Changes.

I make changes all the time. Usually inner changes, sometimes lifestyle changes..I enjoy change. I like setting goals for myself.

I called my friend Anna tonight. I'm terrible at calling people - like, I'm surprised I still have friends. Anyway, I was thinking today, I'm not sure what about exactly, but I thought to myself, "I haven't talked to Anna in WEEKS. I say that she's my best friend, but I NEVER talk to her. If I want to stay her best friend, I need to make a better effort to talk to her. Same thing with Allix, and anyone else that I love. I'm just lame, and I accept it. However, I made plans to talk to her, flopped when she tryed calling me, and then guess what? I CALLED HER BACK. It's a miracle! I never call people back!

I'm amazed. And then, she and I went on to talk for an hour, and it was great. Because I miss her a lot. And things she said, though she said them conversationally, were things I needed to hear.

If you read my previous post, you'd know that I feel like I'm going to be okay, and that even though life is insane, it'll work out in the end...instead of being the end. Dramatic, I know, but it's the truth. Sometimes it feels endless. Anyhow, this time around, instead of taking "feeling good" as "everything is over" and then being disappointed when things get hard again, I'm of the mindset that, "Yes, things are still hard, and sometimes it'll be a little easier, sometimes it's going to be straight up hell, but I am not a failure. I'm human, I'm growing, and the goal is to learn how to go to the Lord when I feel upset or stressed, not wallow, and feel bad for myself."

Oh, get this. So, I went to a youth group party thing tonight, and I got a little lost, and thankfully, I found the church not long after I got lost, in a torrential downpour.

On the way home, however, When I got into my car it wasn't raining, and by the time I got to the end of the street, it was raining again. Great. And it is REALLY dark. Between clouds and nighttime, it was almost impossible to see. Well, further on down the road, it was not just raining it was POURING sheets and sheets of rain. Literally could not see, and from that point on, I drove the rest of the way at 25mph. No more than 30. I also, at some point, instantly started praying. In tongues. I haven't done that since Bible college. That was a long time ago, in case you're wondering. And literally, that was the only thing keeping me from going OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG the entire ride. I was focused, I pulled over to let people pass me, I stayed safe...and if I hadn't been praying in the Spirit, I know that something bad or almost really, really bad would have happened. I mean, it was scary. I felt fear, and then I just started praying in the Spirit. I didn't think about it, I didn't plan it..it just happened. Which, aside from calming all my fears about the roads, confirmed to me that I'm not making up the language that I speak when I pray in tongues. It was the same as it has been since I paid attention to what what coming out of my mouth.

DEMENTIA IS REALLY CHALLENGING, GUYS. Please, don't ever try to understand okay? That only makes it harder because you just don't understand and it's better for you to just say you're praying for us, and actually do it. I'd say more, but that's enough. Thanks.

Anyway, moving on. Uhhhh, I don't even remember what I was talking about. This post has morphed.

A change that I'm making. Yes. I'm going to make phone calls more often. There's no reason I shouldn't be able to. I'm also going to write Joanna letters more faithfully, lol.

I love my friends. I miss being able to see them everyday. I don't like being a hermit, anymore. I want to get out of my comfort zone.

I'm also going to frequent Haverhill's indie coffee shop more. Yes, you heard it here first. Starbucks has lost it's appeal. I still like their coffee, and they're easier to hang out at because they stay open later than Wicked Big. However, I still want to frequent Wicked Big. Indie coffee houses for the win. Take me to them.

Yes, I'm a hipster at heart, if not in body. I freely admit it. I embrace it. I love mustard yellow, and want to wear straight legged pants. I've grown out of wearing Converse everyday, and want to invest in Keds, flats, and dare I say it? Moccasins. IT'S BIZARRE AND I LOVE IT.

Wow. This post is...just...I don't even know. It's crazy.

I think I'm going to be okay.

That's what was going through my head during communion at church last Sunday. I went to visit my friend Ashley last week. I got there Saturday night, and left the following Saturday morning. We went to her church on Saturday, and for the first time in months, I felt like the Lord put me directly where I needed to be, to hear exactly what I need to hear. The message was perfect. 100% on point to my life. And I felt like I truly believed, for the first time, that I'm going to turn out okay. That I'm not a complete Christian fail.

This process rarely starts and finishes immediately, but at least I have hope. I didn't, before. It was really great, because my friend Allix (who missed her bus and came a day late) has been feeling the same way I have, so being able to talk it out with someone who completely understood, in the moment, what it's like...it was relieving. We cried and prayed together, and afterwards, both of us felt different.

Bible college wasn't a complete waste of time.

Anyway, it was a really great week. So much laughing - I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. I mean, stumbling around as I walk, tears streaming from my eyes kind of laughter. Making a fool of ourselves in public places kind of laughter. (Seriously, we went out to dinner, and were seated in the midst of like, thirty empty tables. Upon leaving the place, and passing the front window, we saw that that area was full of guests. I'm convinced they heard us cracking up before they seated us and said, "Them girls cray.") That's okay.

We dressed up fancy one night, we stayed in our pajamas the next day, we drove long country roads that were filled with the smell of horse poo, we watched movies, played an obscene amount of Phase 10, and sang along really loud to the radio. We made failed, but tasty, gluten free pizza and brownies (the pizza dough had too much water, and the brownies were short one egg.) Ashley and I pointed out and giggled over any cute man that we saw who didn't wear a wedding ring. We did face masks. We taunted Ashley's dog. We drank a lot of coffee.

It was so great. Now, Allix is stuck there because of the storm. I'm home. I like being home, but I still wish I could be there.

We're so flipping gorgeous.

Today, tomorrow, the next day...

Today was my least favorite. Bad, bad, bad. I cannot fix myself, and frankly, I feel like God is just watching me from the sidelines, telling me I'll be fine eventually, not with me in the midst of the battle, where He said He would be.

I know that's not true, but it's how I feel, regardless.

I'm thankful for being able to talk to Zack, who has, since day one, been the long-suffering other half of our non-judgmental, unafraid-to-speak-the-truth, ears-open-to-complaints-and-rants friendship (that I'm amazed still exists, because if I was him, I think I would have ditched me a long time ago.)

Also today, or tonight, rather. I made some gluten free pizza. Making your own pizza is actually pretty fun. And tasty.

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Tomorrow, I am hoping to go for a run. I have a workout in the afternoon with the cute trainer who forgot my name. OH WELL. I'll convince myself he's too short.

Tomorrow, I'm also going to be packing for my trip to see Allix and Ashley! Hooray for friends! I'm reallyreallyreally looking forward to seeing their faces, and hugging their torsos.

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The next day, I'm heading into Boston to head to New York. I love Boston. There's a part of me that wants to go early and walk around the area. The only thing making me change my mind is dragging around a suitcase :P It's not really fun to do that at all.

And, well, that's all. Maybe sometime I'll get an inspiration for a post that changes lives. Not today.

You know...

What irritates me are people who aggravate others for fun, have huge egos, are prone to pointless debates, and then think that the person they have been harassing is going to chat with them willy nilly.

Um, no. I'm going to be on the defense, and not want to talk to you at all. Go away. I'm incredibly tired for now of people who are so insecure that they have to have the last word, no matter how obnoxious they have to be to get it.

So, fine. You can even have the first word, which will be your last, because I'm not in the mood to respond to you.

"Family Person."

Last summer, I was on the verge of letting myself become a part of a relationship that would have been a huge mistake. Not because he's a terrible guy or anything, but he's just...so clearly not my other half that I was literally being a fool. It's not an experience I enjoy talking about too much, because it was really so silly, but...hey, we live.

Anyway, I bring this guy up because in the midst of our many conversations, he told me very often that I was a "family person." And then he'd chuckle in that odd chuckle he has, because he liked me a lot.

Well, until recently, I never really saw myself as a family person. I've never hated my family, I've always loved them (I'm talking about my parents. I love the rest of my family too, but you know what I mean.) I just never saw myself being like some people who were REALLY family people. Like, talked about them all the time, wanted to leave Bible college because they missed them so much, etc. I was never one to get homesick when I went away for long periods of time, that kind of thing.

Until this past year. I've been thinking about it a lot, actually. I think I really am a family person. I mean, maybe I'm just more mature, but not very long ago, I probably wouldn't choose going for a drive with my parents. Nothing personal, seriously, just...residual high school "parents are weird," or something. I dunno. Didn't like shopping for fun with my mom, blah blah. It makes me sound horrible, but I promise it's not like that.

However. Within the past year, especially the past several months, I have come to really love spending time with my parents. My mom and I have gone to the movies together twice in the past 4 months - it was so much fun! I'll sit with my dad in bed and watch Wimp videos with him on his phone. It's just fun. I enjoy grocery shopping with my mom, and doing errands with my dad. I enjoy clothes shopping with my mother! I used to NOT like that at all. Maybe because of my own insecurities, and also because I wanted to wear "cool" clothes and I didn't like her style choices at all, and I was afraid to say I didn't like things she would point out.

Now, my style tastes have matured and slowly but surely I'm coming to love all the things she wished I would wear when I was 14. I just wasn't ready. And I'm not afraid to tell her that I don't like things. For example, old lady floral prints. Yeah, they're pretty, and some girls my age and pull them off, but I am just not there, yet. Give me a few more years.

Does this make sense? Like, when I go away now, I actually miss my parents. I look forward to coming home and hanging out with them.

The point of this isn't really much. It's just what I've been thinking about, and I like it.

In other news, this day has been non-stop. We made a bunch of gluten-free stuff last night. I enjoyed most of it with no issue, my parents have mixed feelings.

I've also been thinking about hate. There are some people that I say I hate, and I think that I sincerely mean it, but I realized yesterday that it's not true. I just really, really, really, really dislike those people and don't care if I ever see or talk to them again. Literally. However, I have seen people actually hate, and it's shockingly pitiful. It takes a LOT of work to sincerely hate people. I'm way too lazy for that. I'm willing to call a true once in a while, but some people are hardcore, legit haters. It's impressive, as well as weird, as well as just too bad for them.

Hmm, my mind. Maybe this is why I don't get chatty right away with people. Because my head thinks about things that are not conducive to normal conversation. I mean, I'm talking about being impressed by people's capacity to hate and to stick with it for so long.

I'm weird. That's okay. Someone will love me for it, someday.

To my own surprise, I knew all the lyrics to every Emery song on The Question.

I guess I listened to it in high school more than I realized. And with my almost-post-cold voice, I sounded like one of the band members. You could hardly tell that I was singing along. (Exaggeration, exaggeration, exaggeration....)

Anyhow, yesterday, I drove to Keene, NH to visit Alex, one of my oldest friends. We met at a summer camp when I was 11 and she was 12 (I believe.) I think that's right because she went to the older camp the next summer. Of the friends that I keep consistent contact with, she's the oldest. Ten years! I'm impressed, anyway. Well, like I said, we met at summer camp, and we connected because we both loved dc Talk and Veggie Tales. After the week, she was Archibald the Asparagus, and I was Larry-Boy. I called her Archie for short, and also for years. I think I stopped calling her Archie after we got settled into college.

Over the years, because she lived pretty far away, and because she was super busy (public schoolers! They have no time on their hands! ;) we only got to see each other once or twice a year. Usually my birthday, or in the summer at this fair her town had (has?) every year called a Balloon Rally. It's basically a fair and they launch off hot air balloons. We usually made our visits last a weekend, and we always had lots of fun. Obviously, as time goes on, you get older, and busier, but we've still managed to see each other in real life about once a year. It's less than we'd like, but hey...it's better than not at all! Before yesterday, the last time I had seen her was when I was in her wedding last year :)

We are "adorbs."

Unfortunately, I didn't get a picture of us yesterday because my phone died, and stayed dead for basically the rest of the day. It was a great day, regardless.

I drove a nice, long back road that was surrounded by beautiful Fall trees. We walked around Keene, and chatted, and ate some incredible fries, and I bought some Christmas gifts! Yayyyyy. When we went back to her house (which is officially my favorite,) we watched While You Were Sleeping, and that was a major boost to my sleepy system. I LOVE that movie.

I also bought the book Roots, which I WAS excited about, and then my mom told me that it was discredited because the author lied about his family history. I should have bought the Van Gogh book, instead. DANGIT.

Now, I'm eating spicy hummus, which is clearing my sinuses quite effectively.

Also in this week, my parents and I are trying to go "Gluten-Free", or basically just wheat free. I didn't abide by that yesterday, but I don't care. So far it's been pretty good, I think.

Mmmmm......OH! INCREDIBLE NEWS. The car that was given to me? It's finally all done! It passed inspection and everything! Yay for a car!

Sad news, the cute trainer at the gym forgot my name. That was pretty crushing. I guess that means I'm available, again. I really thought he and I might have had something. I was a fool.

Sorry to end on such a low note, but....sometimes life is sad. :P

Man...I'm really starting to feel the spice in this spicy hummus. I get it chili pepper, you're hot.

Dementia is not my favorite.

I'm currently home alone with my grandmother, who has dementia. I think it's wrong to treat this like it's a secret, or some hidden family shame...people get dementia. It's a legitimate illness, and taking care of people with dementia is hard, like it is right now. Home, alone with her. When things are challenging, it helps to talk about it.

I know some people are going to get upset, but you know, my grandmother having dementia doesn't take away from all that she's done. It's kind of changed her these days, but ultimately she's got the same quirks that she's had my whole life. Obsessed with her room being clean, determined to do things that she wants to do, drinks coffee all day. She's still my grandma, but she has dementia. It's a mental illness, but it doesn't mean she's whacked out of her mind. It means her mind is getting old, but faster than normal.

And, taking care of her is hard. She has intense mood swings that are difficult to keep up with. Her general short-term memory is now VERY short---and repeating the same thing over, and over, and over, and over again, and then about ten more times, can make someone a little crazy after a while. She gets nervous easily, and is often anxious for mom to get home, whenever mom goes out.

However, by the time I'm writing this sentence, she's calmed down a bit. She's not as wound up and anxious as she was before. I think she's reading her Bible.

If that's not proof of God, and how His Word is inspired, I don't know what is. She always gets calm when she settles into reading the Bible. That's how the Holy Spirit works. He brings peace even when the mind fails, because God isn't something we comprehend with our mind. Since her dementia had been officially diagnosed, and has progressed, the one thing that stayed the same was God. Sometimes, she needs help understanding what she's read in the Bible, and sometimes she gets a little dramatic about how souls need to be saved, but she's the most lucid when she is reading the Bible and has her mind on Christ.

I mean, how amazing is that? That when everything else is failing...her mind, her body in general...when she reads the Bible, and enters in with Jesus---not in some super spiritual, ceremonial way, just reading the Bible, even if she doesn't understand it all---there comes a peace. A peace that she can't bring for herself. It's peace that only Christ gives us, when we allow Him to cover us.

It's pretty amazing, really. When the mind fails, Christ still works, because it's not about our mind. It's about His Spirit.

MANLY.

So, I just had a small comment dialogue with someone on Facebook about how men have been dumbed down to think that they don't need to pursue women.

I just need to tirade for a little bit, okay?

IT'S NOT OKAY. There might be other fish in the sea, but that doesn't mean you need to keep casting in your line! Geeeeez. Yes, wait for the right one. Keep yourself from tampering with what isn't yours (aka stop casually dating.) And if you think you're in love with someone, FREAKING PROPOSE ALL READY. Every time I see someone get engaged on Facebook, I'm like, "Good for you, man." Literally, The Man. It takes guts to make that kind of commitment. Even if I don't like the guy, he gains major respect from me because he chose to get married instead of being a loser.

So what if she says no? That's the whole point of being a grown-up. At least neither of you are waiting on the other anymore. You can know for sure that she's not the one, or whatever.

All I'm saying is if I knew or had a feeling that a man was in love with me, and he took his sweet time expressing it and seriously acting on it, I would totally write him off. He doesn't deserve anymore of my time. It's straight up rude to let a girl think you love her by just sticking around, because you're too lazy to commit to anyone.

STOP BEING A WUSS MAN. BE A MAN. And heck, who cares if you can't get some ginormous diamond ring, blah blahdy blah. It's called true love, people. If she really loves you, it won't matter. I know I don't care. I mean, rings are pretty and stuff, but just knowing that a man loves me enough to spend the rest of his life with me? That's legit. I'll take that over jewelry any day.

And, trust me guys. The girl that you think is incredible? There is literally no one else like her, so if she is what you think is the definition of amazing, you better get busy. Cuz she's got a life to live, and unless you do what you can to be a part of it, you're gonna get lost in the dust of her independence. Women are only so independent, because men aren't being dependable. A way to be dependable is by COMMITTING. By GETTING MARRIED. Not dating for years and years. You're willing to date someone for two years, but not be willing to marry them? You have a problem. You don't marry someone that you date for a week. A month. But, two years? You've most likely seen enough of this person to see the good and the bad, so......why stay with them, if you aren't going to marry them?

It's flipping selfish, and ridiculous. Real men get married, little boys date for years---thinking they'll find something better. You're won't. Because you'd KNOW if she was wrong for you. You would know that she's wrong for you, and you would get out of that relationship. This is why casual dating is whack. Why waste your time AND someone else's time, when you aren't going to marry them? It's only making both of your lives harder! What if you're dating someone and the woman you're really supposed to marry is right over there? And, the man she's supposed to marry is right over there? And, you two are slowing everyone down by dating each other, when you aren't even meant to be!

WRONG. God can tell you who the right one is. It's called peace that passes all understanding. There is NO check in your spirit, NO feeling of, "Well, I guess she's good enough. I dunno."

MEN SHOULD BE MEN. And until then, women should do their thing, not waste their time sitting around doing nothing. Learn how to be a homemaker. Get an education. Volunteer. Work. Save money. Learn how to fix things. Become a good cook. It's just good to know this stuff. Do what you love. Travel. Show men what they're missing out on by being sticks in the mud who are afraid of commitment.

Cuz let's be real. Again. Money doesn't HAVE to be an issue. I know men are like, "Urr, I'm a man, must be able to have house. Have food. Urr." Yeah, okay, but if you spend ALL your time getting ready to prepare for a family, the chance to have a family is going to pass you by. That's something that you do as a couple. You're partners in life. Prepare for a family together.

And, I think that's all I have to say for now.

Hurray!

Today has been pretty great. I've been talking a little more recently about my weight. Not much, but more than is common for me. So, if you've paid attention to any of my social media, you'll know that I've been doing an extra mini-workout type thing (which I haven't actually done in a couple day,) I've started running, and ultimately I've been trying to make better choices for my health.

Well, despite pitfalls, fluctuating numbers, and thinking that I'm never going to lose weight, today, it's all paid off and I'm really, really happy. The gym I work/workout at typically weighs in their clients every other week. I'm not a paying client, so I've kind of gotten away with not doing that. Well, I've avoided weighing in because every time I think I'm doing okay, I weigh in at the wrong time of day or..simply have made no progress. Today, I planned ahead of time. I wasn't completely sure that I would go through with it, but I didn't eat a big breakfast, I weighed in at home to have a rough idea, etc.

Then, after my workout, I made up my mind. Dan writes in my numbers, does the math, and says "You're down three pounds! All fat." I'm like, Whaaaaa...??? I practically jumped up and down. So, he and Billy were happy for me, and Billy knows I've been having a hard time (love that guy.)

So, motivated and encouraged are my two key words for the day. I'm really excited.

Also exciting, Sam and I are going to visit a Young Adult group tonight! I've been wanting to go for about a month, but the car situation isn't fixed yet, and dad usually goes to NBF on Tuesday nights. But tonight, he has a cold.

So, Sam and I are going. Yay!

It's been a good day. It would be off the chain if CBD called me telling me I'm hired. I don't think I could handle it.

No title ideas.

I watched a little bit of the movie I.Q. this evening. Meg Ryan, Stephen Fry, Walter Matthau, and that guy Susan Sarandon used to date. Tim something. I've seen it before, and it's not my favorite chick flick, but I can relate to it a bit. Only, I'm Tim something. Bleh. Maybe a mix of Meg Ryan and Tim something.

Anyway. Today has been...mmm, ultimately good, I guess. Started out okay..got up early enough, penciled myself in for the gym, had a good breakfast. Then...gas was a million dollars. And I had an empty tank. And I had seven dollars, but didn't know that until later today. I told the guy to put in eight dollars, and he does, and then he swipes my card and is like, "You're poor." Well, he didn't say that, exactly.

I pulled away from the pump and called my folks for money. While I waited, I had a minor breakdown, and told the Lord, again, that I really need a job. If I had a job, this most likely would not have happened. So I cried a little, and watched the clock tick away to me being late for my commitment.

That all got resolved, and I went on with my day. It proceeded to get better, kind of. My coffee was weird, but not too bad. The cute bank teller was still cute, but I think he's probably 18. I bought quinoa to try. I also got stuff for an Autumn display on our front step. It's really cute. I got home and made a good lunch. A part of which was a green smoothie, which I made with no recipe, and it turned out kind of wonky. I drank it anyway. I cleaned the kitchen. Then, I went for a run.

Now, my runs are definitely jogs, but I call then runs anyway, because I'm definitely not walking. My goal has been to hit two miles with no stops. NAILED IT. From there, I felt pretty great. I felt so good that I treated myself to a DIY salad from the grocery store for dinner (I LOVE THEM.)

I wrote up a thing for the NBF Cookie Campaign, and now I'm blogging. This day has ended on a high note, for sure.

I'm going to bed soon, working at the gym at 9, and working out at 11. All good in the hood.

OH! On my way home earlier in the day, I got REALLY excited about seeing Allix and Ashley this month! It's going to be so much fun! :D