February 26, 2012

That awkward moment when you can't think of anything clever to say.

Story of my life! I swear, I'm not socially awkward, or a complete introvert.

I'm the girl who asked a stranger for a drive across the high way on shopping day at school. I'm the girl who dressed up as a pirate for three years and didn't care what anyone thought (I actually enjoyed the attention, secretly.) I'm the girl who spins in circles using her GPS to figure out where to go in Boston. I'm the girl who will skip down the sidewalk if I feel like it. I'm the girl who made this video to Adam Stage.

So...why can't I make simple, normal conversation? What's my deal?

A wise man told me a few years ago, "Being shy is actually a form of selfishness," as I stood against a pole at youth group, watching kids play air hockey, chat, whatever. I was legitimately convicted by this, and since then, it comes back to my head and sometimes I can move out of my shell...other times I say to myself, "Yeah, I know, but...it's just hard!"

I cover this with the guise of, "Once people get to know me..." but geeeez, how the heck will anyone know how awesome I am if I make them do all the work? (Please know, the early part of that statement was said with a false ego and much humility.)

My fear is this: poor small talk and seeming uninteresting. I like knowing people. Unfortunately, I just got home from a college that makes you wear your heart on your sleeve, even to people who never talk to. Seriously, a girl in my class could see into my soul and I never talked to her.

So, I've gotten used to...quick deep friendships, I guess. That's just not how it works out here, though. I know that. Yet, somehow, I'm just...not conditioned for getting to know people like a regular person :P In college, we all were going through similar things, it was obvious, we had the same schedules, same classes, teachers, etc. So..you didn't have to ask a lot of questions to get to know people. Their life was the same as yours.

I wish I could invite everyone I want to be better friends with over for a game night and just play Apples to Apples until I know exactly who people are (that game is very insightful.)

It'll be okay. Every opportunity is a learning experience, and hopefully I don't run out of opportunities!

I also realize that I didn't come up with much of an answer for myself, but I'm famous for insightful ramblings.


  1. I swear, that video disturbed me on the deepest levels. Like, the lifelong childhood fear level, which by definition is usually reserved for one's childhood. That having been said, I understand your dilemma.

    1. Ha! I watched it recently and was just plain embarrassed. I'm pretty sure Adam wanted me dead after he saw it. It made me Matthias' hero, though. It's definitely not for the faint of heart.

  2. Apples to Apples is INDEED an insightful game...scary even.