The spiritual struggle.

Sherlock, the current BBC rendition of him, has a mind palace. The original character may as well, but I've only read a handful of short stories. It's where he goes in his head to figure stuff out. He organizes, calculates, and solves problems there.

My problem is that I have mind space. It just gets cluttered with thoughts, and feelings. Nothing gets solved there, it just gets turned over and looked at a different way, and then put back down.

I struggle. I'm struggling from anything ranging from my walk with the Lord, to wishing I could exact justice where I feel there has been nothing done, to unintentionally belittling manhoods.

If you're a man, and you think you've been personally belittled by me, it's not because I don't think you're manly enough to fix your own problems. I just see you as a person, because I'm kind of a feminist. A human being with problems that need to fixed, should have someone do what they can to fix them. That's all. I want people to be happy, and I want people to do the right thing, and I want people to be respected as human beings, because that's how it should be.

But it doesn't happen, and it's incredibly frustrating.

The issues with my walk with God are a tangled web of things that I'm only now beginning to understand. Some lyrics from dc Talk's "What If I Stumble" may shine a light on where I'm at:

This opening quotation made a big impact on me, and how I saw Christianity. It wouldn't be an understatement to say that these words are the standard that I've held over for myself as a Christian, and it has always been my heart's desire to NOT be a part of "the greatest single cause of atheism."

"The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today
Is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips
Then walk out the door and deny him by their lifestyle.
That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable."

This opening quotation made a big impact on me, and how I saw Christianity. It wouldn't be an understatement to say that these words are the standard that I've held over for myself as a Christian, and it has always been my heart's desire to NOT be a part of "the greatest single cause of atheism."

Father please forgive me for I can not compose
The fear that lives within me
Or the rate at which it grows
If struggle has a purpose on the narrow road you've carved
Why do I dread my trespasses will leave a deadly scar
Do they see the fear in my eyes? Are they so revealing?
This time I cannot disguise all the doubt I'm feeling

These words are where I'm at right now."If struggle has a purpose on this narrow road you've carved, why do I dread my trespasses will leave a deadly scar?" Though I know that blessing and peace come with having a strong, and healthy walk with the Lord, I'm afraid of the affiliated pain. I haven't even gone through as much as other people, but all of our individual challenges are not belittled because someone else has had it worse. "This time I cannot disguise all the doubt I'm feeling." The truth is in there, but I'm walking through doubt right now.

What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?
Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble, and what if I fall?

"What if I lose my step and make fools of us all?" It's pride to think that the image of the church is resting on my shoulders, but I still play my part. I still represent Christ to other people. If I fail, what then? What good is what people previously saw of me when what I represent NOW is what matters?

These are my thoughts. I'm working through this. It's hard. Things are changing, little by little, but this is just the facts of where I'm at. I know that the word on the street is you can change in an instant, but it simply isn't always true.