I had the urge to write publicly. So...here I am. I've been writing in a journal more often, mostly because there are too many random little things happening in my life that I can't share publicly...or, I could, and I just feel like it's none of y'all's business. That's a funny thing to say, especially for me to say, but hey - be proud of me! I'm learning boundaries, and I'm learning to to not be so vague (or not so vague.)
I just finished watching the move "Mona Lisa Smile," and I really loved it. I've seen a small collection of Julia Roberts' movies, and I've really enjoyed all of them. She is a really great actress. I feel that I've been able to relate to a lot of her characters, or at least the essence of them.
Her character in this movie, Katherine Watson, is wonderful, I think. I want to be that person to people. I want to challenge their norms, and inspire people.
I feel romantic. I'm in an air of romance, that isn't necessarily ROMANTIC, in the human love sense. It's my dimly lit room, me tapping away, listening to Corinne Bailey Rae, Vincent purring at the end of my bed.
You're jealous, now, aren't you? Well...I fell asleep in my work clothes, so don't be too jealous.
I was home alone for a couple of weeks. My dad is back for a little while, now, but I had a great time.
I cooked, I cleaned, I stayed up too late, I even went out on what I have determined was my first date. I also went apple picking for the first time! Twice! Both times were quite enjoyable, but I still have a ton of apples to utilize. :|
Pottery classes! I'm starting pottery classes this month, and I'm so excited about it! I took a pottery class a long time ago, and I've had fond memories of it ever since. I love getting my hands dirty, and pottery is awesome because you can create, and start over, and create, and change...all with one blob of clay.
So, I'm very much looking forward to that. It's a good life that I lead. Work seems to maybe be getting better, or I've reached a point of being so exhausted by it that I've just begun to not care anymore.
I just want to be happy, and I like my job. I like my coworkers, I like what I do, I like our regulars. That's something that I love about working in the mornings, now - Half the day is filled with regulars, and it's snap to just get their orders ready, and just have a nice time. Summer was so hard. I feel like we're almost kinda out of the woods, though...I dunno. I'm an eternal optimist who becomes easily negative when things are too hard...but I bounce back.
I have an email to write to my DM. I feel like a flake, but it's really just because I'm emotional and make decisions in the heat of the moment. Bleh. I just want things to be over, smoothed over, done...Let's be happy again. Stop the gossip, stop the judgments...I didn't want things to get ugly. I blame myself for everything, even if it's not my fault.
I'm gonna stop before this gets to rambly...But the fact is, I care about each of my coworkers, whether they believe it or not. I'm human just like everyone else, but I'm trying really hard to be Little Miss Sunshine. I like being Little Miss Sunshine to people.
;jkfn;kjnfdjnd;jndf;kjfnkn
October 9, 2014
September 27, 2014
I should be in bed.
I'm not. Well..technically, yes. I'm in bed. I'm not asleep. I should be asleep.
I cannot shut off my mind. Especially this week. There is so much in my head - processing, listing, considering, hoping, brushing off...
Work stresses me out these days.
A woman that I went to college with wrote me a couple years ago, after reading one of my blog posts. It was some sort of manic rant about the guy that I was so madly in love with (I need to come up with a good nickname for him, because obviously I'm never going to stop talking about him, AND I'm at the point of just using his name. Everyone knows who he is, anyway.)
She wrote me, suggesting that I see a counselor. That this was clearly something that was stressing me out, big time. I responded, basically saying that I was fine, thanks for the advice.
I know that counselors are good. Therapists, psychiatrists...I even want to be one. For some reason, though, maybe it's just simply the media, I feel like if I have to see a therapist, that means that everything has just gone too far, and I'm now completely incapable of having any sort of control. It somehow makes my weakness too much of a reality.
We're afraid of our weaknesses. It's the reality of ourselves that we really just can't face, but is our burden alone. We have other burdens, but they can be shouldered by other people. Losing a job, having a bad hair day...other people can help us fix these things. Our weaknesses, though? No. That's ours alone.
Is it? Between yesterday and today, I realized how bad this stuff at work was getting. That maybe I should see someone. Talk to someone. They couldn't give me answers, but at least I could talk it out. Right? That's how people end up getting answers, they talk it out, and the pieces connect in their head, right?
At first I was resigned to it. I didn't like it. It meant that I had reached my proverbial rock bottom. However, as the past twenty-four hours have unfolded, as I've considered seeing someone, something kept creeping into my mind.
"Wonderful counselor." Now, the verse separates those two words, Isaiah 9:6, but that phrase would come to mind, and then the verse would come to mind, and all I could think was, "Why, if Jesus Christ is the Counselor..if He can listen to me AND give me answers, why would I go to anyone else? It's like when the Bible says (I paraphrase), "Would a father give his son a stone when he asks for bread?" Me seeing someone is like me ASKING for a stone, when Christ is offering me bread, always. He is always there for me, and His wisdom, and peace are at my disposal, if only I would accept them. I don't even have to ask, because I'm a child of God, and those things are freely offered to me. I choose to take them or ignore them.
I hope that no one reads this, and thinks that I am saying counselors, and therapists are wrong. They aren't. They are people who listen, and are there for us when we feel like we can't trust anyone else. They do good, and I am in no way belittling their work.
For me, though...I have Christ. He knows my future, He sees what I'm doing, and He knows my heart and my mind. He loves me, and I wouldn't be where I am if there wasn't a purpose. There's purpose in all of this nonsense. There always is. I don't need to run off to get a cheap answer. I don't need to recount everything that's happened. He has seen it all. He knew of it before the beginning of time. I can trust Him. Starbucks might be big, and they might not be doing their job right, but God is greater than Starbucks, and He tells us in His word that His love does not fail us. He is perfect, and just. He brings justice where there is injustice. He moves us when it's time for us to be moved.
It's a battle to have peace, and have a good attitude, and to treat everyone with love, and respect. It's really hard right now. It won't be hard forever.
I cannot shut off my mind. Especially this week. There is so much in my head - processing, listing, considering, hoping, brushing off...
Work stresses me out these days.
A woman that I went to college with wrote me a couple years ago, after reading one of my blog posts. It was some sort of manic rant about the guy that I was so madly in love with (I need to come up with a good nickname for him, because obviously I'm never going to stop talking about him, AND I'm at the point of just using his name. Everyone knows who he is, anyway.)
She wrote me, suggesting that I see a counselor. That this was clearly something that was stressing me out, big time. I responded, basically saying that I was fine, thanks for the advice.
I know that counselors are good. Therapists, psychiatrists...I even want to be one. For some reason, though, maybe it's just simply the media, I feel like if I have to see a therapist, that means that everything has just gone too far, and I'm now completely incapable of having any sort of control. It somehow makes my weakness too much of a reality.
We're afraid of our weaknesses. It's the reality of ourselves that we really just can't face, but is our burden alone. We have other burdens, but they can be shouldered by other people. Losing a job, having a bad hair day...other people can help us fix these things. Our weaknesses, though? No. That's ours alone.
Is it? Between yesterday and today, I realized how bad this stuff at work was getting. That maybe I should see someone. Talk to someone. They couldn't give me answers, but at least I could talk it out. Right? That's how people end up getting answers, they talk it out, and the pieces connect in their head, right?
At first I was resigned to it. I didn't like it. It meant that I had reached my proverbial rock bottom. However, as the past twenty-four hours have unfolded, as I've considered seeing someone, something kept creeping into my mind.
"Wonderful counselor." Now, the verse separates those two words, Isaiah 9:6, but that phrase would come to mind, and then the verse would come to mind, and all I could think was, "Why, if Jesus Christ is the Counselor..if He can listen to me AND give me answers, why would I go to anyone else? It's like when the Bible says (I paraphrase), "Would a father give his son a stone when he asks for bread?" Me seeing someone is like me ASKING for a stone, when Christ is offering me bread, always. He is always there for me, and His wisdom, and peace are at my disposal, if only I would accept them. I don't even have to ask, because I'm a child of God, and those things are freely offered to me. I choose to take them or ignore them.
I hope that no one reads this, and thinks that I am saying counselors, and therapists are wrong. They aren't. They are people who listen, and are there for us when we feel like we can't trust anyone else. They do good, and I am in no way belittling their work.
For me, though...I have Christ. He knows my future, He sees what I'm doing, and He knows my heart and my mind. He loves me, and I wouldn't be where I am if there wasn't a purpose. There's purpose in all of this nonsense. There always is. I don't need to run off to get a cheap answer. I don't need to recount everything that's happened. He has seen it all. He knew of it before the beginning of time. I can trust Him. Starbucks might be big, and they might not be doing their job right, but God is greater than Starbucks, and He tells us in His word that His love does not fail us. He is perfect, and just. He brings justice where there is injustice. He moves us when it's time for us to be moved.
It's a battle to have peace, and have a good attitude, and to treat everyone with love, and respect. It's really hard right now. It won't be hard forever.
August 28, 2014
Partner, or Peon?
I work at Starbucks.
You probably know that I had wanted to work for Starbucks since the age of 15 or 16. I applied many times. I interviewed many times. I got rejected many times. Then one day, I decided to apply one last time. I had a few options in front of me - moving to Colorado, moving to Tennessee, and this job.
The day of my interview, there was a huge snowstorm, and when I called the manager to let her know that I might be a couple minutes late, she told me that it was okay if I wanted to reschedule. I said no. I had determined in my mind that I HAD to make it to this interview. If I decided to skip it because of bad weather, then what would that say about me? That I wasn't going to come to work if the weather was bad? That doesn't make me look like a good employee, right? No. I had to get there. My father drove me, like a mad man, through inches of slush on the 95. I walked in the door the minute that I was supposed to be there. I interviewed, I was myself, and I was offered a job before I walked out.
When I got into the car, and told my dad that I had been offered the job, we both started crying. My parents knew how much this meant to me. They had seen my disappointment, and they knew how much I wanted the job. They supported my unwillingness to just apply willy-nilly for any job because of how committed I was to getting a job at Starbucks. I was set. I was determined that this was it. I wanted to do coffee, and Starbucks was the best way for me to start. I knew it. My parents supported me, and my dream of making coffee for people, to give people a moment of happiness in their day.
That's what I believed Starbucks was. It's what Starbucks says they are. Sometimes, I still believe it. Unfortunately, oftentimes these days...I don't. Even in little things like not brewing decaf coffee first thing in the morning. We have early morning regulars who ALWAYS get half-caf, or decaf coffee, and they don't want to wait for a pour over, because waiting for a pour over stinks. No one should have to wait for a pour over in a place like Starbucks.
My job is always on my mind these days. A lot has been going on this year. I won't go into specifics, some of you know exactly what has been going on, but I won't go into it here. Very long story short, Starbucks has let me down. And I get it. This is The Man. This is Corporate. However, this is a corporation that has made a really big deal about being more than Corporate, or being more than just The Man. And maybe I'm just naive peon who wanted to believe in something better than what is showing to just be simple reality. Isn't that always the way? Even with Communism - it was a great idea at first. People supported it, believed in it til the end. Even when it was ruining lives. They didn't want to admit that this thing...wasn't all that it was made out to be.
That's what Starbucks is to me now. Not all it was cracked up to be. Sure, there's insurance. Sure, there's access to education. Sure, there's free coffee. Okay. But what are we really to Howard Schultz in the end? A machine. Cogs that when they start to squeak, get a little grease, but even when that little bit of grease doesn't fix the problem, and the cogs keep jamming...the mechanic begins to dig a little bit..okay. But he certainly likes to take his time. The cogs keep jamming. For months. And yet, just little drops of oil, little tweaks are made, instead of just taking apart the machine and finding out how to really fix whatever might be wrong.
This company really does just care about money. I love my coworkers. My partners. And unfortunately, the job keeps you stuck because honestly - insurance is a pain to deal with these days. It's nice to not have to worry about it.
I don't like being a cog. I wish that I was really a partner. They say that I am, but I'm not really. I'm a peon, and I'm having trouble accepting that. But I don't know what else to do. I've done everything. I've taken every flashlight and shone it into every crevice to try to get the mechanic to take me seriously.
They say they do. I just am really struggling to believe it. But I keep going to work. I keep coming back from my lunch breaks. I haven't walked out yet. Clearly, there's a microscopic bit of me that believes Them. Or is hoping that I do. Telling myself to try and think about trying to believe them.
I either need a husband with a solid income, or Jesus needs to come back, because being unemployed is not awesome.
I wish that I could somehow be convinced that I'm not a peon. I desperately want to be a partner instead. I wish that I knew what to expect when I go to work..well, I do. But I mean from myself. Sometimes it's a good day. And then the next day will be rock bottom. I'm getting motion sickness from this roller coaster.
I wasn't really ever expecting to write about this, while still working for the company. I figured that eventually I'd quit, and then blog it all out. But none of this is angry. It's mostly just sad. Sort of hopeless. Disillusioned. I guess that's the best word. Disillusioned.
Alas, it's all I can think about. But I've talked to so many people in Corporate about it, and ugly cried to them, on the phone or in person, and I've talked to my coworkers about it all so...I guess it's not much of a secret.
My heart is genuinely broken. That sounds silly, to most of you, probably. You think, "It's just a job. It's just Starbucks." Well, yes. But getting this job was a literal dream come true for me. I am heartbroken.
You probably know that I had wanted to work for Starbucks since the age of 15 or 16. I applied many times. I interviewed many times. I got rejected many times. Then one day, I decided to apply one last time. I had a few options in front of me - moving to Colorado, moving to Tennessee, and this job.
The day of my interview, there was a huge snowstorm, and when I called the manager to let her know that I might be a couple minutes late, she told me that it was okay if I wanted to reschedule. I said no. I had determined in my mind that I HAD to make it to this interview. If I decided to skip it because of bad weather, then what would that say about me? That I wasn't going to come to work if the weather was bad? That doesn't make me look like a good employee, right? No. I had to get there. My father drove me, like a mad man, through inches of slush on the 95. I walked in the door the minute that I was supposed to be there. I interviewed, I was myself, and I was offered a job before I walked out.
When I got into the car, and told my dad that I had been offered the job, we both started crying. My parents knew how much this meant to me. They had seen my disappointment, and they knew how much I wanted the job. They supported my unwillingness to just apply willy-nilly for any job because of how committed I was to getting a job at Starbucks. I was set. I was determined that this was it. I wanted to do coffee, and Starbucks was the best way for me to start. I knew it. My parents supported me, and my dream of making coffee for people, to give people a moment of happiness in their day.
That's what I believed Starbucks was. It's what Starbucks says they are. Sometimes, I still believe it. Unfortunately, oftentimes these days...I don't. Even in little things like not brewing decaf coffee first thing in the morning. We have early morning regulars who ALWAYS get half-caf, or decaf coffee, and they don't want to wait for a pour over, because waiting for a pour over stinks. No one should have to wait for a pour over in a place like Starbucks.
My job is always on my mind these days. A lot has been going on this year. I won't go into specifics, some of you know exactly what has been going on, but I won't go into it here. Very long story short, Starbucks has let me down. And I get it. This is The Man. This is Corporate. However, this is a corporation that has made a really big deal about being more than Corporate, or being more than just The Man. And maybe I'm just naive peon who wanted to believe in something better than what is showing to just be simple reality. Isn't that always the way? Even with Communism - it was a great idea at first. People supported it, believed in it til the end. Even when it was ruining lives. They didn't want to admit that this thing...wasn't all that it was made out to be.
That's what Starbucks is to me now. Not all it was cracked up to be. Sure, there's insurance. Sure, there's access to education. Sure, there's free coffee. Okay. But what are we really to Howard Schultz in the end? A machine. Cogs that when they start to squeak, get a little grease, but even when that little bit of grease doesn't fix the problem, and the cogs keep jamming...the mechanic begins to dig a little bit..okay. But he certainly likes to take his time. The cogs keep jamming. For months. And yet, just little drops of oil, little tweaks are made, instead of just taking apart the machine and finding out how to really fix whatever might be wrong.
This company really does just care about money. I love my coworkers. My partners. And unfortunately, the job keeps you stuck because honestly - insurance is a pain to deal with these days. It's nice to not have to worry about it.
I don't like being a cog. I wish that I was really a partner. They say that I am, but I'm not really. I'm a peon, and I'm having trouble accepting that. But I don't know what else to do. I've done everything. I've taken every flashlight and shone it into every crevice to try to get the mechanic to take me seriously.
They say they do. I just am really struggling to believe it. But I keep going to work. I keep coming back from my lunch breaks. I haven't walked out yet. Clearly, there's a microscopic bit of me that believes Them. Or is hoping that I do. Telling myself to try and think about trying to believe them.
I either need a husband with a solid income, or Jesus needs to come back, because being unemployed is not awesome.
I wish that I could somehow be convinced that I'm not a peon. I desperately want to be a partner instead. I wish that I knew what to expect when I go to work..well, I do. But I mean from myself. Sometimes it's a good day. And then the next day will be rock bottom. I'm getting motion sickness from this roller coaster.
I wasn't really ever expecting to write about this, while still working for the company. I figured that eventually I'd quit, and then blog it all out. But none of this is angry. It's mostly just sad. Sort of hopeless. Disillusioned. I guess that's the best word. Disillusioned.
Alas, it's all I can think about. But I've talked to so many people in Corporate about it, and ugly cried to them, on the phone or in person, and I've talked to my coworkers about it all so...I guess it's not much of a secret.
My heart is genuinely broken. That sounds silly, to most of you, probably. You think, "It's just a job. It's just Starbucks." Well, yes. But getting this job was a literal dream come true for me. I am heartbroken.
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