Honest.

I'm babysitting today. It's snowing (the weather gods definitely decided to make up for lost time!) The children are napping, and I have my second cup of Cafe Bustello next to me. I feel like a jornalist or something. OR at least a "real blogger."

Continuing on. A few weeks ago, as you know if you read this, I went to visit my old Bible school for a few days. They were having revival services and..well, suffice it to say, I needed revival. Between May 1st, when I got home, to February 6th, when I headed to PA, it had been a very, very long year, full of major health issues in my family, a personal trauma, no work (for half the time), facing reality of the "outside world", along with my own spiritual descent.

The Lord is faithful, though. Psalm 139 says that He sees our uprising and our sitting down. As I think about it, I'm sure that can mean the ups and down of our physical and spiritual life. Psalm 139 also says the that there is no where we can go from the Lord's presence.

So February comes, and I'm at the peak of my decline (it's a pathetic oxymoron)...It was really bad. I was literally in complete apathy about everything and okay with it, and yet deep down I knew that wasn't how it was supposed to be and I wanted out. Despite confrontations and being reminded by the Holy Spirit of truthes, I willingly diregarded it. I Soul Man had more power than my Spirit Man, so even if the "real me" WANTED to change, WANTED to listen, it was impossible. Okay, you get the picture? I was a wreck.

Okay, I'm in Pennsylvania. It's day one of the revival services and we're all doing devotions in our hotel room. I'm thinking, journaling, etc.

I ask the Lord, "God, why am I here? I 'know' why I'm here, but...what exactly do I need? I don't know what to ask you to do during these services. I guess I'll just ask to be open to whatever you want me to hear..." and I left it at that. Service starts, and after putting down my barrior to the Lord, I just melt in worship. I hadn't raised my hands in church since my graduation. Then, Pastor Tim gets up to share. Oy. Let me tell you, all the sermons were good, but Pastor Tim's messages were the perfect ones. They were just...exactly what they always are. Amazing and life changing.

His first message was about the Laodiceans and Samson. Briefly, that there's a body of Chrstians who have become apathetic because they didn't fully believe the promises of God. Neither hot nor cold. They have let the world run it's fingers through their consecration and they have strayed. Not that they're lost, but they aren't where they should be.

The call of the message was to reconsecrate ourselves and ask the Lord to remind us of His promises. As Pastor Tim was sharing, it hit me. "THIS is why I'm here." As the week progressed, the Lord told me to just relax. To just take in everything and be fed. not to stress about surrendering enough or crying enough, or singing enough. Just to be and let it soak in. So I did, believing that it would make a difference because the Spirit works if we let Him...even if we don't feel like we retained anything.

Anyway, I'm home now. The point of all this was to say how I'm in a different place now. I'm not perfect and I still don't do devotions like I should, but I'm not as heavy as I used to be. I care about things the Lord has given me to do. I want to honor Him in word and deed, not fake it. I had that desire before, but I was so far off that I never heeded the Spirit. I do, now (well, better than before.)

God is faithful to keep us. Despite our lives, which are insane by definition. He sees us in our ups and downs. He meets us where we're at and knows exactly what we need. We can't be lazy in our walk with Christ, but we can rest. We just need to know the difference between the two...sometimes we learn the hard way :P

Well, apologies for being so long winded. I write like I talk because I feel like I'm conversing with someone. Maybe because I talk to myself sometimes :)