything. But I was blessed. And I was overwhelmed.
Monday night, though...that fateful night. Tim and I drove to Haverhill to pick up pizza. He had his arms wrapped around me as I drove, and we talked. I was sharing my heart with him about the place I had been in, about how he was everything that I had given up on. I couldn't stop myself from crying. I cry, okay? I felt Tim rub his face on my shoulder, after he had handed me a tissue, and he said something to imply that he was crying.
The actual timetable of the following moments is jumbled, because we were both feeling a lot of feelings.
He told me that he loved me.
I took a deep breath. I smiled, I shook my head in happy disbelief. More tears.
I asked him if he really loved me. He said he did.
I remembered what I had been told in my spirit on Thursday...to take him at his word.
And I knew I loved him, too. I knew that I would never find anyone else like him.
So I told him that I loved him.
And we cried.
The tissues are still in my car.
Before he went inside to get the pizza, he wrapped his arms around me. And I did what I only know how to do, now...I was honest, and straight forward.
"I only know how to just say things," I said. "But you should probably propose sooner than later. Talk to my dad about this."
He didn't disagree. We went home. The pizza made all of us feel gross.
Dad said his good nights, and I gave Tim a nudge to talk to him about what had happened. He stood up, about to do it, looked at me, I gave him a "you can do it" wink, and then he sat down. I can't blame him. It's a terrifying thing to bring up to the father of the woman you love. I told him that he didn't have to do it now if he felt it wasn't time, but encouraged him to not be nervous.
And like the incredible man that he is, he stood up, and went to talk to my dad. I don't know what they said to each other, but I told my mom what had happened. Tim and my father emerged from the room. I don't quite remember what happened.
I know that Tim and I cuddled on the sofa watching a movie for the rest of the night. And long after the movie ended. We didn't want the night to end. He was leaving the next day. It was awful. But we were in love. We are in love.
Tuesday came. We reluctantly parted ways. I watched Tim walk into the airport, and he kept turning back to look at me (I told you, it's like a movie, for real.)
So, now, we talk every day. In the late hours of the night, or the wee hours of the morning. Our record so far is six hours of video chatting until about 5 or so in the morning. SIX HOURS. And we probably coud have kept going, but geez, I guess we should get sleep?
It's amazing, guys. God is so faithful. He has been so faithful to us. We both know that this is nothing except a work of God, honestly. It's too crazy to not be God.
So, I'm thankful. And incandescently happy. I've found my true soulmate. The one my soul loves. I had a rocky journey to find him, but it happened. I can't wait to see what our future together holds.
----------------------------------
Psalm 145:17-21
The Lord is righteous in all His ways and faithful in all He does.
The Lord is near to all who call on Him, to all who call on Him in truth.
He fulfills the desires of those who fear Him; He hears their cry and saves them.
The Lord watches over all who love Him, but all the wicked He will destroy.
My mouth will spesk in praise of the Lord. Let every creature praise His holy name for ever and ever.
The last two and a half days of Tim's visit were a whirlwind. An incredible, beautiful, perfect whirlwind.
We went to church on Sunday morning, and I loved sitting next to this man that I was beginning to absolutely adore. He put his arm around me during the sermon, and it was exactly as I had imagined it would be the Sunday before. I saw us, sitting in that pew, together. It happened, and it was...perfect. I belong by his side, and he next to mine.
I don't remember exactly what the sermon was about, to be honest, but my father preached, and it was a message that I knew I needed to hear. When the time of an alter call approached, I knew three things:
1) I had a good thing in Tim.
2) I could acknowledge this, repent to God for my unbelief, and go forward with blessing.
Or,
3) I could acknowledge this, continue in my stubborn disbelief, and be in contention with God.
I knew that if I kept going forward the way that I had been, things would not go well for me. There is blessing when we believe, and trust God.
I didn't want to risk it. I wanted to be right with God. I knew that Tim was a gift, and I didn't want to ruin anything.
So, I went forward. I repented for my unbelief. I chose to trust God again. I felt new. I walked back to our pew, wiping tears from my eyes, and stood with Tim, who was misty-eyed, himself.
We left church, and headed to Maine. We held hands, and just before we reached Jill and Kate's home, Tim said this:
Him: There was something I wanted to say to you last night, but I got nervous.
Me: Tell me!
(Pause)
Him: I wanted to tell you that I like, like you.
Me: Awwww! I like, like you, too.
Let me set the scene of the night before, for you. Tim had been a dear, and made up my bed on the sofa for me (which he proceeded to do the following nights of his stay, and it was wicked sweet, and wonderful.) He took a shower, and I was laying in bed (read: sofa.) Before he went to bed, he leaned on the arm of the sofa, hovering over my head.
Me: Hey.
Him: What's up?
Me: (Reaches up and pats his beard.)
Him: Well, good night.
HA. Oh, my gosh. We still get a kick out of this whenever we talk about, because it was so random and hilarious! I didn't know what he was doing, and he didn't know what I was doing, and whatever it was was cute, and awkward, and when he closed the door to my room, and snuggled under my blanket, and smiled to myself thinking, "He likes me."
It was adorable, guys, okay?
Back to Sunday.
We spent the afternoon with Jill, and Kate, who, as always, were lovely hosts. Tim enjoyed being with them, and I'm thankful that they are in our lives. At one point, Tim was talking to Kate in the kitchen, and my mother and Auntie Jill wanted to know if anything had happened. So we grabbed dad, and all went outside to "look at the flowers," so that I could tell them about what happened in the car. I told dad that he should probably be prepared to have a more serious dad talk with Tim, because we were definitely on the verge of being in a relationship.
When Tim and I left the house, my dad's last words to him were, "We'll talk tonight." Not ominous at all.
We stopped by Starbucks so that he could meet some friends, and then went home. We had planned on going to the beach to look at the stars, so we pretty much just hung out until dark. We didn't leave before talking as a group with my parents, though.
Dad came home from the prison, and we all sat in the living room, and talked. We had an open conversation about courtship, about certain expectations, and basically got the green light to be together.
The best part of that talk was when Tim and I mutually expressed that we never thought we would find anyone like each other. Both of us had really given up, and neither of us know where we would be now if that week hadn't happened when it did.
Family talk was a success! Tim and I went off for a late night drive to the beach to look at the stars. We got a little lost, made ourselves Facebook official, and when we finally found the beach, discovered that it was a little cloudy, and really chilly. The blanket we brought with us was barely warm enough.
We huddled close together, sitting in a lovely state of bliss, talking...shivering...kissing. It was great. The best part is that we got kicked off the beach by a police officer, and our romance officially became like a Hollywood rom-com. We still laugh about it, and probably will for the rest of our lives.
We made our way home, and tried watching a movie - we watched a lot of movies. I believe it was Sunday night...no, maybe Saturday night...that we stayed up till sunrise. No, it must have been Sunday. Either way. We were up til sunrise at some point. It was romantic, okay?
Monday was a rainy day, we took a road trip to Rhode Island to visit a family friend of Tim's. They are a lovely couple, and I loved meeting them. We had a really nice time together. On the way there, and on the way home, Tim slept a while each way. All I could do was keep myself from crying out of gratitude to God. I had a man dozing on my shoulder who was everything I had dreamed of. Who wanted to be with me, and thought I was fantastic just for who I was. I didn't deserve that! I didn't deserve anything. But I was blessed. And I was overwhelmed.
Monday night, though...that fateful night. Tim and I drove to Haverhill to pick up pizza. He had his arms wrapped around me as I drove, and we talked. I was sharing my heart with him about the place I had been in, about how he was everything that I had given up on. I couldn't stop myself from crying. I cry, okay? I felt Tim rub his face on my shoulder, after he had handed me a tissue, and he said something to imply that he was crying.
The actual timetable of the following moments is jumbled, because we were both feeling a lot of feelings.
He told me that he loved me.
I took a deep breath. I smiled, I shook my head in happy disbelief. More tears.
I asked him if he really loved me. He said he did.
I remembered what I had been told in my spirit on Thursday...to take him at his word.
And I knew I loved him, too. I knew that I would never find anyone else like him.
So I told him that I loved him.
And we cried.
The tissues are still in my car.
Before he went inside to get the pizza, he wrapped his arms around me. And I did what I only know how to do, now...I was honest, and straight forward.
"I only know how to just say things," I said. "But you should probably propose sooner than later. Talk to my dad about this."
He didn't disagree. We went home. The pizza made all of us feel gross.
Dad said his good nights, and I gave Tim a nudge to talk to him about what had happened. He stood up, about to do it, looked at me, I gave him a "you can do it" wink, and then he sat down. I can't blame him. It's a terrifying thing to bring up to the father of the woman you love. I told him that he didn't have to do it now if he felt it wasn't time, but encouraged him to not be nervous.
And like the incredible man that he is, he stood up, and went to talk to my dad. I don't know what they said to each other, but I told my mom what had happened. Tim and my father emerged from the room. I don't quite remember what happened.
I know that Tim and I cuddled on the sofa watching a movie for the rest of the night. And long after the movie ended. We didn't want the night to end. He was leaving the next day. It was awful. But we were in love. We are in love.
Tuesday came. We reluctantly parted ways. I watched Tim walk into the airport, and he kept turning back to look at me (I told you, it's like a movie, for real.)
So, now, we talk every day. In the late hours of the night, or the wee hours of the morning. Our record so far is six hours of video chatting until about 5 or so in the morning. SIX HOURS. And we probably coud have kept going, but geez, I guess we should get sleep?
It's amazing, guys. God is so faithful. He has been so faithful to us. We both know that this is nothing except a work of God, honestly. It's too crazy to not be God.
So, I'm thankful. And incandescently happy. I've found my true soulmate. The one my soul loves. I had a rocky journey to find him, but it happened. I can't wait to see what our future together holds.
----------------------------------
Psalm 145:17-21
The Lord is righteous in all His ways and faithful in all He does.
The Lord is near to all who call on Him, to all who call on Him in truth.
He fulfills the desires of those who fear Him; He hears their cry and saves them.
The Lord watches over all who love Him, but all the wicked He will destroy.
My mouth will spesk in praise of the Lord. Let every creature praise His holy name for ever and ever.
I can't help falling in love - Part Three
So, Tim is in Massachusetts. I forgot to mention a nice thing in the previous post from the night we sat in the apartment, talking. I asked him how he felt so far, and he said that he felt at home with my parents. Which was really neat. Onward.
Both of us will tell you, the first couple of days were awkward. He was quiet, I was awkward, and insecure, and a little crazy.
The day in Boston was long, and hot, and misguided, as most Boston adventures with me are. Tim was a good sport about it all, and frankly, all I could do was observe him and see what a great person he was.
He really has like, no flaws, guys. Anyway.
We dropped Sam off at her house, and headed to mine after a long day. We were tired. All I could think about was if this guy even liked me - just as a person, let alone romantically! So, I asked him. In the exuberant, exasperated way that I do, sometimes. "Do you even like me?! Are you still glad you came?!"
I knew I shouldn't have acted that way, but gosh, the guy was so hard to read! Throughout the day, I'd ask if he was having a nice time, and just got a "Yeah."
HOW CAN I WORK WITH THAT? I was still kinda nervous. Or a lot nervous. We both knew that just needed to break the ice.
He said that he wanted to spend more time with me, just us. So that he could get a better feel of how we are together. Totally legit. We got back to the house, and pretty much just went to bed.
THURSDAY. Thursday was a turning point for me. Tim, God bless him, chose to come with me to work. I was working a seven-hour day, and he was able to keep himself busy, but the poor guy - he was bored out of his mind. I felt so bad. He walked around Newburyport a little bit, found a neat antique shop. He laid in the grass by the boardwalk. He was tired, and I couldn't blame him. I felt terrible.
However, I had a really interesting encounter with the Holy Spirit that day. As I was working, and watching Tim from behind my espresso machine, talking to God about it all, I heard this still, small voice say to me:
"Hannah, take him at his word. Don't make assumptions. You have no reason to not believe what he says. Keep being yourself, and make him feel comfortable."
My attitude was based out of fear from the past, where I had learned to be manipulative, and that I was always bound to be manipulated. I had to read into things, I had to find hidden meanings...that's what I was used to. But I knew that this was sound. So I changed. I knew that if I kept doubting, and questioning, I would push him away. I didn't want to do that.
Tim got meet my Aunts that day, and we went out to a late lunch after work. As the meal was ending, I thanked him for paying.
"Of course," he said. "Why wouldn't I? I'm here for you." We looked at each other, and smiled. And I knew it was going to be okay.
We saw "Jurassic World" that night, and agreed to go with my parents the night night to help them with a New Brothers event.
FRIDAY NIGHT. Friday night is when I knew he was perfect. I'll just say it. I knew.
Prison Ministry events aren't the norm. Especially when you drag a poor guy along, who is out of his element. None of us would have been surprised or upset if Tim had just sat somewhere out of the way, and been on his phone the whole time.
But he didn't. Before we even left the house, and were getting ready, he was helpful. He jumped in. He did whatever he was asked to do, and then some. If he saw something to do, he did it. He was friendly to the guys at the house, he shook their hands, and handed out sodas gladly. He enjoyed listening to the people who spoke. He helped clean up. He was amazing. My parents and I noticed. I went to my mother and said that he was amazing. I didn't even realize how important it was that he was willing to serve until that night, and I saw him. I still can't believe it. I can, because he's absolutely wonderful, but I still shake my head.
That night, we ended up driving around, listening to music, and talking. We ended up across from Plum Island, at a dead end. We turned around, and went to Denny's to get some food.
We had a great time. We laughed a lot. We talked. It was great. And I can't confirm or deny it, but it was either Friday night, or Saturday that I held his hand for the first time. I couldn't wait any longer, okay? I really liked him. It was probably Saturday. No! It WAS definitely Saturday. For the following reason...
Friday night, when we got home, we watched "Monty Python and the Holy Grail." We watched it in my room, on his laptop. Sitting close together on my bed. The only way that this awkward position could be remotely comfortable was if one of us put our arm around the other. So I put my arm around him. After a while, he asked if I wanted to trade arms, and he put his arm around me. And its was great. And we laughed like idiots, because Monty Python is brilliant.
Saturday, we went to see an outdoor theatre at the state park in Newburyport. We both really enjoyed it, and he said the words "I like plays," and I probably swooned. I'm not gonna lie. We just chilled for the rest of the day. We sat on the sofa after getting back from the park, and talked about where we were at, how we felt.
He said that he really enjoyed my company. I told him that I really liked him. He said he really liked me too. It was adorable, and he was getting more comfortable putting his arm around me, and holding my hand, etc. We went out for hibachi that night, came home, and watched The Sixth Sense. He knew that I had tried watching it again recently, but couldn't finish because it was freaking me out. He promised to make me feel safe, and that he did. We had a great time.
Cuddling is great, guys. Now, I know.
I thought that this would be the last one, but Sunday through when Tim left really do need their own blog post. So...
To Be Continued...
Both of us will tell you, the first couple of days were awkward. He was quiet, I was awkward, and insecure, and a little crazy.
The day in Boston was long, and hot, and misguided, as most Boston adventures with me are. Tim was a good sport about it all, and frankly, all I could do was observe him and see what a great person he was.
He really has like, no flaws, guys. Anyway.
We dropped Sam off at her house, and headed to mine after a long day. We were tired. All I could think about was if this guy even liked me - just as a person, let alone romantically! So, I asked him. In the exuberant, exasperated way that I do, sometimes. "Do you even like me?! Are you still glad you came?!"
I knew I shouldn't have acted that way, but gosh, the guy was so hard to read! Throughout the day, I'd ask if he was having a nice time, and just got a "Yeah."
HOW CAN I WORK WITH THAT? I was still kinda nervous. Or a lot nervous. We both knew that just needed to break the ice.
He said that he wanted to spend more time with me, just us. So that he could get a better feel of how we are together. Totally legit. We got back to the house, and pretty much just went to bed.
THURSDAY. Thursday was a turning point for me. Tim, God bless him, chose to come with me to work. I was working a seven-hour day, and he was able to keep himself busy, but the poor guy - he was bored out of his mind. I felt so bad. He walked around Newburyport a little bit, found a neat antique shop. He laid in the grass by the boardwalk. He was tired, and I couldn't blame him. I felt terrible.
However, I had a really interesting encounter with the Holy Spirit that day. As I was working, and watching Tim from behind my espresso machine, talking to God about it all, I heard this still, small voice say to me:
"Hannah, take him at his word. Don't make assumptions. You have no reason to not believe what he says. Keep being yourself, and make him feel comfortable."
My attitude was based out of fear from the past, where I had learned to be manipulative, and that I was always bound to be manipulated. I had to read into things, I had to find hidden meanings...that's what I was used to. But I knew that this was sound. So I changed. I knew that if I kept doubting, and questioning, I would push him away. I didn't want to do that.
Tim got meet my Aunts that day, and we went out to a late lunch after work. As the meal was ending, I thanked him for paying.
"Of course," he said. "Why wouldn't I? I'm here for you." We looked at each other, and smiled. And I knew it was going to be okay.
We saw "Jurassic World" that night, and agreed to go with my parents the night night to help them with a New Brothers event.
FRIDAY NIGHT. Friday night is when I knew he was perfect. I'll just say it. I knew.
Prison Ministry events aren't the norm. Especially when you drag a poor guy along, who is out of his element. None of us would have been surprised or upset if Tim had just sat somewhere out of the way, and been on his phone the whole time.
But he didn't. Before we even left the house, and were getting ready, he was helpful. He jumped in. He did whatever he was asked to do, and then some. If he saw something to do, he did it. He was friendly to the guys at the house, he shook their hands, and handed out sodas gladly. He enjoyed listening to the people who spoke. He helped clean up. He was amazing. My parents and I noticed. I went to my mother and said that he was amazing. I didn't even realize how important it was that he was willing to serve until that night, and I saw him. I still can't believe it. I can, because he's absolutely wonderful, but I still shake my head.
That night, we ended up driving around, listening to music, and talking. We ended up across from Plum Island, at a dead end. We turned around, and went to Denny's to get some food.
We had a great time. We laughed a lot. We talked. It was great. And I can't confirm or deny it, but it was either Friday night, or Saturday that I held his hand for the first time. I couldn't wait any longer, okay? I really liked him. It was probably Saturday. No! It WAS definitely Saturday. For the following reason...
Friday night, when we got home, we watched "Monty Python and the Holy Grail." We watched it in my room, on his laptop. Sitting close together on my bed. The only way that this awkward position could be remotely comfortable was if one of us put our arm around the other. So I put my arm around him. After a while, he asked if I wanted to trade arms, and he put his arm around me. And its was great. And we laughed like idiots, because Monty Python is brilliant.
Saturday, we went to see an outdoor theatre at the state park in Newburyport. We both really enjoyed it, and he said the words "I like plays," and I probably swooned. I'm not gonna lie. We just chilled for the rest of the day. We sat on the sofa after getting back from the park, and talked about where we were at, how we felt.
He said that he really enjoyed my company. I told him that I really liked him. He said he really liked me too. It was adorable, and he was getting more comfortable putting his arm around me, and holding my hand, etc. We went out for hibachi that night, came home, and watched The Sixth Sense. He knew that I had tried watching it again recently, but couldn't finish because it was freaking me out. He promised to make me feel safe, and that he did. We had a great time.
Cuddling is great, guys. Now, I know.
I thought that this would be the last one, but Sunday through when Tim left really do need their own blog post. So...
To Be Continued...
I can't help falling in love - Part Two
Let me backtrack a little. When I was about 12 years old, I decided that I wasn't going to date. I was going to wait until God brought the perfect man into my path, and then we would court, and we would get married. I was steadfast with this conviction for years, until I got to college. At the time, I was liking a guy back home who seemed really great, I convinced myself that the Lord had told me he was the one, and I was waiting for him...without there having been any communication between us, because God was going to just tell him that I was the One, duh.
Then enter Zack, that guy I've written about, and bemoaned for eons. He was the closest thing to a soulmate that I had ever encountered. We knew each others thoughts, we were best friends, we manipulated each other by not being straight forward, I was there for him at any moment that he needed me to be his listening ear...we liked each other. He told me that he could see us working out really well together. He told me to pray about it.
You can see where this is going, right? You are also in the future with me, right? From the summer of 2009, to the summer of 2013, Zack was IT. I was willing to go through anything, I believed and never doubted for a second that he was THE ONE. Who cares that I couldn't understand what was right in front of me? Who cares that even though I knew his desire to "be best friends with the same emotionally intimate relationship we had before," AS WELL as have a steady girlfriend was unhealthy. I would win that battle. We were made for each other. He would see.
Lol, Hannah. Lol. No, that culminated in a heartbreaking phone call the Monday before my birthday, where Zack cornered me about my feelings for him, and told me that he would never have romantic feelings for me. We were "too perfect for each other."
Okay.
That's fine. I can deal with this. I'll deal with it by slowly letting myself get angry with God, and giving up on trusting Him for anything that I trusted Him for before. There was no perfect man. I had been believing God for a joke. Trusting God meant inviting pain into your life.
I didn't acknowledge the place I was really in until late last year/this year.
I decided that it was better to trust myself - that way, I knew that I would be disappointed. I'm imperfect. No expectations there.
I just didn't care about anything, anymore. I had my first kiss this past January with someone who (is a fine person as a human being,) was completely wrong for me. We got along, but I knew nothing would come of it. It couldn't. He did drugs, and he didn't have any kind of walk with God, and so what if he had gentle smiles? But I had given up. I got tired of waiting. What's the point of waiting for something that doesn't exist? Something that I was never really promised in the first place? If you had asked me if I still wanted to wait to have sex before I was married, I probably would have said "I don't know. I'll have to be in the situation to find out."
I did everything right. I got heartbroken. God let me down. He saw what I had wanted, and let me down. So why bother, anymore?
------
That was all pretty dark, I know. I'm not trying to throw these men under the bus, most of everything that happened to me was my fault, but there needs to be background for why I fell away from the Lord.
Finding the love of my life has been a huge part of my life. It's what I completely invested myself into believing for. Why? I don't know. Sometimes I wished that I could have just gotten into drugs or something.
Anyway. Moving forward.
Tim was different. In ways that were important to me back when I was a little girl. Things about him existed on my "List" that I had given up on long ago. "Never had a girlfriend before," was one of them. Even my pastor's wife wished me luck with that one when I told her about it all those years ago.
And when I found out this little factoid about him, a voice in my head gently reminded me: "Remember when that was important to you?" Yeah, I do. Weird.
We have the ability to talk for hours. So much to the point where it's becoming a problem. But in the early days, this was pretty big for me. When we first talked on the phone, we talked for an hour and a half. I stuggle to talk to my best friends on the phone for an hour and a half, let alone a man I've never met. We skyped for two hours with ease, not realizing how much time had gone by - "Time flies when you're having fun," he had said. And then, the last phone call we had before he came up here lasted a grand total of three hours. Who even am I? I NEVER talk to ANYONE for three hours. Ever. EVER. This was different.
During that particular phone call, I found out that he too, was waiting until marriage. Heck, I gave up on finding anyone who was still willing to wait. No one does that at my age. They don't exist. If they do, they're secluded, and don't know how to pursue women. It's just true.
But here was someone..who did exist. The sigh of relief we both let out after finding out that we were both waiting was so heavy that you could use it for strength training.
We've both discussed how insane it is that we couldn't find anything wrong with each other before we met. He told me that he would try to ask questions that could potentially have a deal-breaking answer. I never gave one. The same is true for me. He could do no wrong.
The truly telling moment before we met also occurred during that 3-hour call.
Me: So, we know that you flying up from Florida is insane, right? It's super great, and fantastic but it's also crazy. And it's a really big deal. So, because it's such a big deal, my dad is probably going to have a conversation with you.
Him: Like a dad talk?
Me: Yeahh..
Him: Okay. ... Whatever I gotta do.
Me: -mind explodes-
Him: I could buy him a prop gun, and give it to him when I get there.
Me: You definitely should.
Who is okay with this? I mean, it turned out that my dad was going to pick him up from the airport, and he didn't shy from it. Who does this? WHO? TELL ME.
I mean, this guy is incredible. He's faced some pretty intimidating stuff since meeting me and my family, but he hasn't shied away from them. He just goes with it, and not because he's just trying to please anyone, but because he wants to. He thinks things through, and he has a mind of his own, and it's amazing.
Okay, okay. Sidetracked.
TIM COMES TO MASSACHUSETTS. I hadn't felt nervous until the day he was going to arrive.
This is what I instagrammed (so white. ugh.)
And before I knew it, he was here. I went outside to greet him, we hugged. He hugged my mom. I was crazy nervous. His ride with dad went well, they didn't have a very intense "dad talk," mostly because we didn't know if this would turn into a thing or not (however, before he came, I predicted that we would be a couple before he left.) But it went well, nonetheless.
We went on to get some stuff from the grocery store together. He was all gentlemanly, and carried the grocery basket for me. He was quiet, and I was quiet, kind of. I told him I was nervous. He was really nice about it.
He had dinner with us that night, and then I brought him into Boston to stay with his friend for the first night. I hung around at the apartment with him - alone! Scandalous! - and I basically asked him, "WHY ARE YOU HERE?!" He didn't know. He wanted to get to know me. I forced myself to believe him. We sat on the futon together for about an hour before I decided I should head home, and stop being a bad friend - Sam was spending the night, and we were all going to spend the day in Boston the next day.
We parted ways with a hug, and that was that.
I can't help falling in love - Part One
“When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.” - Nora Ephron, 'When Harry Met Sally'
This little quote, written by one of my favorite women, pretty much sums up where I'm at right now.
You've read my blog. You know my story, my struggles, and the inner turmoil that tossed and turned concerning my love life - or lack, thereof. I don't need to rehash any of my past for you. You know it. You've prayed for me, maybe rolled your eyes at me, laughed with me (or maybe even at me.)
Now, I ask you to celebrate with me.
If you've reached this blog post from my Facebook, you know that my 'single' relationship status has been pulled from the dusty, cobwebby shelf that it's sat on since the birth of my Facebook page, and has been replaced with the ever-coveted, "in a relationship" status instead.
It's exciting. It's more than exciting. It's mind-blowing. It's humbling. It's more than I ever dreamed it could be...well, I guess it's more like its everything that I dreamed it could be, I just reached the point of having given up on everything that I was dreaming about.
I recently got my girlfriend Sam to join a dating app. Just for fun, mostly. I had a couple okay connections on it, and being single is kinda lame sometimes, so I told her to check it out. One day, she connected to guy on said dating app. They talked for a little while, and eventually, she sent me a picture of him.
This little quote, written by one of my favorite women, pretty much sums up where I'm at right now.
You've read my blog. You know my story, my struggles, and the inner turmoil that tossed and turned concerning my love life - or lack, thereof. I don't need to rehash any of my past for you. You know it. You've prayed for me, maybe rolled your eyes at me, laughed with me (or maybe even at me.)
Now, I ask you to celebrate with me.
If you've reached this blog post from my Facebook, you know that my 'single' relationship status has been pulled from the dusty, cobwebby shelf that it's sat on since the birth of my Facebook page, and has been replaced with the ever-coveted, "in a relationship" status instead.
It's exciting. It's more than exciting. It's mind-blowing. It's humbling. It's more than I ever dreamed it could be...well, I guess it's more like its everything that I dreamed it could be, I just reached the point of having given up on everything that I was dreaming about.
I recently got my girlfriend Sam to join a dating app. Just for fun, mostly. I had a couple okay connections on it, and being single is kinda lame sometimes, so I told her to check it out. One day, she connected to guy on said dating app. They talked for a little while, and eventually, she sent me a picture of him.
I don't really know what to say from this point, to be honest. This was in April. Sam didn't tell David about me right away. Once she did, he was more than willing to contact "beard friend" to see if he'd be interested in talking to me.
Our numbers were exchanged. I couldn't believe what I had done. I don't give my number to random men that live in Florida! How would this even work out? He doesn't live near me at all! I decided that I didn't want to text him first. I would wait. I had already been so uncharacteristically aggressive that I didn't think I could make myself do it. Later that night, as I was getting home from a walk...
It took me a while to write back. I was nervous, excited, confused - what even was I doing??
And, that's how it started.
We talked for a few days, here and there, and then...
Now, when I read his initial text, what went through my head was, "Wow, he's just...planning to talk on the phone. This is weird..." and he didn't ask like, "Hey, wanna talk on the phone some time?" He just put it out there. We're gonna talk on the phone, when out of these options works for you?
I liked that. I didn't have to try and make him talk on the phone. I will note, that he preferred to talk on Tuesday, as opposed to Wednesday, because it was a full week after we had begun texting...who pays attention to that?
We talked on the phone when I got out of work for an hour and a half. There was some extended moments of silence, but we both were pretty honest about the fact that we're terrible at small talk, and it wasn't personal.
I liked him. He was different. He was thoughtful, and open.
We made plans to video chat on the upcoming Sunday. I got to kind of meet his mom. And we just...talked. Laughed. Then, at one point in the conversation, he tells me that he's looking at flights to come up here.
Here's what went through my mind: "What?! Why? What if we aren't even talking after another week? He already knows he wants to fly up here? What?!"
Here's what I said (essentially): That would be super great. Let me know when you wanna come up.
I rationalized it by later telling myself that if he ended up hating me, he's the one who was losing out by spending money on plane tickets. I was clearly prepared to disassociate, and become heartless at a moment's notice lol.
So we had a date. We were going to see "Jurassic World." It was insane. It was exciting. Why not just go along for the ride?
Not long after Tim had talked about looking at flights, maybe a little over a week, his flight was officially booked. It was insane. I had a boy flying across the country...to meet ME. I mean, I've come to the acceptance that I'm a pretty fantastic person, so of course he would want to meet me - I'm a frickin' catch. (Look, it's not ego, okay? It's taken me years to think that I'm truly worth anyone's attention. Love me.)
But it was madness. I don't know this guy. He doesn't know me. He's FLYING FROM FLORIDA to meet ME. Something must have stuck out within that first week that made him feel compelled to do this, right?
My mind was reeling, to say the least.
To Be Continued...
May 15, 2015
Respect.
I'm on a journey. I don't fully understand it, I don't know exactly what I'm doing, but I know that I'm on a journey.
I had breakfast with a dear friend this morning, and as we talked about finding our passion, I said something to the extend of "I'm passionate about people being treated with respect."
I am. I think that wrongs should be righted, I think that people should have equal rights as a human race, and I think that we need to respect each other. Our lives are our own - our pain, our joy, our failures, our successes - they are ours, and we have every right to feel as sad about something or as happy about something as we want.
I'm cleaning my room. I'm even dusting thew walls as high as I can reach, and dusting the window sills. Things I never think about, but allow to become disgusting. All I can think to myself is: How in the world can I even think about general respect if I don't respect myself?
Because I don't respect myself. That's the fact. I don't respect my intelligence, my body, my heart, or my spirit. I treat myself terribly. Slowly I'm becoming more confident on the outside, but inwardly, I still talk down about myself. I'm far too hard on myself about everything. I've created an impossible standard that I will never meet, and when I realize that I haven't met it, it sends me into an emotional tailspin.
I feel like I'm starting from zero when it comes to my walk with God. I know that I love Him, and that I want to honor Him, and that's it. I've had enough personal experiences with God to know that He's real, but I've fallen out of trust in Him with certain things. I feel like a lot of my beliefs are things that I believe because it's just how I was raised, which is fine to a point because we need a place to start, but I want to believe for myself. But I don't want to do the work. And I don't want to find out that I believe something differently in a way that might offend people that I love and respect.
I have to become my own. And yes, I know, we are God's not our own, but I'm afraid to fully let God have me, to be honest. I feel like I let Him have all of me, because He dangled something in front of me that I wanted, and then just tossed it away to where I'll never get it.
And I don't want to bribe myself into having faith or trust because it will get me what I want. I don't want to be fake.
So I'm cleaning my room because I want to respect myself. I deserve a space that isn't dusty, or cluttered with bins of stuff that I'm not using and clothes I'm not wearing. I'm working out and eating better because my body deserves it. Not because I'm afraid of what people think of me and how I look - sometimes I worry, but not like I used to. But I deserve respect. I'm not going to over-invest my time and energy in things that don't edify me because I'll be drained and for what? An extra $100 dollars to spend? I deserve better than what I'm currently giving myself.
So that's my rant.
Love yourself. Treat yourself with respect.
I had breakfast with a dear friend this morning, and as we talked about finding our passion, I said something to the extend of "I'm passionate about people being treated with respect."
I am. I think that wrongs should be righted, I think that people should have equal rights as a human race, and I think that we need to respect each other. Our lives are our own - our pain, our joy, our failures, our successes - they are ours, and we have every right to feel as sad about something or as happy about something as we want.
I'm cleaning my room. I'm even dusting thew walls as high as I can reach, and dusting the window sills. Things I never think about, but allow to become disgusting. All I can think to myself is: How in the world can I even think about general respect if I don't respect myself?
Because I don't respect myself. That's the fact. I don't respect my intelligence, my body, my heart, or my spirit. I treat myself terribly. Slowly I'm becoming more confident on the outside, but inwardly, I still talk down about myself. I'm far too hard on myself about everything. I've created an impossible standard that I will never meet, and when I realize that I haven't met it, it sends me into an emotional tailspin.
I feel like I'm starting from zero when it comes to my walk with God. I know that I love Him, and that I want to honor Him, and that's it. I've had enough personal experiences with God to know that He's real, but I've fallen out of trust in Him with certain things. I feel like a lot of my beliefs are things that I believe because it's just how I was raised, which is fine to a point because we need a place to start, but I want to believe for myself. But I don't want to do the work. And I don't want to find out that I believe something differently in a way that might offend people that I love and respect.
I have to become my own. And yes, I know, we are God's not our own, but I'm afraid to fully let God have me, to be honest. I feel like I let Him have all of me, because He dangled something in front of me that I wanted, and then just tossed it away to where I'll never get it.
And I don't want to bribe myself into having faith or trust because it will get me what I want. I don't want to be fake.
So I'm cleaning my room because I want to respect myself. I deserve a space that isn't dusty, or cluttered with bins of stuff that I'm not using and clothes I'm not wearing. I'm working out and eating better because my body deserves it. Not because I'm afraid of what people think of me and how I look - sometimes I worry, but not like I used to. But I deserve respect. I'm not going to over-invest my time and energy in things that don't edify me because I'll be drained and for what? An extra $100 dollars to spend? I deserve better than what I'm currently giving myself.
So that's my rant.
Love yourself. Treat yourself with respect.
April 13, 2015
Sunshine
It has been a long, cold, grey winter. I'm currently in Arizona with my parents, visiting family. We taking a short trip to California for a couple days, tomorrow morning and finishing our trip with my Grams' memorial.
Right now, I'm sitting in the sunshine on the patio, in a rocking chair, drinking locally roasted and brewed iced coffee. Ultimate relaxation. I will not be upset if I get some color on my face and arms. The more I come out this way, the more I want to stay here...I just have no problem with the majority of my days being sunny and warm.
We'll see where I end up.
Well, I haven't blogged in a long time. I work at an independent coffee shop a couple towns away from me. My boss seems to like me, and appreciate that I can do my job, which is oddly satisfying. Thanks, Howard, for not appreciating me while I learned how to do my job well so that someone else could benefit from it.
I'm nervous about summer at the shop, because I don't have a flow with working with people anymore. And it's going to be BUSY. But it will come and go, and I'll learn. Hopefully I'll learn quickly.
I dated a guy for a little while. We met on a dating app, and he's a great guy. We haven't spoken in almost two weeks. Whatever. I can't care anymore. And I don't. I'm smart, beautiful, and ridiculous enough. Someday someone will be grown enough to notice. Until then, I'll keep wearing lipstick, and smiling pretty at anyone I find attractive. #femininecharms
My girlfriend Joanna and I are going to Europe this year. The big purchases are taken care of - tickets, accommodations. Now to keep saving up and start running again. I miss running. I see people running through the marina, and I just miss it. It's empowering.
My black keys are getting hot in the sun :P
DOING NOTHING IS SO NICE. It is really weird to not have to be responsible for anything, or have to take care of anything. BEING IN THE SUN IS SO NICE. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Anyway, EUROPE. I'm going there. I'm going to London, and Paris, and Iceland. We are going to see "Much Ado About Nothing" AT THE GLOBE. We are going to tour Buckingham Palace. We are going to the Louvre. We are going to see the Eiffel Tower at night, and touch Notre Dame. WHAT IS MY LIFE.
Let's be real for a minute - if I was doing my own shop still, I would not be able to go to Europe. Yes, I'm not doing my shop. I wasn't ready. It's okay. I don't remember if I mentioned that publicly yet. You probably figured it out.
Well. I don't know what else to say. That's what's going on. No deep thoughts. Just living. Trying to do my best.
Right now, I'm sitting in the sunshine on the patio, in a rocking chair, drinking locally roasted and brewed iced coffee. Ultimate relaxation. I will not be upset if I get some color on my face and arms. The more I come out this way, the more I want to stay here...I just have no problem with the majority of my days being sunny and warm.
We'll see where I end up.
Well, I haven't blogged in a long time. I work at an independent coffee shop a couple towns away from me. My boss seems to like me, and appreciate that I can do my job, which is oddly satisfying. Thanks, Howard, for not appreciating me while I learned how to do my job well so that someone else could benefit from it.
I'm nervous about summer at the shop, because I don't have a flow with working with people anymore. And it's going to be BUSY. But it will come and go, and I'll learn. Hopefully I'll learn quickly.
I dated a guy for a little while. We met on a dating app, and he's a great guy. We haven't spoken in almost two weeks. Whatever. I can't care anymore. And I don't. I'm smart, beautiful, and ridiculous enough. Someday someone will be grown enough to notice. Until then, I'll keep wearing lipstick, and smiling pretty at anyone I find attractive. #femininecharms
My girlfriend Joanna and I are going to Europe this year. The big purchases are taken care of - tickets, accommodations. Now to keep saving up and start running again. I miss running. I see people running through the marina, and I just miss it. It's empowering.
My black keys are getting hot in the sun :P
DOING NOTHING IS SO NICE. It is really weird to not have to be responsible for anything, or have to take care of anything. BEING IN THE SUN IS SO NICE. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Anyway, EUROPE. I'm going there. I'm going to London, and Paris, and Iceland. We are going to see "Much Ado About Nothing" AT THE GLOBE. We are going to tour Buckingham Palace. We are going to the Louvre. We are going to see the Eiffel Tower at night, and touch Notre Dame. WHAT IS MY LIFE.
Let's be real for a minute - if I was doing my own shop still, I would not be able to go to Europe. Yes, I'm not doing my shop. I wasn't ready. It's okay. I don't remember if I mentioned that publicly yet. You probably figured it out.
Well. I don't know what else to say. That's what's going on. No deep thoughts. Just living. Trying to do my best.
January 23, 2015
2015 is the year of burritos.
Wow - I am blessed, thankful, and EXHILARATED. This month has been incredible. The first week of January, literally days 1-7, were each a delight. It was a great week. The memory of that week will put a smile on my face for a long time. Nothing bad happened. I went out for coffee, and had great conversation with a lady I worked with for about a day before she transferred. Most of our relationship was established on Facebook. We talked for hours, and drank really incredible coffee! A friend of mine ended up having to move pretty last minute, and I got to help him out/spend some time with him which was great, because he moved far away, and is going on tour with his band soon. So he won't be around. I got to spend a lot of time with friends (I'm pretty sure the first day of the year included Chipotle which is DEFINITELY a good omen), and it was just a really relaxing, wonderful, memorable week. I'm thankful that 2015 had such a positive kickoff.
From that point, I've started working at my new job, and I think I'm getting the hang of it. The people are really nice, and it's nice to have a job that I'm invested in because it's my job, but am just more reasonable about. I don't hang out, I don't really want to. It's nice, honestly.
There have been a lot of burritos in my 2015, come to think of it, as a random side note. It's not even a problem. Hashtag blessed.
MY SHOP. I'm starting a coffee shop, in case you hadn't heard the news. The space is cleared, cleaned, and PAINTED. I need furniture, and coffee. That's it. I can be open by March.
So, I went to New York yesterday. I drove there with a lady who will help me sometimes in my shop. I drove home alone. We went to Stumptown Coffee, and met with Jaime, my wholesale coffee contact. He did some pourover training with us, and we drank a TON of coffee. It was amazing. I know what kind of products I want to use, and I'm thrilled that it worked out for me to go up there. The Lord has been so faithful to put everything in place the way it should be.
I was literally at a point where I was convinced that my only option was to put it off until I had more money. God bless my mother, for being there even when I'm a terrible person, to encourage me and help me realize that even if all I had was a table and a lame coffee pot, I'd be happy to do that. She prayed for me, and things turned around. Everything fell into place. The ball started rolling.
I'm in awe. Shocked. I got to go to New York to drink coffee, and brew coffee, and see coffee get roasted from start to finish. I have visited my roaster. I've shaken his hand. MY roaster. I AM IN THE COFFEE BUSINESS. IT IS NOT REAL LIFE. It is. This is real life, and i can't believe it.
I got to see a friend from college yesterday to, and sleep at her house. She has a baby, and he's amazing, and it's so weird to know that she's a mom. Her husband is still a great guy, and I hope my friendship with them is one that continues to mature through this year, and my life. I don't want to miss out on people this year. I'm so bad a staying in touch with people, but I know I have to. The people in my life matter to me. But they'd never know it.
Sigh. It's okay. I won't be down on myself for failing at friendship sometimes.
On a lighter note - I'm thankful. I'm trying. I'm happy. I'm content. I'm surrounded by wonderful people. I'm listening to a lot of music.
Happy New Year.
From that point, I've started working at my new job, and I think I'm getting the hang of it. The people are really nice, and it's nice to have a job that I'm invested in because it's my job, but am just more reasonable about. I don't hang out, I don't really want to. It's nice, honestly.
There have been a lot of burritos in my 2015, come to think of it, as a random side note. It's not even a problem. Hashtag blessed.
MY SHOP. I'm starting a coffee shop, in case you hadn't heard the news. The space is cleared, cleaned, and PAINTED. I need furniture, and coffee. That's it. I can be open by March.
So, I went to New York yesterday. I drove there with a lady who will help me sometimes in my shop. I drove home alone. We went to Stumptown Coffee, and met with Jaime, my wholesale coffee contact. He did some pourover training with us, and we drank a TON of coffee. It was amazing. I know what kind of products I want to use, and I'm thrilled that it worked out for me to go up there. The Lord has been so faithful to put everything in place the way it should be.
I was literally at a point where I was convinced that my only option was to put it off until I had more money. God bless my mother, for being there even when I'm a terrible person, to encourage me and help me realize that even if all I had was a table and a lame coffee pot, I'd be happy to do that. She prayed for me, and things turned around. Everything fell into place. The ball started rolling.
I'm in awe. Shocked. I got to go to New York to drink coffee, and brew coffee, and see coffee get roasted from start to finish. I have visited my roaster. I've shaken his hand. MY roaster. I AM IN THE COFFEE BUSINESS. IT IS NOT REAL LIFE. It is. This is real life, and i can't believe it.
I got to see a friend from college yesterday to, and sleep at her house. She has a baby, and he's amazing, and it's so weird to know that she's a mom. Her husband is still a great guy, and I hope my friendship with them is one that continues to mature through this year, and my life. I don't want to miss out on people this year. I'm so bad a staying in touch with people, but I know I have to. The people in my life matter to me. But they'd never know it.
Sigh. It's okay. I won't be down on myself for failing at friendship sometimes.
On a lighter note - I'm thankful. I'm trying. I'm happy. I'm content. I'm surrounded by wonderful people. I'm listening to a lot of music.
Happy New Year.
December 31, 2014
2015 sounds weird.
Somehow, 2015 is the year that my brain didn't really think ahead to. 2014...okay, sure. That'll be a thing. 2015 is just kinda weird. Like a "Oh yeah, by the way," sort of reminder that life goes on, and January comes around again every 365 days.
It's been a really good year. Mostly good, with new experiences, and also some introductions to my dark corners. We'll see how that goes.
I didn't think that by the end of this year, I would not be working for Starbucks. Nor did I think that I would have another job lined up. I was pretty sure that I'd still be unemployed by the time January was done. I didn't think that I would be in the middle of the journey to opening my first coffee shop (a journey that has been put on hold simply because even though I'm not really doing anything for the holidays, I'm broke and busy.)
This month alone has been sort of a whirlwind. It doesn't feel like tomorrow is January. It still feels like there's two weeks left of the month. Not so.
I wrote a list of goals for myself on Facebook. They are mostly inspired by the person that I was this year. I was consumed with work - literally consumed, and it drove me almost out of my mind. I hardly did anything to enrich my life, or the lives of others.
I want to be different in the new year. I want to love others. I love the people in my life a LOT. They mean the world to me, and I have expressed this generally, but not really personally. It feels good to hear someone tell you how much you mean to them sometimes...and specifically you. Not just that in this crowd of people someone knows, all of them mean something to them. That's nice, but ya know.
I need to give of myself more, for no gain. I used to volunteer a lot. I was raised to be a volunteer. My parents are in ministry - that's basically full-time volunteer work. Things need to get done, and people are needed to get stuff done. I want to be a part of that, and help more.
I need to be more creative. I had a conversation not too long ago with a friend from work, and I basically told him that I was afraid of being wrong when it came to being creative. Which, I said, is completely ridiculous because there aren't any wrong answers! I know this - but I don't act on it. I like to draw. I like to act. I like to write. Do I like writing stories? No..because I'm not good at it. So what? Who cares? I'm not trying to get published. I'm not trying to get on Broadway. I just want to enjoy my life.
I also want to read more - I have so many books. I am blessed with books, and yet I have barely read even a quarter of a fraction of them! There are classics sitting on my shelves, unread. It's a crime! And I keep buying books - what even am I doing?? I'm going to be drowned in books that I've never read. It's legitimately a crime. So, here's to hoping I can reed one book a week. It's not impossible, right?
-heavy sigh- A new year. I feel tired after this year. I'm usually pretty amped about fresh starts, and such, but this year...I just feel tired. I hope next year is nice. I hope that long-held dreams come true. For me, and for others.
I hope that I grow closer to God this year. That I actively seek Him, and that it becomes second nature to me.
Happy New Year. Enjoy your celebrations. Be safe. Love one another. Look forward to the new year with hope and anticipation.
It's been a really good year. Mostly good, with new experiences, and also some introductions to my dark corners. We'll see how that goes.
I didn't think that by the end of this year, I would not be working for Starbucks. Nor did I think that I would have another job lined up. I was pretty sure that I'd still be unemployed by the time January was done. I didn't think that I would be in the middle of the journey to opening my first coffee shop (a journey that has been put on hold simply because even though I'm not really doing anything for the holidays, I'm broke and busy.)
This month alone has been sort of a whirlwind. It doesn't feel like tomorrow is January. It still feels like there's two weeks left of the month. Not so.
I wrote a list of goals for myself on Facebook. They are mostly inspired by the person that I was this year. I was consumed with work - literally consumed, and it drove me almost out of my mind. I hardly did anything to enrich my life, or the lives of others.
I want to be different in the new year. I want to love others. I love the people in my life a LOT. They mean the world to me, and I have expressed this generally, but not really personally. It feels good to hear someone tell you how much you mean to them sometimes...and specifically you. Not just that in this crowd of people someone knows, all of them mean something to them. That's nice, but ya know.
I need to give of myself more, for no gain. I used to volunteer a lot. I was raised to be a volunteer. My parents are in ministry - that's basically full-time volunteer work. Things need to get done, and people are needed to get stuff done. I want to be a part of that, and help more.
I need to be more creative. I had a conversation not too long ago with a friend from work, and I basically told him that I was afraid of being wrong when it came to being creative. Which, I said, is completely ridiculous because there aren't any wrong answers! I know this - but I don't act on it. I like to draw. I like to act. I like to write. Do I like writing stories? No..because I'm not good at it. So what? Who cares? I'm not trying to get published. I'm not trying to get on Broadway. I just want to enjoy my life.
I also want to read more - I have so many books. I am blessed with books, and yet I have barely read even a quarter of a fraction of them! There are classics sitting on my shelves, unread. It's a crime! And I keep buying books - what even am I doing?? I'm going to be drowned in books that I've never read. It's legitimately a crime. So, here's to hoping I can reed one book a week. It's not impossible, right?
-heavy sigh- A new year. I feel tired after this year. I'm usually pretty amped about fresh starts, and such, but this year...I just feel tired. I hope next year is nice. I hope that long-held dreams come true. For me, and for others.
I hope that I grow closer to God this year. That I actively seek Him, and that it becomes second nature to me.
Happy New Year. Enjoy your celebrations. Be safe. Love one another. Look forward to the new year with hope and anticipation.
December 22, 2014
Stop being ridiculous.
Sometimes, I just want to walk up to men that I know and grab them by the shoulders, look them in the eye, and say "Stop it! I'm not trying to marry you! I'm not trying to be your girlfriend! I just want to laugh with you, and have a good time, and get to know you!"
I'm a flirtatious person. Sometimes I stop myself, but mostly, it just happens. My grandmother was flirtatious, and my mother understands my ways. And geez, flirting is fun. If you're a man, and we get along, I have probably flirted with you. Chances are good that you have flirted back, and guess what? That's called chemistry. You know what it's NOT called? Love. You know what it's not called? Life-long commitment. It's called chemistry. Flirting is a chemical reaction. It's science, to be honest.
And as far as I'm concerned, as long as no one is seducing the other into inappropriate behavior, then all is well. Don't misunderstand me, and give me the cold shoulder if you think I'm interested. I'm not going to ask you to be my significant other. I don't roll that way. I would prefer for a man to initiate a romantic relationship with me, not me to him.
Even if I was interested, would that be a problem? You were able to be my friend 24 hours ago - have I suddenly become repulsive? Give me the benefit of the doubt, and just live your life. I'm a cool person, and I know a lot of cool people. It's okay for men and women to get along, and talk, and joke, and flirt. It's human nature.
And you don't know what the future holds. Maybe that person your have fun flirting with IS you're soul mate, and you're missing out because you're being weird and not just reacting to the chemistry between you and the other person.
People take finding a mate so gosh-darn seriously that that's all they are looking for. "Oh, oops, flirted with that girl but I don't want to marry her, I can never look at her or talk to her again." STOP IT. You're missing out on what could be a good, stable relationship - FRIENDSHIP - with another human being.
Don't be stupid. We're all so busy being stupid that we miss out on being people together. We all have something to offer another person, and sometimes we won't realize that until we break the ice with them, and sometimes joking around or being flirtatious breaks the ice. Flirting doesn't equal sex.
STOP BEING WEIRD.
I'm a flirtatious person. Sometimes I stop myself, but mostly, it just happens. My grandmother was flirtatious, and my mother understands my ways. And geez, flirting is fun. If you're a man, and we get along, I have probably flirted with you. Chances are good that you have flirted back, and guess what? That's called chemistry. You know what it's NOT called? Love. You know what it's not called? Life-long commitment. It's called chemistry. Flirting is a chemical reaction. It's science, to be honest.
And as far as I'm concerned, as long as no one is seducing the other into inappropriate behavior, then all is well. Don't misunderstand me, and give me the cold shoulder if you think I'm interested. I'm not going to ask you to be my significant other. I don't roll that way. I would prefer for a man to initiate a romantic relationship with me, not me to him.
Even if I was interested, would that be a problem? You were able to be my friend 24 hours ago - have I suddenly become repulsive? Give me the benefit of the doubt, and just live your life. I'm a cool person, and I know a lot of cool people. It's okay for men and women to get along, and talk, and joke, and flirt. It's human nature.
And you don't know what the future holds. Maybe that person your have fun flirting with IS you're soul mate, and you're missing out because you're being weird and not just reacting to the chemistry between you and the other person.
People take finding a mate so gosh-darn seriously that that's all they are looking for. "Oh, oops, flirted with that girl but I don't want to marry her, I can never look at her or talk to her again." STOP IT. You're missing out on what could be a good, stable relationship - FRIENDSHIP - with another human being.
Don't be stupid. We're all so busy being stupid that we miss out on being people together. We all have something to offer another person, and sometimes we won't realize that until we break the ice with them, and sometimes joking around or being flirtatious breaks the ice. Flirting doesn't equal sex.
STOP BEING WEIRD.
December 14, 2014
I'm happy for me, too.
I was inspired to watch "Eat, Pray, Love," again today, after an online encounter that was a stabbing reminder of loss. It was with good intention, sure, but unfortunately, we don't always react to people's good intentions the way they want us to. Or the way we think that they want us to.
So I'm cleaning my room, drinking some coffee, and getting inspired again. This is my last week of work, I have very little money, some upcoming doctors bills, and a very big dream that is on it's way to coming true. Thankfully, I have a God who is bigger than my dreams, my bills, or my bank account. It's sort of like I'm being thrust into trusting Him again, except it's a happy situation, so it's not as stressful? It's just intimidating.
I haven't heard from PI Coffee Roasters yet, but I don't think that it's wrong to follow up. I have a feeling the owner is the kind of person who would appreciate that. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow.
I'm partnering with Stumptown Coffee Roasters for my coffee shop. This is absolutely thrilling - I've admired them for a long time, and have only had their coffee once. However, their reputation precedes them, and is enough for me. I can buy any equipment that I need from them, they will provide training and maintenance. I'm going to go to New York to be professionally trained on how to PROPERLY brew coffee, manually. The representative that I spoke to said I could train on making pour overs for six hours if I wanted to. My reply: "THAT'S AMAZING!!"
Pottery is going well. I haven't been able to take advantage of the open studio hours, but the owner said that I can come in other days of the week to use up my clay. I want to make mugs.
My manager got fired this week. That's probably the biggest news, after me putting in my two weeks notice two days before it happened. This is big. I'm still pinching myself about it. And since she got fired, the atmosphere of our store is already beginning to change. People seem more relaxed, there has been more honesty, and I hope - chances for healing. My crew has been through a lot. They have been abused, and mistreated by their boss, and their company. I hope that this new year is sweet for them. That the new people learn quickly, and that everyone can be up to speed with each other, and support each other, and enjoy the job, despite the usual stresses. I hope that if anything happens again like what we have gone through this year, things will be handled differently.
I miss my girlfriends. I love my cat. I like simple black, and grey clothes, and the color yellow. I have had an amazing year, and I am an amazing person who has a lot to offer, but sometimes doesn't believe it. That makes me human, and thank goodness, because anything more or less would be too much of a burden. Humanity is hard enough.
A new year is approaching. If you have read my blog at all, you know that there is little I love more than blank slates, and new chapters. 2014 - I knew it was going to be big. And it was. It isn't even over yet - who knows what the rest of this year has in store? I can't even fathom what 2015 will hold.
So I'm cleaning my room, drinking some coffee, and getting inspired again. This is my last week of work, I have very little money, some upcoming doctors bills, and a very big dream that is on it's way to coming true. Thankfully, I have a God who is bigger than my dreams, my bills, or my bank account. It's sort of like I'm being thrust into trusting Him again, except it's a happy situation, so it's not as stressful? It's just intimidating.
I haven't heard from PI Coffee Roasters yet, but I don't think that it's wrong to follow up. I have a feeling the owner is the kind of person who would appreciate that. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow.
I'm partnering with Stumptown Coffee Roasters for my coffee shop. This is absolutely thrilling - I've admired them for a long time, and have only had their coffee once. However, their reputation precedes them, and is enough for me. I can buy any equipment that I need from them, they will provide training and maintenance. I'm going to go to New York to be professionally trained on how to PROPERLY brew coffee, manually. The representative that I spoke to said I could train on making pour overs for six hours if I wanted to. My reply: "THAT'S AMAZING!!"
Pottery is going well. I haven't been able to take advantage of the open studio hours, but the owner said that I can come in other days of the week to use up my clay. I want to make mugs.
My manager got fired this week. That's probably the biggest news, after me putting in my two weeks notice two days before it happened. This is big. I'm still pinching myself about it. And since she got fired, the atmosphere of our store is already beginning to change. People seem more relaxed, there has been more honesty, and I hope - chances for healing. My crew has been through a lot. They have been abused, and mistreated by their boss, and their company. I hope that this new year is sweet for them. That the new people learn quickly, and that everyone can be up to speed with each other, and support each other, and enjoy the job, despite the usual stresses. I hope that if anything happens again like what we have gone through this year, things will be handled differently.
I miss my girlfriends. I love my cat. I like simple black, and grey clothes, and the color yellow. I have had an amazing year, and I am an amazing person who has a lot to offer, but sometimes doesn't believe it. That makes me human, and thank goodness, because anything more or less would be too much of a burden. Humanity is hard enough.
A new year is approaching. If you have read my blog at all, you know that there is little I love more than blank slates, and new chapters. 2014 - I knew it was going to be big. And it was. It isn't even over yet - who knows what the rest of this year has in store? I can't even fathom what 2015 will hold.
November 27, 2014
Granted Gratitude.
2014 has been, honestly, a jam-packed year. So many things have happened that have been little dreams of mine that came true. I've been so abundantly blessed, that I have slipped into a rut of taking it all for granted. Being ungrateful makes us terrible people, inherently, and I repent.
I have established so many friendships, mostly from work. I'm surrounded daily by people that I love, and care about. I love to love and care about people, and I'm thankful that I can do that.
I got Vincent this year! The sweetest, most wonderful orange kitty that you can hear purring from across the room, who sleeps on my face.
I became a level one certified Barista with the Specialty Coffee Association of America - and I almost didn't pass, but it was a grading fluke!
I flew to Colorado and spent ten amazing days in the most beautiful place in America.
I went on my first date.
I had a positive, and romantically inclined relationship - it ended poorly, but that's because 24-year-old men are freaked out by women who have standards. Whatever, Ben. **Note to all single men reading this: Don't talk about deal breakers with a girl, and then just stop texting her, never to be heard from again. At least wish her a happy life, and say "this has been fun," or something. It's tacky to fall off the face of the earth because a girl doesn't drink alcohol.
I got to see two of my favorite books as plays, and they were beautiful, and I was weeping by the end of both of them, which is all I wanted.
I got to see my favorite band perform for the last time.
I got to spend a month and a half experiencing a life of independence, and it was fantastic.
I started taking pottery again, and it's amazing.
Thanks to my mother, I'm well into the process of going back to school.
I've learned a lot about who I am this year. I've accepted myself, and it's liberating.
I'm very thankful for everything that I have, and for the people that I have the privilege to know. I know some amazing people. They span all spectrums of life, religious beliefs, and interests. They're amazing. They've all added to my life in ways that I can't begin to express.
I need to live a more thankful life. There's so much.
I have established so many friendships, mostly from work. I'm surrounded daily by people that I love, and care about. I love to love and care about people, and I'm thankful that I can do that.
I got Vincent this year! The sweetest, most wonderful orange kitty that you can hear purring from across the room, who sleeps on my face.
I became a level one certified Barista with the Specialty Coffee Association of America - and I almost didn't pass, but it was a grading fluke!
I flew to Colorado and spent ten amazing days in the most beautiful place in America.
I went on my first date.
I had a positive, and romantically inclined relationship - it ended poorly, but that's because 24-year-old men are freaked out by women who have standards. Whatever, Ben. **Note to all single men reading this: Don't talk about deal breakers with a girl, and then just stop texting her, never to be heard from again. At least wish her a happy life, and say "this has been fun," or something. It's tacky to fall off the face of the earth because a girl doesn't drink alcohol.
I got to see two of my favorite books as plays, and they were beautiful, and I was weeping by the end of both of them, which is all I wanted.
I got to see my favorite band perform for the last time.
I got to spend a month and a half experiencing a life of independence, and it was fantastic.
I started taking pottery again, and it's amazing.
Thanks to my mother, I'm well into the process of going back to school.
I've learned a lot about who I am this year. I've accepted myself, and it's liberating.
I'm very thankful for everything that I have, and for the people that I have the privilege to know. I know some amazing people. They span all spectrums of life, religious beliefs, and interests. They're amazing. They've all added to my life in ways that I can't begin to express.
I need to live a more thankful life. There's so much.
November 14, 2014
Where Hannah stands in the world of feminism, and general equality.
I don't claim to know everything about the history of feminism. I claim to know very little. I don't know what kind of things have been done, good or bad, in the name of feminism, however, I have considered myself a feminist for a few years. Or rather, "a mild feminist."
Over the past few months, I've done a lot of really empowering things. Most of them concerned work, and standing up for what I believed what right. The day that I had a phone call with two male superiors is when I realized that there IS such a thing as the "patriarchy," and I am no fool. In this phone call, I was ganged up on, and cornered by two men in management with my company. I was spoken down to, questions that I asked were ignored, and I was treated like a child.
I don't like being patronized. I especially hate being patronized by men. I've never been okay with it, and yes - specifically men.
I've been doing a LOT of thinking, sometimes a little at a time, sometimes a lot at a time..about where I fit into this big concept of "equality."
I think that people - men, women, black, white, gay, and straight - should be treated equally. Working for Starbucks, I have seen inequality be a detriment to my team.
There came a point last last year, where I realized that I didn't just find men attractive. I objectified them. We rant and rail about women being objectified, but there is little being said about how men are treated. I was horrified, when I made this realization. Crushes, celebrity crushes, finding people attractive...not wrong. Objectification - wrong. It doesn't matter the severity of it, or how obvious it is. It's wrong.
Men and women are people. We each are living our lives, and trying to figure everything out. We make good decisions, bad decisions. We say the wrong thing sometimes, sometimes we say the right thing.
When I think of feminism, I think of respect. Men and women need to respect each other as human beings, who are capable of awesome things. Will we succeed? Not always. Is it because a person is a woman? No. It's because that's. We make it, or we don't. It has nothing to do with gender.
The Bible says for women to serve their husbands, and for men to love their wives the way Christ loves the Church. Respect. Service. Love. This is planet earth, and we're all in this together.
ALSO, you people freaking out about women serving their husbands - it says WIVES and HUSBANDS. Not men. Marriage is a working relationship, where the husband and wife have to support each other, and be real with one another.
The Bible doesn't say the women need to serve men. There are titles, and roles involved. Does it say what constitutes service? The Bible says to love one another, and to treat others the way we want to be treated. It doesn't mean that the wife is responsible for making her husband sandwiches. It means that, maybe, if the husband or wife is hungry - their spouse will think, oh, I could make them something to eat because I LOVE THEM, and THEY WOULD DO THE SAME FOR ME.
It's not a fight. We all have to work together.
In the workplace, men and women should have equal pay because they're working. If someone is doing a job that requires more work, they should get paid more. Women have the right to an opinion, and the right to speak their mind BECAUSE THEY HAVE A MIND. Men have the same right. Because each person within each gender has a brain, and if they use it to think about their opinion on things, then they also have a mouth that they are allowed to use to speak it. If you think it's dumb, then bully for you. It has nothing to do with gender. Maybe that person is just stupid. Because...shocker - men and women can both be idiots.
Feminism: Men and women need to respect each other as people.
Equality: We all have the right to think, speak, dance, sing, and yes, even do wrong. However - we all should be held responsible for our actions, or the results of our actions.
It doesn't matter what your gender, race, or sexual orientation is. We all need to be treated equally, AND:
This is a big and. AND we need to STOP calling is bigotry, or sexism, or whatever - when people call us out on our nonsense. On the facts of what we have done. If the facts are wrong, and people are making false accusations, etc - okay, yeah. Otherwise, knock it off. Not everything is a hate crime.
Maybe I'm not a real feminist. But isn't that my decision? Feminism has decided that women should be allowed to want to be housewives, for crying out loud. Talk about moving backwards and forwards at the same time.
As far as being a godly woman, these things still apply to me. However, I also must represent Christ. I have the responsibility of being a godly woman, who must love others the way that Christ has loved me. No matter their gender, race, or orientation. I must treat people the way that Christ would treat them.
Are we all learning? Yes. Are we all gonna do it wrong until it makes sense to us? Yes. And that's okay. Just try to think about it. Respect each other.
Over the past few months, I've done a lot of really empowering things. Most of them concerned work, and standing up for what I believed what right. The day that I had a phone call with two male superiors is when I realized that there IS such a thing as the "patriarchy," and I am no fool. In this phone call, I was ganged up on, and cornered by two men in management with my company. I was spoken down to, questions that I asked were ignored, and I was treated like a child.
I don't like being patronized. I especially hate being patronized by men. I've never been okay with it, and yes - specifically men.
I've been doing a LOT of thinking, sometimes a little at a time, sometimes a lot at a time..about where I fit into this big concept of "equality."
I think that people - men, women, black, white, gay, and straight - should be treated equally. Working for Starbucks, I have seen inequality be a detriment to my team.
There came a point last last year, where I realized that I didn't just find men attractive. I objectified them. We rant and rail about women being objectified, but there is little being said about how men are treated. I was horrified, when I made this realization. Crushes, celebrity crushes, finding people attractive...not wrong. Objectification - wrong. It doesn't matter the severity of it, or how obvious it is. It's wrong.
Men and women are people. We each are living our lives, and trying to figure everything out. We make good decisions, bad decisions. We say the wrong thing sometimes, sometimes we say the right thing.
When I think of feminism, I think of respect. Men and women need to respect each other as human beings, who are capable of awesome things. Will we succeed? Not always. Is it because a person is a woman? No. It's because that's. We make it, or we don't. It has nothing to do with gender.
The Bible says for women to serve their husbands, and for men to love their wives the way Christ loves the Church. Respect. Service. Love. This is planet earth, and we're all in this together.
ALSO, you people freaking out about women serving their husbands - it says WIVES and HUSBANDS. Not men. Marriage is a working relationship, where the husband and wife have to support each other, and be real with one another.
The Bible doesn't say the women need to serve men. There are titles, and roles involved. Does it say what constitutes service? The Bible says to love one another, and to treat others the way we want to be treated. It doesn't mean that the wife is responsible for making her husband sandwiches. It means that, maybe, if the husband or wife is hungry - their spouse will think, oh, I could make them something to eat because I LOVE THEM, and THEY WOULD DO THE SAME FOR ME.
It's not a fight. We all have to work together.
In the workplace, men and women should have equal pay because they're working. If someone is doing a job that requires more work, they should get paid more. Women have the right to an opinion, and the right to speak their mind BECAUSE THEY HAVE A MIND. Men have the same right. Because each person within each gender has a brain, and if they use it to think about their opinion on things, then they also have a mouth that they are allowed to use to speak it. If you think it's dumb, then bully for you. It has nothing to do with gender. Maybe that person is just stupid. Because...shocker - men and women can both be idiots.
Feminism: Men and women need to respect each other as people.
Equality: We all have the right to think, speak, dance, sing, and yes, even do wrong. However - we all should be held responsible for our actions, or the results of our actions.
It doesn't matter what your gender, race, or sexual orientation is. We all need to be treated equally, AND:
This is a big and. AND we need to STOP calling is bigotry, or sexism, or whatever - when people call us out on our nonsense. On the facts of what we have done. If the facts are wrong, and people are making false accusations, etc - okay, yeah. Otherwise, knock it off. Not everything is a hate crime.
Maybe I'm not a real feminist. But isn't that my decision? Feminism has decided that women should be allowed to want to be housewives, for crying out loud. Talk about moving backwards and forwards at the same time.
As far as being a godly woman, these things still apply to me. However, I also must represent Christ. I have the responsibility of being a godly woman, who must love others the way that Christ has loved me. No matter their gender, race, or orientation. I must treat people the way that Christ would treat them.
Are we all learning? Yes. Are we all gonna do it wrong until it makes sense to us? Yes. And that's okay. Just try to think about it. Respect each other.
November 2, 2014
It's that time again.
When Hannah feels like writing, but isn't sure what she's going to write about.
I suppose what I SHOULD be doing is writing for NaNoWriMo, as it's already the second day of November, and I don't even have a working title.
I started pottery last week, and it was amazing. I honestly don't care if I make nothing but lopsided bowls - working the clay with my hands, and feeling it spin on the wheel is an incredible experience. Seeing it take shape, and get thinner, or thicker, by the slightest pressure. It's amazing, honestly. I love getting my hands dirty.
There's a lot going on this month. Dad is going back to Arizona in a couple days, which means I'll get to be on my own again for a couple weeks - yaaaassss :) I'm glad that both of my parents will be home for Thanksgiving, though. And that mom will get to maybe see the tail end of fall...that weird inbetween where maybe there will snow, and maybe there will still be some pretty colors. I'm seeing a screening of "Of Mice and Men" the Sunday after they get home, which, as far as family time goes, will be a bummer. However, super stoked about it. I'm going to the screening in Portsmouth, and basically, spending the day in Portsmouth, with theatre, is going to be awesome. I'm also seeing Anberlin this month! They're on their final tour.
Well...I had a long paragraph written out, but decided that it would incite too many questions, and am just going to journal instead.
Learning how to keep things to myself. That's something I'm doing these days. All I know is, some things have come up in my life, and I am facing them. I'm trying to face them respectfully, and maturely, and eventually I will face them spiritually. All I know, is that despite the lag in my walk with God these days, I want to live my life based on Him, and living in reverential fear of Him. Not fear of people's opinions of me.
I suppose what I SHOULD be doing is writing for NaNoWriMo, as it's already the second day of November, and I don't even have a working title.
I started pottery last week, and it was amazing. I honestly don't care if I make nothing but lopsided bowls - working the clay with my hands, and feeling it spin on the wheel is an incredible experience. Seeing it take shape, and get thinner, or thicker, by the slightest pressure. It's amazing, honestly. I love getting my hands dirty.
There's a lot going on this month. Dad is going back to Arizona in a couple days, which means I'll get to be on my own again for a couple weeks - yaaaassss :) I'm glad that both of my parents will be home for Thanksgiving, though. And that mom will get to maybe see the tail end of fall...that weird inbetween where maybe there will snow, and maybe there will still be some pretty colors. I'm seeing a screening of "Of Mice and Men" the Sunday after they get home, which, as far as family time goes, will be a bummer. However, super stoked about it. I'm going to the screening in Portsmouth, and basically, spending the day in Portsmouth, with theatre, is going to be awesome. I'm also seeing Anberlin this month! They're on their final tour.
Well...I had a long paragraph written out, but decided that it would incite too many questions, and am just going to journal instead.
Learning how to keep things to myself. That's something I'm doing these days. All I know is, some things have come up in my life, and I am facing them. I'm trying to face them respectfully, and maturely, and eventually I will face them spiritually. All I know, is that despite the lag in my walk with God these days, I want to live my life based on Him, and living in reverential fear of Him. Not fear of people's opinions of me.
October 9, 2014
The urge
I had the urge to write publicly. So...here I am. I've been writing in a journal more often, mostly because there are too many random little things happening in my life that I can't share publicly...or, I could, and I just feel like it's none of y'all's business. That's a funny thing to say, especially for me to say, but hey - be proud of me! I'm learning boundaries, and I'm learning to to not be so vague (or not so vague.)
I just finished watching the move "Mona Lisa Smile," and I really loved it. I've seen a small collection of Julia Roberts' movies, and I've really enjoyed all of them. She is a really great actress. I feel that I've been able to relate to a lot of her characters, or at least the essence of them.
Her character in this movie, Katherine Watson, is wonderful, I think. I want to be that person to people. I want to challenge their norms, and inspire people.
I feel romantic. I'm in an air of romance, that isn't necessarily ROMANTIC, in the human love sense. It's my dimly lit room, me tapping away, listening to Corinne Bailey Rae, Vincent purring at the end of my bed.
You're jealous, now, aren't you? Well...I fell asleep in my work clothes, so don't be too jealous.
I was home alone for a couple of weeks. My dad is back for a little while, now, but I had a great time.
I cooked, I cleaned, I stayed up too late, I even went out on what I have determined was my first date. I also went apple picking for the first time! Twice! Both times were quite enjoyable, but I still have a ton of apples to utilize. :|
Pottery classes! I'm starting pottery classes this month, and I'm so excited about it! I took a pottery class a long time ago, and I've had fond memories of it ever since. I love getting my hands dirty, and pottery is awesome because you can create, and start over, and create, and change...all with one blob of clay.
So, I'm very much looking forward to that. It's a good life that I lead. Work seems to maybe be getting better, or I've reached a point of being so exhausted by it that I've just begun to not care anymore.
I just want to be happy, and I like my job. I like my coworkers, I like what I do, I like our regulars. That's something that I love about working in the mornings, now - Half the day is filled with regulars, and it's snap to just get their orders ready, and just have a nice time. Summer was so hard. I feel like we're almost kinda out of the woods, though...I dunno. I'm an eternal optimist who becomes easily negative when things are too hard...but I bounce back.
I have an email to write to my DM. I feel like a flake, but it's really just because I'm emotional and make decisions in the heat of the moment. Bleh. I just want things to be over, smoothed over, done...Let's be happy again. Stop the gossip, stop the judgments...I didn't want things to get ugly. I blame myself for everything, even if it's not my fault.
I'm gonna stop before this gets to rambly...But the fact is, I care about each of my coworkers, whether they believe it or not. I'm human just like everyone else, but I'm trying really hard to be Little Miss Sunshine. I like being Little Miss Sunshine to people.
;jkfn;kjnfdjnd;jndf;kjfnkn
I just finished watching the move "Mona Lisa Smile," and I really loved it. I've seen a small collection of Julia Roberts' movies, and I've really enjoyed all of them. She is a really great actress. I feel that I've been able to relate to a lot of her characters, or at least the essence of them.
Her character in this movie, Katherine Watson, is wonderful, I think. I want to be that person to people. I want to challenge their norms, and inspire people.
I feel romantic. I'm in an air of romance, that isn't necessarily ROMANTIC, in the human love sense. It's my dimly lit room, me tapping away, listening to Corinne Bailey Rae, Vincent purring at the end of my bed.
You're jealous, now, aren't you? Well...I fell asleep in my work clothes, so don't be too jealous.
I was home alone for a couple of weeks. My dad is back for a little while, now, but I had a great time.
I cooked, I cleaned, I stayed up too late, I even went out on what I have determined was my first date. I also went apple picking for the first time! Twice! Both times were quite enjoyable, but I still have a ton of apples to utilize. :|
Pottery classes! I'm starting pottery classes this month, and I'm so excited about it! I took a pottery class a long time ago, and I've had fond memories of it ever since. I love getting my hands dirty, and pottery is awesome because you can create, and start over, and create, and change...all with one blob of clay.
So, I'm very much looking forward to that. It's a good life that I lead. Work seems to maybe be getting better, or I've reached a point of being so exhausted by it that I've just begun to not care anymore.
I just want to be happy, and I like my job. I like my coworkers, I like what I do, I like our regulars. That's something that I love about working in the mornings, now - Half the day is filled with regulars, and it's snap to just get their orders ready, and just have a nice time. Summer was so hard. I feel like we're almost kinda out of the woods, though...I dunno. I'm an eternal optimist who becomes easily negative when things are too hard...but I bounce back.
I have an email to write to my DM. I feel like a flake, but it's really just because I'm emotional and make decisions in the heat of the moment. Bleh. I just want things to be over, smoothed over, done...Let's be happy again. Stop the gossip, stop the judgments...I didn't want things to get ugly. I blame myself for everything, even if it's not my fault.
I'm gonna stop before this gets to rambly...But the fact is, I care about each of my coworkers, whether they believe it or not. I'm human just like everyone else, but I'm trying really hard to be Little Miss Sunshine. I like being Little Miss Sunshine to people.
;jkfn;kjnfdjnd;jndf;kjfnkn
September 27, 2014
I should be in bed.
I'm not. Well..technically, yes. I'm in bed. I'm not asleep. I should be asleep.
I cannot shut off my mind. Especially this week. There is so much in my head - processing, listing, considering, hoping, brushing off...
Work stresses me out these days.
A woman that I went to college with wrote me a couple years ago, after reading one of my blog posts. It was some sort of manic rant about the guy that I was so madly in love with (I need to come up with a good nickname for him, because obviously I'm never going to stop talking about him, AND I'm at the point of just using his name. Everyone knows who he is, anyway.)
She wrote me, suggesting that I see a counselor. That this was clearly something that was stressing me out, big time. I responded, basically saying that I was fine, thanks for the advice.
I know that counselors are good. Therapists, psychiatrists...I even want to be one. For some reason, though, maybe it's just simply the media, I feel like if I have to see a therapist, that means that everything has just gone too far, and I'm now completely incapable of having any sort of control. It somehow makes my weakness too much of a reality.
We're afraid of our weaknesses. It's the reality of ourselves that we really just can't face, but is our burden alone. We have other burdens, but they can be shouldered by other people. Losing a job, having a bad hair day...other people can help us fix these things. Our weaknesses, though? No. That's ours alone.
Is it? Between yesterday and today, I realized how bad this stuff at work was getting. That maybe I should see someone. Talk to someone. They couldn't give me answers, but at least I could talk it out. Right? That's how people end up getting answers, they talk it out, and the pieces connect in their head, right?
At first I was resigned to it. I didn't like it. It meant that I had reached my proverbial rock bottom. However, as the past twenty-four hours have unfolded, as I've considered seeing someone, something kept creeping into my mind.
"Wonderful counselor." Now, the verse separates those two words, Isaiah 9:6, but that phrase would come to mind, and then the verse would come to mind, and all I could think was, "Why, if Jesus Christ is the Counselor..if He can listen to me AND give me answers, why would I go to anyone else? It's like when the Bible says (I paraphrase), "Would a father give his son a stone when he asks for bread?" Me seeing someone is like me ASKING for a stone, when Christ is offering me bread, always. He is always there for me, and His wisdom, and peace are at my disposal, if only I would accept them. I don't even have to ask, because I'm a child of God, and those things are freely offered to me. I choose to take them or ignore them.
I hope that no one reads this, and thinks that I am saying counselors, and therapists are wrong. They aren't. They are people who listen, and are there for us when we feel like we can't trust anyone else. They do good, and I am in no way belittling their work.
For me, though...I have Christ. He knows my future, He sees what I'm doing, and He knows my heart and my mind. He loves me, and I wouldn't be where I am if there wasn't a purpose. There's purpose in all of this nonsense. There always is. I don't need to run off to get a cheap answer. I don't need to recount everything that's happened. He has seen it all. He knew of it before the beginning of time. I can trust Him. Starbucks might be big, and they might not be doing their job right, but God is greater than Starbucks, and He tells us in His word that His love does not fail us. He is perfect, and just. He brings justice where there is injustice. He moves us when it's time for us to be moved.
It's a battle to have peace, and have a good attitude, and to treat everyone with love, and respect. It's really hard right now. It won't be hard forever.
I cannot shut off my mind. Especially this week. There is so much in my head - processing, listing, considering, hoping, brushing off...
Work stresses me out these days.
A woman that I went to college with wrote me a couple years ago, after reading one of my blog posts. It was some sort of manic rant about the guy that I was so madly in love with (I need to come up with a good nickname for him, because obviously I'm never going to stop talking about him, AND I'm at the point of just using his name. Everyone knows who he is, anyway.)
She wrote me, suggesting that I see a counselor. That this was clearly something that was stressing me out, big time. I responded, basically saying that I was fine, thanks for the advice.
I know that counselors are good. Therapists, psychiatrists...I even want to be one. For some reason, though, maybe it's just simply the media, I feel like if I have to see a therapist, that means that everything has just gone too far, and I'm now completely incapable of having any sort of control. It somehow makes my weakness too much of a reality.
We're afraid of our weaknesses. It's the reality of ourselves that we really just can't face, but is our burden alone. We have other burdens, but they can be shouldered by other people. Losing a job, having a bad hair day...other people can help us fix these things. Our weaknesses, though? No. That's ours alone.
Is it? Between yesterday and today, I realized how bad this stuff at work was getting. That maybe I should see someone. Talk to someone. They couldn't give me answers, but at least I could talk it out. Right? That's how people end up getting answers, they talk it out, and the pieces connect in their head, right?
At first I was resigned to it. I didn't like it. It meant that I had reached my proverbial rock bottom. However, as the past twenty-four hours have unfolded, as I've considered seeing someone, something kept creeping into my mind.
"Wonderful counselor." Now, the verse separates those two words, Isaiah 9:6, but that phrase would come to mind, and then the verse would come to mind, and all I could think was, "Why, if Jesus Christ is the Counselor..if He can listen to me AND give me answers, why would I go to anyone else? It's like when the Bible says (I paraphrase), "Would a father give his son a stone when he asks for bread?" Me seeing someone is like me ASKING for a stone, when Christ is offering me bread, always. He is always there for me, and His wisdom, and peace are at my disposal, if only I would accept them. I don't even have to ask, because I'm a child of God, and those things are freely offered to me. I choose to take them or ignore them.
I hope that no one reads this, and thinks that I am saying counselors, and therapists are wrong. They aren't. They are people who listen, and are there for us when we feel like we can't trust anyone else. They do good, and I am in no way belittling their work.
For me, though...I have Christ. He knows my future, He sees what I'm doing, and He knows my heart and my mind. He loves me, and I wouldn't be where I am if there wasn't a purpose. There's purpose in all of this nonsense. There always is. I don't need to run off to get a cheap answer. I don't need to recount everything that's happened. He has seen it all. He knew of it before the beginning of time. I can trust Him. Starbucks might be big, and they might not be doing their job right, but God is greater than Starbucks, and He tells us in His word that His love does not fail us. He is perfect, and just. He brings justice where there is injustice. He moves us when it's time for us to be moved.
It's a battle to have peace, and have a good attitude, and to treat everyone with love, and respect. It's really hard right now. It won't be hard forever.
August 28, 2014
Partner, or Peon?
I work at Starbucks.
You probably know that I had wanted to work for Starbucks since the age of 15 or 16. I applied many times. I interviewed many times. I got rejected many times. Then one day, I decided to apply one last time. I had a few options in front of me - moving to Colorado, moving to Tennessee, and this job.
The day of my interview, there was a huge snowstorm, and when I called the manager to let her know that I might be a couple minutes late, she told me that it was okay if I wanted to reschedule. I said no. I had determined in my mind that I HAD to make it to this interview. If I decided to skip it because of bad weather, then what would that say about me? That I wasn't going to come to work if the weather was bad? That doesn't make me look like a good employee, right? No. I had to get there. My father drove me, like a mad man, through inches of slush on the 95. I walked in the door the minute that I was supposed to be there. I interviewed, I was myself, and I was offered a job before I walked out.
When I got into the car, and told my dad that I had been offered the job, we both started crying. My parents knew how much this meant to me. They had seen my disappointment, and they knew how much I wanted the job. They supported my unwillingness to just apply willy-nilly for any job because of how committed I was to getting a job at Starbucks. I was set. I was determined that this was it. I wanted to do coffee, and Starbucks was the best way for me to start. I knew it. My parents supported me, and my dream of making coffee for people, to give people a moment of happiness in their day.
That's what I believed Starbucks was. It's what Starbucks says they are. Sometimes, I still believe it. Unfortunately, oftentimes these days...I don't. Even in little things like not brewing decaf coffee first thing in the morning. We have early morning regulars who ALWAYS get half-caf, or decaf coffee, and they don't want to wait for a pour over, because waiting for a pour over stinks. No one should have to wait for a pour over in a place like Starbucks.
My job is always on my mind these days. A lot has been going on this year. I won't go into specifics, some of you know exactly what has been going on, but I won't go into it here. Very long story short, Starbucks has let me down. And I get it. This is The Man. This is Corporate. However, this is a corporation that has made a really big deal about being more than Corporate, or being more than just The Man. And maybe I'm just naive peon who wanted to believe in something better than what is showing to just be simple reality. Isn't that always the way? Even with Communism - it was a great idea at first. People supported it, believed in it til the end. Even when it was ruining lives. They didn't want to admit that this thing...wasn't all that it was made out to be.
That's what Starbucks is to me now. Not all it was cracked up to be. Sure, there's insurance. Sure, there's access to education. Sure, there's free coffee. Okay. But what are we really to Howard Schultz in the end? A machine. Cogs that when they start to squeak, get a little grease, but even when that little bit of grease doesn't fix the problem, and the cogs keep jamming...the mechanic begins to dig a little bit..okay. But he certainly likes to take his time. The cogs keep jamming. For months. And yet, just little drops of oil, little tweaks are made, instead of just taking apart the machine and finding out how to really fix whatever might be wrong.
This company really does just care about money. I love my coworkers. My partners. And unfortunately, the job keeps you stuck because honestly - insurance is a pain to deal with these days. It's nice to not have to worry about it.
I don't like being a cog. I wish that I was really a partner. They say that I am, but I'm not really. I'm a peon, and I'm having trouble accepting that. But I don't know what else to do. I've done everything. I've taken every flashlight and shone it into every crevice to try to get the mechanic to take me seriously.
They say they do. I just am really struggling to believe it. But I keep going to work. I keep coming back from my lunch breaks. I haven't walked out yet. Clearly, there's a microscopic bit of me that believes Them. Or is hoping that I do. Telling myself to try and think about trying to believe them.
I either need a husband with a solid income, or Jesus needs to come back, because being unemployed is not awesome.
I wish that I could somehow be convinced that I'm not a peon. I desperately want to be a partner instead. I wish that I knew what to expect when I go to work..well, I do. But I mean from myself. Sometimes it's a good day. And then the next day will be rock bottom. I'm getting motion sickness from this roller coaster.
I wasn't really ever expecting to write about this, while still working for the company. I figured that eventually I'd quit, and then blog it all out. But none of this is angry. It's mostly just sad. Sort of hopeless. Disillusioned. I guess that's the best word. Disillusioned.
Alas, it's all I can think about. But I've talked to so many people in Corporate about it, and ugly cried to them, on the phone or in person, and I've talked to my coworkers about it all so...I guess it's not much of a secret.
My heart is genuinely broken. That sounds silly, to most of you, probably. You think, "It's just a job. It's just Starbucks." Well, yes. But getting this job was a literal dream come true for me. I am heartbroken.
You probably know that I had wanted to work for Starbucks since the age of 15 or 16. I applied many times. I interviewed many times. I got rejected many times. Then one day, I decided to apply one last time. I had a few options in front of me - moving to Colorado, moving to Tennessee, and this job.
The day of my interview, there was a huge snowstorm, and when I called the manager to let her know that I might be a couple minutes late, she told me that it was okay if I wanted to reschedule. I said no. I had determined in my mind that I HAD to make it to this interview. If I decided to skip it because of bad weather, then what would that say about me? That I wasn't going to come to work if the weather was bad? That doesn't make me look like a good employee, right? No. I had to get there. My father drove me, like a mad man, through inches of slush on the 95. I walked in the door the minute that I was supposed to be there. I interviewed, I was myself, and I was offered a job before I walked out.
When I got into the car, and told my dad that I had been offered the job, we both started crying. My parents knew how much this meant to me. They had seen my disappointment, and they knew how much I wanted the job. They supported my unwillingness to just apply willy-nilly for any job because of how committed I was to getting a job at Starbucks. I was set. I was determined that this was it. I wanted to do coffee, and Starbucks was the best way for me to start. I knew it. My parents supported me, and my dream of making coffee for people, to give people a moment of happiness in their day.
That's what I believed Starbucks was. It's what Starbucks says they are. Sometimes, I still believe it. Unfortunately, oftentimes these days...I don't. Even in little things like not brewing decaf coffee first thing in the morning. We have early morning regulars who ALWAYS get half-caf, or decaf coffee, and they don't want to wait for a pour over, because waiting for a pour over stinks. No one should have to wait for a pour over in a place like Starbucks.
My job is always on my mind these days. A lot has been going on this year. I won't go into specifics, some of you know exactly what has been going on, but I won't go into it here. Very long story short, Starbucks has let me down. And I get it. This is The Man. This is Corporate. However, this is a corporation that has made a really big deal about being more than Corporate, or being more than just The Man. And maybe I'm just naive peon who wanted to believe in something better than what is showing to just be simple reality. Isn't that always the way? Even with Communism - it was a great idea at first. People supported it, believed in it til the end. Even when it was ruining lives. They didn't want to admit that this thing...wasn't all that it was made out to be.
That's what Starbucks is to me now. Not all it was cracked up to be. Sure, there's insurance. Sure, there's access to education. Sure, there's free coffee. Okay. But what are we really to Howard Schultz in the end? A machine. Cogs that when they start to squeak, get a little grease, but even when that little bit of grease doesn't fix the problem, and the cogs keep jamming...the mechanic begins to dig a little bit..okay. But he certainly likes to take his time. The cogs keep jamming. For months. And yet, just little drops of oil, little tweaks are made, instead of just taking apart the machine and finding out how to really fix whatever might be wrong.
This company really does just care about money. I love my coworkers. My partners. And unfortunately, the job keeps you stuck because honestly - insurance is a pain to deal with these days. It's nice to not have to worry about it.
I don't like being a cog. I wish that I was really a partner. They say that I am, but I'm not really. I'm a peon, and I'm having trouble accepting that. But I don't know what else to do. I've done everything. I've taken every flashlight and shone it into every crevice to try to get the mechanic to take me seriously.
They say they do. I just am really struggling to believe it. But I keep going to work. I keep coming back from my lunch breaks. I haven't walked out yet. Clearly, there's a microscopic bit of me that believes Them. Or is hoping that I do. Telling myself to try and think about trying to believe them.
I either need a husband with a solid income, or Jesus needs to come back, because being unemployed is not awesome.
I wish that I could somehow be convinced that I'm not a peon. I desperately want to be a partner instead. I wish that I knew what to expect when I go to work..well, I do. But I mean from myself. Sometimes it's a good day. And then the next day will be rock bottom. I'm getting motion sickness from this roller coaster.
I wasn't really ever expecting to write about this, while still working for the company. I figured that eventually I'd quit, and then blog it all out. But none of this is angry. It's mostly just sad. Sort of hopeless. Disillusioned. I guess that's the best word. Disillusioned.
Alas, it's all I can think about. But I've talked to so many people in Corporate about it, and ugly cried to them, on the phone or in person, and I've talked to my coworkers about it all so...I guess it's not much of a secret.
My heart is genuinely broken. That sounds silly, to most of you, probably. You think, "It's just a job. It's just Starbucks." Well, yes. But getting this job was a literal dream come true for me. I am heartbroken.
August 17, 2014
Since last time...
For obvious reasons (obvious to me, not you,) I can't share everything that's going on these days. To suffice, personal life is going well, professional life is a struggle. Obviously, life ebbs and flows, so I'm just trying to do my best and see what happens. See what God's purpose is in everything, and not shy away from just enjoying what is nice.
In recent news, I bought a laptop. It's a cute, little Chromebook, and when I bought it, Google stole my soul. I'm pleased that it will fit in my creative tote bag, the one I bought from the screening of "A Film About Coffee," which was a beautiful, and informative film that I absolutely loved.
I'm making progress in my Coffee Tasting Journal. I have four medium roasts, and three dark roasts left to document. I'm hoping to make tasting more accessible for my partners, alongside a partner who is also enthusiastic about coffee (only one of so many reasons why we are a type of soulmates.)
I hear guitar outside. It's really faint, but it's out there, somewhere. I wish I had more discipline to learn the guitar that I was so generously given, a million years ago.
I just made plans to go on a hike with my friend Sam. I have barely seen her this summer, if at all! Between her internship, and her job, and my job...I think we saw each other a couple times at church. Anyway - we're going to make our way around Kenoza Lake! I'm so excited!
What else..I'm growing my low-maintenance plant collection. A succulent, and bamboo. My dad bought me the bamboo for my birthday, and the succulent was an impulse purchase. It's in an adorable yellow pot, how could I say no? I also got myself some daisies this week. They're perfect, white, Gerbera Daisies. My cat wants to eat them.
Robin Williams passed away this week, which, sort of surprisingly to me, made a bigger impact on me than I thought it would..in hindsight, obviously. Who would have expected him to kill himself? We, the distant fans knew him as an entertainer, a good man, someone who was funny, and kind. It goes to show that because we don't know everyone's stories..we don't know how our words, or actions can affect someone - for the better, or the worse. We are imperfect people, but we must try to do what we can to show kindness to everyone we meet. As believers, to show the love of Christ to those we encounter. We simply don't know the impact that we are having on people.
Sharayah moved back to Washington. I miss her like crazy. (Why are there fireworks outside?) However, our mutual friend Katy and I are hoping to traverse to Washington for the SCAA Coffee Event next year. Nothing but good times will be had.
Side note: There are some MASSIVE flies in our house right now. Like, killer flies. Like, gonna eat my brains while I sleep, flies. Like, so big that Hitchcock could have made a movie about them flies. BIG. I know that I killed one, I think I killed the biggest one...seriously, the size of a quarter. That's just not right, people. If I don't answer any texts tomorrow, you'll know that they've gotten revenge on me for killing their leader.
One of my supervisors from work in is Europe right now. She spent the weekend in Paris, and I am convinced that there is no place on Earth more perfect than that city. I'm convinced.
Let's see...what else should I touch on? Personal life: quite nice. Work life: quite challenging. Spiritual life: needs improvement. Since my rededication to the Lord, I feel like...Things are kind of just in a tizzy. I=MY heart isn't hard to God, or His Word, but it's challenging to keep my face towards Him, and to trust Him with every aspect of my life. There are things that are easy to keep in prayer, and others that I can pray about, but it's hard to live out the faith that I'm trying to have about the situation.
I just need more. I need to pursue the Lord more than I am. I know this. It's the only way that I'll have some semblance of peace about what makes me uneasy. I know that if I continually surrender my will to His, that things will fall into place the way that is best. I don't want to compromise, but I don't want to handle things the wrong way.
I have to seek Him. And trust Him. I'm thankful that He knows my future, but I am capable for making things harder than they need to be. And we all know how THAT goes.
Well, I have an early morning. My schedule this week is great. Here's hoping for a good, productive week, with as little tension, and stress as possible. And full of treating others the way the Christ wants me to treat them. Hashtag the struggle is real.
In recent news, I bought a laptop. It's a cute, little Chromebook, and when I bought it, Google stole my soul. I'm pleased that it will fit in my creative tote bag, the one I bought from the screening of "A Film About Coffee," which was a beautiful, and informative film that I absolutely loved.
I'm making progress in my Coffee Tasting Journal. I have four medium roasts, and three dark roasts left to document. I'm hoping to make tasting more accessible for my partners, alongside a partner who is also enthusiastic about coffee (only one of so many reasons why we are a type of soulmates.)
I hear guitar outside. It's really faint, but it's out there, somewhere. I wish I had more discipline to learn the guitar that I was so generously given, a million years ago.
I just made plans to go on a hike with my friend Sam. I have barely seen her this summer, if at all! Between her internship, and her job, and my job...I think we saw each other a couple times at church. Anyway - we're going to make our way around Kenoza Lake! I'm so excited!
What else..I'm growing my low-maintenance plant collection. A succulent, and bamboo. My dad bought me the bamboo for my birthday, and the succulent was an impulse purchase. It's in an adorable yellow pot, how could I say no? I also got myself some daisies this week. They're perfect, white, Gerbera Daisies. My cat wants to eat them.
Robin Williams passed away this week, which, sort of surprisingly to me, made a bigger impact on me than I thought it would..in hindsight, obviously. Who would have expected him to kill himself? We, the distant fans knew him as an entertainer, a good man, someone who was funny, and kind. It goes to show that because we don't know everyone's stories..we don't know how our words, or actions can affect someone - for the better, or the worse. We are imperfect people, but we must try to do what we can to show kindness to everyone we meet. As believers, to show the love of Christ to those we encounter. We simply don't know the impact that we are having on people.
Sharayah moved back to Washington. I miss her like crazy. (Why are there fireworks outside?) However, our mutual friend Katy and I are hoping to traverse to Washington for the SCAA Coffee Event next year. Nothing but good times will be had.
Side note: There are some MASSIVE flies in our house right now. Like, killer flies. Like, gonna eat my brains while I sleep, flies. Like, so big that Hitchcock could have made a movie about them flies. BIG. I know that I killed one, I think I killed the biggest one...seriously, the size of a quarter. That's just not right, people. If I don't answer any texts tomorrow, you'll know that they've gotten revenge on me for killing their leader.
One of my supervisors from work in is Europe right now. She spent the weekend in Paris, and I am convinced that there is no place on Earth more perfect than that city. I'm convinced.
Let's see...what else should I touch on? Personal life: quite nice. Work life: quite challenging. Spiritual life: needs improvement. Since my rededication to the Lord, I feel like...Things are kind of just in a tizzy. I=MY heart isn't hard to God, or His Word, but it's challenging to keep my face towards Him, and to trust Him with every aspect of my life. There are things that are easy to keep in prayer, and others that I can pray about, but it's hard to live out the faith that I'm trying to have about the situation.
I just need more. I need to pursue the Lord more than I am. I know this. It's the only way that I'll have some semblance of peace about what makes me uneasy. I know that if I continually surrender my will to His, that things will fall into place the way that is best. I don't want to compromise, but I don't want to handle things the wrong way.
I have to seek Him. And trust Him. I'm thankful that He knows my future, but I am capable for making things harder than they need to be. And we all know how THAT goes.
Well, I have an early morning. My schedule this week is great. Here's hoping for a good, productive week, with as little tension, and stress as possible. And full of treating others the way the Christ wants me to treat them. Hashtag the struggle is real.
July 12, 2014
Honesty.
I was told by someone that I should write something honest. That I'm holding back something, and should be really open with people about my love journey. Or whatever you want to call it.
Some parents tell their kids when they're allowed to start dating. Some parents don't care, some parents have very defined rules about age, what kind of dates you can go on, etc. My parents however, didn't really have a chance to do either.
Whether it was a plant, or just happenstance, I read a book when I was about eleven years old about courtship. It was a thin, purple book with a picture of a knight and a princess on it. I remember one story in the book - what the specifics are, I don't remember - and basically, in the story, these two people who didn't date, came upon each other one day and both of them had that "feeling" and they courted, and got married. They met by chance, and they decided that now was the time stop not dating, and be in a relationship that had the intention of marriage. AKA courtship.
That sounded pretty good to me. Don't have to worry about finding a boy to like you, just live your life, and you'll meet someone, and you both will know, and then you can kind of date, but it's not dating because you both know that you're going to marry each other, and then get married. Awesome.
Well, honestly, not awesome. Because for the next 11 or so years, I would live every single day expecting to meet my future husband. It didn't matter where I was, how old I was, how old the guy was (unless he was younger than me, but even then - who am I to tell God how old he should be, right?) I could meet my husband any day and it was going to instant recognition, and we were going to be together forever because you can't get divorced or anything if you don't date anyone else except that one person you're supposed to marry.
So for the entirety of my pre-teen, teen, and young adult years, I anticipated the day that my future husband would walk into my life. I loved the idea of love. I could find a reason to have a crush on pretty much anyone - I mean, he could have been The One. Duh. If someone seemed particularly great I knew that he was definitely The One. And by great, at this point, I mean cute, funny, and he was a Christian. When I liked just one guy for long periods of time, I was positive that he was the one, because why would I like someone THAT MUCH for five years and not marry them? Duh, guys.
Some people encouraged me to express my feelings to boys that I liked. I did a couple of times, usually through a friend. But here's what I found to be common with time - guys liked my friends. Not me. I was nice and whatever, but they didn't want to date me. I wasn't skinny, I wasn't fashionable. I was weird, and chubby. Well, cool. I didn't want to date you either. I wanted to court you, and then marry you. So, you're obviously not the one because you don't want to court. Whatever. The guy that I'm gonna marry is going to believe in courtship, and he's gonna love me right away, and he's gonna love me for who I am.
So..pause. All of this is happening in high school. I'm between the ages of..I dunno. I guess 13 and 17. It feels like it was so much longer than just a few years.
And that was my life. I believed that I and my intended would know right away that we were meant to be, that I wouldn't have to explain courtship to him, it would just be a mutual understanding, and that he would like me for who I am, and I don't have to make myself anything I'm not for him.
Ultimately, this has the potential to be a really healthy attitude. But it wasn't. I was OBSESSED with getting married. OBSESSED with meeting The One. OBSESSED that he could be ANYONE, and WHAT IF I MISS IT? Then it started to evolve. What if I miss him because I'm fat? What if I miss it because I'm not funny enough? What if I miss it because I'm ugly? What if I miss it because I'm looking for a certain kind of person, and he ends up being someone weird that I don't like? What if I have to be with someone who is gross, and weird? And it kept evolving over the years.
Well, I'm weird, so I deserve someone weird. Well, I'm fat, so it's unrealistic that I should expect to be with someone who is "hot". Well, my standards are too high. But if I lower my standards, I might end up with the wrong person. I'm not very spiritual, so I don't deserve someone who has an actual walk with God.
When I really step back and think about it, it's been pretty much the most self-negative journey anyone could take.
I had promised myself to save things like sex, and my first kiss. People, friends, said that they really admired me for doing this. For not dating, for waiting. "True love waits," right? But then those things became a non-issue. Mostly because of insecurity. Who would want to be with me anyway? Good thing I decided to not date, that way I can avoid any kind of rejection of my body. My lack of experience.
I also became obsessed with wanting to know if boys liked me. My mom always told me that "you might not know, but boys DO like you." I wanted her to prove it. Who? Who in the world would like me? No one, duh. That's why this not dating this is a life saver because I'm already not going to be in relationships. Crisis averted.
And in college, when I entered a new world, a new scope of men. Adults, people who weren't like the guys I went to high school with. People who were here to seek God, so they were definitely of the spiritual caliber that I demanded. And there were some handsome men in college. I started liking people right away (it would be out of character for me to NOT like anyone right away.)
And mind you, because men were a group to select my future husband from ,not just people that share planet Earth with me, I never really got to become FRIENDS with any of them. I would see you in class, or at church, but I didn't hang out. If I did, in a group setting or at youth group, I was still just waiting for you to realize that we were soulmates.
So college..well, Bible college. The place where men and women can't be one on one, they can't date - perfect! I don't date anyway. Not an issue. I will be obeying that rule like it's second nature.
As a lot of you know, Bible college is where I first found out that a boy liked me back, and it was where I learned how to talk to guys as people, and it was where I first started finding my voice as a person, and speaking honestly with men because...well, that's what the boy taught me to do. I was there for him. I was his listening ear. We talked almost ever night the summer after my first year in college, and we became best friends. I was pretty shy when we first started talking - my main purpose was just to listen to him talk about how much he missed this other girl - but as time went one, I began to realize. He and I are meant to be. Not in a silly way like before but for real. And no, he may not get it yet, but that's okay. I'm willing to wait. That's what all these years have been about right? I knew he liked me back, even though I hadn't asked. I could just tell. It was too obvious. In fact, it was so obvious some second year that he liked me, that I would get frustrated and depressed because I couldn't tell him how I felt. I couldn't tell him this secret. But we didn't keep anything from each other. I remember the night that we expressed our feelings to each other like it happened last night. It still fills me with a weird, nervous, flushed sensation. And that was it. He told me that he could see a future with me. That it "made sense." Yeah. It made sense to me too.
This expression of feelings led to a couple of weeks of pure bliss for me. Now I knew what it was like to look at a guy, and know that when he looked back you and smiled, he meant it. It meant he liked me back. That when I was sitting in the foyer reading, and he happened to walk in, he would come over to me and talk to me, and it was nice. It was really nice. I decided that there was no one else after this. Hell eventually broke loose that year, but I remained committed in my heart. What's meant to be will be. I'm not going to write about the next two years because I've talked about them a lot, and if anything I'll just cry. The summarize: I admitted to myself that I loved this man. Boy. I was truly in love with him and I would deal with whatever I needed to deal with til he realized I was the one. The one who was always there for him, the one who truly care about him, who told him the hard truths, but kept reminding him that I was on his side.
I gave the kid everything. Whether he realizes how much he really had of me, I won't know until heaven, but he had it all. What then? After he broke my heart, or maybe I broke my heart...what of men then?
Well, men were dirty pigs who just wanted women to pay attention to them. They didn't care about how we felt. They just like knowing that they have a shoulder to cry on, and someone to have sex with. That makes me incredibly undesirable because I'm just not a premarital sex kind of girl. What's the point of men?
This is where it gets convoluted. But at some point, probably in May of 2013, I began to gain control of myself. Yes, the man who I loved still had charm, and wit, and he still was able to effortlessly drawn me in with everything about him. But no. I was done. I was able to move on from this. I'm a woman, and darned if I'm going to let this guy have any more control over me. It was hard. I experienced a severe emotional breakdown, in Walmart, in Canada about this guy. I could see that I was just unhealthy at this point. But let's be fair - I had been waiting for what felt like an eternity to meet the one man who was going to be my partner in life. I thought our paths had finally crossed. I believed it. I didn't want to be wrong.
But I was. And as time went on, I became okay with it. I had already begin becoming comfortable with my body, at whatever weight. I began figuring myself out. What I really liked, what I really didn't. I began coming out of my shell, and being outgoing, and fun, and just myself. The person that I was in the girls dorm, I was everywhere. So then my thinking began to change. It ebbed and flowed, but essentially, I came to a place where I could say, and honestly believe, and strived to live by the belief that I was happy being myself for real. I was happy working in a job doing what I loved, and I don't need a man right away. Do I need a man ever?
It's still a struggle. I'm in a place where I don't think I'm going to get married any time soon, if ever. My life looks pretty good as a single woman. And looking for a man is tiring. Waiting for a man is tiring. I'd rather do nothing about it and be truly taken by surprise. I still believe that he will love me for who I am, just the way that I am, but I'm actually trying to take care of myself now. Dress nicely, where a little make up. But for me. Not for him. Whoever he is. Wherever he is. It's hard to trust God with something that you really can't take too much action on. It may look like I'm complacent, but I'm still trusting God. I'm trusting for His will. I don't know what it is. If marriage and a man are His will, then that will show up.
At this point, I'm actually trying to just be friends with men. I don't know very many, but the few that I do know, I'm trying to just talk to them. And see them as human beings, not potential husbands. This in itself brings it's own frustrations because most of the men I know are not looking for a casual, off-limits-to-sex gal pal. It's hard for men and women to be friends. It's hard to ignore chemistry, because no matter what our thoughts on dating are, we feel chemistry and immediately think that if we pursue ANYTHING, romantic or otherwise with this person, it's gonna turn into something, and I don't know if I really want to be with this person like that.
WHATEVER. Ignore the chemistry! Accept it, and just live your life. Be friends. Talk, discuss, go get coffee, go to the movies, read books, whatever. Do it, and just enjoy the company of another human being. Not because you're going to get something from them, but because people need each other and it's okay to spend time with PEOPLE. I just don't care anymore. I'm not looking for a man to marry. If a man wants to marry me, then cool. Talk to my parents about it, because that's how courtship works. I'm busy living my life, and I'm done wasting time by making time to WAIT FOR YOU, WHOEVER YOU ARE. Don't be afraid to make yourself known. I'm a flexible person. But don't expect me to be sitting around for you anymore, whoever you are. I'll be up and about, reading, and sketching, and making coffee.
Some parents tell their kids when they're allowed to start dating. Some parents don't care, some parents have very defined rules about age, what kind of dates you can go on, etc. My parents however, didn't really have a chance to do either.
Whether it was a plant, or just happenstance, I read a book when I was about eleven years old about courtship. It was a thin, purple book with a picture of a knight and a princess on it. I remember one story in the book - what the specifics are, I don't remember - and basically, in the story, these two people who didn't date, came upon each other one day and both of them had that "feeling" and they courted, and got married. They met by chance, and they decided that now was the time stop not dating, and be in a relationship that had the intention of marriage. AKA courtship.
That sounded pretty good to me. Don't have to worry about finding a boy to like you, just live your life, and you'll meet someone, and you both will know, and then you can kind of date, but it's not dating because you both know that you're going to marry each other, and then get married. Awesome.
Well, honestly, not awesome. Because for the next 11 or so years, I would live every single day expecting to meet my future husband. It didn't matter where I was, how old I was, how old the guy was (unless he was younger than me, but even then - who am I to tell God how old he should be, right?) I could meet my husband any day and it was going to instant recognition, and we were going to be together forever because you can't get divorced or anything if you don't date anyone else except that one person you're supposed to marry.
So for the entirety of my pre-teen, teen, and young adult years, I anticipated the day that my future husband would walk into my life. I loved the idea of love. I could find a reason to have a crush on pretty much anyone - I mean, he could have been The One. Duh. If someone seemed particularly great I knew that he was definitely The One. And by great, at this point, I mean cute, funny, and he was a Christian. When I liked just one guy for long periods of time, I was positive that he was the one, because why would I like someone THAT MUCH for five years and not marry them? Duh, guys.
Some people encouraged me to express my feelings to boys that I liked. I did a couple of times, usually through a friend. But here's what I found to be common with time - guys liked my friends. Not me. I was nice and whatever, but they didn't want to date me. I wasn't skinny, I wasn't fashionable. I was weird, and chubby. Well, cool. I didn't want to date you either. I wanted to court you, and then marry you. So, you're obviously not the one because you don't want to court. Whatever. The guy that I'm gonna marry is going to believe in courtship, and he's gonna love me right away, and he's gonna love me for who I am.
So..pause. All of this is happening in high school. I'm between the ages of..I dunno. I guess 13 and 17. It feels like it was so much longer than just a few years.
And that was my life. I believed that I and my intended would know right away that we were meant to be, that I wouldn't have to explain courtship to him, it would just be a mutual understanding, and that he would like me for who I am, and I don't have to make myself anything I'm not for him.
Ultimately, this has the potential to be a really healthy attitude. But it wasn't. I was OBSESSED with getting married. OBSESSED with meeting The One. OBSESSED that he could be ANYONE, and WHAT IF I MISS IT? Then it started to evolve. What if I miss him because I'm fat? What if I miss it because I'm not funny enough? What if I miss it because I'm ugly? What if I miss it because I'm looking for a certain kind of person, and he ends up being someone weird that I don't like? What if I have to be with someone who is gross, and weird? And it kept evolving over the years.
Well, I'm weird, so I deserve someone weird. Well, I'm fat, so it's unrealistic that I should expect to be with someone who is "hot". Well, my standards are too high. But if I lower my standards, I might end up with the wrong person. I'm not very spiritual, so I don't deserve someone who has an actual walk with God.
When I really step back and think about it, it's been pretty much the most self-negative journey anyone could take.
I had promised myself to save things like sex, and my first kiss. People, friends, said that they really admired me for doing this. For not dating, for waiting. "True love waits," right? But then those things became a non-issue. Mostly because of insecurity. Who would want to be with me anyway? Good thing I decided to not date, that way I can avoid any kind of rejection of my body. My lack of experience.
I also became obsessed with wanting to know if boys liked me. My mom always told me that "you might not know, but boys DO like you." I wanted her to prove it. Who? Who in the world would like me? No one, duh. That's why this not dating this is a life saver because I'm already not going to be in relationships. Crisis averted.
And in college, when I entered a new world, a new scope of men. Adults, people who weren't like the guys I went to high school with. People who were here to seek God, so they were definitely of the spiritual caliber that I demanded. And there were some handsome men in college. I started liking people right away (it would be out of character for me to NOT like anyone right away.)
And mind you, because men were a group to select my future husband from ,not just people that share planet Earth with me, I never really got to become FRIENDS with any of them. I would see you in class, or at church, but I didn't hang out. If I did, in a group setting or at youth group, I was still just waiting for you to realize that we were soulmates.
So college..well, Bible college. The place where men and women can't be one on one, they can't date - perfect! I don't date anyway. Not an issue. I will be obeying that rule like it's second nature.
As a lot of you know, Bible college is where I first found out that a boy liked me back, and it was where I learned how to talk to guys as people, and it was where I first started finding my voice as a person, and speaking honestly with men because...well, that's what the boy taught me to do. I was there for him. I was his listening ear. We talked almost ever night the summer after my first year in college, and we became best friends. I was pretty shy when we first started talking - my main purpose was just to listen to him talk about how much he missed this other girl - but as time went one, I began to realize. He and I are meant to be. Not in a silly way like before but for real. And no, he may not get it yet, but that's okay. I'm willing to wait. That's what all these years have been about right? I knew he liked me back, even though I hadn't asked. I could just tell. It was too obvious. In fact, it was so obvious some second year that he liked me, that I would get frustrated and depressed because I couldn't tell him how I felt. I couldn't tell him this secret. But we didn't keep anything from each other. I remember the night that we expressed our feelings to each other like it happened last night. It still fills me with a weird, nervous, flushed sensation. And that was it. He told me that he could see a future with me. That it "made sense." Yeah. It made sense to me too.
This expression of feelings led to a couple of weeks of pure bliss for me. Now I knew what it was like to look at a guy, and know that when he looked back you and smiled, he meant it. It meant he liked me back. That when I was sitting in the foyer reading, and he happened to walk in, he would come over to me and talk to me, and it was nice. It was really nice. I decided that there was no one else after this. Hell eventually broke loose that year, but I remained committed in my heart. What's meant to be will be. I'm not going to write about the next two years because I've talked about them a lot, and if anything I'll just cry. The summarize: I admitted to myself that I loved this man. Boy. I was truly in love with him and I would deal with whatever I needed to deal with til he realized I was the one. The one who was always there for him, the one who truly care about him, who told him the hard truths, but kept reminding him that I was on his side.
I gave the kid everything. Whether he realizes how much he really had of me, I won't know until heaven, but he had it all. What then? After he broke my heart, or maybe I broke my heart...what of men then?
Well, men were dirty pigs who just wanted women to pay attention to them. They didn't care about how we felt. They just like knowing that they have a shoulder to cry on, and someone to have sex with. That makes me incredibly undesirable because I'm just not a premarital sex kind of girl. What's the point of men?
This is where it gets convoluted. But at some point, probably in May of 2013, I began to gain control of myself. Yes, the man who I loved still had charm, and wit, and he still was able to effortlessly drawn me in with everything about him. But no. I was done. I was able to move on from this. I'm a woman, and darned if I'm going to let this guy have any more control over me. It was hard. I experienced a severe emotional breakdown, in Walmart, in Canada about this guy. I could see that I was just unhealthy at this point. But let's be fair - I had been waiting for what felt like an eternity to meet the one man who was going to be my partner in life. I thought our paths had finally crossed. I believed it. I didn't want to be wrong.
But I was. And as time went on, I became okay with it. I had already begin becoming comfortable with my body, at whatever weight. I began figuring myself out. What I really liked, what I really didn't. I began coming out of my shell, and being outgoing, and fun, and just myself. The person that I was in the girls dorm, I was everywhere. So then my thinking began to change. It ebbed and flowed, but essentially, I came to a place where I could say, and honestly believe, and strived to live by the belief that I was happy being myself for real. I was happy working in a job doing what I loved, and I don't need a man right away. Do I need a man ever?
It's still a struggle. I'm in a place where I don't think I'm going to get married any time soon, if ever. My life looks pretty good as a single woman. And looking for a man is tiring. Waiting for a man is tiring. I'd rather do nothing about it and be truly taken by surprise. I still believe that he will love me for who I am, just the way that I am, but I'm actually trying to take care of myself now. Dress nicely, where a little make up. But for me. Not for him. Whoever he is. Wherever he is. It's hard to trust God with something that you really can't take too much action on. It may look like I'm complacent, but I'm still trusting God. I'm trusting for His will. I don't know what it is. If marriage and a man are His will, then that will show up.
At this point, I'm actually trying to just be friends with men. I don't know very many, but the few that I do know, I'm trying to just talk to them. And see them as human beings, not potential husbands. This in itself brings it's own frustrations because most of the men I know are not looking for a casual, off-limits-to-sex gal pal. It's hard for men and women to be friends. It's hard to ignore chemistry, because no matter what our thoughts on dating are, we feel chemistry and immediately think that if we pursue ANYTHING, romantic or otherwise with this person, it's gonna turn into something, and I don't know if I really want to be with this person like that.
WHATEVER. Ignore the chemistry! Accept it, and just live your life. Be friends. Talk, discuss, go get coffee, go to the movies, read books, whatever. Do it, and just enjoy the company of another human being. Not because you're going to get something from them, but because people need each other and it's okay to spend time with PEOPLE. I just don't care anymore. I'm not looking for a man to marry. If a man wants to marry me, then cool. Talk to my parents about it, because that's how courtship works. I'm busy living my life, and I'm done wasting time by making time to WAIT FOR YOU, WHOEVER YOU ARE. Don't be afraid to make yourself known. I'm a flexible person. But don't expect me to be sitting around for you anymore, whoever you are. I'll be up and about, reading, and sketching, and making coffee.
And that, friends, is where this quote is SPOT ON. Because you know what? I know that I'm a catch. I know that I'm interesting, and hilarious, and thoughtful, and hardworking, and I have issues, but I've accepted that I'm imperfect, and I've accepted that everyone else is too. I'm willing to love anyone, for whoever they are. I don't try and change people anymore. I don't try and make people do what I think is right. I listen, and I give advice if asked for it, and I encourage people to do the right thing because I believe in righteousness and justice. I try to love God, I try to be like Christ to the people around me, I try to be mature, and I try to grow any chance I get. I'm not afraid of myself anymore, and YES. Sometimes I fall back into insecurity, but it doesn't define me. Sometimes I do things that are just a little too weird, but it doesn't define me. What defines me is what comes out of me, and that's where I need to be continually surrendering to God and let Him make me more like Christ. I'm worth having. But I don't need a man to prove it. I don't need to prove it at all. To anyone.
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