Things!

Our laptop is incredibly sensitive. The trackpad is like...HEY GUYS, GONNA DO WHATEVER I WANT KAY???????? And it's like..."oh...oh, okay..please stop...no, why? Please?"

It's bad. But at least we have a computer.

So, something is happening. It's really exciting. I haven't heard back any kind of confirmation from my Contact, so I won't say anything yet, buuuuuuuut.......

Let's just say it's pretty exciting, and it involves big changes. I think it's totally the right choice for me, and I believe that it's an open door from the Lord (though it seems too good to be true...but that's my skewed view of God, really. He doesn't ALWAYS want us to do things we think we're going to hate or whatever.)

I have told a handful of people here about it, but telling people that "I might be doing this," in real life is a bit more private than telling the internet, "I'M GONNA DO THIS." I'm still kind of in that, "Am I making this up?" phase of thinking. But, I don't think I am. I'm pretty sure it's real, and I'm pretty sure that last night both of my parents gave me their support, and I'm pretty sure that when I've been praying about it, the Lord hasn't put a check in my heart about it...not a real one, anyone. I mean, there's a difference between self doubt, and a spiritual check in your heart that something is wrong.

There's literally nothing wrong with this decision. It makes all kinds of crazy sense, which makes me think it's actually nonsense.

And it's like, it's a BIG DEAL for me. I talk about doing stuff like this, but it never actually presents itself as a real life opportunity. Just me thinking about how neat it would be if...

So, that's what's going on. I'm waiting for a solid confirmation from SOMEONE HINT HINT TEXT ME BACK. Just because I'm a little obsessive and like to know that things are settled.

I think that's it. Pirate Day was a success. The other day, I had to wait a million hours for my coffee at Starbucks, so I got a certificate for a free drink. It's sitting in my car until further notice. I bought some moccasin slippers yesterday from Target. I have literally been waiting so many months for them to go on clearance, and finally, yesterday, there they were. It was thrilling. And worth it. I came so close, so many times, to just blowing twenty bucks on them, but I know they aren't worth that much. Thirteen was much more feasible. If I had been even more patient, I probably could have gotten them cheaper, but I'm not.

My mom and I are going to see Lincoln tomorrow, with Priscilla and her mom. Should be a good time. I've heard nothing but god things about the movie. The man's method of acting seems incredibly legit, and I'm excited to watch it. I also adore Sally Field. Love her all kinds of lots.

I think that's about it. Hopefully I get what I'm waiting for to feel peace of mind about declaring this all over the interwebs SOON. Because I'm excited. And nervous. And doubting. And yet not doubting at all. But that's normal when you're about to do something this big, right?

I mean, I never thought that I would REALLY ever do something like this. That it would just be something I talked about and dreamed about doing. That's one way of knowing that this has to be the Lord because it's quite literally a dream come true. So, yeah.

And if you're any amount of observant, you might be able to figure out what I'm doing. I feel like I'm practically giving it away. lol

EDIT: Story time. So, last month, about a week before my Grandma passed away, I wrote to the yogurt company, Chobani, and thanked them for their product because it was really all my grandma could eat at that point. They wrote me back, about two or three days before she passed, and said that they were sorry to hear that she was sick, and that they were going to send us a box of vanilla yogurt (the flavor that she could take because it didn't have any fruit pieces in it.)

Well, we received that shipment a few days ago. Of course, it was a little sad, but just the fact that they did it was so genuinely kind.

Today, I got another email from them. The lady who wrote said that she came across my previous email, and wanted to reach out to me. She said that they wanted to send us some of their new products, etc for us to enjoy. I wrote her back, explaining that my grandma had passed away, so I didn't want them to feel obligated to do it.

She just wrote again, sending her condolences, and they're going to send us yogurt anyway.

I mean, who does that? Who, in a big corporate company opens up an old email and says, "Hey, let's send this family more free stuff!" What? Who does that? I'm literally amazed by their kindness.

NON-CONFORMIST.

I've been thinking about my dream to have my own coffee shop.

When I tell people about it, I kind of preface myself with, "I know it's crazy..." but then I've encountered a few things within the past couple days that have made me think otherwise. One of them is this:

This is a man. A man who designs shoes. A man who sincerely believes in the importance of elegant footwear. He has a signature for each pair (they're red on the bottom. I only caught onto this because of Pinterest.)

I mean, who am I to know what beautiful shoes are? I have no clue. But this guy does. At some point, this man said, "Dangit, I'm going to design shoes, and they're going to be bloody fabulous, whether people buy them or not."

And now he's a freaking shoe mogul or something.

And then, there are these men who started a coffee roasting company, Handsome Coffee Roasters.

Under each of their personal stories, there are a series of questions. One of the questions is "Why coffee?" One of the men answer with: "Because I (REALLY) love it."

And so these guys roast and make coffee for a living. Someone had to. They're doing it because they love it, and are committed to making some freaking awesome coffee (well, they say it's that good. I've never had it.)

So, I think to myself, "WHY exactly is it so far off for me to want to have my own business, birthed out of a love for coffee, where my goal is to give people a chance to sit, relax, and enjoy a cup of joe?"

Fact is, it's not. I could probably run it out of my house, if I had to (that is, if I ever had my own place.)

I mean, WHY NOT? Why do I feel like I'm somehow degrading my life's worth by saying, "I love coffee, and my career goal is to make coffee for people."

Who says that I HAVE to "sit in a booth, like a veal"? Why? There is absolutely no logical reason for it. I don't have the education to get me any kind of "well-paying" job, I don't have the experience to get an kind of "normal" job..why? Why do I torment myself?

WHY? Why CAN'T I force myself to wait two weeks and pay off that last $45 to Mt. Zion? Why can't I, after that, sign up for Mass Grants, and get my Associates in Business? Why then, after THAT, can't I just make myself a coffee shop? Somewhere. Anywhere. Make a deal to borrow space from someone? I can totally DO that. If I can get myself a free gym membership in exchange for no more than eight hours of work in an entire week, and KEEP IT for over a year so far, why can't I cut a deal with someone for cafe space? Just start with a coffee pot. Make some different syrups for variety. Use all those gajillion mugs that I have collected, and charge a buck?

WHY CAN'T I JUST DO WHAT I LOVE? *frustrated artist sigh*

So, that's what's on my mind.

Disappointment.

Today was an annoying day.

I woke up early to go babysit in Amesbury. I pull in right on time, and see no cars...what? Did I miss the memo? Since when do homeschoolers care about MLK Day? I try calling the leader, her phone is down. I leave, and come home. Annoyed, and disappointed. This babysitting gig is my one source of income - thirty dollars. When I was originally offered the job, I almost said no because I thought I was going to be working at CBD. Obviously that fell through, and I'm thankful for what I can get.

I go out to run errands with dad, and I'm worried that I'm going to be late for my hair appointment.  I was annoyed. I got to the salon, and find out that I'm scheduled for NEXT Monday. Okay..

So, I mean, I know that other people are off way worse than I am, but it's just been a genuinely annoying day. Nothing very exciting happened, I have eight dollars to my name, and with all the wasted driving, my gas tank is just getting lower and lower.

I know it could be worse, and I'm sorry for complaining. It's just disappointing. It's disappointing to keep bumping into closed doors, and being left hanging with job applications. No one is hiring. I know that the Lord will open a door when it's the right time, but in the spirit of being proactive, it's just a lot of rejection. I know that I don't have anything to offer. I know that I DO have things to offer, but let's face it, in the real world it doesn't matter.

Last week, I was talking with one of the moms at the homeschool group I babysit for. I was like, "You hear about problems in the country, but for me, I never think that any of it will really reach me...it's a big country, you know? I'm a really small part of America." And yet, I'm one of those young people that they talk about on the news. Someone who went to college, came home anticipating work, and getting nothing and nowhere.

I don't know..it's just one of those things that you can't connect with until you're forced to. Like people having sex before they get married. "No one REALLY does that......no, actually, almost everyone does."Or, "I'm sure that it's scary to know someone who has cancer. Oh..my mom has cancer? Wait.." Like, you hear about it happening with everyone else, but forget that the world is really small, and it's going to affect you too.

Anyway. So, I'm a little down today. Feeling like I don't want to get out of bed in the morning and sleep away my problems. Unfortunately, I have an early, and busy day tomorrow. I won't be able to sleep away the world until Thursday.

Well, that's all I guess.