April 26, 2014

"So faithfully and dutifully I award you with betrayal."

I'm a hot mess these days. (SPOILER ALERT: I'm actually on the 'road to recovery,' as it were, but the hot mess status still applies.)

The past few weeks have been especially challenging, and telling. I don't really know how to describe it all. The moral of the story? Ended up with my back completely turned away from God, and living completely apathetic to spirituality. Went to church, sometimes. Understood truth. Still capable of being judgmental about other people's spirituality.

There's a balance between being loving and non-judgmental, and still standing by your actual beliefs, but I don't know how to find it anymore. It's that kind of mindset that leads to compromise and apathy, as I am a living example of. I haven't been running around like a crazy person, but that isn't definitive of turning your back on God. I will say that all personal filters were off. Language, media, rationality, etc. Ended up being exceptionally paranoid about everything, getting quickly defensive, and feeling like a hypocrite always.

Thankfully, I have a godly mother who is able and willing to confront me about these things.

 I don't really know what else to say about it all, except that I apologize for being a hypocrite. Me not having a relationship with God affects those around me, and I'm sorry for inadvertently hurting those that I care about.

On a lighter note, I bought tickets to Anberlin's final show in Boston. I'm sad that they're disbanding, but it's better to disband than to just become awful. Like the Newsboys, or Audio Adrenaline (you know I'll love Kevin Max until I die, but come on.)

I'm starting a second job at the Wicked Big Cafe this week. Officially on Thursdays, but that will probably extend into Fridays. Moe asked me if I wanted to work a couple days there, emphasizing his need for a Sunday person, but I figured that if I wanted to at least try and keep being a form of a Christian, I should still not work on Sundays. But I said I could do Thursdays and Fridays, with an adjustment to my availability. He said he would call me, but didn't, and I decided to call him back about it. And he gave me Thursdays. I hope that I'll do well. I feel much more comfortable and confident in the environment than I did when I was first there.

My trip to Colorado is coming up soon. I can't wait to see Anna!

I'm really hoping to get up the nerve to cut my hair off. It will be a surprise.

That's all. Work is interesting these days.

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