March 11, 2013

Hello, hello, hello.

Said in a Count Olaf kind of manner because that's how it sounds in my head.

I just got home from Arizona today. I was supposed to leave on Thursday, but New England was like, "SNOW DAY, WOOOOO" and I had to wait until last night. The flight was fine, overall, I suppose. Lots of turbulence (which made a couple of women scream at first, which made me laugh in spite of myself, I thought it was exciting.) I had a lot of weird body pains, and at some point felt like I was going to vomit, which, thankfully, passed with a few deep breathes. It was weird. I felt really hot and clammy, and cold all at the same time. wasn't quite as bad as it sounds but it was uncomfortable. Sleeping was pretty much impossible. If I sleep when I travel, I have to lean my head against something, and I was in the middle seat, so unless the man next to me had offered his shoulder, there was no place for my head to go. I was really tempted to sleep on that guy's shoulder, though. He was middle aged and married, so don't think I'm trying to be weird, but he was really tall, and looked like he had comfy shoulders. I know he was tall because his left leg invaded my leg space, and our legs ended up resting against each other anyway. (Did I mention that he slept the entire flight? None of this was intentional. lol)

The things that happen when you travel. Can't predict any of it, just gotta roll with it.

SO, I'm home. This trip was the first trip that I consciously noticed homesickness. It was worse the first few days, but man. I had a nice time and all, but I was really excited to come home.

In case you didn't catch it from Facebook, I went to Arizona to visit my Grams. My parents are hoping to get out there soon. It was a major struggle for me to get out there.

If you know me on any intimate level, you know that I had a really hard time sometimes taking care of my Grandma, who had dementia. My Grams has Alzheimer's, and so the idea of going out there alone literally FREAKED me out. It wasn't as "bad" as I had expected it to be, but the personal, spiritual experience was unreal.

I have never experienced fear the way that I have when it came to this trip. Literally bound up and tied into knots with fear. Extreme, debilitating fear. It was very abnormal for me. I can be nervous about this, but typically, I trust the Lord easily, and I suck it up and go forward into whatever the situation may be. I don't know what happened. Well, I do. There was obviously a place in my heart and mind that wasn't secure, and the enemy got a foothold,and I entertained him. Invited him over for dinner.

"So, Devil, tell me more about how awful this experience is going to be. Please, I'm fascinated." I jest, but that's the only way that I could have reached the place that I did. I believed fear, instead of believing God. In the midst of fear, the Spirit would speak the truths of His Word to me, and I wanted to believe them. I knew they were true, but it was a really serious battle of the mind and spirit. I knew truth, and I wanted to believe truth but the fear was so big.

Thankfully, through the prayers of whoever prayed for me, I was suddenly...okay. I would do my devotions, and read my Bible, and everything was about service, letting the Lord use you for others, the Lord led me to the book of John to read....the message was clear, and I think the verse that stood out to me, and was a big part of my path to peace was this one:

"And He who sent Me is with Me. The Father has not left Me alone, for I always do those things that please Him." John 8:29

Granted, this is Jesus, talking about Himself, but I read it, and that was it. The One who sent me, was with me. He hadn't left me alone, and I please Him when I obey Him and do what He puts in front of me to do. My greatest fear was going there alone. I didn't want to go alone. I didn't want to be by myself. I got there, and found out that one of the sisters, living nearest, was going to be out of communication.

What did that say to me? I was alone. It didn't matter that we were visiting her other sister for the weekend, it didn't matter that an aid came twice a week. I was alone. And it freaked me out.

And it kept freaking me out until...the truth broke through. That's the only answer I have. It was nothing of myself. It was the prayer of others, and the truth. The Lord spoke to me very clearly.

It was...not a bad time. It was nice. There were two days, the first and the last, that was stressful for me. Other than that, it went smoothly. I'm thankful. I'm glad that I got to go, because the Lord spoke to me about other things, which I'm sure I'll blog about later on, and the weather was nice, and I got to spend time with my Grams. Hopefully be a light of Christ to her (she isn't a believer.)

So. That's the story. I'm so glad to be home. I would love to get a job, but I'm going to start taking steps towards my education. Let the Lord open the doors for work when He pleases. It's been an interesting year so far. It's only March. I look forward to what God has in store. I also know that I expect nothing but His perfect will. I'm home again this year. Who knows what could happen? Only God.

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