Sherlock, the current BBC rendition of him, has a mind palace. The original character may as well, but I've only read a handful of short stories. It's where he goes in his head to figure stuff out. He organizes, calculates, and solves problems there.
My problem is that I have mind space. It just gets cluttered with thoughts, and feelings. Nothing gets solved there, it just gets turned over and looked at a different way, and then put back down.
I struggle. I'm struggling from anything ranging from my walk with the Lord, to wishing I could exact justice where I feel there has been nothing done, to unintentionally belittling manhoods.
If you're a man, and you think you've been personally belittled by me, it's not because I don't think you're manly enough to fix your own problems. I just see you as a person, because I'm kind of a feminist. A human being with problems that need to fixed, should have someone do what they can to fix them. That's all. I want people to be happy, and I want people to do the right thing, and I want people to be respected as human beings, because that's how it should be.
But it doesn't happen, and it's incredibly frustrating.
The issues with my walk with God are a tangled web of things that I'm only now beginning to understand. Some lyrics from dc Talk's "What If I Stumble" may shine a light on where I'm at:
This opening quotation made a big impact on me, and how I saw Christianity. It wouldn't be an understatement to say that these words are the standard that I've held over for myself as a Christian, and it has always been my heart's desire to NOT be a part of "the greatest single cause of atheism."
"The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today
Is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips
Then walk out the door and deny him by their lifestyle.
That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable."
This opening quotation made a big impact on me, and how I saw Christianity. It wouldn't be an understatement to say that these words are the standard that I've held over for myself as a Christian, and it has always been my heart's desire to NOT be a part of "the greatest single cause of atheism."
Father please forgive me for I can not compose
The fear that lives within me
Or the rate at which it grows
If struggle has a purpose on the narrow road you've carved
Why do I dread my trespasses will leave a deadly scar
Do they see the fear in my eyes? Are they so revealing?
This time I cannot disguise all the doubt I'm feeling
These words are where I'm at right now."If struggle has a purpose on this narrow road you've carved, why do I dread my trespasses will leave a deadly scar?" Though I know that blessing and peace come with having a strong, and healthy walk with the Lord, I'm afraid of the affiliated pain. I haven't even gone through as much as other people, but all of our individual challenges are not belittled because someone else has had it worse. "This time I cannot disguise all the doubt I'm feeling." The truth is in there, but I'm walking through doubt right now.
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?
Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble, and what if I fall?
"What if I lose my step and make fools of us all?" It's pride to think that the image of the church is resting on my shoulders, but I still play my part. I still represent Christ to other people. If I fail, what then? What good is what people previously saw of me when what I represent NOW is what matters?
These are my thoughts. I'm working through this. It's hard. Things are changing, little by little, but this is just the facts of where I'm at. I know that the word on the street is you can change in an instant, but it simply isn't always true.
May 19, 2014
April 26, 2014
"So faithfully and dutifully I award you with betrayal."
I'm a hot mess these days. (SPOILER ALERT: I'm actually on the 'road to recovery,' as it were, but the hot mess status still applies.)
The past few weeks have been especially challenging, and telling. I don't really know how to describe it all. The moral of the story? Ended up with my back completely turned away from God, and living completely apathetic to spirituality. Went to church, sometimes. Understood truth. Still capable of being judgmental about other people's spirituality.
There's a balance between being loving and non-judgmental, and still standing by your actual beliefs, but I don't know how to find it anymore. It's that kind of mindset that leads to compromise and apathy, as I am a living example of. I haven't been running around like a crazy person, but that isn't definitive of turning your back on God. I will say that all personal filters were off. Language, media, rationality, etc. Ended up being exceptionally paranoid about everything, getting quickly defensive, and feeling like a hypocrite always.
Thankfully, I have a godly mother who is able and willing to confront me about these things.
I don't really know what else to say about it all, except that I apologize for being a hypocrite. Me not having a relationship with God affects those around me, and I'm sorry for inadvertently hurting those that I care about.
On a lighter note, I bought tickets to Anberlin's final show in Boston. I'm sad that they're disbanding, but it's better to disband than to just become awful. Like the Newsboys, or Audio Adrenaline (you know I'll love Kevin Max until I die, but come on.)
I'm starting a second job at the Wicked Big Cafe this week. Officially on Thursdays, but that will probably extend into Fridays. Moe asked me if I wanted to work a couple days there, emphasizing his need for a Sunday person, but I figured that if I wanted to at least try and keep being a form of a Christian, I should still not work on Sundays. But I said I could do Thursdays and Fridays, with an adjustment to my availability. He said he would call me, but didn't, and I decided to call him back about it. And he gave me Thursdays. I hope that I'll do well. I feel much more comfortable and confident in the environment than I did when I was first there.
My trip to Colorado is coming up soon. I can't wait to see Anna!
I'm really hoping to get up the nerve to cut my hair off. It will be a surprise.
That's all. Work is interesting these days.
The past few weeks have been especially challenging, and telling. I don't really know how to describe it all. The moral of the story? Ended up with my back completely turned away from God, and living completely apathetic to spirituality. Went to church, sometimes. Understood truth. Still capable of being judgmental about other people's spirituality.
There's a balance between being loving and non-judgmental, and still standing by your actual beliefs, but I don't know how to find it anymore. It's that kind of mindset that leads to compromise and apathy, as I am a living example of. I haven't been running around like a crazy person, but that isn't definitive of turning your back on God. I will say that all personal filters were off. Language, media, rationality, etc. Ended up being exceptionally paranoid about everything, getting quickly defensive, and feeling like a hypocrite always.
Thankfully, I have a godly mother who is able and willing to confront me about these things.
I don't really know what else to say about it all, except that I apologize for being a hypocrite. Me not having a relationship with God affects those around me, and I'm sorry for inadvertently hurting those that I care about.
On a lighter note, I bought tickets to Anberlin's final show in Boston. I'm sad that they're disbanding, but it's better to disband than to just become awful. Like the Newsboys, or Audio Adrenaline (you know I'll love Kevin Max until I die, but come on.)
I'm starting a second job at the Wicked Big Cafe this week. Officially on Thursdays, but that will probably extend into Fridays. Moe asked me if I wanted to work a couple days there, emphasizing his need for a Sunday person, but I figured that if I wanted to at least try and keep being a form of a Christian, I should still not work on Sundays. But I said I could do Thursdays and Fridays, with an adjustment to my availability. He said he would call me, but didn't, and I decided to call him back about it. And he gave me Thursdays. I hope that I'll do well. I feel much more comfortable and confident in the environment than I did when I was first there.
My trip to Colorado is coming up soon. I can't wait to see Anna!
I'm really hoping to get up the nerve to cut my hair off. It will be a surprise.
That's all. Work is interesting these days.
March 9, 2014
It's daunting, but I'm not afraid anymore.
I'm human.
I am full of good intentions, and I know the right way to do things, but my actions - they are far too often separate from my knowledge. I can't get away with doing wrong in the name of "I know what the right thing was."
I did wrong by someone. Someone I do not like, who I don't think deserves the time of day. They don't deserve anything, except a lonely cave, far away from humanity. When you get down to it, I treated them that way. I know better. At the time, I knew better, and even said so. I said all kinds of things that somehow put of this wall of faux-righteousness and justification about my actions...yet what I did..shut them out, and turn them away - THOUGH THIS WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO PRACTICALLY - because unhealthy relationships with people are just that: unhealthy. It's okay to cut off unhealthy relationships, but it has to be done the right way. As a Christian, it has to be done in a godly way. I did neither.
What makes this worse? Maybe the fact that this person already sees Christians in a bad light. They already see Christians as ignorant, hypocritical people...and I, the person who tries so hard to prove I'm not like "them"...acted just like "them."
It pains me. I regret putting my emotions before this person's eternity. I failed. I was wrong. I fulfilled a stereotype. When I had the chance to be Christ-like to a person who so desperately needed it, I was nothing but a familiar enemy. Maybe I failed because it was hard. Because it was a challenge that I faced with my mind, rather than my spirit, and that's why I failed.
The good news is this: I can begin again. Whether I'll have the opportunity to apologize to this person is unknown, but I do have the opportunity to pray for them. As Christians, our job is to love, and be kind to everyone - not just people who deserve it, or people who are having a rough go of it. Anyone. Even the people who run us the wrong way, the people who are disliked by everyone, the people who put up walls in the name of intelligence and independence. Everyone is hurting, and everyone has a reason to hurt. That's why everyone needs someone to love them. Not be an emotional garbage can, or a mat to rub their dirty feet on, but someone to say, "I see you, and I want you to know peace. I want you to know that you don't have to do this alone. You think you do, but you're wrong. Whatever it is you think is true about God is false, and He is not like me. He loves you in a perfect way that you can't even fathom.Just try one more time to trust..but this time, trust the perfect God, not His imperfect earthly vessel."
I'm supposed to represent who God is, but I fall, and thankfully God's character and reputation still stands despite my inability to "walk the walk."
My title stems from a reminder from God today about who He has called me to be. I've known for a long time, the desire has been in my heart. Since Bible college even, I've known what He has called me to be. It used to scare me. I wanted it, but then I didn't, because the idea petrified me.
I'm not scared anymore. It's still kind of looming, but God has brought me past that initial barrier of fear. If anything, it's just laziness now that's keeping me from moving forward. But that's on me.
Happy Sunday.
I am full of good intentions, and I know the right way to do things, but my actions - they are far too often separate from my knowledge. I can't get away with doing wrong in the name of "I know what the right thing was."
I did wrong by someone. Someone I do not like, who I don't think deserves the time of day. They don't deserve anything, except a lonely cave, far away from humanity. When you get down to it, I treated them that way. I know better. At the time, I knew better, and even said so. I said all kinds of things that somehow put of this wall of faux-righteousness and justification about my actions...yet what I did..shut them out, and turn them away - THOUGH THIS WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO PRACTICALLY - because unhealthy relationships with people are just that: unhealthy. It's okay to cut off unhealthy relationships, but it has to be done the right way. As a Christian, it has to be done in a godly way. I did neither.
What makes this worse? Maybe the fact that this person already sees Christians in a bad light. They already see Christians as ignorant, hypocritical people...and I, the person who tries so hard to prove I'm not like "them"...acted just like "them."
It pains me. I regret putting my emotions before this person's eternity. I failed. I was wrong. I fulfilled a stereotype. When I had the chance to be Christ-like to a person who so desperately needed it, I was nothing but a familiar enemy. Maybe I failed because it was hard. Because it was a challenge that I faced with my mind, rather than my spirit, and that's why I failed.
The good news is this: I can begin again. Whether I'll have the opportunity to apologize to this person is unknown, but I do have the opportunity to pray for them. As Christians, our job is to love, and be kind to everyone - not just people who deserve it, or people who are having a rough go of it. Anyone. Even the people who run us the wrong way, the people who are disliked by everyone, the people who put up walls in the name of intelligence and independence. Everyone is hurting, and everyone has a reason to hurt. That's why everyone needs someone to love them. Not be an emotional garbage can, or a mat to rub their dirty feet on, but someone to say, "I see you, and I want you to know peace. I want you to know that you don't have to do this alone. You think you do, but you're wrong. Whatever it is you think is true about God is false, and He is not like me. He loves you in a perfect way that you can't even fathom.Just try one more time to trust..but this time, trust the perfect God, not His imperfect earthly vessel."
I'm supposed to represent who God is, but I fall, and thankfully God's character and reputation still stands despite my inability to "walk the walk."
My title stems from a reminder from God today about who He has called me to be. I've known for a long time, the desire has been in my heart. Since Bible college even, I've known what He has called me to be. It used to scare me. I wanted it, but then I didn't, because the idea petrified me.
I'm not scared anymore. It's still kind of looming, but God has brought me past that initial barrier of fear. If anything, it's just laziness now that's keeping me from moving forward. But that's on me.
Happy Sunday.
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