Clarity.

I've posted about this a couple of times on Facebook, but my personal truths and revelations become official here.

A little while ago, I talked about having some options open to me and that I, essentially, had no idea what to do but I was excited.

Option One: Go to Zion Bible College and get my degree.
A few weeks ago, I got an email from ZBC about Zion Experience. On a whim of wanting to move on with my llfe, I said, "Heck to it! I'll go. Why not? I have no reason not to." So I signed up. I told some people, thought about how it would nice to go to college again, have something to do, etc. Then, one day, I said, "Well, yeah..I guess I'm going." I resigned to it. Not psyched, not depressed. Just...neutral. At least it'll be something to do.

Enter in Option Two: Join the Covenant Players.
The day after I decided Zion was my future, we visited our old church and saw the Covenant Players perform (in short, a full time traveling theatre ministry. Missionaries, really.) Before I went to Mt. Zion, I told the team that I wanted to join after I graduated. Over the years I thought about it once in a while, etc. On and off. SO fast forward to after the service. My mom looks at me and says, "You should do this." I say, "I think maybe I should..." Talk to Richard, talk to Sharon, and by the time we're heading home I've been interviewed and will be receiving an application the mail.

Okay...now what? Enter confusion and indecision (it's like a wack version of Pilgrim's Progress.) Should I go to Zion? Should I join CP? Both have pros and cons. Which one, which one, which one? Zion Experience is closely approaching, and I have my application to CP.

In short, I did not enjoy Zion Experience and the school is not where the Lord wants me right now. I don't know that He'll ever want me there, but if He does, He'll make it clear. From beginning to end of my time at ZBC, I was miserable. I didn't want to go in. I didn't want to go into my room. I wanted to go home. I was on the verge of tears before getting out of the car. But I went in. I registered, etc. But all I could think was, "Am I allowed to go off campus? I don't think I'll go to any meals. I don't want to get to know anybody." But I wanted to try. I was very conflicted inside. I WANTED to enjoy myself but everything in me was like, "Just get through it without making any eye contact." NOT GOOD.

I called my mom to tell her about the night, and she offered to come get me. I was reluctant until the end of the phone call. I realized that I couldn't lie my way through the application...God wasn't calling me there. I would go for strictly academic reasons, but it's not an option, unless I put on a face and get my degree being someone other than Hannah. I decided it wasn't fair to waste their time and money, nor mine. I made the decision to leave and that ZBC was not my future and let me tell you...I was so happy. Instantly.

I could be friendly to people that I walked by, I could smile genuinely, I could be happy about life again. I know it sounds dramatic, but it's all legitimate. I am not exaggerating. I told the Lord that I would need to have a really clear word that this was His will and...I got the opposite. And man.

There is PEACE in the will of God. Not distress. Nerves, maybe. But not distress. Not what I was feeling Thursday night. Verses like Jeremiah 29:11 become reality when things like that happen. All I could think was that I was at peace. And the bible says that that's what the Lord wants for us. Peace. It's not a cliche or pie in the sky promise. It's real, in my heart. Again, maybe. It's never bad to be reminded of Truth's reality.

So now, I'm waiting to hear from God about Covenant Players. I don't want to fake it on that application either. My honest reasons to join are not what they would want (not that they're evil or anything), and it isn't fair to anyone to be a facade.

But I'm not 100% sure yet. We'll see. After the loud clarity from God on Thursday, I know He will do the same concerning Covenant Players.

And from there? Well, I guess I'll keep waiting for the right thing to come along.