I am full of good intentions, and I know the right way to do things, but my actions - they are far too often separate from my knowledge. I can't get away with doing wrong in the name of "I know what the right thing was."
I did wrong by someone. Someone I do not like, who I don't think deserves the time of day. They don't deserve anything, except a lonely cave, far away from humanity. When you get down to it, I treated them that way. I know better. At the time, I knew better, and even said so. I said all kinds of things that somehow put of this wall of faux-righteousness and justification about my actions...yet what I did..shut them out, and turn them away - THOUGH THIS WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO PRACTICALLY - because unhealthy relationships with people are just that: unhealthy. It's okay to cut off unhealthy relationships, but it has to be done the right way. As a Christian, it has to be done in a godly way. I did neither.
What makes this worse? Maybe the fact that this person already sees Christians in a bad light. They already see Christians as ignorant, hypocritical people...and I, the person who tries so hard to prove I'm not like "them"...acted just like "them."
It pains me. I regret putting my emotions before this person's eternity. I failed. I was wrong. I fulfilled a stereotype. When I had the chance to be Christ-like to a person who so desperately needed it, I was nothing but a familiar enemy. Maybe I failed because it was hard. Because it was a challenge that I faced with my mind, rather than my spirit, and that's why I failed.
The good news is this: I can begin again. Whether I'll have the opportunity to apologize to this person is unknown, but I do have the opportunity to pray for them. As Christians, our job is to love, and be kind to everyone - not just people who deserve it, or people who are having a rough go of it. Anyone. Even the people who run us the wrong way, the people who are disliked by everyone, the people who put up walls in the name of intelligence and independence. Everyone is hurting, and everyone has a reason to hurt. That's why everyone needs someone to love them. Not be an emotional garbage can, or a mat to rub their dirty feet on, but someone to say, "I see you, and I want you to know peace. I want you to know that you don't have to do this alone. You think you do, but you're wrong. Whatever it is you think is true about God is false, and He is not like me. He loves you in a perfect way that you can't even fathom.Just try one more time to trust..but this time, trust the perfect God, not His imperfect earthly vessel."
I'm supposed to represent who God is, but I fall, and thankfully God's character and reputation still stands despite my inability to "walk the walk."
My title stems from a reminder from God today about who He has called me to be. I've known for a long time, the desire has been in my heart. Since Bible college even, I've known what He has called me to be. It used to scare me. I wanted it, but then I didn't, because the idea petrified me.
I'm not scared anymore. It's still kind of looming, but God has brought me past that initial barrier of fear. If anything, it's just laziness now that's keeping me from moving forward. But that's on me.