Clarity.

I've posted about this a couple of times on Facebook, but my personal truths and revelations become official here.

A little while ago, I talked about having some options open to me and that I, essentially, had no idea what to do but I was excited.

Option One: Go to Zion Bible College and get my degree.
A few weeks ago, I got an email from ZBC about Zion Experience. On a whim of wanting to move on with my llfe, I said, "Heck to it! I'll go. Why not? I have no reason not to." So I signed up. I told some people, thought about how it would nice to go to college again, have something to do, etc. Then, one day, I said, "Well, yeah..I guess I'm going." I resigned to it. Not psyched, not depressed. Just...neutral. At least it'll be something to do.

Enter in Option Two: Join the Covenant Players.
The day after I decided Zion was my future, we visited our old church and saw the Covenant Players perform (in short, a full time traveling theatre ministry. Missionaries, really.) Before I went to Mt. Zion, I told the team that I wanted to join after I graduated. Over the years I thought about it once in a while, etc. On and off. SO fast forward to after the service. My mom looks at me and says, "You should do this." I say, "I think maybe I should..." Talk to Richard, talk to Sharon, and by the time we're heading home I've been interviewed and will be receiving an application the mail.

Okay...now what? Enter confusion and indecision (it's like a wack version of Pilgrim's Progress.) Should I go to Zion? Should I join CP? Both have pros and cons. Which one, which one, which one? Zion Experience is closely approaching, and I have my application to CP.

In short, I did not enjoy Zion Experience and the school is not where the Lord wants me right now. I don't know that He'll ever want me there, but if He does, He'll make it clear. From beginning to end of my time at ZBC, I was miserable. I didn't want to go in. I didn't want to go into my room. I wanted to go home. I was on the verge of tears before getting out of the car. But I went in. I registered, etc. But all I could think was, "Am I allowed to go off campus? I don't think I'll go to any meals. I don't want to get to know anybody." But I wanted to try. I was very conflicted inside. I WANTED to enjoy myself but everything in me was like, "Just get through it without making any eye contact." NOT GOOD.

I called my mom to tell her about the night, and she offered to come get me. I was reluctant until the end of the phone call. I realized that I couldn't lie my way through the application...God wasn't calling me there. I would go for strictly academic reasons, but it's not an option, unless I put on a face and get my degree being someone other than Hannah. I decided it wasn't fair to waste their time and money, nor mine. I made the decision to leave and that ZBC was not my future and let me tell you...I was so happy. Instantly.

I could be friendly to people that I walked by, I could smile genuinely, I could be happy about life again. I know it sounds dramatic, but it's all legitimate. I am not exaggerating. I told the Lord that I would need to have a really clear word that this was His will and...I got the opposite. And man.

There is PEACE in the will of God. Not distress. Nerves, maybe. But not distress. Not what I was feeling Thursday night. Verses like Jeremiah 29:11 become reality when things like that happen. All I could think was that I was at peace. And the bible says that that's what the Lord wants for us. Peace. It's not a cliche or pie in the sky promise. It's real, in my heart. Again, maybe. It's never bad to be reminded of Truth's reality.

So now, I'm waiting to hear from God about Covenant Players. I don't want to fake it on that application either. My honest reasons to join are not what they would want (not that they're evil or anything), and it isn't fair to anyone to be a facade.

But I'm not 100% sure yet. We'll see. After the loud clarity from God on Thursday, I know He will do the same concerning Covenant Players.

And from there? Well, I guess I'll keep waiting for the right thing to come along.

The discipline of changing my attitude.

First off, WOW at this early summer weather!! It's wonderous! I love all the sunshine, all the warm breezes, seeing trees start to bud, having a reason to drink iced coffee. Ahhhhh...

Anyway. The other day (and several occasions prior), I've caught myself in the net of ingratitude. It's easy to get caught up in that net, and somehow, it manages to make us just a slightly less agreeable person. Be it emotional, physical, spiritual. Something goes amok when we choose to ignore all that we are blessed with.

Examples (from the experiences of yours truly):

"I wish we had a second car. Uhhhggg." (But Hannah, you don't even have your license, so there's no need. At least your family HAS a well working car and you don't have to depend on public transit.)

"I wish I could have more money. Uhhhgg" (But Hannah, you have two jobs - one of which pays you what you need to get by and the other that gives you what you would never be able to afford, no matter what job you had.)

The truth is, I'm very blessed. The gym I work at is really only affordable for rich proffesional women (or their children..there's a couple of girls there who are under the age of 16.) Yet, I get to go there three times a week?? What the..?!

My other job helps me pay of my (thankfully my only) debt. It also provides me with experience with kids that I never got from nursery work or working at Mt. Hope. I'm an only child, so my time caring for children was limited.

I have my permit. Finally! I'm a good driver, thankfully! My only driving limitation is that I can't drive alone. Not bad. I can road trip, if I want to.

The point is, I've found myself having pity parties about menial things, and it always brings me down in some way. But I have no major problems. No major needs. The discipline is catching myself and reminding myself of how blessed I am, and just keep living my life. And be happy about little things.

Like how I'm making my own iced coffee! :D I haven't gotten to drink any yet (between steeping and seiving, it takes a long time to make), but I caaaaan't wait to try it. It's going to be glorious.

Anyway. I'm glad this is my blog where I can do what I want. This is easier than paper journaling. I feel too much pressure to be impressive with regular journaling :P

Getting where I need to be.

Today was a beautiful day - in every sense of the word! The weather was glorious, I didn't feel like I looked like a bum for church, and God decided to just dump happiness on us all day long (by "us", I mean my parents and me.)

I taught the kids a new song in Sunday School this morning. The verse was John 16:33,

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (NIV)

This week was crazy. The past couple days have been particularly horrific in their own way, and I, personally, have just been in a place of feeling completely helpless. Completely unable to defend the honor of those I love. Just..forced to watch from the sidelines and do my best to be a smiling face..when really, I just wanted to kick and yell and curse and ruin the lives of those who have been hurtful more often than is humanly necessary.

Back to the verse. I learned the song a week ago, and it touched my heart then, but today, as I was showing the kids the song, it hit home. I knew it was coming, and even though to warn people, "I might cry." I was not, however, expecting to burst when it got the part where it says "Take heart! I have overcome the world!" I couldn't stop. The encouragement of those words just rang and echoed so loudly in my heart and mind that I became a choked up, sobbing, teary mess, doing this sign language and telling everyone, "I'm fine, really!"

I mean...take heart. I don't know what an equivalent phrase would be. Not relax, or chill out. More like, be at peace. Take heart, I have overcome the world. It's so final. So complete. It doesn't say, "Take heart, I'll get it taken care of soon. Promise." OVERCOME. Done. The world has been completely rendered powerless.

Fantastic. *happy sigh*

Continuing on, I've been in a place of making some decisions about my life. What I want to do, yada yada. Typical out of college talk. Nothing has been made OFFICIAL-official, but today, what I though was going to be a very good church service turned into a game changer in my life. Last night, I went to bed with one plan. I wasn't super duper psyched like, "ZOMG CAN'T WAIT" but I was content. It made sense, it was practical.

However, I do recall saying something to my mom...
"I haven't wanted to do this for so long because it's so typical." (Or something along those lines. I can misquote myself.)

But I was content. Okay, I'll do this. I'm sure it'll be great.

However, today I was confronted with a plan I made three years ago. And thrust into it. And...I like it. It suits me. It's different, it's exciting. It melds everything I want to do in one neat little package. (Except be married, but that's irrelevant.)

Now, I'm faced with prayer. I have two choices. One option is to fill up time in my day, and the other is to live my life. However, the timing of these things is uncanny. I mean, yesterday I declared it. "Yeah, I'm gonna do this." Then today, God was like, "Or are you?" But He doesn't play games like that, so it was more like, "It's your choice, but you should do this instead."

It's a little nerve-wracking.

But I think I will.

(I'll be less vague when I'm more sure of what I'm going to do.)

Don't give up, it's not the end, there's hope for every fallen man.

I love when I'm listening to Pandora, and a song plays that just...fits. It fits my life, my emotions, my heart. I don't know what it is about someone else's expression of my feelings that helps make me feel better, but it's a fact. There must be some psychology to it.

It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life, for meeee

I have a fondness for Mondays, January 1st, my birthday, and the beginning of each month.

What do these things all have in common? New beginnings. Yeah, I know that every morning is new too, but...it's not the same. Not for me, anyway. I like fresh starts, renewing goals that have become a bit tattered, etc. Well, today was that day. It was a beautiful day outside. The sun was shining, the breeze was pleasant, it was easily 60 degrees today. I got up, walked to the gym, had a great workout, came home, paid more money on my school bill, decided to become an eBay-er and had a good brunch. I then proceeded to walk back to the gym to work, rocked my job like a boss (big thanks to W.B. Mason worker who FINALLY found our Purell order!), came home, had a fine lupper (lunch/supper), got my Amtrak rewards card, and I'm now blogging.

For me, this is success. I'm drinking oodles of water, which is also wonderful. So...the point of all this is to say...it's been a very good day, and I'm optimistic for the future. I hope you had a good day, and if you didn't, I hope you keep looking forward to tomorrow :)

Just sayin'...

I feel like I've taken 20 steps back in my levels of confidence and my sense of knowing who I am. Not in a spiritual sense, but my tastes, etc.

Feeling insecure is my least favorite.

But I'm sincerely fighting to not let myself stay in this place. Honest. I don't want to succumb to using self pity to get attention from people. It's not fair to anyone, and Lord knows I've done it too much to even let myself do it a little bit.

I think I know who I am..rather, who I sincerely wish I was. See, I don't even think I'm like, dissatisfied with who I "really" am. I think I could honestly be a better version of myself. It just seems like I can never muster up enough "oomph" to get myself there.

I wish I was back in college. I need a day to day thing to keep me busy, force me to deal with life situations and build myself. Interact with people, grow real life people skills.

Meh.

Honest.

I'm babysitting today. It's snowing (the weather gods definitely decided to make up for lost time!) The children are napping, and I have my second cup of Cafe Bustello next to me. I feel like a jornalist or something. OR at least a "real blogger."

Continuing on. A few weeks ago, as you know if you read this, I went to visit my old Bible school for a few days. They were having revival services and..well, suffice it to say, I needed revival. Between May 1st, when I got home, to February 6th, when I headed to PA, it had been a very, very long year, full of major health issues in my family, a personal trauma, no work (for half the time), facing reality of the "outside world", along with my own spiritual descent.

The Lord is faithful, though. Psalm 139 says that He sees our uprising and our sitting down. As I think about it, I'm sure that can mean the ups and down of our physical and spiritual life. Psalm 139 also says the that there is no where we can go from the Lord's presence.

So February comes, and I'm at the peak of my decline (it's a pathetic oxymoron)...It was really bad. I was literally in complete apathy about everything and okay with it, and yet deep down I knew that wasn't how it was supposed to be and I wanted out. Despite confrontations and being reminded by the Holy Spirit of truthes, I willingly diregarded it. I Soul Man had more power than my Spirit Man, so even if the "real me" WANTED to change, WANTED to listen, it was impossible. Okay, you get the picture? I was a wreck.

Okay, I'm in Pennsylvania. It's day one of the revival services and we're all doing devotions in our hotel room. I'm thinking, journaling, etc.

I ask the Lord, "God, why am I here? I 'know' why I'm here, but...what exactly do I need? I don't know what to ask you to do during these services. I guess I'll just ask to be open to whatever you want me to hear..." and I left it at that. Service starts, and after putting down my barrior to the Lord, I just melt in worship. I hadn't raised my hands in church since my graduation. Then, Pastor Tim gets up to share. Oy. Let me tell you, all the sermons were good, but Pastor Tim's messages were the perfect ones. They were just...exactly what they always are. Amazing and life changing.

His first message was about the Laodiceans and Samson. Briefly, that there's a body of Chrstians who have become apathetic because they didn't fully believe the promises of God. Neither hot nor cold. They have let the world run it's fingers through their consecration and they have strayed. Not that they're lost, but they aren't where they should be.

The call of the message was to reconsecrate ourselves and ask the Lord to remind us of His promises. As Pastor Tim was sharing, it hit me. "THIS is why I'm here." As the week progressed, the Lord told me to just relax. To just take in everything and be fed. not to stress about surrendering enough or crying enough, or singing enough. Just to be and let it soak in. So I did, believing that it would make a difference because the Spirit works if we let Him...even if we don't feel like we retained anything.

Anyway, I'm home now. The point of all this was to say how I'm in a different place now. I'm not perfect and I still don't do devotions like I should, but I'm not as heavy as I used to be. I care about things the Lord has given me to do. I want to honor Him in word and deed, not fake it. I had that desire before, but I was so far off that I never heeded the Spirit. I do, now (well, better than before.)

God is faithful to keep us. Despite our lives, which are insane by definition. He sees us in our ups and downs. He meets us where we're at and knows exactly what we need. We can't be lazy in our walk with Christ, but we can rest. We just need to know the difference between the two...sometimes we learn the hard way :P

Well, apologies for being so long winded. I write like I talk because I feel like I'm conversing with someone. Maybe because I talk to myself sometimes :)